Owner: A Twist Of Humor URL:http://www.atwistofhumor.com/ Join Date: Mon, 12 Feb 2007 19:28:32 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: A Twist Of Humor takes a whimsical look at life. Have a look and get a laugh, chuckle, or smile. Site statistics:Click here
Setting Me Straight 2007-02-12 03:07:26 I am, I confess, a very muddle-headed person. I didn't know how muddle-headed I was until I had lunch the other day, at a restaurant, with Mr. Deep-Pockets, a very successful business person. He took the opportunity during lunch to set me straight on a few things… as he saw them. Mr. Deep-Pockets is a large man with larger appetites who has all the bluster and tact of that bull who keeps wandering into that china shop and wrecking it.
We were in the middle of lunch when I happened to mention to Mr. Deep-Pockets that my wife and I sponsored two children overseas in third world countries and would he perhaps be interested in doing the same. He said…On second thought instead of telling you I'll draw the curtain back and show you.
"Two!" the word filled the restaurant, "two! My god man, don't you know you are just encouraging them? I can see I am going to have to set you straight" This was said with a mouth full of lobster, a good portion of which ended up on my side o Read more:Setting
, Straight
Bits&Pieces 2007-02-05 02:16:56
So there I was a few years back in the recovery room after an operation to repair my broken and dislocated left ankle. I found myself in this predicament because of the failed assassination attempt on my person by the two cats who took up space in my house at that time. They had engineered an express trip down the basement stairs for me, where I found the toes on my left foot at a right angle to my left knee. My more astute readers will almost immediately realize this is not the direction they are meant to point. (See "The Furry Assassins.')
One of the culprits is no longer with us. A couple of years after the events described above she was permanently resting under a tree in the backyard… What's that you ask Madam? No Madam, I had no hand in this matter. She died of entirely natural causes. Although if I am absolutely truthful Madam, there was a Vet involved…a needle and some chemicals also played a part… but other than that the causes were entirely natural.
After
A Card Will Do Me Fine 2007-01-29 02:20:12 I have a birthday coming up next month, an important milestone on the road to the nursing home. As my sixteen-year-old son is overly fond of reminding me, the overwhelming majority of people living on this planet are younger than me.
I'm a bit worried about my birthday. I'm not the kind of person who likes a fuss made over their birthday, even if it is sort of a significant one. No, a card will do me fine. However, I'm worried my wife will make a fuss over it, even though I've told her I don't want anything unusual done on that day, even if it is a special birthday. No, a card will do me fine. I sought my son out and told him the same thing. I don't need a party or gifts- no big folderol on my account, even if it is a very special birthday. No, a card will do me fine.
Some people may like a to-do made over their birthday. The balloons and streamers, maybe some party favors even. Perhaps some food and drink, music and dancing, a round of happy birthday or he's a jolly go
The Burial 2007-01-22 02:04:33 What follows is a story my friend Patrick told me. It concerns the day he helped his friend Ted bury his father. Patrick and Ted have been close friends for a good many years. They are what you might call older gentlemen. Old they may be, but in spirit they are as young as they ever were. I have put the story down as near as I can, as Patrick told it to me. For reasons that will become obvious, I can't vouch for the total accuracy of the story. The fact that Patrick, while telling me the story, may have offered me a drink or two of rum that I may have accepted, might also color the story. Here, as best we two can remember, is what happened.
After Ted's ninety-seven-year-old father was properly waked and cremated, Patrick went to his friend's house to help bury the ashes, on an afternoon that found the mist and fog rolling in off the North Atlantic into the bays and coves and up onto the shores of the Island of Newfoundland. There he found Ted sitting at his kitchen table with a Read more:Burial
And How Was Your Christmas? 2007-01-08 03:17:01 Well that was interesting. I mean the Christmas
holiday time that just passed. I don't know about you, but I had a wonderful time.
Of course there was the little matter of the four people I knew who died. However on the bright side, there was one fellow I know who didn't die. He just had a heart attack.
Other than that I had a wonderful Christmas. Well…. now that I think about it, the Christmas tree did fall over on Christmas Eve. My wife was wrapping presents on the dining room table and I was sitting on the couch, cat beside me, listening to Christmas music, drink in hand, relaxed, and at peace, when much to my wonder I spied the Christmas tree slowly tip and begin a downward journey to the shiny new hardwood floor. I sprang from the couch and flew like a flash to the tree. I didn't make it in time to save the tree from making a face first landing into the floor.
As the sounds of the breaking and popping Christmas decorations echoed in my head I gazed at the fallen tree as
Down Time 2006-12-11 08:58:00 I will not be posting a new column until January 8, 2007. This is because of other commitments and the holiday season. I also plan to move my blog from Blogger to its' own domain at atwistofhumor.com …… that is if I can figure out how to do it.
If anyone wishes to be notified when I make my next post, please click the e-mail button on the sidebar.
Happy Holidays,
Mike
The Snow Beast 2006-12-04 07:52:00 This column was originally printed in The St. John’s Telegram on January 7, 2005.
Heaven help us, another winter is upon us.
I hate winter.
I know this will not please the winter enthusiasts and those who make a lucrative living from their dementia, but in my opinion winter is nothing but a gigantic grab bag of frustration, designed to drive sane people mad and mad people to the ski slopes and to worse winter pursuits, like ice fishing or, God forbid, snowmobiling.
You may think staying at home and hiding from old man Winter and his henchman Jack Frost would be a good option. Think again. Winter is a relentless and heartless adversary that will seek you out wherever you may be.
For instance, one frosty day, having a sore back, calloused hands and percolating anger in my heart, I surveyed my snow-clogged driveway - the same driveway I had already shoveled out twice that day.
My worst nightmare coming alive mesmerized me.
After I shook myself from my trance I found that I possess Read more:Beast
The Visitor 2006-11-27 07:42:00 A while ago my wife decided that I needed a change of scenery. Thinking only of my welfare, and without my knowledge, she called my two sisters and brother in Ontario and asked if I could stay with one of them. My wife told me it took several days for them to decide who I was going to stay with. It seems there was a big family argument about it. I guess each one of them wanted me stay at their home. It gives one a warm feeling to be wanted and loved like that.
As soon as it was decided who I was staying with my wife had me at the airport. It seems, being the forward thinking person she is, she had the ticket already bought and my bags packed several days before she phoned my brother and sisters. When I was aboard the airplane, as it was moving to the runway, I looked out my window towards the airport viewing deck and I thought I could see my wife dancing a happy jig. A lump arose in my throat and my eyes got misty. This woman loved me so much that she was dancing a jig of happiness bec Read more:Visitor
Movers And Shakers 2006-11-20 06:41:00 One of Canada's most important national institutions is the local donut shop. These revered establishments bind the country together from sea to sea to sea.
There is a reason Canadians eat more donuts and have more donut shops per capita than the rest of the world. These shops are the peoples' meeting place where we come to socialize and where the nation's business is conducted by the country's movers and shakers. Why, I have even heard that the Prime Minister and his staff take their morning coffee break in the donut shop near the parliament buildings where they plot the nation's course over coffee and jelly donuts.
Just the other day I had the privilege to see and hear some movers and shakers in action at a donut shop. Being one of the ordinary people it wasn't acceptable for me to sit at the same table as them, but I was close enough to soak up their accumulated wisdom. At the head of that august table was none other than Smedley Smyth-Smith. It is rumored that he is Read more:Movers
, Shakers
A Modern Fairy Tale 2007-02-19 02:16:40 Come and listen, because I have a modern fairy tale to tell you. It has the requisite hero, heroine and villain because no fairy tale, modern or otherwise, is complete without them. However, because it's a modern fairy tale it's sometimes hard to tell who the villains are because they hide their true nature behind a cloak of virtue. I believe there was a large wolf of ill repute that did something similar once upon a time.
The tale begins in a venerable school, over there, sitting in a sunny field of green grass, under the shade of those noble oak trees. Proudly waving in the breeze above the school is an honorable flag of an honorable and good people… Don't be bashful, move closer, so you can get a better look at what's happening there.
As you can see, entering the school under the watchful eyes of the security cameras and armed guards are the students. Before the students can actually enter the school they have to undergo some minor inconveniences. They must pass through Read more:Modern
God Must Love Idiots 2007-02-26 02:39:29 My wife tells me I mumble when I talk. She is wrong. I can hear and understand myself perfectly well when I talk, thank you very much. If someone doesn't understand me, they are either deaf or an idiot. As proof of this let me tell you what happened the other night at a restaurant.
We went to a nice restaurant (it had a tablecloth on the table and clean forks) and ordered a meal from the menu. Being a high-quality type of establishment one couldn't order a meal off the menu by a number. One had to say what one wanted, such as steak and baked potato or fish and chips or whatever. It was quite posh actually. My wife ordered her meal from the waitress and then I ordered mine. That's when the trouble started.
After several failed attempts at placing my order with the waitress I began to suspect I was dealing with someone with a hearing problem. I was about to try again when she told me that if I needed a translator there was another waitress who spoke French and German. My wife, wh Read more:Idiots
Pixilated 2007-03-05 02:11:04 Note: Following this column I have responded to Katie from Thyme For Cooking and her tag asking me to reveal 5 previously unknown but fascinating facts about myself.
I’ll own up to it right now without hesitation or embarrassment, my nerves are gone…shot, stabbed, strangled, clubbed, drowned…beyond all repair…gone. I am like a tightly coiled spring, ready to go boinnng at the slightest provocation. I have no explanation for this other than the pixies are busy tightening the screw on my spring. As everyone knows pixies cause all the mischief in the world and they are doing this purely for their own twisted amusement. In short I have become pixilated. Any unexpected noise will set me off.
It wasn’t too long ago that my wife spent two hours coaxing me from under our bed where I had sprung to during an earsplitting thunderstorm. When I did finally slink from under the bed it was to immediately seek the safety of the closet.
When I’m walking down a street and I hear a loud no
A Blemish On Paradise 2007-03-12 02:24:29 The cross country ski club which I am a member of has forty kilometers of groomed ski trails that wander over a beautiful wilderness area. As level ground is in short supply on the island of Newfoundland there are plenty of hills on these trails. At the top of some of these hills one can look for miles and see…well… one can see miles of… nothing, except of course for scores of ponds, lakes, rivers and the ever-present hills. Oh, and down there amongst the trees there would be bears, moose, lynx, foxes, perhaps a coyote, beavers, rabbits, squirrels, birds, and fish swimming under the ice on the ponds, rivers, and lakes. All this would be covered in a blanket of sunlit snow under a blue sky. As I said, other than these few things one would see nothing. An absolute paradise some would say.
There are some cross country skiers who can stride or skate over the trails with an effortless grace that is something to behold. It’s also called showing off. Not one given to showing off, I Read more:Blemish
, Paradise
The Saucy Car 2007-03-19 02:32:19 I’m in the market for a new car. It doesn’t have to be fancy or have all the latest frills and gizmos; it doesn’t even have to be brand new. I’m a man of plain tastes…mainly because I can’t afford otherwise. The most important requirement in my next car is that it not be saucy like my last one. What’s that? You’ve never heard of a saucy car? Well let me tell you about one.
The first time I noticed my car was saucy I was driving to town when a loud, rapid clicking noise started coming from the engine. When I got to town I took it to a garage and asked them to have a look at the car. When the mechanic started the car, not only was there no noise, the engine never sounded better.
The mechanic poked and prodded the engine for a few minutes and said the car appeared fine. I insisted as there had been a noise something must have caused it. He then gave me a long list of things that might have caused the noise. While he did this I nodded my head, smiled or grunted in what I
Uncle Albert’s Christmas Tree 2007-12-26 11:48:39 Before I get to the story of “UncleAlbert
’s Christmas
Tree” I would like to give a little background to this story. At the end of November the editor of the local paper “The Packet” emailed me and asked if I had a Christmas story and if not would I write one for the December [...] Read more:Christmas Tree
On Sons, Time And Love 2007-10-05 19:56:44 I’m back with a new column. In the past I’ve tried to post a column every week. I think for now I will post more randomly. I also am going to try and experiment more with my writing. I would like to thank everyone who has encouraged me to continue writing. I discovered that [...]
An Explanation 2007-09-26 20:54:31 So where was I? Oh yes…I wrote in May that I wouldn’t be writing any columns for a couple of weeks. Ummm, I seem to have miscalculated. I think an explanation might be in order. Especially to those who wrote and enquired how I was, where I was and if I needed any bail money. [...]
Time Management Problems 2007-05-13 20:01:31 Although it may not be apparent, writing one of these columns once a week takes a fair amount of my time, and because spare time will be in short supply I won’t be writing one for a couple of weeks.
Among other things I have to get caught up on my outdoor chores before the meat [...] Read more:Management
, Time Management
Dreams Of What Might Be 2007-05-06 17:25:35 I was recently standing on a hill on Random Island looking across Smith Sound to where the bluffs and cliffs start their march down the shore of Trinity Bay. The march comes to an end at the rocky cliffs of Cape Bonavista in the waters of the North Atlantic. Traveling east from here [...] Read more:Dreams
Gladys (Dalton) Ledrew 1914-2007 2007-04-22 18:19:29 Because of the illness and subsequent passing away of my mother-in-law on April 20, I won’t be posting a column this week. However, this is a link-Ants In My Pants-to a story originally posted on Sept. 11, 2006 in which my mother-in-law played a part. Except for a few embellishments the story is mostly true [...] Read more:Dalton
Winners And Losers 2007-04-15 20:11:39 I’ve recently read in The Atlantic magazine an article which suggested that there will be winners as well as losers in the coming Global Warming. According to the article one of the winners will be Canada.
This circumstance has presented me with a golden opportunity because I live in the province of Newfoundland and Labrador which [...] Read more:Winners
, Losers
Physics 101 2007-04-08 19:30:05 My wife asked me to clean out the basement. It is true the basement is a little crammed with junk and things. I don’t deny it. I also admit it does get a bit tiresome crawling over or under things. And maneuvering sideways between piles of stuff can get tricky. However, it would be extremely [...] Read more:Physics
Misunderstood 2007-04-01 19:37:57 Well it’s spring again or what passes for it in Newfoundland. My wife wants me to get some things done in the house before the weather improves enough to do outdoor work. She thinks I’ll use the outdoor work as an excuse not to do the indoor work and that I’ll find some reason or [...]
Rules Of The Road 2007-03-25 19:05:04 My sixteen-year-old son recently got his driver’s learner permit and is now taking lessons from a driving school. I had offered to teach my son to drive; however his mother, with a subtle hint, let me know that she preferred that I didn’t. She said, “Over my dead body!” Most readers of this, not knowing [...] Read more:Rules
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