Owner: Mommy Has A Headache URL:www.mommyhasaheadache.blogspot.com Join Date: Tue, 26 Feb 2008 17:06:43 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Humorous look at life told from the point of view of an irreverent Brit living in the US who has far too much time on her hands. Site statistics:Click here
Swiss porn misses its peak 2008-03-06 18:13:17 To some, trains are the ultimate erotic instrument, to others they are instruments of erotic torture.For example, because many Japanese men spend most of their lives on commuter trains, eyeing up girls and wishing they could grope them, there are now sex clubs in Japan which are a mock up of a crowded commuter car in which you're allowed to feel up the women. A friend told me he went to one where ten female customers (prostitutes dressed as commuters) and ten male customers (punters) get into the chikan-densha (pervert train), which is called so because women call "Chikan!" to humiliate gropers on real subways. In this subway sex club men can grope the girls to their hearts content.On the other hand, my English friend Carl suffered at the hands of a train. He told me that he had to ejacula Read more:Swiss
Food Crimes 2008-03-06 18:10:38 Well, I was quite excited to be listed the other day on the internet version of the Guardian, which described my blog as:'The diary of a mother of two girls - and a collector of photographs of semi-pornographic root vegetables.' For the record, I do not have a collection of such photos, I just did one post about this topic. Or maybe two. I certainly do not have a fetish for attractively shaped vegetables. No, I don't.In any case, thank you Guardian. That makes me feel a lot more interesting than I actually am. But if the worst thing I have ever done is fondled is a root vegetable, then so be it. (Question: does it constitute an affair if the thing I like to fondle is a Swede?)Speaking of Swedes, I went round to my Swedish friend Karl's house yesterday. He had invited John, the kids and mys Read more:Crimes
Robot Love 2008-03-06 18:09:20 In forty years, we will be dating Malebots and Fembots, even going so far as to marry them. So says David Levy, author of Love and Sex with Robot
s. The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships. To which I say, sure, your own brand robot may well be available at your local Wal-Mart within our lifetimes, but will anyone want to buy him (or her)?Admittedly, I did once sing the praises of a product I had invented, the Robolover, which will, once developed, bankrupt the makers of vibrators, the producers of Prozac, and even the manufacturers of Dunkin Donuts, due to the Robolover’s ability to perform with a level of technical finesse equivalent to Michael Jackson’s mastery of the moonwalk. Oh yes, once the Robolover’s finished moonwalking you to ecstasy you will be ready to face real life a
Seven Times Unlucky 2008-02-25 19:24:18 Whenever you are feeling down in the dumps and feeling sorry about your lot, think of the sixteen year old Argentinian girl, Pamela, who already has seven kids under her belt (one single, two lots of triplets).Pamela's mother, Magdalena, 49, who works as a cleaner to support her grandchildren, said: "When we knew that we would again have triplets we wanted to die. She has no job, the father of the triplets left and I am the sole breadwinner for her and her family."I think we need a whip round here to send the poor girl a box of condoms.I'm not sure what happened. Maybe poor Pamela saw this educational video and got overly aroused. What do you think?[Warning: this is taken from from 'Married Life', a 1950's educationalfilm for newlyweds thought too hot for release at the time. As with any s Read more:Seven
, Times
Is this the real life - is this just fantasy? 2008-02-25 18:32:14 Okay, so I am reading this fascinating book called The Pig That Wants to Be Eaten: 100 Experiments for the Armchair Philosopher by Julian Baggini. In it, the author puts forward one hundred thought experiments which basically touch on many of the most famous problems in philosophy by putting forward ethical dilemmas which make you think.For example, he puts forward a theoretical example of a group of people who live in a cult in a house, who never go out and only watch soap operas such as Eastenders, Coronation Street and Neighbours and believe those soaps are reality. There are called the Weatherfieldians (after the geographical area in which Coronation Street is based).Now, one day a rebel called Dave decides to sneak out of the house and go and find Coronation Street. He is appalled to Read more:fantasy
Popping Our Cherries 2008-02-20 13:12:34 Back in the dark ages when I was sixteen, shopkeepers blithely sold school kids cigarettes for ten p a pop. I had spent five years in a rather posh girls' school that smelt like old cabbage and like old cabbage was riddled with spinster teachers who were as hideous as grotesque caterpillars. At that school you could be expelled for dying your hair blue or smoking in the bogs. Consequently I made my escape sharpish to the local comprehensive where you could buy a selection of illegal substances at the school gates and where the teachers turned a blind eye if you smoked weed in the sixth form common room (I kid you not). We often smoked joints on Hampstead Heath (which was where the school was located), and soon after I started at the comprehensive, I realized I had entered an extremely soph Read more:Cherries
, Popping
Beautiful Bloggers 2008-02-19 19:15:11 Image supplied by Sausage, age 4I woke up today to a marvellous spring day. Birds were singing. Bees were copulating. Could today get any better? Indeed it could. I had been nominated for the Beautiful
Bloggers Competition.I was in esteemed company. I was cheek by jowl next to the rather debonair devil who writes devil's kitchen.It was a lively evening of judging and I ended up third in a rather compromising position on top of the rather attractive New Romantic Mr Debonair who came forth (actually some guy called Tom Reynolds got in between us so our relationship remains unconsummated). For reasons best known to nurse/lavatory plunger fetishists, this lady came in second:To get onto an altogether different subject, I want to talk about people saying sorry. Last week the Australian governme
More Mayhem in Madras 2008-02-13 14:39:04 Continuation to Part 1 ….Day 3Attempts to go native collapsed today. Indian food for breakfast, lunch and dinner takes its toll on a person whose palate craves bland greasy carbohydrates. After a nervous breakdown of sorts I found myself in an eatery called Little Italy, its walls decorated in lotus leaf designs, the wait staff Japanese and Vietnamese, shoveling down mozzarella and avocado salad as if my life depended on it. I told my husband I want to live in India but he pointed out that I don’t like the food that much. I said, “What about Delhi? I hear they have a Marks and Spencers up there?” He said, “What about the heat?” While we were in Madras
it was their winter and the heat was bearable but I’m not sure I could cope with their summer. So maybe living in India isn’ Read more:Mayhem
Mayhem in Madras 2008-02-07 12:30:15 I'm back and am pleased to report that I did not get the shits in Madras
. I didn't really want to leave India at all, the only downside being that the toilets left a lot to be desired.We went over for our friend Sanjay's wedding (who's from Madras but now lives in the US), but because he is quite private I promised not to post pictures of the couple getting married, even though they are pretty spectacular.Still, it was all so amazing I am posting some pictures. And here is my diary....Day 1Ever wondered what happened to Noddy? He eloped with Big Ears and now lives in Madras.Shop like J LoNow, I am not a power shopper. I like a leisurely stroll through a couple of department stores, then a coffee, then lunch, then maybe I buy a pair of shoes. So on Day 1 in Madras I felt a bit like a movie Read more:Mayhem
Instant Karma's not gonna get you 2008-01-28 15:02:24 I don't believe in instant karma. Why? Because I've had phenomenal amounts of luck all my life, without working particularly hard, or being especially nice. So why the charmed life? Dunno, people have commented that I have too attractive a personality for most people to resist, to which I would say, yes, I am more amusing that 99% of the people on this planet, but is that reason enough to have the Gods smile on me? Fact is, I have always had freebies drop in my lap without sucking up to people. Which is weird.I know some of you may be thinking, isn't this lady meant to be in Madras? Fact is, I'm not on the plane yet. I keep thinking about what my friend Sanjay said, the guy we're going to visit in Madras, who is getting married (just a small wedding, 1200 guests).We are flying today, on Qa Read more:gonna
, not gonna
Minority Porn 2008-01-27 08:51:55 I got an email today which said my blog had not been silly enough recently and could I lower the bar a little. Fair point, and since I aim to please, I'm going to do a section on minority porn. This is sectors of porn that are of interest to a very small demographic and consequently do not even have their own sites. Enjoy.Irish PornBlind PornCorn PornTortoise PornSushi PornToothpaste FetishHammock PornAnd now, alas, I must bid you all au revoir as I jet off to Madras for a vacation, (without the kids). This time next week I will be taking a tour of a coconut grove. Please don't hate me! See you all soon. Be good.EmmaxxxSubscribe to Feed Read more:Minority
Walking the dog 2008-01-24 19:23:18 I was shocked by an article I just read in The Daily Mail about a goth guy called Dani, who enjoys leading his girlfriend Tasha around on a leash, who was chucked off a bus by the driver who said, "We don't let freaks and dogs like you on."No I'm not shocked so much because the bus driver was rude to this besotted couple who go everywhere together joined at the leash. No, it was more the shock of, goodness me, are Goths still going? Me as a psychobilly (not really) - but I did have a quiff for a whileThey were definitely not a London thing when I was growing up. You had to dress like a rockabilly (we called ourselves psychobillies) when I was fourteen, then I went through a parka wearing mod phase, and after that I passed into a kind of Frankie Says Relax vortex of black and white tight sk Read more:Walking
Many Little Hands Make Light Work 2008-01-21 15:21:29 Today, my daughter Scarlett handed me a note which said, ‘I want more chores.’ Not wanting to deprive her of this pleasure, I gave her one of those spray cleaners and a scrubbing sponge and let her start cleaning the toilet, then the bathroom. Funnily enough, her sister Sausage and two friends who were visiting got jealous and wanted to clean too. So I designated one girl as Spray Girl, and they sprayed and scrubbed the kitchen, which was in a pretty bad state, while I ‘supervised.’Later I showed Scarlett a rather silly book I was reading called ‘What Makes Woman Happy?’ by Fay Weldon and Scarlett replied, “Cleaning!” proof, if proof is needed that a passion for cleaning is born not made, since I am not a person who is neat, tidy or especially houseproud. But it was good to Read more:Hands
A trip into darkness 2008-01-17 17:57:51 How will you die? Or how would you like to die? Not that you can choose, of course, but the way you die says something about your life. When you trip down the stairs and bash your head, pass out and lie in a dark house for three days. When the police have to knock down your door to find you, it says something about your life. It says you were essentially alone, in the dark all your life. Or at least that’s what it says about my dad.I suppose you could say that the friend who alerted the police was concerned about him. But it was more likely that my dad hadn’t been paying for rounds in the local pub as usual and that’s why he was missed.He had a girlfriend who he didn’t live with, Pamela, who resented me although she’d never met me. He had recently been diagnosed with diabetes, I
I'll have a Toronto Trim with a hoodectomy on the side please 2008-01-10 13:36:20 Q: What is the Toronto
Trim?No it's not a new type of pubic hairstyle, it's actually a new cosmetic procedure where you clip off bits of your labia. Toronto Doc Robert H. Stubbs pioneered the technique. Apparently, for the past 12 years, women have come to him from all over North America to have their labia minora -- the flaps of skin that form the lips of a woman's genitalia and surround the clitoris and vaginal opening -- reduced.It's not a cosmetic alteration that ranks up there in popularity with breast augmentation, but recently Dr. Stubbs has been performing the surgery more than ever -- as often as once a month.A recent issue of Cosmopolitan magazine declared that "sexual-enhancement" surgery such as labiaplasty and vaginal tightening (which Dr. Stubbs also performs) is the hottest
Hillary Gets Shafted 2008-01-07 18:28:10 Hillary Clinton isn’t exactly known as a raunchy lady, so it was quite fun to see her letting loose and being shafted by a black man the other day in Iowa. Apparently, she enjoyed it, because she’s going to meet him in New Hampshire to receive another pounding tomorrow, the dirty little minx! Yes indeed, although I am usually apathetic at best about politics, seven years of the dreadful Dubya in office has made even a cynic like me start getting excited as the horses gallop out onto the paddock in this electoral race. If I was going to vote, I’d be looking for brains plus charisma plus vision (or at the very least, as Meatloaf once sang, “two out of three ain’t bad.”)Yes, someone who has a rousing vision of a new and better society could make even me rush to the ballot box and Read more:Hillary
Young Bucks and Old Maids 2008-01-02 13:44:53 My dear pal Ms. Robinson, has oft commented on why, seeing as I am a mother, I do not write about mothering subjects like how excited I am that my souffle has risen. Well, I'm afraid Ms. R, that that's simply not the way I roll. Mothers are, by and large, extremely dull and worthy individuals and I am, well, not. I have, with a pick axe managed to pick through the heaps of dullards to find mom friends who are nuttier than fruitcakes, although some of them are so mad that they induce toothache, like those gummy raisins that stick between your teeth and are impossible to pick out. To give you a prime example, I will tell you about my mommy friend Tasha.Now, I went to a party with Tasha on New Year's Eve with her daughter, her boyfriend Max, my kids, my husband etc. For some reason that now e Read more:Maids
I Love You All So Much 2007-12-31 16:16:29 Dear Fans and Friends,(This is a letter written as if I am a celebrity because I feel like I will be soon, why I don't know, just a feeling)...As 2007 draws to a close, I would like to thank you all so much for buying my CD and my book called Poor Little Self-Centred Bitch Trod On Everyone To Get To The Top, making me very rich and allowing me to have imported chunks of glacier ice in my scotch and allowing me to have very attractive rent boys servicing my every need day and night. Thank you.To Master Bates who sent me the multi functional sex toy kit...can I just say...thank you so much! I spent all of Christmas putting it together and it really made my Christmas go with a bang.I also gave the nanny the day off for an hour last Saturday so I could pose for these loving photos with my kids
The Evolutionary Function of the Clitoris? 2007-12-27 18:58:20 So, there was this anthropologist bloke at Harvard called Frank Marlowe, and all the other anthropologists wanted to gouge his eyes out. Why? Because he had somehow managed to wangle a research grant to study the important subject of Why Do Most Men Prefer Big Tits?Down the pub his friends would glare at him with barely concealed loathing."Look at many tits today did you, for your research?" one older prof sporting knee socks and sandals would ask."A couple of dozen," Marlowe would reply, smug as you like."Big ones?" another sandal wearer would ask."Pretty big, yeah.""You bastard!" one of the graduate students would cry, lunging for Marlowe's throat. "And here's me, having to slave away on my dreary topic, The Extinction of the Australian Pygmies. I'll kill you!"Once the grant money ran ou Read more:Evolutionary
Relight My Fire 2007-12-25 16:29:56 I wrote an email to one of my oldest friends, Fiona, the other day, who I met on the first day of University. We've been through thick. We've been through thin. We've held each other's hair back while we barfed after a bender, I helped her though an affair with a married man, a work affair that backfired when the guy kept demonstrating the noises she made during orgasm (without being asked to) in the tearoom where they both worked, and she saw me through an obsessive affair with a novelist and a mixed bag of nutcases. We also shared a flat in London and had quite a laugh.Back in the early nineties, she was quite into Take That. Now, I thought they were pretty naff back then. But fifteen years on, well, for some unknown reason, they now seem quite cool. Or maybe it's simply that I have rece
From My Vulva To Yours 2007-12-20 14:17:07 Dear Readers,As the year draws to a close I take another swig of gin and get all sentimental as I think how dear you all are to me. I wish I could give you all presents, but I'm way too tight for all that. In any case, it's the thought that counts, isn't it? So here's some gifts I'd get you if you trusted me with your snail mail addresses and didn't think of me as just a blog stalker with a pretty face:To Sexy Steph I give a vulva puppet. I picked it for you because you are obviously very much in love with your vagina and even wrote a song to her:Hey There Vagina!Hey there vaginawhat's it like so near my clittyI'm an arm distance away from youbut damn you look so prettyyes you doanus can't shine as bright as youI swear it's true.Hey there vaginaDon't you worry bout the dischargeI got you s Read more:Yours
Go Elf Yourself 2007-12-14 18:03:23 "Oh Sausage! How many times have I told you not to take pizza from strange squirrels!"Disciplining kids has never been my strong point, but my four and a half year old, nickname Sausage, has got me so under the thumb that I had to do something to quash the miniature tyrant.Yes I did try to overlook the dozens of times she has painted on walls. Also the time she drew pictures of flowers in lilac nail polish on my bed. Excuse: "I couldn't find any paper."She also outsmarted my mum who was staying with us recently, in a very funny incident. Sausage has this tendency to say to people suddenly, "I hate you! I don't want to be your friend any more!"So eventually my mum got fed up with it and said back to Sausage, "Well, I hate you too! I'm fed up with you saying you hate me and I'm leaving, righ Read more:Yourself
I Dream of the Fat Man 2007-12-11 17:07:23 Today I woke from a strange dream where I was having a raging affair with Rab C. Nesbitt. Actually, it wasn’t quite as bad as me being turned on by a fat man in a string vest, because my lover was more the actor who plays Rab, Gregor Fisher, rather than the überslob himself. I do remember his rather drab brown clothes hanging over a chair (the trousers were those polyester ones that go shiny with wear at the knees), while Gregor sat on my bed naked, his gut hanging between his legs like a pregnant belly, tears coursing down his face as he rambled about how he couldn’t live without me. In this dream I was in love with Gregor too and, I believe, turned on by him, gut and all. Anyway, the point is that I have always considered myself a fairly superficial person, so I was impressed that I Read more:Dream
Alcoholic Chainsaw Massacre 2008-03-11 19:17:12 Well things have been rather windy around here of late. No, not because of my excessive flatulence, but simply gales and the like, which knocked down this absolutely massive tree in my neighbor’s yard. Hurrah, thinks I, because it had long cast huge shadows on my garden, causing the grass to be patchy and my roses to not bloom at their fullest. So this massive tree is now lying across my neighbor's garden, and the one next to that.So my neighbor, Mr X, a nurse in his late thirties, rings my doorbell and says he wants to talk about what we are going to do about the tree. I have to admit that I don’t like Mr X. I suppose it might be because he often stands outside his front door in pyjamas and a jacket, smoking a cigarette and peering at everyone who passes by in a suspicious fashion. Th Read more:Alcoholic
, Chainsaw
The E-Spot: Feel Jane's Pain 2008-03-11 13:35:34 The E-Spot is a problem page for people who are tired of the wishy-washy pscychobabble of Dr Phil. Please email me your problem at emma.theespot@[remove]gmail.com (please say if you wish to remain anonymous).Yes, I want to talk about the rich today. And how they suffer. For example, imagine how you'd feel if you got a $67,000 Lexus for your birthday as this teen did.. And now imagine the shocking disappointment to find it was delivered on the wrong day. You'd be crying too, of course. I think it's high time we had some sympathy for rich people such as Lady Jane, who wrote to me the other day in deep distress. Thankfully, this was an easy question to answer, but before you dismiss rich people as just spoilt brats with nothing to complain about, think again. Even rich people need your sympat
Daddy's Girl 2008-03-14 13:00:50 I'm reading a warts and all biography about Vogue Editor Anna Wintour, who comes across as quite the cold-hearted bitch. But all this is conveniently explained by, what else, the fact that she had a distant, emotionally buttoned up father. She became an emotionally frigid woman, and also dated mainly much older men who weren’t particularly like her dad in character (they were lovable rogues), but I suppose they fulfilled the emotional void left by her dad's lack of attention.The ones on the left are from 1998 (hmm, years of hard drinking on my dad's part take their toll). On the right bad haircuts all round mum, dad, me circa 1979The book made me start thinking about my dad, who died a couple of months ago aged 59. The cause of death was liver cirrhosis actually, no surprise there. His d Read more:Daddy
Lusty Leprechauns 2008-03-17 12:14:13 PHONE ME NOW! I AM LYING IN A BATH OF CODDLE WAITING FOR YOUR CALL.CALL 0800-IRISH-FETISH Subscribe to Feed Read more:Leprechauns
Piss Poor Toilet Humor 2008-03-19 16:43:25 As the proud possessor of the world's weakest bladder I have done quite a survey of toilets. I am, as you may have guessed, the sort of penny pincher (or should that be bladder pincher) who prefers not to pay for urinating in a public facility. Last time I went to Harrods they tried to charge me a pound for the pleasure of relieving myself. I laughed in their faces and went to relieve myself in a less expensive vessel.Naturally, I am one of those people who, while strolling down the street, will just wander into a pub, use the facilities, and wander out again. The barman will rarely say anything if you just act like you are going for a quick wazz before ordering some drinks (obviously you don't buy anything). This technique gets easier when you have kids because you just drag the kids into Read more:Humor
, Toilet
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