Owner: Mommy Has A Headache URL:www.mommyhasaheadache.blogspot.com Join Date: Tue, 26 Feb 2008 17:06:43 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Humorous look at life told from the point of view of an irreverent Brit living in the US who has far too much time on her hands. Site statistics:Click here
It's Official - Porn Pays 2008-03-23 16:57:58 Fact is, I feel good. I feel like Sly Stone dancing under that rainbow. I feel real good. Even the fact that a drummer from Abba - one of my favorite bands of all time - kicked the bucket this week, didn't make me break down, and don flared black spandex as a mark of respect and have a wake for the poor guy (Ola Brunkert...I know, never heard of him). I simply stayed grinning inanely. Fact is, I am insanely happy right now without really knowing why.I am also feeling a warm glow in the pit of my guts. It's good to know that - because of me - because of my skill in crafting explosive sexual imagery, people are masturbating to my books in two countries. In England people are fiddling with their sausages, while in Germany they are manhandling their bratwursts to my highly erotic novel Lured b Read more:Official
Cockblocked 2008-03-25 19:29:43 So my forty-one year old crazy friend Tasha is in an unusual situation in that she has her 21 year old son Jake living her, plus her five year old daughter Angie. So Jake spends most of his time smoking weed and having sex with his girlfriend Charlotte and they just leave all their sex toys lying around his room. Well, Tasha is always warning them to not do this because Angie tends to pick up whatever is lying about. And of course, yesterday, the inevitable happened.Angie came home from school and Tasha looked through her schoolbag and found a pretty looking purple cock ring with a vibrating bullet on it. And she asked Angie where she'd got it from. Angie just made up some story about Charlotte having given her this pretty bracelet. Apparently Angie had worn the cock ring on her wrist, thi
The E-Spot: Penis Enlargements on the NHS? 2008-03-27 19:59:22 The E-Spot is a problem page for people who are tired of the wishy-washy pscychobabble of Dr Phil. Please email me your problem at emma.theespot@[remove]gmail.com (please say if you wish to remain anonymous). Please also note that your problem will be treated with no sensitivity whatsoever.I thought it was pretty obvious that my problem page was a piss take, but evidently some people are under the impression that I am a really empathetic person and won't rip the piss. Okay. Whatever. Basically, this bloke, let's call him Gordon, wrote to me from the UK the other day (my initial thoughts as I read it are in brackets):Dear E-Spot, My penis is only 4.3 inches long and slim too! I know that is well below average for size but how many guys in general would you find as small as me? [how should I Read more:Penis
What a penis! 2008-03-30 19:46:46 There are so many ways to tell a woman that you find her attractive aren't there? One of them seems to be to write to an agony aunt like myself about having a small penis. Yes indeed, it turns out that the guy who I called Gordon now claims that he was just having a laugh when he wrote to me. I'm not so sure...Yesterday he wrote:Hi, I was curious as why you picked the name Gordon? It’s OK I can live with that! Unlike my puny penis. Your post was quite funny by the way but I’m not coming to you for advice again!! I know that may hurt you somewhat but I feel you should be more considerate. PS my penis is 4.4 inches! I measured it wrong owing to the fact it is banana shaped! Hi Emma, or can I call you Lucinda? I love that name! If you’d given me good advice on the puny penis problem I w
God only knows what I'd be without you 2008-04-01 13:58:42 My husband came back after ten days away in London/Dublin and I had one of those God only knows what I'd be without you moments. I fell on him like a rabid animal. I said, "I didn't know what I had really, until you were gone." I realized I hadn't appreciated him for so long. Love hit me like a rush.Firstly, I realized I loved him for the task he'd completed. He'd been in London in my dad's basement (dad now deceased, my stuff had to be removed from stinking mouldy basement) and removed tons of my photo albums, personal effects etc. and drove them in a van back to Ireland. Okay, then he did have a few drinks with his buddies in Dublin, but still, not exactly much of a holiday?Where love is concerned isn't it always actions speak louder than words? You were getting filthy in a stinking base
In Bed with Gordon Ramsay 2008-04-03 19:35:02 I know I know, I must have had my head up my backside for years. I simply didn't realize there was a version of me walking around until last night. So okay I don't have pockmarked skin and okay I'm not worth £67m, but otherwise myself and GordonRamsay
are exactly alike! So yesterday it happened, an epiphany! I watched Gordon Ramsay's Hell's Kitchen where fifteen chefs try and make it through torturous times with Ramsay to get a job in one of his restaurants without having their balls flambeed or their breasts clamped in a waffle iron. Comic gold!There was one particular fat ugly little chef who I wanted to poke in the eyes, not even because he was fat and lazy but because he was the worst male chauvinist I've seen in a long time. There were two teams, men and women, and when the women's
Ripping yourself a new one 2008-04-07 13:53:17 The first point I want to make is, this is not a comment about the stupidity of Australians as I believe what I am about to impart is a worldwide trend. But I met this Aussie surgeon the other day who is working in the US for a year, who told me that from about ten years ago he has noticed a massive increase in anal tearing amongst women, many of them as young as eighteen, which he attributes to the relatively recent craze in anal porn. I am not an anal historian so please correct me on this but I believe that up until the eighties anal was a bit of an extra or a bit kinky whereas now it's as essential to every porn film as FF implants. The problem is, because of copycat nutters who can't figure out how to safely have anal sex (for example, what you see on a porn film is not the whole stor
The Unweaned Generation 2008-04-11 12:11:18 Okay, so no one who knows me could ever accuse me of being an overprotective parent. But I am so tired of them. One woman I know refuses to let her eight year old son go on field trips because she doesn't feel safe about him going on a school bus on the highway "In case the bus crashes." Right. Everywhere you look there are parents at playgrounds hovering over their kids and monitoring their play. And if they do (God forbid) get into a row with another kid, the parent referees the fight!I laughed my head off when this maybe nine year old boy came up to me at the playground today, practically in tears, and told me that Sausage, age 4, "won't leave me alone and keeps shouting at me." What was I meant to say, apart from, "you sad sad individual. I feel so sorry that you can't defend yourself Read more:Generation
Greedy Pigs Caught with Fists Full of Walnut Whips 2008-04-14 20:24:00 Christine Ruther - a craving for Walnut
Whips drove her into the arms of crimeIn the heist of a sweet shop called Minges and Son (FOR REAL!) police in Cincinnati recently followed a helpful trail of candy and discarded wrappers that the half-witted thieves had discarded, leading them directly to the suspects. Nineteen year old Christine Ruther had her 7-week-old daughter with her when she and three others broke into Peter Minges & Son candy store on Thursday. They are accused of taking about $400 (£203) worth of sweets. They reportedly used the baby's pushchair to transport their loot away from Minges. The group was arrested a few blocks away. This story made me cry with laughter. Until I remembered I'd had a similar brush with the law when I was fifteen and had a Saturday job in a fancy Read more:Caught
Egoist or Voyeur? 2008-04-16 17:50:31 I have decided that bloggers fall into two categories: egoists and voyeurs. I, for example, am an egoist.EGOISTSEgoists are in the most extreme cases, people who are deeply in love with themselves, relish the smell of their own farts, laugh at their own jokes, post pictures of their mangy cats and would marry themselves if they could. Many male egoists enjoy writing blogs that showcase their sexual prowess, the size of their member (at least the size of a marrow) and recounting unpleasant sexual details about the dozens of women they have satisfied. Many of them happily combine being a sexual god with spending twelve hours a day with their pants around their ankles cruising the blogosphere. Female egoists who don't post pics of their cats often post pictures of their back and front bottoms
The E-Spot: No Picnic 2008-04-21 12:59:41 Dear The E-Spot,I have just purchased a sexy new picnic table (see above), which now sits outside my house on my deck. The problem is that I am crazy about her. Yes, I think of the table as a woman and have become obsessed. At first I just caressed the table, and enjoyed pulling the umbrella in and out of its hole. But soon, unbenown to my wife, I started to, well, to have sexual impulses towards this table. Pretty soon I was making excuses to my wife, running out onto the deck and rubbing myself up against the table like a dog on heat. I keep wondering how it would feel to make love to this table, to slip my penis into the table's hole and make sweet sweet music. Please help me, because I am going crazy with worry. I mean, am I sick, or do other people feel like this about picnic tables? Read more:Picnic
Literary Wednesday 2008-04-23 13:21:16 I woke up this morning feeling crazed. Does anyone else feel like they are psychotic during their period? I feel like I am totally unravelling, like if this video were run in reverse:So lucikly, my antipodean chum Ms Robinson had a calm soothing task for me. The equivalent of eating an egg with soldiers. She had tagged me to do a meme entitled: WHAT ARE YOU READING?These are the rules:1. Pick up the nearest book.2. Open to page 123.3. Find the fifth sentence.4. Post the next three sentences.5. Tag five peopleSo here I go:1. 365 Manners Kids Should Know by Sheryl Eberly.2. Under a heading called How to eat shish kabob the fifth sentence says:When your child is served meat and vegetables on a large skewer, he should hold the skewer in his left hand with the end of the skewer resting on the p Read more:Literary
, Wednesday
Love is all about tongues 2008-04-24 19:49:26 This makes me feel so inadequate. How can I compete? I don't even have a removable tongue!!Also to the guy in this video: If you can afford the $6,500 for one of these dolls maybe you can afford to move out of your parents' home?The extract is from a documentary on Living Dolls called Guys and Dolls made by Channel 5Subscribe to Feed
A Perfect Ten 2008-04-28 18:00:55 The delightful Luka recently asked people to write a real warts and all, blow by blow account of how they have sex, without recourse to the 'the orgasm was like waves crashing over me' and 'his penis was like a red hot rod drilling through my molten rosebud' clichees of erotica. For a while I thought I was up for it, until I realized that actually I was too shy. Yes, me! Too shy! It's more like, if you lot really knew the absolute ins and outs of what I get up to in the sack then I would have nothing private about me, since I have spilt quite a bit on my blog already, and I'm not ready to shed all my bodily fluids. But what I will tell you is that at the end of a session I will always give my orgasms marks out of ten. Mostly they are over nine. I will shout something like, "Wow, that was a Read more:Perfect
A Loss of Faith 2008-05-01 13:05:23 This case has really knocked me for six. An Austrian man kept his daughter Elisabeth locked up in a cellar for twenty four years, had sex with her, fathered seven children, three of which he and his wife legally adopted (his wife claims she didn't know her own daughter was the mother), the other three kids lived with Elisabeth in the cellar and never saw daylight. The last child died at birth and the abuser threw it in an incinerator. It is just so horrendous it is impossible to get one's head around it.Usually you try and forget that people like that exist and are free and are walking around. And sometimes it is so hard to look my older daughter in the face when she is scared about something she saw in a movie and tell her that nothing bad is going to happen to her, that I will stop bad p Read more:Faith
Diary of a Penis 2008-05-05 20:53:36 The other day I briefly glanced at a Reality TV program in which F list celebrities tried to do magic tricks called - I kid you not - Celebracadabra. It was at that point that I realized that the Reality TV craze was officially over. That it was a dead fish flopping around at the bottom of someone's trousers.If only TV executives would take inspiration from some of the geniuses in the blogosphere. Clint, for example, is a mind-blowing genius who has a great idea for a reality series featuring the ups and downs of his penis. Oh yes, Clint has put his penis where his mouth is and launched this brilliant series on twitter (a site which has made stalking a doddle for psychos everywhere). I for one would love to see this diary turned into a reality series.Sample entries from Clint's Penis
:Is ti Read more:Diary
The Future is Anthrax Beards 2008-05-08 19:42:42 We all of us of a certain age who grew up in the UK remember nerds paradise Tomorrow's World. Sure it was fun looking at lots of hot new gadgets which would revolutionize our lives, but it was hard to take a technology program seriously that had a puffed pastry letter in its opening credits. Hardly cutting edge now was it? And falling ratings meant it got the chop in 2003.I don't actually remember much of what was shown on it apart from the usual stuff about robots doing all our housework by the year 2000. And I vaguely remember some guy who said he was going to put music onto a chip and we laughed because we thought nothing could ever replace LPs. But most of it (probably 90%) never found its way into stores. Do you remember any of the other 'inventions' they talked about? And whether the Read more:Future
The Ministry For Taste 2008-05-12 19:30:03 Thanks so much for all your predictions for 2050. My biggest hope is that by then there will be a Ministry
for Taste so that people of artistic sensibility like myself will no longer have to suffer. This is how it would go:Police Report of the Taste Police for May 12 20501. Vile pumps, vile dressJamie Lynn’s grand daughter Chrystal-Meth was today given a caution for violating two of the Ministry
I Want Your Sex 2008-05-19 19:03:38 Hmm, smells a bit like a two day old shish kebabI'm going to tell you something. And it may be quite shocking. And I'll understand if you don't want to come on my blog anymore. But this is the thing. I like George Michael. I don't mean I've ever bought any of his records. I mean sure, I used to listen to my flatmate's George Michael CDs, but I don't really buy CDs (I'm tight like that). What I mea
Kiddus Interruptus 2008-05-22 13:44:12 Having sex during the period your kids are young is something of an endurance sport. If you have, say, a spare fifteen minutes between grouting the kitchen tiles and unblocking the toilet, then you seize the chance of marital congress like a dying sailor reaching for Pamela Anderson's life rafts.You certainly cannot afford to be 'too tired' or 'not in the mood' if you want to have sex any time bef
Confessions of a Freeganist 2008-05-28 21:09:59 Here in the US we are currently drowning in levels of hysteria not seen since the Second World War when people had to make cakes out of powdered egg and condoms out of shoe leather. Everywhere you look people are screaming about the price of gas being up to $3.60 per gallon!!!! Oh yea Gods the price of food has gone up 41% since October!!! Oh gosh the world is going to end right now.Obviously I'm
Hey Chicky Chicky 2008-05-27 17:52:12 Okay, so I just read Emily Gould's article in the New York Times Magazine. In my defence, I was on an exercise bike at the gym and had nothing else to do but read 8,000 words of rambling droning drivel. For those who don't know this lady, she is famous for writing on a website called gawker which has a section where it spies on celebrities and she became famous from this TV clip where she looks li
Fugly Rumers 2008-06-02 20:33:16 Trading Down?As news ricocheted through the fashion world that Kate Moss has just been dropped from her Agent Provocateur modelling contract and replaced by a 20-year old called Alice Dellal, I realized we were on the wave of a new trend that kicked off with Amy Winehouse's Crack Chic look and has been gathering momentum ever since. Now, I know some people think Kate's too thin, and maybe she is,
Shit Lit 2008-06-06 20:07:09 I have just got a blast of the stinky new novel 'Wetlands' by German author Charlotte Roche, who was inspired to write it while perusing the douche aisle of her local store. She was struck by the number of products telling women that their natural odors and growths were enemies, meant to be eliminated and perfumed. I feel amazingly out of the loop. I thought that everyone knew that douches were do
Stinky Old Man 2008-06-11 20:23:46 Gyms, I know they're nonsense and a huge waste of cash. I know one could easily, if one had the self-discipline, get up at five and go for a brisk run etcetera etcetera, but I am not such a person. In fact, in the last five months I have actually put on weight while working out at the gym, which means that, duh, I've been eating too much. I read some nonsense in a women's mag just now that said, "
Bimbos v Brainiacs 2008-06-16 10:22:27 Today I read a very reputable article in The Sun about a new survey which shows that brainy babes find it harder to have an orgasm – because they are too busy thinking.A German survey [no source given, naturally] found that the more educated a woman was, the less likely it was that she would be satisfied by sex.In the study 62 per cent of women who had completed their education said they often h
Animal Antics 2008-06-18 10:43:13 At last I am happy with my garden, the lilies bloom, the roses blush, I can relax with a Pimms and survey my handiwork and sigh with middle aged contentment. Then I notice there is a small, cute rabbit who is nibbling the clover that is mixed in with the grass. How absolutely adorable, the children agree, to have a pet mowing the lawn!The honeymoon period regarding the rabbit lasts about a day whe Read more:Animal
, Antics
You're Having A Laugh 2008-06-25 19:27:10
I just heard about a new British tourism initiative called ComedyEngland, which plans to take tourists to places where British comedy programs have been filmed, and can honestly say I have never heard of anything less funny in my life.
Apparently, some tourism executives who were not high on cocaine (or maybe they were) dreamt up the "have a laugh" holiday schedule which includes a weekend break Read more:Having
Half Arsed Addicts 2008-06-22 07:04:53
Question of the day:
How many partners makes you a sex addict?
A. 40
B. 400
C. 345
D. 632
Did you get it right?
Yes, it's forty. Forty measly men makes a sex addict!
I just read a review of self styled sex addict Kerry Cohen's book Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity. Kerry apparently can barely remember all of the 40-odd men she's slept with (her list includes "that guy with the dog" and " Read more:Addicts
Chapstick Lesbians 2008-07-10 11:19:08 Well, I was gobsmacked when I saw a video today for the insanely catchy tune: I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry: I was hoping it was going to be rude, but all it involved was some floozy getting turned on by another teens cherry chapstick. I guess Katy Perry is less a lipstick lesbian than a chapstick lesbian. So listen up, Ms Perry, I suggest if you really want to make some waves, why not do somethin
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