3am Theater
1970-01-01 00:59:59
my husband and i have been talking about children for years. my take on it is this: i want a baby, now. but realistically (i.e. financially) we need to wait a little while longer before we can start trying. we've been discussing it quite frequently these days, as my mind is telling me that i'm ready. very ready. more-than-ready. my anxiety, again, is filtering into my sleep, and i've started having those dreams, again.last night's Dream Cinema Drama: i was very pregnant, we were very happy, i delivered, we were very happy. my husband took the baby away with the comment "Why would you think you'd keep this one?". ouch.the dreams are cyclical, like my unconscious mind's version of seasonal depression.
Response to Amy
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Amy asks: What do you think about adoptive parents who are of a different faith than birthparents? For example, my husband and I are Christians but our baby's birthparents may not be. They will know we are, though, because we've used a Christian agency.another good question. religion is such a personal issue. i'm sure it varies on a case by case basis. for some it may be a "non-issue", but i was particularly picky and went through an agency not affiliated with any faith. i know some a woman who chose the family out of a "pool" of same-faith prospective parents because it was very important to her that her child was raised in the church as she was.only knowing my process of picking Betty and Barney, maybe someone else could chime in here with their experience?
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And the last question...
1970-01-01 00:59:59
is from Marnie, who is blog-less, but writes lovely emails:how much is too much? There are things I would like to share with our (son's) birthmother, but am uncertain if it would cause pain or be welcomed. For instance, we just had a party to celebrate his legal adoption, and I had all our family members at the party (grandparents, aunts, uncles, me and my husband) hold B (our son) and talk about what his coming into this family meant to them. It is very emotional and warm and wonderful from our perspective, and in some sense I think (?) it would be reassuring to watch from a first parent prospective, but would that be a good thing for you to see?I do share pretty regularly average everyday stuff about B- new tooth, standing in crib. I know the easy answer would be to ask his first mom, but she is young and tends to answer in the affirmative I think whether she feels that way or not. i've thought about this over and over and over, which is one of the reasons why its taken m
Monday Mailbag
1970-01-01 00:59:59
i received an email from a prospective adoptive parent yesterday, asking me to link to their YouTube adoption profile video for exposure, positive or negative. i am uncomfortable linking to the video or blog for a variety of reasons.i've been reading their blog off and on (mostly off in the past 6 mos or so) for about a year, and when i revisited the blog yesterday...nothing has changed. if i were in the position to have to decide all over again, i would run from this couple.1) in the video, they go on about their infertility issues, money spent, time waiting. you know what? i remember clearly what i was thinking while perusing prospective profiles & videos. i had my own problems to handle. i didn't need to think about the issues that the "waiting families" were having, let alone when i actually chose Betty & Barney.2) i have had a hard time finding them sincere, real, thoughtful outside of their desire to be parents. adoption, as most of us know, is not a "sure thing". the vari
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the letter
1970-01-01 00:59:59
as my emails have gone unanswered by Betty, and i've been unable to get even voicemail at her office, i'm in letter writing mode.the letter is as short as the emails, simply asking for current information on the Kiddo.round 3 of waiting begins on Saturday if mailed today.
Response to M
1970-01-01 00:59:59
M wrote: if you had your way, what would your relationship look like with the Kiddos' adoptive family? And along those lines but more generally: what are some of the most important things you think any adoptive parent in an open adoption should do to make the trains run on time?good questions, M.as far as my relationship with the Kiddo's family in my perfect world? a bit more contact, more frequent updates. i've always wished Betty would tell me something about the Kiddo out of the blue, just because she'd think i would want to know. something, anything. because we started out so "strong", i had assumed it would continue. i've never wanted 6 visits a year, or special holiday time. a visit once a year on neutral ground. some "alone time" with the Kiddo, even if its in "eye-shot". and i wish i could see or talk to him on or near his birthday. i wish they would have allowed me to send presents.regarding part 2: be consistant and honest from the beginning. like any relationship, it ta
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uninspired
1970-01-01 00:59:59
i really don't have much to say. nothing is moving in any direction.so i'll toss this out there: if you have any questions regarding adoption, being a birth/first mother, whatever, leave them in comments or email 'em to me. i'll do my best to answer in subsequent posts.thanks.
Fear is a Powerful Agent
1970-01-01 00:59:59
i don't see myself as frightening, scary, or a wreaker of havoc. when i'm alone in my head surrounded by my neurosis and the neurons are firing at a most uneven pace, i'm hardly "one to not be reckoned with". i'm just a woman with some awfully heavy bags who could use some help carrying them once in awhile.i have a difficult time understanding (potential) adoptive parents who fear, in some way or other, birthparents. in some instances, its probably with good reason, just because we're all human. there are several individuals that i, maybe not fear, but am leery to be in a relationship of any kind. at the end of the day, though, they're just people.negative word of mouth travels three times as fast as positive. case in point: i could never handle domestic adoption because my sister's boyfriend's cousin's babysitter's friend tried that and ______________ ". you can conjure any negative outcome; we've all heard, read, lived enough. there are relationships between adoptive paren
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it's oh so quiet
1970-01-01 00:59:59
well, i am this week. either i've come to a place of acceptance for the moment, or maybe just numb. there's 4 posts in my draft bin, but they don't seem appropriate. muddled. false.i make the blog rounds and read, feel joy, empathize with sorrow. maybe learn something along the way. i just don't have anything to give at the moment. even the harpies in the corner have grown silent. it feels different. i'm not crying in my coffee, or stamping my feet and wailing about (wo)man's inhumanity to (wo)man. or obsessing for the xth time what i could have done wrong. purgatory adoption: not for the faint hearted.
the F word
1970-01-01 00:59:59
is Fear.i am, and always have been, afraid of the Kiddo. its an odd statement to make, even more to actually write. how can one be terrified of their own?maybe its because i never see myself as a mother. i bottle fed him once in the hospital, changed his diaper once because the nurse insisted (although i cried the whole time) and held him periodically. i'm not going to get caught up in semantics, but even at this stage, i'm reluctant to say "my son".maybe its because as he's gotten older, i never have been sure of what to subjects to talk about at visits. or if he's interested in seeing me. i've always let him direct the conversation and followed with my heart pumping 1000 beats per minute. i don't have much experience with children, and just often feel uncomfortable in general.and maybe i'm fearful of the day when i have to explain. "open" adoption or not, there's going to be some explaining to do. his parents don't know everything about "our" story. there's no way that they
safety in numbers
1970-01-01 00:59:59
what the agency didn't tell me is how damn lonely it would be. maybe one can't project those things.for the first couple of years, i went to the birthmother support group hosted by the agency. that was great. for two hours, once a month, i could let out all of the emotions i'd been holding in for the past 4 weeks: shame, grief, sadness, a good story after a vist, new pictures. it worked. i had face to face contact with other women, immediate feedback with others who knew. we gathered strength and support from each other. we laughed, cried and sometimes raged, together. after almost 4 years, i moved from the area.i've belonged to a few forums and online groups since, but i can't quite get into them. sometimes they become too large, or i become frustrated or personal agendas get in the way of actual support. maybe i'm just not a good "joiner".so i started to blog. i knew i couldn't be the only one who felt this way. and even though i've met some amazing women as a result
Season Nine
1970-01-01 00:59:59
This is the true story of four strangers, picked to have a relationship. Find out what happens when people stop being polite, and start being real. Real World: Open Adoption. now that i've gotten my pop culture need sated... (and yes, i realize that it really doesn't pan out that way, as B & B obviously weren't strangers to each other)i've been having some surreal moments in the past few weeks. for instance, i have framed picture of the Kiddo on my desk at work. when i look at him, and see the Mini-Me so obvious in appearance, i think "who are you? was it really 9 years ago that i was working with the agency to find parents for you?" have 9 years passed so quickly?i look at my physical self: stretch marks that have faded to silvery spiderwebs cross-hatched on my stomach, a weight that i can acknowledge as mine and not "post baby bulk", the tattoos i've gotten in the past few years. there are times when it feels like it never happened, where i'm so far removed that he's just
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the world shifts on its axis
1970-01-01 00:59:59
she replied to my letter the day she received it. in part:The Kiddo is happily reading the HOBBITT in school, playing soccer, and devouring every CALVIN AND HOBBES comic book he can find. C&H was a favorite of mine in graduate school and he found some old copies around the house this summer. He and Kiddo #2 seem to be more bonded than ever--but they can still mix it up pretty intensely when things take a bad turn.We would like to plan a visit with you when we have got our acts together (which we pretty much do as of this writing) and when you have a little time off (which I imagine is coming soon with the end of the tourist season?) Please let us know. (The Kiddo has specifically asked about when we might see you again, so this is not just coming from me and Barney, although we would like very much to see you too). i'm supposing she received my emails as well, as she mentions further in the note that my letter served as a gentle reminder to get on the stick. overall, it was a warm
Miss World
1970-01-01 00:59:59
one of the items Betty mentioned in the confirmation email is that Kiddos #2 & 3 are very interested in babies, adoption, birthmothers and "people in general", and that i should be prepared for questions from them that they can't ask their own "special person". i am not combative by nature, but my initial emotional surge when reading that was "i'm not the one who chose 'closed' for the subsequent two kiddos". and i'm not the Super Spokesmodel Birthmother, nor do i want that title (but i'll happily take a tiara. who doesn't love a tiara now and then?). since The Kiddo and i haven't talked about adoption, other than his declaration around age two that he "grew in my belly", i'm cautious about answering anything in front of him. and in front of Betty and Barney. i've been working out answers to possible queries in my head all week.i'm also plagued by the gift factor. although i don't send gifts, the last time i saw them (June 04), i bought a present for The Kiddo, and sm
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5
1970-01-01 00:59:59
days away, and i still haven't heard confirmation as to our visit.i've heard nothing.i don't know what to expect.fa-la-la-la-la limbo, part 4,327.i'm anxious, hence this post. sorry about the whine factor.edited to add at 230pm: i did receive an email this morning, weirdly enough, confirming plans. my anxiety level, however, has not decreased. i'll be the one with the frozen look and a fistful of tums.
Mel Brooks
1970-01-01 00:59:59
i bought presents for all three kids. there's just no easy way around it. there really hasn't ever been any "alone time" before, so i don't expect it on Saturday. and i can't, in good conscience, arrive with a gift for the Kiddo and nothing for the other two.my anxiety, coupled with a raging case of PMS & work stress, is at maximum capacity.next posting won't be until after the visit. thanks for your well wishes & thoughts. they're much appreciated.
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he tells me a joke
1970-01-01 00:59:59
and it goes a like this:him: Barbara, i'm going to tell you a joke i made up, okay?me: okayhim: it's an okay joke. (he shrugs)him: why did Spiderman climb to the top of the library?me: i dunno, why?him: because he wanted to get to the top story.him: get it? top story? top story!The Kiddo is a supergenius.in a few days, i'll have a real post up. decompression & sorting first and foremost.
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The Great Dorito Analogy
1970-01-01 00:59:59
last week, in his ever-present quest to understand my take on open adoption, my husband put it like this:it's like when i had my jaw wired shut in high school, isn't it?i could hold the dorito, turn it over in my hands, smell it, and maybe get a tiny piece of it wedged between my side teeth so that it could dissolve in my mouth. but it was never really satisfying. i could never get the full flavor of the chip, or the crunch i'd anticipate. it just turned to mush, until i could swallow it. i couldn't wait until the wires were taken off, when my jaw had healed, and i could finally enjoy food again. having my meals put into a blender for months was lousy and frustrating. does that make sense?weirdly enough, it does.
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, Analogy
Blitz(en)
1970-01-01 00:59:59
we had friends over for non traditional 4th Thursday in November. our own little family. no stress, no fanfare, no hoo-ha. one of my friends asked me if my adoption related issues kicked into higher gear during holidays.not so much. although i was pregnant during fall & winter holidays, i don't have any special warm & fuzzy moments that i refer back to annually.it was right around thanksgiving that i picked Betty & Barney. it was the day after thanksgiving that the birthfather mumbled something about "giving the baby to his cousin in california who can't have kids 'cuz then the baby will be in the family. you know." commence ear-splitting shrieking on my part.do i miss the Kiddo more at holidays? no. since there's never been any special holiday "thing", i don't hold anything lost or missing. i don't think about christmas eve, or christmas morning, or new pajamas, or big yellow trucks, or the smell of cookies or the sound of little-boy laughter.i lied. i think about
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Reservations
1970-01-01 00:59:59
i've got all kinds--personal, hotel & those-i-can't-quite-put-my-finger-on. pick a number, any number. luck be a lady tonight. i'm putting my money on red.the easiest one is the hotel. booked for the night of december 1st, due in large part to a friend with connections. swanky. having worked in a high-falutin' hotel for a few years, i'm looking forward to being a Guest.my personal reservations: i haven't gotten concrete confirmation from Betty as to our plans. she tossed up the date, i accepted. i'm still wary of the "busy" factor. or that "something will come up". i did email her with where we'll be staying (and yes, i mentioned the fact that Chris would be joining me and that i hoped it wouldn't be a problem) to try to firm things up a bit.overall, i'm uneasy.
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are you there god? it's me, barbara.
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Dawn asks: How did your understanding of God impact your feelings around adoption? How did your feelings around adoption impact your understanding of God? not at all.i'm not sure what i think about God, or a god, or gods or goddesses. i was raised Lutheran. church & sunday school regularly until i was about 14. and then i stopped going, because like so many other people i started thinking....if God is so loving and wonderful, why so many horrors in the world? my mother still attends every sunday, and i respect it: protestant, catholic, buddhist, jewish, hindu, islam...whatever the flavor may be.i believe in myself. maybe that's narcissistic, but the way i look at it is this: i make choices. i'm responsible for those choices, right or wrong. i don't believe in fate and/or destiny. but i do believe in timing, good and bad. i got pregnant (not an immaculate conception, although i almost wish it had been), i chose adoption. i chose B & B because they were "in the books". not exactl
941 Decatur St.
1970-01-01 00:59:59
when the Kiddo was about a week shy of turning a month old, i headed to New Orleans for relaxing, regrouping and a mental health evaluation from my oldest sister. i can't remember when it was decided i would go, but the trip did me right. it was really difficult to sit at home day after day those first weeks, replaying the past 4 months on constant loop in my head, while making repeated phone calls to my insurance carrier regarding the delay on my short term disability funds.i spent that week in the City of Sin drinking coffee by the gallon, walking around the French Quarter where i had lived very briefly some 5 years prior, and writing. with the events so fresh, and being removed from the immediate geography, i filled 2 steno tablets with caffeine fueled ramblings about my relationship with the birthfather, pregnancy, birth, open adoption and what i was going to do next. i'm thankful to have this written snapshot from my viewpoint, before time and further experiences skewed it. its
Repeat
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Nina asked about the loops, and Jayne mentions it as well today.the loops, the tapes, the internal nay-sayer, the Mub who blocks out the sunshine when you're not looking. everybody's got them, no? right now, mine are all vying to be heard the loudest and clearest. mini maniacal mantras that keep me awake at night.for me it happens more frequently, although not currently, when i'm trying to process a life altering event: a case of sexual abuse, the westward quest which inevitably ended in the Kiddo's adoption, leaving my first husband. the more i try to make it all "right" in my head, the noisier it becomes.adoption-wise, they sound a little like this: youdidthebestthingbestthingbestthing. youknewyouweren'treadytobeaparent. youdidn'tdeservehim. maybe its my subconscious trying to make it all more palatable. have a field day, computer chair - psychologists that we all are. heh.but that's why i blog: trying to find a way to make it the toughest (and weirdest) decision of my life a
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Tectonic Plates
1970-01-01 00:59:59
...and there's the potential for a visit the first Saturday in December.this visit, if it comes to fruition, will be different from the others. i've always gone alone. i've always thought of it as "my time", but its never really "my time". and they've never said "if you want to bring someone...". i'm not waiting for that invitation anymore. i can't do this alone right now.calling for backup.i sat down with my husband yesterday afternoon and told him of the possible date. and then i said, "if you don't want to, i completely understand, but would you come with?" he agreed immediately, as he's always wanted to see the Kiddo in person. (he did see me about 5 or 6 months pregnant, when i was still waiting for the birthfather) this time, more so than the others, i need someone on my side. Betty & Barney have each other, and the kids. their family. and this time, i need my family.so. those of you in a certain metro locale, if you're going to be around on Friday, December 1st, dro
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Screensaver
1970-01-01 00:59:59
it's now a time when i'm thinking "what's the desired result?" what is it that i truly want? what's truly best for the Kiddo? perhaps i've been after something the whole time that is really just a mirage: a feathery, new agey zen den of self awareness in the consequences of my own actions. and you know what? it doesn't exist.this blog will be taking a hiatus. maybe for a week, maybe for a month. think of it as time off for some kind of behavior. i have some things i need to figure out. i'll be back, don't you worry. thanks for reading.
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Party Favors
1970-01-01 00:59:59
"i heard about Kelly's baby shower from your grandmother", my mother said to me on Friday night.i said nothing, and continued to butter the bread for the finger sandwiches."Kelly came home for the shower, and went right back to Europe!" she exclaimed, shaking her head. my cousin Kelly is stationed somewhere in Europe in the Service."Her mother offered to come to Europe in a month, when the baby is due, because Kelly knows nothing about caring for a baby. But she sure knew enough to get pregnant, now didn't she?" A derisive snicker escaped my mother.i stared at my mother, holding a half buttered piece of rye. i stared at her directly, not saying a word, until she dropped her eyes and switched from egg to tuna salad.
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, Party Favors
How the Stars Got Crossed
1970-01-01 00:59:59
around this time last year, this blog was in "full steam ahead" mode. then I freaked out a bit, and shut it down. while trying to navigate my way through some weird emotional turbulence, i started scouring Kateri's blog to try to make some sense of Birthmotherhood. there was something familiar in her writing: her emotions similar to mine, and i could relate to her more than most of the other blogging birthmothers. she was a mystical, mythical blogger to me. a Cool Girl.i discovered shortly thereafter that we placed through the same agency, although different branches, just 6 weeks apart. how odd and how wonderful at the same time. when i met her for the first time in June, i felt i had found a true compadre. we had been through the same rigamarole, read & filled out the same paperwork, looked at the same profiles, viewed some of the same videos. i felt so relieved that i wasn't the only one! up until that point, i had felt rather isolated in daily life regarding adoption. sometimes v
Puncture Repair
1970-01-01 00:59:59
i've been having a lot of self-directed "jesusgod you're an idiot" moments in the past few weeks. a lot of that has to do with the drawing close of another year. i've been reflecting on choices i've made in all facets of my life, not just adoption.part of me feels like i should be further along in some sort of healing process. but that would be someone else's idea of progress, not mine. i know that there are people in my life who want me to just get over it already. i wish it were that simple.and i've been picking at the Anger Sore. toxic, festering and occasionally stinky, and often overlooked. being angry is something i'm lousy with, because i often feel guilty about being angry, whether i have a right to those feelings or not. and then i turn it all on myself, so that i'm not hurting anyone but me. but the bottom line remains: i'm angry. i should be smarter at this stage. i should (have) be (been) able to see things coming. again, in all areas of my life. and t
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Yule Log
1970-01-01 00:59:59
i always thought that by age 33, i'd have kids at christmas. always planned on having two kids, preferrably by the time i was 30.i don't recall having compounded misery during the holidays since placement. i've long since had a distaste for christmas, until about two days before, when i suddenly can tolerate seasonal songs and catch a whiff of holiday cheer. perhaps i'm jaded by working in the service industry for over 15 years.i don't really think about footed pajamas, or leaving cookies for santa and carrots for the reindeer, or trying to assemble some godforsaken toy, or realizing i don't have D batteries for some electronic, or wide eyed mornings, or trimming the tree. or do i?best wishes for you and your family this holiday season. peace for us all.
Prognosis: Good
1970-01-01 00:59:59
i've been having an email conversation with a fellow blogger, which ties into a phone conversation i've had in the past month with another blogger. the results of these two exchanges have led me to this conclusion:there is nothing inherently wrong with me.for years, since the dawn of my choosing the adoption tine, i have said that The Kiddo deserved better than me. what the hell does that mean, really? other than the obviously holy-low-self-esteem-batman. was there anyone better than me for The Kiddo? i was his mother.i don't want to get into the semantics of "is/was his mother". this isn't about regret. what i'm talking about is the self inflicted mantra, the chant, the OM to make it rational and palatable at our own expense. shooting up prayers to the Deity of Adoption, repeating my Personal Affirmations, which really weren't affirmations at all, as that would constitute positivity. i have no glaring malfunction, no neon blinking "NOT GOOD ENOUGH" sign with arrow over
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