time out
2007-03-28 14:51:00
it's spring, and i'm loving it. kinda burnt out on adoption right now and have nothing to say.will resume again.
GPS & Nick Drake
2007-04-09 12:25:00
while i haven't been posting, i've been listening to a ton of music and keeping otherwise occupied. i'm devoid of words right now, so i'll borrow from others. but suffice to say, i've been having some strong feelings, and i can't really "go" anywhere with them. not here, not friends, not even my husband. they're my own issues, jealousy primarily. but this is where i am, compliments of Nick Drake
:Please give me a second gracePlease give me a second faceI've fallen far downThe first time aroundNow I just sit on the ground in your wayNow if it's time to recompense for what's doneCome, come sit down on the fence in the sunAnd the clouds will roll byAnd we'll never denyIt's really too hard for to fly.Please tell me your second namePlease play me your second gameI've fallen so farFor the people you areI just need your star for a day.So come, come ride in my my street-car by the bayFor now I must know how fine you are in your wayAnd the sea sure as iBut she won't need to cr
Read more: GPS
, Nick Drake
Sing-a-long
2007-04-19 12:10:00
at about 8 months pregnant, my best girl K took me to Inner Harbor in Baltimore a few days after my 25th birthday, after a horrendous excursion to the mall. spur of the moment roadtrips were something we did. 18 months prior we used to motor around the county on hot summer days, singing loudly to the oldies station, the top down on her convertible volkswagon, our shirts tossed on the backseat. we were young, cute, enjoying the sun and our lack of responsibilities.so we headed south on that january night, our breath freezing as we hit the highway. she reached over and hit the pre-set for the oldies. i remember smiling, feeling like myself for a moment.i was wearing a ring the birthfather had given me. it was like a secret talisman, a promise of sorts. on a stretch of dark freeway, i worked the etched silver band over my fat fingers. after rolling it around in my hands for a few minutes, i opened the window and tossed it into the night. a cheap silver band that i never really liked in th
the dangling conversation
2007-04-23 12:15:00
i spent most of saturday afternoon sobbing in my husband's arms. its been building for weeks, but i've been pushing it down, medicating, overworking and trying to force it to just. go. away. but it never does and then i implode into a blubbering mess.sobbing? por que?child envy. i'm so terribly jealous of people with kids. such a broad statement, right? its a non-discriminatory type of green eyed monster. the more time passes, the larger the hole inside gapes and stretches. it's an ugly feeling, and not something of which i'm especially proud, but i'll cop to it.almost every day, i listen to my co-worker across the hall happily telling stories of one of her 14 grandbabies newest funny attributes. i always mumble in the appropriate places."and then, Barb, that little guy looked at me with that look. you know that look, right? and he threw his head back and just started to laugh and laugh." innocent comments, she's a proud grandma, i get it. she knows about the Kiddo;
Marketing Mother's Day & More
2007-05-03 11:13:00
because its not on my mind enough these days...part of my job involves online promotions/email marketing. obviously, holidays of all kinds are a potential boost to bottom line sales. for the past few days, i've been up to my eyeballs in promoting "Gift Suggestions for the Mom In Your Life", while rolling my eyeballs and muttering snarky, uh, mutterings. coming up with flowery, enticing, hey-this-sounds-fabulous-so-i-should-buy-it-for-Mom synonyms for luxurious. (see also: sumptuous, succulent, elite, premier, etc...) although i'm fairly ambivalent at this point about the day itself, i've been rather cranky, and just hope that the work i've done pays off and the irritation is worth it._____________________________i love Netflix, but sometimes i think i shouldn't be allowed to "Add to Queue" unsupervised. on Monday, a movie called "happy endings" arrived to my mailbox. since i probably added this 6 months ago, i had forgotten the basic premise (if i had ever known it completely in t
Read more: Marketing
Blog Anniversary
2007-05-06 14:46:00
wow. i actually did stick with it for a year, even though my entries have been slim in the past two months.the highlight, of course, was seeing the Kiddo in December, after 2.5 years.given the sporadic contact that we have, it's difficult to keep this rolling, because our relationships doesn't change. civilities through letters and email, awkward tight smiles in person. all of us pretending that this is normal. this is fine.i have a difficult time seeing how this is "fine" for any of us.but lately i've not been ruminating too much, as i've got bigger fish to fry. adoption doesn't overwhelm my thoughts as much as you might think. in any case, Happy Blog Anniversary
to me.
fractals of friday
2007-05-12 19:54:00
the house phone rang at 1250pm. i was in the bedroom, reading."are we home?" Chris asked.i mumbled something that resembled "telemarketer", as nobody really calls the house. but a message was left and i shambled over to the machine and hit "mailbox one"."hi, this is Trusted Ally calling for Barbara. if you could give me a call..."my stomach sank. it wasn't a social call, not during business hours. not on the the house phone. i struggled to remember the office number and dialed. i was connected immediately with Trusted Ally. we exchanged "hey how's it goings", and then i waited."we received a package from H for the Kiddo," she informed me."oh really?" i don't know how often H corresponds with Betty & Barney, and at this point, could care less. he's on the other side of the country, and that's enough."well, he's had a child. with his 'life partner' ""what??!? when?" i had already felt my face flush and my eyes twitch in preparation for tears."um, last summer. i'm sorry to be
Read more: fractals
non adoption related
2007-05-16 14:10:00
because sometimes it gets morose & heavy in here. the bottom line is that i shouldn't be left unsupervised when overcaffeinated. although not official, i have been crowned Miss 2nd Day Air for the third year in a row. several years ago, i had been nominated for Miss-Informed, and the first runner up for Miss-Guided.
Read more: related
if it makes you happy
2007-05-23 19:08:00
so Sheryl Crow has done it as well. and one thing keeps rebounding in my head:how bizarre is it for a birthparent to see their newborn plastered all over the media? on magazine covers, internet sites? i can't fathom trying to get through the day in that type of situation. when pictures arrived on a regular basis that first year, i could either open the envelope or not. it wasn't everywhere i turned. i didn't see glossy photo-spreads of a 3 week old Kiddo and Betty sharing a tender "mommy & me" moment while thumbing through People magazine at my first post-partum visit.because its not enough of a weird road...
Read more: makes
better late than never
2007-05-26 23:39:00
after leaving my mother's house on mother's day (oh, we interrupted you eating lunch? super-sorry! look, i bought you a plant! i have no idea what it is, but isn't it pretty?), we drove over to my mother-in-law's.i adore her. she's very real. she's made some poor choices, mistakes, and isn't afraid to talk about them or the lessons she's learned from those experiences. she's realistic about life and in the almost-20 years of our relationship, has been always been honest with me. when my first marriage was disintegrating before my very eyes, i went to her for advice. because of these things, i love her very much and know that she loves me too. oh, and she's always happy to see me.after a half hour's worth of small talk, she leaned back in her rocking chair and said "well, its mother's day for you too, right?". i gave her my best tight-lipped grimace/smile and said "well, um, i guess. well, not really. i don't really acknowledge it."chris took the unspoken cue (more like an
Read more: better
Overheard
2007-05-29 04:36:00
i was outside smoking a cigarette the other day at work, people watching. on the corner, about 50 feet away, i spied a family with a two children: one a toddler, one a school-age of around 7. 7 year old looked tired, on the brink of a meltdown. mom was doing the best she could, while dad looked at the picturesque bed & breakfasts, rambling on about the historical architecture to nobody in particular. then the 7 year old lost it. like, completely lost it. and out came those words that made me wince."you're not my REAL mom. you can't tell me what to do!"oh man. the mom ignored the statement, calmly told the kid to "get over here right now" and the dad finally snapped to attention and put away his guidebook.i finished my smoke quickly. i felt sad, maybe even guilty for hearing such harsh words. its been preying on my mind.additional note:(if you received spam from me, it wasn't really me. truly sorry for the junk and/or confusion)
Mobius Band
2007-05-31 14:30:00
wow. i've come back full circle. i just breezed though may/june 2006's posts. i'm in same emotional state (good, actually, thanks for asking) that i was last year at this time. and it makes sense:i start really thinking about adoption personally in the fall, remembering how i made my first visit to the Agency in october. then the holidays. then my birthday. then the Kiddo's birthday. then Mother's Day. i careen from Important Date to Important date, intermittently suspended in guilt & sadness. but then i get "vacation" time, from the end of may to mid-october.and in this "time out", i'm not gasping for air. i'm breathing.
X
2007-06-10 14:15:00
10 years ago, right about now, i realized i was about a week late. and that was unusual. i rolled the idea around for a day before purchasing a pregnancy kit. 20 minutes after chugging almost two liters of water, i fumbled open the package."one line negative, two lines positive. result time 3 minutes."*insert stick into ur!ne stream*"onelineonelineonelineonelineoneline," i silently chanted.my hands shook as i watched the results develop. the second line became visible after about 45 seconds. 3 minutes my now-pregnant ass. i broke out in a light, cold sweat. H was away on vacation with a relative, and nobody had cell phones. the remaining member of the house was a roommate who i didn't care for on a good day.i sat on the bathmat of the tiny bathroom, my legs cramped beneath the sink, trying to stop the internal noise for a moment. what now? what now? what was i supposed to do now?
still, not stagnant
2007-06-23 11:16:00
when nothing really changes, its difficult to write new & exciting things. occasionally a thought or idea might blip through my over-agitated head, and self congratulatory huzzahs are in order when i think to actually write that blip down on a scrap of paper for later musing.i was sitting on the back deck a few days ago, contemplating my navel, trying valiantly to come up with something to write. in between the strains of Billie Holiday (Am I Blue? oh, not so much today) and Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young (Almost Cut My Hair. sacrilege!) i discerned that i don't have much to say on anything adoption related right now. instead of that notion causing anxiety as it has in the past, it just settles comfortably in the Storage Unit. i'm still reading your blogs, although i'm a little slack on the commenting (sorry about that, really). i hope you are well and happy, because right now, i am too.
spectrum
2007-06-28 12:37:00
definition of Open Adoption, according to Wikipedia:Open adoption is a term generally used to describe a variety of arrangements allowing for ongoing contact between members of the 'adoption triad' (adoptive family, birth family, and adopted child). The level of openness in any relationship varies widely. Degrees of open arrangements span from mediated contact, which implies letters and photographs sent through a third party (so that the adoptive family can maintain privacy), to the full disclosure of the adoptive family's personal information. In fully open adoptions, there is actual physical contact, through meetings and visits between the birth family and the adoptive family. Sometimes an adoption agency may describe an adoption as 'open' when the birth-mother (and/or birth-father) may have a say or may make the actual decision on who is chosen to parent their child, though this is not the generally accepted definition.i'm just using that as an example, especially because Wiki
Open Adoption Support
2007-06-28 06:36:00
although i feel like i've got nothing really to offer currently in Adoption
-land, i'm still keeping my fingers on the pulse and my little toe in the water.having said that, please go & register for Open Adoption Support
if you are involved in open adoption. c'mon...all the cool kids are doing it.
Stand
2007-07-07 05:33:00
on tuesdays throughout the summer, Chris and i have a small booth selling a certain Confectionery Delight at the local farmer's market. july 3rd was our inaugural run, and the place was packed. (side note: to those who know what we're doing, we did really well! like, exceeded expectations...)there was a lull around 530pm, so Chris took off for a time-out in the parking lot. i love people watching and this weekly event is perfect for such activities. after scanning the immediate crowd of tourists oohing over quirky tshirts two booths away and locals lining up for fresh crab cakes across the way, i set my sights on the local band just starting their set in the center pagoda. families had spread blankets, noshing on barbecue, guzzling freshly squeezed lemonade and enjoying the late afternoon respite.i smiled to myself, watching a group of 8-10 year old boys running the circle of vendors as if it were a track, gracefully ducking pedestrians & browsers. after their fifth go 'round
Read more: Stand
irritable
2007-07-13 13:00:00
i could very well sound like a heartless shrew in the forthcoming rant. just letting you know...i'm a little oversensitive at the moment.i'm so tired of People In Real Life foisting pictures of Other People's Kids on me. for instance, an acquaintance's best friend's (who i don't know) sister's (who i also don't know) new baby. when i said "yep, looks like a baby", she gave me a crestfallen look. or the woman across the hall from me at work, who insists on showing me each & every New Baby photo that comes into their very large & extended family. i just don't care. see? i'm a bitch, i'm cognizant of that fact.------------because it's The Season here in Tourist Trap, i've run into a handful of "frenemies" from high school, who are here vacationing with their families. a typical conversation works like this:"hey _________ it's great to see you""oh, wow, Barb how are you?""good, good. just...working""oh yeah. we're just here for a week. you know, on vacation. i
Dusty
2007-07-16 12:47:00
one thing i wish i had known prior to placement, and there was no way to obtain this knowledge, was how much of a role Nature plays. in short, just because you've made an adoption plan in your head doesn't mean your body is privy to the latest gossip. i mean, pregnancy is a "whole body experience", right? so the fact that you place doesn't override for what your body has been working up to these past 9 months. (maybe there are some women who can override the body. the mind is a powerful thing. let me know your thoughts in the comments)i nested. i felt almost guilty, because i was fully aware of what i was doing. i made my dingy, clean-but-never-looking-so, tiny 1 bedroom as warm & comfortable as possible in a few short days. i cleaned compulsively, which isn't my disposition. i spent hours on a third generation, faux velvet, western themed loveseat wrapped in a blanket, just surrounded by my stuff. i would catch myself enjoying the space, belly hanging out in a one piece, pushing-m
Read more: Dusty
this stubs my soul
2007-07-27 05:53:00
Jenna wrote an awesome post, that starts with this quote:From The Secret Life of BeesI wish she’d been smart enough, or loving enough, to realize everybody has burdens that crush them, only they don’t give up their children.and she presents follow up questions to which it hurts to answer, but i will:What does it make you feel? honestly? make me feel pretty damn stupid, and cold hearted.What does it make you think? that maybe i am stupid and cold hearted underneath it all. oh yeah, and weak.How does it hit at your core? see above. in addition, that my reasons weren't valid enough to warrant placing.Have you had this conversation with your placed child already? no. in the visits we've had, our time alone is extremely limited and uncomfortable. but i did tell him, during our visit in December, that if he ever needed anything or wanted to know something, he could ask to get in touch with me.How did it go? How did they respond to your answer? he shook his head in an affirmative manner
masking tape & a sharpie
2007-08-03 05:22:00
two weeks ago, my landlady of almost 5 years gave us the boot. there's not really much in the way of affordable housing in this area; most rentals are obtained by knowing someone-who-knows-someone. as a result, my normally high running anxiety has been pushed a bit further. in between "real" work, "fledgling business" work & a simmering, sweltering apartment, i've started to pack things that i won't need for a handful of months. it has not been a pleasant time.one of the first things to be packed was the small plastic tub of Kiddo stuff: the onesie, the hospital memorabilia, the cap still sealed in a ziploc. correspondence from Betty from those first few years. pictures of H and i in "happier" times, official documents. i know the contents well enough, i didn't need to revisit them. i've got neither time nor energy for tears, anger and loss.books were sorted into "keep" & "donate" piles. it pains me to pare down my library, but if i haven't looked at the book since i've live
Julie-freakin'-London
2007-08-09 07:46:00
at 3 months pregnant, things fell apart in rapid succession. H quit his job and took his sweet time finding a new one, we weren't communicating although residing in the same house, his friends and family started to vocalize their concerns, while mine on the East Coast wondered what the hell i was doing. i had the same wonderment.unbeknownst to H, i made a phone call to the store in PA. did they have a position open that i could fill? they did, in about two weeks. without speaking to my current General Manager, or anyone else for that matter, i took the job.when i told him i was leaving, i explained how i needed to be closer to people who loved me, who knew me, that i was alone out there with no support system. he said he understood, and that he had some things to tie up, but that he would follow, by his birthday in mid-October at the latest.10 days later, i stood by my fully packed car, trusting that the rest of my belongings would follow with him in the fall. i had a cooler on
Read more: Julie
, freakin
substitution
2007-08-17 03:48:00
unfortunately, much like last year, i'm spending the bulk of my time alone at work, from 10pm to 11am for the next few weeks. it's lousy timing on a number of levels. the end result is that my mind is working overtime from (non) sleeping weirdness. a few things that have been kicking around:if i'm doing the math correctly, the Kiddo is going into 4th grade in a week or two. when i was a student, i adored "back to school" time: new clothing, fresh binders, pens, assorted organizational things. a fresh outlook, another chance, a clean slate. is he excited about a new grade? what are his challenges? his strengths? is he playing soccer again? how did he fare with The Hobbit?these un-askable questions have led my attentions elsewhere. there is a young man of about 12 who frequents my workplace. he's not the standard Junior High boy ---this kid is an utter joy. somewhat awkward, a little goofy, with amazing manners and interesting musical tastes. i've taken to spending a lot of time wit
Non Adoption Related
2007-08-28 10:06:00
for 19.5 years we've been best friends, constant in each other's lives. for 4.5 years we've been a "couple". for one year and one day we've been married. we've come a long way since 1993 when this photo was taken. i guess we were about 20. in any case, yesterday was our first anniversary as "marrieds". (i really miss that shirt. it was awesome)(yes, those are rubber cockroaches)
Read more: Adoption
devotion
2007-09-17 05:32:00
"god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference" - Serenity Prayer.its that last bit that gets me: the wisdom to know the difference. its a fine line, after all.i'm at a loss to see how i can change my situation with the Kiddo & Betty. but i can be a better wife, a better daughter, a better sister, a better employee, a better friend. and its those things on which i'm concentrating for the next few months. being a better birthmother just doesn't fit into the equation. nor does being a better blogger.acceptance? maybe not completely, but i'm much further along than i was emotionally last year. progress, progress. onward & upward. over & out.
Poppins
2007-09-13 04:33:00
remember when Kateri wrote that post awhile ago? you know, the one about the Kool Aid? it resonated with a lot of birthmothers/firstmothers/insert label of your choice here. heck, a lot of folks "got it". Kateri put a name on a feeling i had yet to completely grasp.in an email conversation last week with a fellow blogger, i took it one step further, mostly due to lack of sleep & an overload of stress. its taken me this long to get myself together enough to post it. and rather than try to make it pretty & wordy, i'm just going to copy it verbatim.its like codeine cough syrup more than kool aid, isn't it? i mean, you're sick (pregnant), you need to get well (make a tough decision or have your baby taken), so you take the medicine. and you become addicted to it for awhile (uh, like years), and then one day you stop taking it. mayhem ensues.so maybe i'll keep my cough syrup spoon handy. yeah, that and the sugar. because we all know that a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine
ow. jeez.
2007-09-05 04:50:00
Please take a moment and go read Suz if you don't already.fears that i can't articulate, as i don't have the experience. but fears nonetheless.
Fare Thee Well
2007-09-29 06:12:00
...Chateau on Washington.it's moving day.in my manic, packing-like-a-crazed-lunatic (how's that for redundant? blame it on lack of sleep and over consumption of coffee) state of the past week, i crashed last night once we finally dropped into bed."5 years i've lived here, " i said to Chris. "5 freakin' years. i haven't lived anywhere for 5 years since i left home."while not a palace by any stretch of the imagination, many wonderful things have happened in this apartment, and a few tragic. it's eerie to see it devoid of (my) personality. just 7 ridiculously laid-out rooms with peeling paint, holes in the walls and nasty carpet. i've laughed so hard that liquid has come from my nose in this apartment, cried as if my heart was breaking (and it has, several times, while living here), turned 30, got divorced, fallen in love, got married, yelled obscenities, got fired from a job, written some great pieces, written some crap, entertained friends, started a business, and last but not le
Language
2007-10-18 05:13:00
while not thinking so much about adoption as a whole, terms & phrases have been on my mind. i remember struggling in those first few years with what i was supposed to call The Kiddo. was he my "birthson"? because how redundant is THAT? eventually, i came to calling him "my-son-that-i-placed-for-adoption-at-birth", if i needed a qualifier. and believe me, there are sometimes when i (still) need a qualifier."forever family" still sticks in my craw. always has. that's me: temporary vessel."gotcha day". i get it, and how its used. gee, fellow birthmoms/firstmoms/moms... do we have a "had ya day?" or perhaps a "lost ya day"? oh right. we do."you grew in my heart". awwww. a miracle of science.i did something yesterday out of sheer boredom that i haven't done in months - plugged some choice terms into a blog search engine to see what was being said in blogland. and i have to say, i was revolted by a sugary post about "our birthmother being the cutest pregnant thing". afte
Watch
2007-10-30 13:24:00
i saw this this morning on Suz's blog, and sobbed into my coffee at work. Several ladies that i read in blogland are involved in this project...and they did a heck of a job. i believe Claud put it together. (feel free to correct me on that!) keep that kleenex handy.
|
Recommend Site To A Friend
