Owner: Xbox4NappyRash URL:http://xbox4nappyrash.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Fri, 22 Feb 2008 06:00:13 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: I am a man. I am an idiot. I am THIRTY years of age, a man, and an idiot. In a self imposed rite of passage I have decided to take the ultimate plunge with my wife and apply my universal ineptitude to conceiving, preparing for, and caring for another huma Site statistics:Click here
Spencer 2008-03-17 12:24:00 Dear Spencer
,I know you are only one among millions down there, but you're the one I feel I have a connection with, the one I can talk to. I see you as a leader among men. Well, semen at least.We've been through a lot together, you, your buddies and me.Remember the first time we met? That was an eye opener, certainly was for my stuffed animals anyway.Over the next few years we had lot of good times, we met up with each other at every opportune moment, and quite a few inopportune ones.In fact, to date, I can only think of one single occasion where we met that wasn't entirely pleasurable.But things are changing...I'm not gonna butter you up, I'm gonna tell it to you straight.You need to get your act together down there and get your crew in order.Lets look at the facts.You have one hell of a
Sad Sunday, Shouting, & 100 2008-03-16 10:15:00 ==Sad Sunday
==I hate Sundays. Always have.This one brings us the not so surprising, yet tormenting news, that yet another month has been a failure.Shouldn't be surprised considering the results of this week but we still had hoped for that outside chance. Not to be. So begins cycle 12.We've told some friends about what's been going on, I'm not so sure about their reaction but for me it's a relief not to have to hold my tongue so much anymore.I don't know if ET is happy about this or not. She says she feels exposed. I can understand that, I think, but I hope she talks to her friends about it, it can only be a help, right?I don't want to push, or pressure her, but I think my frustration and impatience is doing just that to her. I just don't want to let you down any more than I already have.To
ET phones home... 2008-03-19 13:22:00 ...and tells me she's going to be working late.Perfect. Now I can write this in peace.You say you don't read this anymore, but I know you do. I like that. I want you to.I want you to because of things like this. I don't, or can't, always say what I should, when I should.This makes it a little easier.These last eleven months have been the most frustrating, disappointing, and yet exciting months of my life. In a sick kind of way they have also been the happiest. Happy because of what we are trying to do together. Not me, not you, but us, together.I know, because I get impatient and frustrated, I annoy the very living shit out of you, I am trying my best not to. You handle that very very well. Please don't confuse this 'annoying you' with my regular, everyday 'annoying you', that's my favouri
Sunday Shouts & Pinkification 2008-03-23 10:38:00 While Spencer is having a well deserved rest for a while, I'm gonna catch up on some housekeeping.Last Sunday
I linked to some blogs that I had started reading and enjoying.Dozy prick that I am, I left out three.So here they are...Missives From Suburbia has compact posts, and great photos which keep me coming back.The King & Queen at Married Leos are always good for a chuckle, a nice mix of topics and I love the husband/wife team blogging thing. Cool stuff.Thirdly, probably the nicest guy in bloggy world, even if he doesn't believe my sperm number crunching, is Jason at Roth Family Adventures. Now, not only did I forget to include this last week, but he make me look like a savage tit by posting this. So now it just looks like I'm sucking up to him, but I'm not. Honest. It's a good blo Read more:Shouts
Supplementing Spencer 2008-03-24 08:34:00 Now I'm going to get all serious and sciencey on your hides.It's a big week for Spencer
and the boys, Grand Prix week, 6 days which will make or break his reputation. (I am in negotiations with a sub-contracting sperm called Samson should Spencer not deliver.)He needs the best preparation possible. We've tackled the mental preparation here but of course we need to back that up with real physical conditioning.Keeping his condo nice and cool is a prerequisite, therefore I'm writing this wearing nothing but an itch and a pervy grin.The hour we spent cycling in the snow last night on our way to and from a Christmas (yes, Christmas, we have strange friends) dinner also will help prime him.But nature alone isn't enough!This world we live in strips us of vital nutrients and send us towards a dow
Plant in a moist, shady spot 2008-03-28 16:41:00 No sperm jokes, no humping references, no pornographic vitamins, and no psychotic ranting about sub-fertility.(quit the booing down the back you bollocks)The inappropriate amount of paracetamol & codeine I've been popping all day thanks to the brace of teenage Christmases past has taken hold and I've begun hallucinating.So for now, I'll just give you a glimpse of what I have to put up with EVERY feckin day. Welcome to my Holland....Taken a few months back outside our home. The Dutch are f*&^%ing bonkers. Read more:Plant
Being a prick (part one) 2008-03-27 15:32:00 Firstly, let me inform you that from the sensation on the right hand side of my face, either this brace is doing it's stuff and I'm going to have a smile like Mr Ed in 18 months, or I've just had a stroke.Anyway, more important matters, I know it may stun you to your very core, but I've not always been the suave, modern, sensative, metrosexual that you see before you today. I have been known, either through circumstance or intention, to be a bit of a prick. Here is just one example.1996 Cork, Ireland.Yours truly is out enjoying another evening of drunken student debauchery in one of the many hideous nightclubs that Cork had to offer it's student population. Put it this way, this place had sawdust all over the floor. We all know why drinking establishments frequented by students need sawdus
Brace Yourself 2008-03-26 12:49:00 Let's put aside the minor matter of me being incapable of getting an Irish Catholic woman pregnant, which, frankly, in itself has GOT to be some kind of 'first' in medical science.Let's put aside the fact that 1 week from now I have to repeat the entire self abuse and humiliation adventure all over again.Let's put aside that my very manhood is brought into question by my previous experience.Let's focus on another aspect of my ever deteriorating existence that will serve to chip away at the remaining fragments of respect, self or otherwise, that I possess.I am already at somewhat of a physical disadvantage in life, I'm 'horizontally challenged'.At 5 feet 6inches, I am a short arse. By Irish standards I am freakishly small, by Dutch standards I could be bloody Frodo.As with most of life cha Read more:Brace
, Yourself
'twas the night before er...you know... 2008-04-02 10:49:00 So here we are again. The eve of another 'sample' giving.What will the morning bring?Hopefully I won't see Spencer tomorrow, all going to plan he is already heading an expedition up through the fallopian wilderness, a la Indiana Jones, with words of inspiration ringing in his wee spermy ears.Mind you, I sincerely hope he is raiding a bloody egg and not a lost ark, although with my guys you never really know what they've got planned, and with women's bits you never really know what you'll find.Either way, we'll know the answer to that particular poser in a little over a week.The chances are I wouldn't recognise him in the crowd anyway, not being racist or anything, but they do all look quite similar. The ones with two heads or tails aside of course.All in all, my concerns before the previou
Walking the walk 2008-04-01 14:01:00 All silliness aside, if you have any conscience pay a quick visit to "all that comes with it" to read a very special guest post by Neil and Rachel.I'm not going to quote any of it, it simply MUST be read.Neil & Rachel have founded a charity in memory of their son, The Joseph Salmon Trust.Dan & 10 others are embarking on a fundraising walk this Summer to help support this organisation.How about clicking even a wee bit more and helping the cause. Let's face it, Dan doesn't exactly look the picture of health now does he? and 78 miles could rightly finish him off.Why not give a couple of quid to support parents & families who have lost children? Paypal, credit & debit cards all accepted.What's 1, or 2, or 5, or 10 bucks, quid, coconuts or euro to you eh?How about just giving th Read more:Walking
Fool's day 2008-04-01 12:02:00 Yes it's Fool's Day and not Fools Day. Denoting ownership, my ownership, not pluralisation.It's Fool's Day because it's MY day.My day because it's day number 300 that I haven't managed to get anyone knocked up. (how can that figure be correct? thats 10 months, but we're currently in cycle 12, hmmmm)My day because it's seven years exactly since I moved to this godforsaken country.My day because it's seven years exactly since I started my first job in this godforsaken country.My day because it's two years exactly since I started my third job in this godforsaken country.My day because it would have been the day I started my fourth job in this godforsaken country, had I accepted it.My day because I drink beer from glasses bigger than my own head.My day because I clean the steamed up bathroom m
Mocked by nature 2008-03-31 13:19:00 Sometimes the irony of it all is just unmissable.Nature has started to take the piss out of me.We have a wee pond in our front garden, and from time to time we've noticed the occasional frog hopping and plopping about.Last Thursday evening, ET mentioned how the croaking from the pond had become really loud.Google soon informed me that this was the frog's mating call. Just f*@%ing brilliant.By Saturday we had literally dozens of froggy couples shagging their brains out in our garden. They sure can pick their moments can't they?Only feet away from the frog orgy, two other bug eyed creatures were in the midst of their own mating frenzy, huffing and puffing in the name of procreation.Granted, our mating call was somewhat less primal, "I'm ovulating, come on, drop 'em... " doesn't quite compar Read more:nature
Ignorance & Bliss 2008-04-04 11:10:00 With all that has lead up to this, the 11 failed cycles of trying to get knocked up and the utterly marvelous revelations that my sperm are couch potatoes, I've started to wonder about what results I really want to see from this semen analysis.Do I want another set of poor results?Will this really prompt the Dutch medical world into springing into action and working their magic and bringing an end to the great baby drought of 2007-08?This would obviously mean more tests, more procedures, and infinitely more waiting.Do I want great results?Do I want to see wonderful figures that would send women scurrying for safety with crossed legs for fear of falling pregnant by just being in the presence of such potency?This will obviously mean that there are other gremlins in our machinery, and therefo Read more:Bliss
Return of the sperm runner: This time it's personal 2008-04-03 11:05:00 I was prepared.I had everything timed to a tee: Alarm, packed for work, showered, shaved, and lab paperwork in order.Just fill this pot up with what must surely be a half litre of my finest saved up 'sample' was all I had to do, before hopping into the car and off to the hospital."Squirt".What?That's it?You have GOT to be taking the piss, it's less than the last bloody time!There I sat on the edge of the bathtub, shaking my (upper) head in disbelief, trying to screw the lid back on the pot, and strongly contemplating the possibility that testicles have an underdeveloped sense of humour completely independent from their owner.Where were the GALLONS I had most certainly saved up?Disheartened, I put the container (which looked more like I had sneezed in it rather than filled it with a well ti Read more:Return
Not bad for €10 an hour 2008-04-06 18:41:00 Well the Gods of irony must have had a few drinks upstairs last night with their buddies from the department of irritation, and decided amongst themselves to send another bolt of 'see how much he can take' in the general direction of my fat head.Try pushing the incidental stuff aside, you know, the repeated failure to impregnate, the confirmation that you've got the natural potency of the dodo, and many, many instances of increasingly irrational behavior etc etc etc.If you push all that aside, what else would you really NOT recommend a couple who are trying to conceive to do?Did I hear the skinny lady down the back with the bug eye say 'babysit' ?We have a winner.Yes, ET & myself have been asked to babysit for a few hours on Tuesday evening.Queue awkward silences, knowing glances, brus
Should I be worried... 2008-04-07 18:04:00 ...That I've totally gotten the date wrong for the first act of childcare we would have been involved in since we began trying distort my wife's body forever through conception?I was only a week out. That doesn't mean anything, does it?...."Spencer!!!, come back, you're not f*&^ing up to this!".....I'm not reading too much into this. Honest.
24,000,000,000 to 1 2008-04-10 10:42:00 24,000,000,000300,000,000350,45531026251252124,000,000,000This is the number of Spencer's buddies I calculate have been dispatched into active duty in the name of trying to conceive. That's twenty-four billion.300,000,000That is further number that have been sent out on research duty.350,455This is the number of milligrams of vitamin supplements I would have taken in order to help the cause, had I been taking all of them from day 1.310This is the number of days we have been actively trying, and failing, to conceive.26This is the length in days of cycles it now seems. 28 don't live here no more.25This is the number of siblings (& their children) I have. A fertile bunch eh? Another cup of irony soup anyone?12This is, as of today, the number of failed cycles. A bloody year.5The percentage
Rolling out the 'grote kannonen' 2008-04-12 09:51:00 Well campers, it's time to get all "shock n'awe" on yer asses. (I really can't pull off the American thing, can I?)It's time for rolling out the 'big guns'.Monday, having now officially gone into (cyclical) year two of trying to conceive, we speak with a reproductive specialist at the university hospital.It's a relief, an annoyance, a source of hope, and a source of anxiety all in one.We arranged the appointment some weeks back, so we have aleady had some literature through about the reproductive department ('Sectie Voortplanning')It's quite good, includes the basics, what the usual paths of action are, what checks and test are possible. All the stuff that makes an anal 'chillingly methodical' number cruncher like me (thanks Foreigner By Default ;0) ) relax a little bit.This brings me ba Read more:Rolling
"And here is the opening to your uterus" 2008-04-15 10:01:00 My ears burned red as she said the words, I couldn't move my head, so I just stared at my fingers.If I turned around I was going to get another eyeful of ET's pink bits winking cheekily at me, and if I looked upwards I was staring at the reflection of her uterine opening in the doctor's display case.What happened to being asked to step out of the room?I'm a fairly easy going sort of chap when it comes to such matters, but I don't need to, want to, nor have the ability to stomach having to, watch this Dutch lady use my wife as a glove puppet.One good thing about this impromptu internal examination during our first meeting with the reproductive specialist, was that she had a good look with an ultrasound, and took smashing pictures of my wife's ovaries, eggs and bladder.I was tempted to take
Arrival 2008-04-14 10:20:00 If anything is enough to make me have a 'zaadlozing' right here and now, it's just got to be this.Now go over there and tell them how spot on they were, while I write up something about seeing the reflection of my wife's uterus opening in a doctor's office cabinet window, and then come back here and tell me how bang on they were.I need a tissue.
Lack of adventures in babysitting 2008-04-16 11:00:00 So, last night was the big babysitting evening.I was cool, it had been a while, but I'd done this before. Many, many times.A bit of background.I come from a family of breeders. A group of people so f*&%ing fertile that pregnancy is the only successful form of contraception they know.Youngest of 8 brothers and sisters, I have 18 nieces and nephews. 13 of these I have looked after for extended periods over the years before I moved here.Incidentally, I have a cousin who had 8 (EIGHT) children under the age of 11. None of them multiple births. Brilliantly, this is not the funniest thing about this woman, let's just say she was a typical farmer's daughter, quite 'strongly built', and she chose to drive an old second hand beat up mini cooper who's driver door wouldn't open. To see her pull u
So, God IS a woman... 2008-04-17 12:01:00 ...and she's had me tied to the bed, wrists and ankles bound. She doesn't even crack a smile as she tosses aside the unopened tube of lubricant, and tightens the belt on her over sized strap-on. She steps closer...I woke up today a bigger idiot than normal. Why so? because I believed today was the day I would get the results from my second semen analysis.I was mistaken.Here in the world's best kept communist secret that is Holland, you must follow appointments, no wavering, no flexibility. I guess in a country the size of a Texan bathtub with a bigger population than Australia, you need some kind of order to avoid outright chaos. So I go along with it.At exactly 1pm, I called for my results. I dialed the GP's office number. 17 times.At 1:40 the phone is answered.After the customary beratin Read more:woman
Zinc or Swim? 2008-04-18 14:00:00 Maybe it was ET's imposing 5 foot nothing frame giving them grief at 8am, or my booming prepubescent voice at lunchtime that filled them with fear and sparked the frenzy of action, but something finally went our way today.At 5:20pm this afternoon, outside office hours, Ms trainee doctor rang to inform me that the missing semen analysis results had been magically located. I didn't ask where, when, how, or who, I just shrieked at her to give up some figures.Sperm count, volume, and morphology were all slightly down on the last time, but no great concern.The first time around the issue was motility, and it royally sucked. 22% in group A & 10% in group B was gonna be the cause of significant problems.It is also widely accepted that if your boys don't swim today, you can't make them swim to
Ellie 2008-04-21 14:32:00 Hello there,You don't really know me Ellie
but I know quite a bit about you. I've known your 'mother' ET for quite a long time, and we even had you and your sisters pointed out to us by a specialist last week.I hope you don't mind me saying, but you really are a pretty egg.I know this is a really old fashioned way of doing things, but sometimes the old traditions are best, you know?I'm aware that you have lots of guys hanging around, bugging you and trying to get into your good books, and I know that up until now, you've resisted their advances.You're an egg with high standards in morality and taste, always something to be admired.You see Ellie, I have a buddy, and he's taken quite a shine to you. He really is different to all those that you've met before for many reasons.He's been admi
Mother Nature & Uri Geller walk into a bar 2008-04-23 11:16:00 You may or may not have noticed, but I tend to be somewhat preoccupied by one particular subject. As much as it disturbs me that I may be boring you, this is all just for me and my sanity now, so we are just going to continue along the same vein of tedium.It struck me, as it does every bloody four weeks, that right now, really fascinating stuff is happening inside our bodies.OK, not so much in mine per say, unless you count the digestion of half a dozen frozen sausages along with amounts of zinc so abnormally high that my neighbours should be wearing haz-mats, but rather, in the bodies of 'the ladies'.Right this minute, in ET for example, there are wee spermies lying in wait for that cocky egg to descend, today, tomorrow, or maybe the day after.They will attempt to pounce on her and nibble
Ovulation Observations 2008-04-24 15:53:00 Just a brief mention for these ovulation prediction kits, or OPKs as they are known in the acronym rich world of TTC.These are expensive little buggers, aren't they?€32 for a package of 7 from our local friendly communist chemist. When you factor in mass panic, widespread insanity, a little stupidity, and not to mention being in the 13th cycle, that adds up to a whole lot of cash spent on a non-existent kid and no small amount of piss covered plastic.Buying in bulk online would be admitting horrible things that should never be spoken. So that's what we've just done.I also really want to meet the designers of these bloody things, what smart arse decided it was a good idea to have a 'smiley face' appear on them with a positive test?Considering the positive result means you end up having
An immaculate conception? 2008-04-27 05:45:00 It's Sunday and I feel like having a moan simply because we have now entered the luteal phase, more commonly referred to as the 'there is sod all you can do now, so sit quiet and squirm rat boy' phase.This is cycle 13, making us 'officially' infertile, as opposed to the 'don't be such a drama queen with a willy' type infertility I've been rattling on about for the past year.I am confident that things will work, but the prospect is ever larger that we need assistance.On selfish reflection this is a slightly saddening thought, but honestly I don't have any huge issues with this. On the other hand, my 'spiritual leader' does.In early March the Vatican listed a new and improved, better than your current leading brand, set of seven deadly sins by adding seven modern mortal sins.This list inclu
Allez Les Bleus! 2008-04-29 13:00:00 Tomorrow we set sail. OK, not quite, but we do drive a ford focus.Actually, I drive a ford focus.All the way to France.Yes, situated in the beautiful rolling landscape of the Ardennes, in the Champagne region, is a secluded farm house that will be our serene home for the next 3 days, unfortunately in the company of 6 other infirm buggers.As if Sunday's revelation that we may be headed straight for the great tandoori oven in the cellar wasn't bloody bad enough.You win some, you lose some.Yes, brain, you are off limits for the next few days thanks to the wonderful invention that goes by the name of 'a national holiday'.Queen's day, or 'Koninginnedag' to give it it's correct asphyxiating title.ET had her blood tests today for various hormone levels and the usual prerequisite stuff so all that
Forgetting 2008-05-03 18:30:00 Maybe it was all the driving,Traffic jams to get OUT of Holland on their national holiday are just ironic enough to make them bearableMaybe it was the fresh air.The countryside smells of animal excrement, unlike Amsterdam which smells of human urine.Maybe it was the secluded surroundings.In other words, the nearest human was 15 miles away.Maybe it was the fun company.Irish, Welsh, American, English and Spanish, making it like some sort of AA rejects meets United Nations gathering.Maybe it was my brain rejecting attempts at digging up the remains of my secondary level French to spit at the locals.Saying it in Dutch, but with a French accent does NOT make it correct or help matters in any way.Maybe it was the hideously inexpensive yet delicious and plentiful wine and champagne.Christ my hea
Unlucky for some 2008-05-05 14:33:00 We are now very, very close to the end of this cycle.So close I can smell the blood.Number 13.This is the last 'end of cycle' before we go back to the specialist in three weeks.We have really done everything right this time, angles, gravity, trajectory, all faultless, and with Spencer back in the game we were very, very hopeful.One thing came to our attention though, Ellie makes quite a relatively late appearance.Her tardiness means that there seems to be around 9-11 days before the start of the next cycle as opposed to the ideal 12-16.This (luteal phase) is considered, like myself, to be too bloody short.If this is the case, we are not too worried, it's identifying another issue which can be solved with supplements and/or hormones to boost the levels of progesterone, vital to make the pr
Recommend Site To A Friend
