Owner: Mostly True Stories URL:http://www.padandpanty.blogspot.com Join Date: Wed, 14 Feb 2007 04:17:56 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Somewhat authentic tales from nursing school, labor and delivery, catering and the bathroom. Site statistics:Click here
Tales of Gary and Dick: Part Two 2007-03-06 13:00:00 Back in the day, when I worked for the catering firm of Gary and Dick, I felt that my lack of a penis was really holding me back professionally. I worked for and with a bunch of gay men, a few straight men, and only one or two other women. I always thought that I didn't get as many good parties as the the gay men. So I wrote a song about it.Three and a half things that you need to know before you sing this song to yourself:1) The tune is from the Wizard of Oz -- If I Only Had a Heart2) We had a suck-ass brown Chevy Van that was only slightly more efficient than the cars in the Flinstones3) Ricky Fortochagney was a cute Eastern European fellow that worked with us occasionally3 1/2) The song, unfortunately was never finished....I'd be strongerI'd be wiserI could be a supervisorIf I only had a dick...I could drive the brown vanI could be a real manIf I only had a dick...I'd be BogeyI'd be CagneyI'd be Ricky FortochagneyIf I only had a dick...I could be more demandingI could urina Read more:Tales
, Part Two
It's My Party and I'll Drink if I Want to... 2007-03-06 01:08:00 Did you ever plan a party? Send out invitations? Get really excited about the menu about 2 months in advance? And then, during the days leading up to the party, you just got incredibly apathetic? You couldn't be bothered to clean, you didn't feel like cooking, and so, to get yourself through the party preparations, you started drinking WAY too early in the day?Welcome to my world!Because I'm a former caterer and an excellent cook, I was going to make Vietnamese Summer Rolls with basil, mango and shrimp...vegetarian nori rolls with ginger grilled tofu and avocado...Hot sake and cold Tsingtao beer. For dessert? Tiny cups (cute little Asian ones) of coconut ice cream...or perhaps some out-of-season fruit.Unfortunately, dental surgery happened. So, the Velveeta cheese/Rotel tomato dip is over there in the crock pot next to the cooler full of PBR long necks and a bowl of Doritos. Enjoy!If you have a blog, please sign my mister linky over in the sidebar so I can come visit you...a Read more:Party
, Drink
Peekaboo Vagina (Google That!) 2007-03-10 11:43:00 What is up with you gals who think you can have a baby without anyone seeing your vagina? How did you get pregnant? In the dark, I'm guessing? I had a patient the other night who wanted to have nine family members in the room for delivery, but didn't want anyone to see the big V. I'm a good nurse, but that was beyond my scope. And it was so fucking crowded! I'm pretty sure the patient's grandmother was giving me the evil eye. I mean the real evil eye. I did something to piss her off and I'm pretty sure she put a curse on me. Shit. That's all I fucking need. In the how the fuck did you ever get pregnant? department...I had another patient one night who, when I checked her cervix, spazzed out and grabbed a big ole handful of my crotch with her right hand...and didn't let go. Hairs were pulled. She also coochie clenched so hard that my fingers were trapped in her vagina. I pulled away really quickly (pulled away my crotch -- there was no escape for the fingers from t Read more:Google
These Are a Few of My Favorite Things... 2007-03-15 21:31:00 I'm not wild about memes. Not even sure how to pronounce the word. But another nurse asked me to do this. Another L&D nurse. So I'll do it. Because even though I've never met labornurse in person, I know I can trust her. I know what she does everyday at work and I read her blog.Four things that I can't live without as a nurse and one thing that I covet:1) My nurse peeps. I know that the nurses I work with will come to my aid in an emergency, will have my back in a crisis, and will think through patient care with me when I'm just not sure what to do next. And they're good company on those slow nights when we sit around the nurses' station and tell each other stories.2) The good will of the patient care techs and surgical techs. On our unit, if you have a low-risk delivery, then the first person to evaluate your baby is a PCT. I rely on this evaluation. I trust these women to let me know what's up with that newborn. Is the baby fine? Do I need the team? I hope the t Read more:Favorite
Laboring Women Say The Darndest Things 2007-03-17 11:11:00 Patient: This is the last time I'm having a baby.Me: Have you ever thought about getting your tubes tied?Patient: Oh, no. My birth control works fine.Ten minutes after the baby is taken from the labor room to the nursery...Patient: Do you think they've cut the cord yet?Five minutes after I gave her 2 gm of stadol IV...Patient: Isn't this a nice campfire?Me: It's been a while since you got up to pee. Do you want me to help you to the bathroom?Patient: That's ok, I've just been peeing in the bedpan and dumping it in the trashcan.Patient: Could you tell me why my husband is bleeding from his rectum?Me: No, no I can't.
Read more:Women
Full (Toothbrush) Disclosure 2007-03-21 04:09:00 It's time for me to come clean and tell you the real, full toothbrush story. I mentioned it in passing while I was still medicated, but now I want to do it justice.I can't even begin to tell you how terrified I was of having 6.5 hours of dental work done at one time. So, of course, I was really happy to take advantage of the drugs. They told me to dress comfortably, so I was wearing some wide-legged elastic waist pants and a loose top. I don't remember anything of the procedure except some foggy memories of, maybe, the last five minutes or so.When they were all done with me, the dental assistant walked me to the bathroom. Don't lock the door, sweetie, she told me.I remember sitting on the toilet and looking around the bathroom. Did I mention how posh my dentist is? Fancy, fancy. Directly across from the toilet is a lovely, walnut burl chest of drawers. Sitting atop the chest is a beautiful vase with a stunning display of individually wrapped, brightly colored toothbrushes Read more:Toothbrush
, Disclosure
A Bitch, a Bed, and Hepatitis B... 2007-03-27 09:09:00 The other night one of the anesthesiologists asked me to do a little Spanish translating. I am NOT fluent. However, as long as we talk about epidurals and past surgeries and avoid philosophy and 19th century Spanish literature, I can generally muddle through. We have a LOT of Spanish speaking patients at my hospital. Generally, they are polite and grateful that someone is making an attempt to communicate with them. This lady, unfortunately, was not typical. I walk into the room and introduce myself with my general disclaimer (in Spanish): I speak a little Spanish and as long as you speak slowly, I can also understand it. The next thing I meant to say was: Have you ever had an epidural? Except it came out as: Did you used to have an epidural?This lady looks at me, rolls her eyes, and says, do you mean to say 'have I ever had an epidural?'Bitch
. Are you really giving me 'tude? (This is actually really unusual. Most of our Spanish speaking patients are very polite.) Whatev Read more:Hepatitis
The Secret Shitter 2007-03-28 09:51:00 Of all the unpleasant jobs I have had in my life, the worst was substitute teacher. After I did it for a few months, I got a gig as a long term sub -- which (I'm guessing) is slightly more pleasant than water boarding. The best part of the job was observing the ongoing drama of the secret shitter.Several mornings a week, sometime between the beginning of 1st period and the end of 3rd, the secret shitter would take a huge dump inside one of the boy's restrooms, but outside of the toilet bowl. Sometimes the pile would be on the edge of one of the sinks. Sometimes on the extra wide window sill (which was five feet off of the floor.) Once he left his scat right inside the (swinging) door so that the next person who entered the room smeared it across the floor. The best part of the drama was when the principal (let's call him Dr. Dumbass) would get on the intercom without counting to 10 first and rant for awhile. Teachers, we've had another incident. I'll need a list of all boys
Blue Eyes Lying and Insane 2007-03-29 21:47:00 Once I was a telemarketer.I didn't call people at home, very much.I called high schools and offered them some free plastic cups with their mascot on one side and the name of a business sponsor on the other -- the business sponsor would pay for the cups, of course. I would pump the principal or coach for leads and then call away. One woman in the office, Mavis, was responsible for handing out the high school info sheets. She got them out of some book that anyone could probably buy on the internet today -- but this was the 80s and that book gave Mavis power -- power that corrupted. It was common knowledge around the office that Mavis was going blind at a rather alarming rate, but because she was such a bitch, no one was close enough to her to have the details.One day I found a new high school info sheet in my inbox. It was from "Whitehore High School."I called Mavis instantly.Are you sure this is correct? White Whore High School?All sheets are triple-checked before they are handed Read more:Lying
Jello Jigglers (Special Guest Post from Mommy the Maid) 2007-04-01 09:12:00 When I was younger, food was always a source of stress in my parent's world. We were constantly reminded of starving children in other parts of the world that would love to have the mashed potatoes that my brother and I insisted were really cool volcanoes. Or worse, we were reminded of those children while we were spitting mashed potatoes out of our full cheeks in attempts to reenact a disgusting stunt on Double Dare. Food was not a toy. Food was meant to stay on our plates and in our closed mouths. Now that I am grown with children of my own, I catch myself all the time scolding Turtle to not play with her food, eat over her plate and with her mouth closed. I have very few dinner table rules and those are it. I believe in my rules and try to enforce them to the best of my ability. But today I may have taken a step back. In my house we are always baking, or making a cool craft, or other dorky things that got me made fun of in my school years many moons ago. We enjoy these things, and Read more:Special
, Guest
, Mommy
Burt's Bees Burning Butthole Balm 2007-04-03 07:42:00 Something is in the air.Can you smell it?Everybody who is anybody is talking about dookie these days. People find me by searching things like "nurse shitting" and "poopie panties." Suzanne has been having digestive issues in India and on her way back home. The April Blog Exchange featured at least two poop posts: Jail Diet and Mommy-the-Maid. And there is an excellent dog pooping photo here. Granted, one of those poop posts is mine -- and I do post about poop approximately once a week. But I've decided that this might be a good time for my first ever product endorsement. Let me stress that it is Working-Girl-the-blogger, not Working-Girl-the-nurse recommending this product.Teaching stressed me out. Catering stressed me out. Nursing really stresses me out. When I get stressed out, I poop a lot. Sometimes, all that traffic can leave the back door a little tender. I discovered the soothing relief of BB farmer's hand salve during one very long day of catering. I was working Read more:Burning
Grandmother Panty Stories, Urethra Urethra Urethra 2007-04-02 08:21:00 Um.From the comments that you people are leaving, you seem to be pretty normal folks: Moms, nurses, bush kangaroos. However, a large percentage of you folks are getting to my site as a result of bad porn googling.And now that I've looked at my hittail stats, I'm going to purposefully attract more (very disappointed) porn googlers.Here are some of the things you kinky monkeys are searching that lead you to my humble site:shitting nurse storiesgrandmother panty storiesdaddy panty pool storiesurethral playsmell of women's poopdoctor patient table panties storiesmy husbands panties storiesnurse grabbed my balls (I never did, I swear!)panties feel nicepanties full of poopI think that's enough.
Read more:Grandmother
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La la la 2007-04-07 19:05:00 I got tagged by Paula to share the music I'm listening to now...seven tracks. I've decided to give them to you one at a time -- mainly because I found all these great videos but I don't want to overwhelm you with all of them at once.Even when she had that albatross (Ike) around her neck, she was awesome!Tag. You're it.
Where Am I? 2007-04-08 21:49:00 Wondering where the hell I am? I'm visiting! I'm over atwith a new post! It should be up by 1200 AM Greenwich Mean Time. Which is pretty soon, but frankly, I'm not exactly sure how soon. If you haven't checked out Top Blog Mag yet, then you don't know what you're missing. It's a quality site, but still new enough that it hasn't gotten all full of itself yet.If you're out poking around, I also recommend checking out Surviving Motherhood -- where Top Blog Mag's mom lives.Also, check this out! I've been nominated for three Blogger's Choice Awards. But seriously, you should vote your conscience. Three times.Happy Holiday!
Labial Lifting Help! Stat! 2007-04-12 10:39:00 I think I sprained my finger. I had a patient the other night who was kind of a big girl. Big -- as in the scale at her doctor's office stops at 350 -- and she maxed it out. The anesthesiologist had a really hard time getting the epidural in. But he got it. Silly me, I was worried about getting her from a sitting position to on her back again. But we did that no problem. I got the blood pressure cuff on. I had to put it on her forearm -- her upper arms were so distorted by fat that it was near impossible to get a blood pressure there. I have to stop for a minute and tell you my labor and delivery fat girl philosophy. A huge part of nursing is teaching. But in an acute care situation, you can't do much about long term issues like obesity. She already knows that she's fat. She's in labor. She's hurting. She's anxious. I don't want to make her feel self-conscious. I want her to have the safest, most fulfilling birth experience possible. I want her to trust me. Wome Read more:Lifting
Changing our Panties 2007-04-11 11:40:00 I had to go to the ICU the other night to monitor a baby that happened to be gestating inside one of their patients. I had no responsibilities for the mom, just the baby. I've gotta tell you something about the ICU, though. Those people are really sick! In fact, the patient in the room next door died! And I didn't even know it until the funeral home guy came to collect the body. Let me tell you, if someone died on my unit, our locker room would be full of nurses changing their panties. And in the panty changing department...We wear hospital laundered scrubs. We have to because if one of our laboring patients has to have a c-section, we go with them and act as the circulator in the OR (basically a waitress in a mask and hat). You don't want me in the OR with you wearing scrubs that have been in my house. With my dog. And my Maine coon cat. We are not, under most circumstances supposed to wear these home. I think there is a special dispensation if you have a skin allergy. Read more:Changing
A Bad Case of Catshit Reflux 2007-04-15 11:19:00 My dog, Helen, has habits.Bad ones.Actually, she has one really, really bad habit. She loves to eat out of the litter box. Or, rather, she enjoys selecting a kitty brownie from the litter box and then taking it to the living room carpet to chow down -- leaving a trail of crunchy cat litter on the kitchen and living room floors.Get a covered cat box! My friends tell me. Place the opening next to the wall at an angle so that the dog can't get in.This sounds like excellent advice. Unfortunately, my dog is small and my cat is large. When the dog can't get in, neither can the cat. The objective here is to get the cat shit in the box and keep it there!We found Helen on a country highway about five years ago. She was already an old gal and, by the looks of her at the time, had been fending for herself for quite a while. We've always been sort of afraid to cut very much off of her really long claws. The quick (do you call it that on a dog?) goes out really far into the claw/nail. Read more:Reflux
Take Your Penis and Go to the ER! 2007-04-28 17:20:00 News flash:If you have a penis, please do not present to labor and delivery when you cut your finger chopping salad bar yummies at Ye Olde Restaurant Chain, k? Labor and delivery is for girls. You need the Emergency Department. Or, actually, probably just a bandaid.We had two guys come to L&D the other night as patients. One of them did actually seem to be injured. The other had a little bitty bandaid over his cut finger. There was no blood seeping through. When I went up to admissions to evaluate him before one of the techs wheeled him over to the ED, he was rolling around in a wheelchair, actually using the injured hand to push one of the wheels. When I called the ED to give report, I could tell just by the clipped way the triage nurse answered the phone that she was slammed. Bandaid guy had a long wait ahead of him.L&D has been kind of slow the last few nights. I've been taking care of a lot of teenage girls. We always have teenage girls giving birth. And they really Read more:Penis
Back in the Fold 2007-06-23 00:14:00 Sometime in the not too distant past...I was taking care of a big girl. When I got her at shift change, she already had a really top notch epidural. It was her first baby, she was not progressing at a very impressive rate and the nurse I took report from was already thinking c-section. I don't like going to the OR with big girls. And not just for obvious, selfish reasons. Incisions on fluffy bellies just don't heal well. It isn't good for them. Her doctor called just before 8. Put me on hold and go check her cervix real quick. I grab the float nurse, C, to go in with me in case I need an extra hand. Just as I suspected, my girl could not move her legs one bit -- and they were big legs. We left the patient slightly tilted (her previous nurse had warned me that the baby's heart rate would dip rather alarmingly when the patient was on her back) and C held her left leg back and up. I gloved up, sat on the edge of the bed, and checked her cervix with my right hand. The baby w
Spring Metatarsal Season 2007-06-22 08:52:00 OK.I'm not one to make a lot of excuses. Throwing blame around is really more my style. But two things happened. First, spring planting season made me want to be outside during the day and asleep during the night (night off, that is.) This interfered mightily with my writing schedule. Second, I broke my damn foot in the parking lot at work. It's (is that apostrophe supposed to be there? I can never remember which it's gets it and which its doesn't -- maybe I shouldn't be trying to even make a contraction out of it and has...) been a learning experience.Stuff I've learned:When a good samaritan is trying to help you up in the parking lot, that is probably not the best time to tell him that there is no smoking anywhere on the hospital grounds.The ER staff at my particular hospital? Not the nicest bunch you'd ever want to meet. (I actually cried from the meanness.)Being on crutches sucks ass in so many ways that I don't know where to begin. Workers (where to put the apostro Read more:Spring
, Season
Adding to the Incivility of the Blogosphere... 2007-06-25 09:32:00 While I was away moping and watching cooking shows, exciting things happened all by themselves here at the blogstead.I got a page rank! I really wanted one. And now that I have it, honestly, my life hasn't really changed. Also, I went from being an insignificant microbe to being a marauding marsupial. Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be so high on the food chain, but I'm secretly disappointed to have missed the experience of being a flappy bird.Also, I received this email:Hello padandpanty,My name is deleted.I created the blog: http://cigaretteaccesories.blogsome.com, in order to post different articles about cigarettes and accessories.Now I'm in search of new friends!Tell me, please, if I can exchange blogs with You.I think it would be relevant for both of us.If you have any ideas or suggestions, please, write me about them.Have a nice day.Hmmm, don't want to seem like a bitch or anything, but I have a serious need to make fun of this person. I mean, I really can't th Read more:Blogosphere
Four Blogs That I Love 2007-07-04 12:01:00 I think that Anything Said is one of the funniest blogs in the 'sphere. She doesn't post too terribly often, but her posts are always worth the wait. She writes seemingly effortlessly about motherhood, her pug, being a librarian, whatever...It doesn't matter. It's always a good read. My favorite posts include both the pug and the baby.I have almost nothing in common with Becky. She is a libertarian lesbian Catholic. I am a communitarian heterosexual non Catholic and registered Democrat and Michael Moore fan, too. But we don't all have to agree with each other in order to be buddies and enjoy each other's writing, do we? She is smart, she writes well...she just comes to different conclusions than I do. She also includes helpful product reviews in her blog from time to time. Her blog has to be THE quirkiest blog in the 'sphere. And there is almost always something new to read there. Don't forget to read her comments for the amusing, spelling impaired, pissed off strai Read more:Blogs
But Will Wal-Mart Wipe Your Ass for You? 2007-07-03 18:09:00 Google has announced their new advisory group on health. And the big news in the blogosphere is that no nurses have been included. Apparently, mental health workers and medical librarians were also excluded. Who was included? Linda M. Dillman, Executive Vice President, Risk Management, Benefits and Sustainability, Wal-MartThat job title sounds less like someone who can help me with my health concerns and more like someone who can keep me from having enough hours to qualify for my medical coverage. Apparently, she is some sort of IT rockstar. She has a degree in business administration. Frankly I don't know anything about her that I haven't read in the last 10 minutes. I just feel that if there is room for her on this board then there is room for a nurse (or a medical librarian, or a psychologist.)
What Was Your Birthing Experience Like? 2007-07-03 17:35:00 Free Polls - Take Our Poll I know that not everybody who stops by here is a mom, but a lot of you are. I would love to have you take my poll! Apparently, I screwed up when I was constructing the poll, and it won't let you add anything in the "other" category. Please use the comments of this post to add any other information about your birth experience. Thanks!
Distance Learning 2007-07-01 22:29:00 The daughter of a friend of mine is starting at a nearby public high school in the fall. In order to take a little pressure off, she is taking a couple of classes online this summer. Guess what she's taking. Online. Go ahead. Guess. Physical Education! Yep. Online. She has to wear a heart rate monitor, hook it up to the computer and exercise everyday. She and her mom were warned not to lose the monitor and other equipment she was issued for this class because, if they lost it, they would have to pay the $300 it would cost to replace it. Her participation is being monitored by a teacher via the internet. Does this seem kinda fucked up to anybody else? Or am I just hopelessly old fashioned? What about games, sports, activities that can become healthy habits incorporated into a healthy lifestyle? Once she has completed the class, will she continue to run in place by herself in her room each morning? Technology is not the answer to every question.Whatever.Now. Let's talk Read more:Learning
Getting to Know You...Getting to Know ALL About You 2007-07-07 11:12:00 One day, between fifteen and twenty years ago, I got it into my head that the only birth control method for me was the cervical cap. I can't recall why I was so taken with it. It may have been that you weren't absolutely required to use spermacide with it -- unlike the diaphragm. It may have been that it has a sort of crunchy, counter-culture reputation. I've always been susceptible to that crunchy granola shit. It may have been experimental -- I would have loved that twenty years ago (now, not so much.) Anyway, I found a crunchy women's health clinic that dispensed them and I made an appointment for a fitting.I sat in the waiting room until a clinic employee came out and called my name -- along with eleven other names! Wow, I thought, they must have a lot of room back there. I stepped in line and we all walked down the hall and followed the clinic employee...into the same room! WTF? I nervously arranged myself on one of the brightly colored sofas in the room. Because, he
Half-Dressed for My Shift Guarding the Death Star 2007-07-06 09:14:00 Well, I've been back at work for three little mini-shifts so far. At first I was supposed to be doing "sedentary" work only. Yeah, there's lots of sedentary work on a labor and delivery unit. Tons. Even the preop teachings that I'm doing require some walking and standing. Not that I'm complaining. (Ok, I admit it, I'm complaining.) The aircast that I have on my right foot looks remarkably like the boots the Imperial Storm Troopers wore in Star Wars. Imagine the confidence I inspire in the patients as I lurch into the room with a needle and a vacutainer. Hi! I'm gonna try to draw some of your blood...(Luke...inhale exhale inhale exhale...I'm your faaahther...)I actually blew a vein with a butterfly needle. Don't know if I could do that if I tried. Poor woman. I felt terrible. But I quickly got the hang of drawing blood sitting down.I have to go back to work because my imaginary workers comp (please don't come after me mr. apostrophe man) won't cover my benefits, Read more:Dressed
, Shift
My First Biopsy 2007-07-10 21:57:00 Today I had my feet in the stirrups -- twice. Unfortunately, my appointment was for after work. I don't know about you, but I like to go straight from my shower to my gynecologist. Especially since he is one of the docs that I work with. HIPAA not withstanding, you don't want it to get around among your coworkers that you aren't, well, fresh...So every time I went to the bathroom I actually washed with soap and water afterwards -- not just my hands. I was really worried that he was going to ask me why I had soap suds on my ass. But I think I made it through the day without acquiring any stink. I had to have an endometrial biopsy and a transvaginal ultrasound. Neither one of these procedures, for those of you who haven't ever enjoyed them, are even half as much fun as they sound. First
, a perky gal named Mary inserted a giant dildo-shaped wand (ooh! let's call it Wanda) into my vagina and showed me incomprehensible images of my uterus and ovaries. Then I had to put my pant Read more:Biopsy
Warning! If You Think This Is Funny, You Are a Big Geek Like Me 2007-07-09 21:42:00 When I was in nursing school, I had to take "Research." I took it during the extra short summer semester which meant that the class met twice a week for two hours and forty-five minutes. The instructor was a nurse, and I'm quite sure she was a very fine nurse. But as a lecturer, as an instructor -- she totally sucked. She was also one of those control freak profs who never let anyone walk in late and kept us at least one minute extra every single class. Are you getting the picture? It was fucking brutal.I actually read the first chapter of our book, which was on the philosophical foundations of research. (Before I went to nursing school, I got a totally fun and impractical degree in philosophy and religious studies -- so I actually enjoy reading philosophical foundations shit.) So she starts lecturing about epistemology. Only she was pronouncing it as if it rhymed with epidemiology. Here was how she defined "epistemiology": It is the way we come to have knowledge of the orig Read more:Funny
, Geek
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