validation
2007-11-01 18:09:00
i wander through daily life wondering if i'm crazy-batshit-nuts when it comes to adoption. there's nobody in my immediate physical vicinity that's on a first hand basis with the subject. until yesterday, i forgot how isolated i can become.can i get an "Amen" for Alexander Graham Bell?so much can get lost in writing. its not always "fast" enough, immediate. carefully selecting the right words. and i forget that i need, occasionally, to talk. to share ideas, stories, laughter and the occasional snuffling. the camaraderie that does occur between birth/first/yourchoice moms, even if the situations are different, is amazing. the baseline is the same.its been said before, by so many people, in reference to vast and varied experiences - there is no manual, no guide. no "what to expect after you've been expecting and placed". and i appreciate, greatly, the women i've spoken with, corresponded with and met through blogging. without you, i'd be a puddle on the floor.i'm not cra
permanent wave
2007-11-05 03:33:00
imagine being unexpectedly pregnant. imagine working up the courage to call an adoption agency. imagine the overwhelming feelings of the first appointment at said agency. imagine discovering how many families in the pool from which to "choose" to parent your unborn Kiddo. and then, imagine trying to discern how much openness you desire.how can a person (expectant mom, prospective adoptive parents) make a sound, lifelong commitment about openness without a personal frame of reference? i knew what was "normal" by the agency's standards. but were those "guidelines" appropriate for me? i had no idea. i'd never had a baby, placed a baby. were pictures every three months for the first year, once a year around the birthday after that first year enough? was a potential visit annually at the agency function adequate? this was fairly "normal".do you make a lifelong commitment after two lunch dates and paperwork? i couldn't choose an appropriate haircut while pregnant.and yet i did make choice
Read more: permanent
small town blues, 2nd & 3rd verses
2007-11-12 12:30:00
sometimes adoption comes up in conversation out of nowhere. today was one of those days.standing outside of work this morning, savoring the last dregs of then-cold coffee, smoking that "i'm feeling damn accomplished" cigarette, and the manager of a shop on the next block walked past me. we talked briefly of "the holiday season", the serious renovation bearing down on the pedestrian mall, and ending with my tale of paying heed to the siren song of P!er One yesterday. she asked me if Chris and i had kids. when i perkily responded in the negatory, she asked "how old are you?". so i told her (uh, almost 35)."well, you still have options. you could always adopt. i always wanted to do that."my smile tightened and i nodded my head. "you're absolutely right, i have options".we wished each other a happy and stress-less week and parted company.__________________________on my way home from work today, i noticed one of my favorite seasonal shops was open. so i stopped in to see the owne
Read more: verses
Conversations at the Cocoon
2007-12-09 08:00:00
i've tried to write the post a handful of times in the past few weeks, and come up miserably lacking each time. the long & short of it: Chris and I are seriously trying to conceive.its brought up some odd feelings.when we first decided that yes, we can do this, i cried. hard. much to the befuddlement of my husband. part relief: i've been avoiding pregnancy like the plague since the Kiddo was born. part happiness: will i finally get to be a mom?! part fear: what if the imaginary mama-police arrive and deem me unworthy? part apprehension: what if we can't conceive?my mind whispered "redemption".not that i expect that having a baby will negate the somewhat troublesome feelings i have about adoption. believe me, i've been reading blogs for two years now of my fellow firstmoms who have parented after placing. new & different emotions & thoughts are sure to arise.i've been pushing down my typical "adoption issues around the holidays", and just choosing to not give them space
Read more: Cocoon
what's mine is mine
2007-12-22 07:34:00
what i didn't realize ten years ago, at 7 months pregnant with the Kiddo, was that i was making a life-defining decision. a character-altering choice. there just wasn't a situation in my life with which to compare. for the first time in my 25 years, i was making a decision that was tangibly affecting the course of several lives. i didn't understand, ten years ago, that this decision would inhabit the core of my heart. that what was lauded as "the right thing to do", "selfless", "loving" was equal parts selfishness on my behalf, uncertainty in my own capabilities & fear. and that i would continue to feel those emotions in spades, magnified by the fact that i endlessly make poor decisions. in short, my distress is all about me. not about you.my decision. my guilt. my loss. my responsibility. my resolution.doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Crosstown Traffic
2008-03-06 13:25:00
i've had a few posts floating around in my head for about a week. when i was just about ready to put fingers to keyboard, my incoming traffic went berserk and i became a smidge unnerved.many people arrive here unwittingly by searching for the combination of "Cigs & Coffee" or by a title of an entry. pretty standard.it was brought to my attention that Adoptive Families magazine printed my URL in this month's issue. so if you're stopping by from that arena... welcome. (and if anyone can scan that in for me and send it thisaway, i'd greatly appreciate it!)but i want to direct you to this post on the Birthparents section of AdoptionBlogs for an excellent piece on birth/first parent grief. it resonated with me, and maybe it will with you.
Decade
2008-02-18 02:16:00
Hey Kiddo, Happy Birthday. May 'ten' bring you happiness, laughter and one-upping your siblings on having double digits.
four fried chickens & a coke...& some dry white toast
2008-02-13 03:44:00
my sympathetic midwife sent me to the hospital on 2.14.98. that was the due date i'd been given, my blood pressure was dangerously high and i was clearly miserable. i beeped my girlfriend K who was my labor coach and called Trusted Ally.we three arrived at the hospital around dinner time. i was hooked up to all of the monitors and we waited. i kept my thoughts on the fact that it would all be over soon, trying to keep the fear at bay. and we waited.hospital staffers came and went. checked readings, checked fluids, checked me, checkmate. and we waited.around 11pm, they sent me home. i wasn't going anywhere on my own, and the hospital was too busy with other maternity patients. "bedrest" i was commanded.i sobbed in K's car on the way home. she came into my apartment and surveyed the small sp
Laissez les bons temps rouler!
2008-02-05 05:53:00
i spent the Kiddo's first birthday in New Orleans, doing Mardi Gras. my mother called ahead to my sister to remind her, just in case i became "emotional". heaven forbid.the ten days i was there are a blur of liquor, parades, hanging with a strung-out childhood friend who had recently moved to NOLA, and chasing my personal ghosts around the French Quarter. while my sister served locals their Eggs Benedict at an Uptown cafe, i wandered around the familiar streets where i had played several years prior. i remember clearly missing her, my younger self.on The Kiddo's actual birthday, my sister worked a double, and i was left to my own devices. i read, watched movies, smoked a lot. i wasn't sure what i was supposed to be feeling, but i felt next to nothing. this birthday thing that i had
stand off
2008-01-17 07:08:00
its a month outside of the Kiddo's tenth birthday. in years past, i've been a continual whirling dervish of mess. this year, however, i've been keeping myself overly occupied to keep the emotions at bay. between work, which has been ridiculously busy, and side projects at home, i haven't let myself go "adoption tharn".although yesterday i caught myself getting momentarily damp about the eyes when an internet buddy bestowed a gift upon me on a certain social networking site: a certain hamburger phone from a certain popular film. i can't remember if he "knows" or not, but it wasn't a dig at me personally. just a "thinking of you" gift, no doubt.i'm determined to not be the one left holding the Big Bag of Sad this winter.
Conversations at the Cocoon, II
2008-01-08 15:19:00
in our course of talking about things randomly yesterday afternoon, Chris said to me "are we going to watch that Juno movie?" i laughed. i laughed because he's such a good sport, really. i wouldn't have brought it up myself, but it amuses/warms me that he's attuned to me in that way.i know how the movie ends. i've read enough spoilers, reviews and critiques. and yet somehow i'm compelled to want to see it. i have to see for myself what all the fuss is about. unfortunately, i live at the end of the world, and it probably won't run in a theater here. so i'll just wait until its released on DVD.
Read more: Cocoon
Mulder, Scully & Me
2007-12-30 09:50:00
because of our close, personal relationship with Netfl!x, we've been watching the X-Files from the beginning. i believe we started this quest in June, and have just a few episodes to finish it out in Season Nine. and while i'll kind of "miss" my weekly visits from the basement of the FBI, i'm almost relieved.i sobbed my way through a good part of Season Seven and Chris made an interesting observation: so many of these episodes deal in loss. lost kids, loss of kids, terrible things happening to kids.last night, we settled in to watch the last episode (#198) on our most recent disc. as usual, it had the opening where you discover the subject matter of the episode. edited to add: i forgot to give credit to IMDB for the script quote. my bad.Mr Van de Kamp: Easy there, hon. You're cleaning so
Read more: Mulder
an excuse to write
2008-03-18 04:56:00
reading my bloglines subs this morning, and a new post from Coming Clean; Confessions of a Secret Birthmom dealing with some communication with the Adoptive Mom."She wants me to go away. I can see that now, I can only imagine what M thinks."this is the absolute, most awful, feeling in the world. i've been carrying it around for over a year. "And right now I want to go away. And never ever have to deal with this again. Because my response right now is "I'm sorry I ever bothered you , goodbye." "oh fellow blogger, i hear you.the thing is, we'll never go away. even if the contact ceases, we're still there. in our children's smiles, aptitudes, & laughter. in the end, a reissued birth certificate can't erase the little souls we carried, birthed & placed with the best intentions. pi
on the nose
2008-03-27 12:28:00
once again, i'm going to have to direct you to Brown, and her latest post --- which is primarily what's been going on in my head.
salvation
2008-03-31 16:41:00
yesterday we took a hike through one of our favorite spots. we've been going there, separately and together, since we were teenagers. you can take the main path down through the sand, about 1/4 mile, to the largely-unknown-to-the-public beach. or you can take one of the lesser paths. through forest & overgrowth, over fields, down beyond the "dune forest", you can also come out to the ocean, a mile or two south. we took the "scenic" route.we parted ways for awhile once we reached the shoreline. he was in seaglass-finding zen mode and i had my camera, full of energy. i raised my arms above my head, spinning in the sand, feeling the wind whisk through the few light layers of shirts beneath my pullover.and in a moment it was gone. there was nothing but me, the beach, the sa
meet my friend, Panic Attack
2008-04-09 15:33:00
i've been dealing with panic attacks for almost 20 years. in fact, they were so bad when i was in college that i spent some time "away", trying to get a grip on my life.they've been rearing their heart palpitating, nausea inducing, stomach churning, mind-muddling evil little selves again. it started around the Kiddo's birthday, and what i call "the mailbox stakeout". i stalked the mail carrier daily, my ears straining for the sound of the postal truck, for about a month. then i gave up on the waiting.but the attacks haven't stopped. in fact, they've increased. i'll try to talk myself down from them when i start to feel the rumble, my face blazing and heart hammering out an erratic Morse Code. but no matter how many times i convince myself that i will not a) throw up on my sho
Read more: friend
, Panic
, Panic Attack
two cents
2008-04-19 15:19:00
*spoilers, whatever*i watched "Juno" this afternoon, hunched over the laptop while Chris took a nap.i didn't hate it. if anything, i'm pretty ambivalent. it didn't strike any response from me until the last ten minutes of the movie, when i predictably started to get a little moist about the eyes. once i got over the uberhip language, i really paid attention. i didn't see it as all sunshine & happiness. i felt for Juno. for a smart-mouthed, brainy, pop culture junkie, the story seemed to be about a real loss of innocence.i wrote in a a few years ago about how placing was a real loss of innocence. a part of me changed irreversibly. my steps were heavier. i looked at my life in a different way. i just brought a life, a person, into the world. me. i couldn't go back
stream
2008-04-26 03:52:00
the pictures don't come and i wait and wait and wait by the mailbox week after week.and i pretend it doesn't matter. and i go about my days, drinking coffee, working, taking photographs, paying bills, killing time. i laugh with my friends, take drives up and down the coast, not thinking about the Kiddo. lying.i wonder how he's grown, how he's changed, how he's doing in school, if he's playing ball this year. and when i think about it too hard i hear whispers about my selfishness echoing in my head. key phrases on repeat. and i drink more coffee and smoke more cigarettes and look at old pictures, one in particular where its he and i and we're smiling at each other. and people ask and i am cavalier and i smile and toss my head, shrug my shoulders and pretend. my stomach folds in on it
Second Sunday in May
2008-05-11 05:15:00
this year, i don't care so much about Mother's Day. or maybe i do, and i'm just so irritated and pretending i don't care.it's not like it is acknowledged between Betty and i. the first Mother's Day, when the Kiddo was about 3 months old, i think i sent her a card and received one in return. there might have even been a tiny framed picture from her involved. i might have done something the
Read more: Second
, Sunday
step into the light
2008-06-02 15:48:00
i think my time as an active blogger is drawing to a slow close. nothing changes in my situation and i've run out of stories to tell. i only have wild speculation and a headful of anxiety. words (verbal & written) aren't coming easily, and i've been spending most of my free time behind my camera.i'm not giving up the ghost, and no posts will be removed. just taking an extended break un
Read more: light
grasshopper
2008-06-13 06:00:00
my paternal grandfather died late last week after a long debilitating illness. his funeral services were Monday evening. i've not been close with that branch of my family for a number of years, for a host of reasons. many family members i hadn't seen in almost a decade, even though they live a mere 2 hours away.after paying my respects to my grandmother, aunts & uncles, i found a comfortab
the gambler
2008-07-05 17:45:00
people change. relationships change. one's necessity waxes and wanes in all types of relationships.i'm handling several situations presently that have brought up massive feelings of inadequacy. that i'm not worth the effort nor time. that i'm not worthy of their care or consideration. it's as if i've been written off without so much as a Dear Barb letter.and some days it's been a real st
Read more: gambler
tacos & tears
2008-07-31 04:41:00
yesterday i had lunch with a longtime friend, Fair Maiden. FM & i go back to jr high, although we really didn't become friends until around our early 20s. i see her once every few years, as she lives currently in Western State, getting her MFA.as we were chowing down on the best southwestern food in NJ (isn't that almost a paradox?), she asked after the Kiddo, eyeballing the 2 year old photo
Secondary Squared
2008-07-24 07:12:00
some of you know that Chris and i have been trying to conceive since late last fall, with nothing to show but a midwinter, early-in-the-game miscarriage. quite bluntly, it sucked, as many of you can attest no doubt.while i was sitting in the waiting room of Dr. PinknPretty back in January, (not) staring at women in various stages of life & pregnancy, i bit the insides of my lips trying my bes
Read more: Secondary
its in the water, baby
2008-07-19 12:50:00
it took me about two years of online roaming to find blogging. and i started this blog on a whim, with no idea what i'd write about, if i'd actually maintain it, and fairly certain that nobody would read it. i wrote about all sorts of things: my concert-going history over the past 20 years, random thoughts, cryptic messages and occasionally, my adoption experiences. my writing at the time wa
Read more: water
shedding skin
2008-09-04 04:35:00
i've been in some "adoption flux" as of late. maybe because its because a person can only listen to so much Bob Dylan without becoming a trifle introspective. maybe because its because we've been trying so damn hard to get pregnant. maybe its because an email from Betty arrived a few weeks ago, falling out of the ether and into my "in" box with a soft chiming noise.the idea of a visit, a glimme
Read more: shedding
"uncle"
2008-09-23 17:44:00
i wrote on the other blog today about how we've ceased & desisted our quest for parenthood.one of the many things Chris & i talked about in relation to becoming parents was how it would (probably) impact my current feelings about adoption, about being a birth/first mother. all speculation, of course, going by other women i know who have parented subsequent children. and although its alw
10.24.08
2008-10-24 12:54:00
The Kiddo has been on my mind continuously today. that's unusual. not saying that i don't think about him daily, as i do, but this is different.while slacking at work today, taking silly self portraits with my phone, i captured an expression of myself that the Kiddo shares, one i've seen in pictures. i pulled a now-three-year-old picture of him and made a diptych with the photo of myself i'd
No title
2008-11-21 09:55:00
last night, Chris and i were entranced by VH1's 90's Countdown show. we're suckers for all things nostalgic like that. just ask our friends, we're totally "disco lemonade". but i digress.
as we were cackling & clutching our stomachs, rapping simultaneously to House of Pain's "jump around", and just being our normal, goobery selves, we were interrupted by the opening strums of the Foo Fight
House'd
2008-11-17 04:42:00
Dialogue courtesy of IMDB, and yes, spoilers...Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's not a crack baby.Dr. Gregory House
: No, mother's perfectly healthy. She just had to give up the baby in order to continue her work on the human genome.Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She confessed to some past meth use.Dr. Gregory House: What they don't confess to is almost always more interesting. This is a mistake.i am a big watcher of "House
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