Master Plans
1970-01-01 00:59:59
I don't make New Year's resolutions anymore. Too much pressure, and I'm not one to stick under duress.I have made some decisions for 2007: some positive, forward-moving courses of action, including taking a class in the fall. It's been far too long since I've been in school. And I need something productive to focus on other than my job and our fledgling business. There have been rumblings of possibly expanding our family. Minor rumblings, but nonetheless...it really is what I've always wanted.But what I'd really like for 2007, blog-wise, is to find out who some more of my readers are. So if you haven't left a comment previously, please feel free at any time. 2007. Where does time go?
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Auld Lang Syne
1970-01-01 00:59:59
we're both looking forward to 2007.
My Mother, (Not) Myself
1970-01-01 00:59:59
i feel like it's been all about my relationship with my mother, lately, hasn't it? Settle in for the next revelation. i've been trying to figure out when this great chasm opened between us. and i think i've got it.when i called her with the surprising news of my pregnancy (and i was a little giddy), she asked what my plans were. she mentioned "giving it up for adoption" to which i replied "are you nuts?"when i returned east, sans birthfather, she asked again what my plans were. when i fumbled, mumbled and squirmed, she said that she could not help me. i couldn't live there. she wouldn't be my "childcare".her accolades came the day we left the hospital. all the phrases we loathe to hear: i'm so proud of you. you did the right thing. this is the best for him. i'm so proud of you.what i now hear when i think about those times: you're not good enough to be his mother. you're not prepared. you're not... you're not...but what about what i am?this isn't about laying blame, it's
oh, the humanity
1970-01-01 00:59:59
adoption has given me something other than negativity, self doubt/loathing and guilt. i realized it a few days ago, while sitting in my living room with Kateri talking about bands we like, plans we have, and people we adore. oh, and that whole adoption thing.i have become a softer person in the past 9 years, in relation to other people. while i've always been fairly open-minded, i've gained greater sense of sympathy and empathy. i'm freer with hugs, with telling those close to me that i love them. i'm more prone to letting people know that they are important to me, to the world. we all matter and time is fleeting.i focus so much on the loss, that i rarely think about the positive change that has occurred. you may argue that i might have grown in this direction if i had parented, and that may be true, but i don't know that. i have been recently called self centered, narcissistic, and that may also be true to a degree, but who isn't periodically? if these folks really knew me, list
queue up the beatles now
1970-01-01 00:59:59
i had this beautiful, gushy, ridiculous post about birthdays in my draft bin. how birthdays are so important to me because somebody is born into the world, and we should celebrate the people close (in heart, mind, presence, whatever) to us. how birthdays are alternately the best and worst of days for me. blah blah blah.but i couldn't make it come out right without sounding saccharine and silly.so, Dawn, you say its your birthday? well, its my birthday too! congratulations us!
Small Town Blues
1970-01-01 00:59:59
i ran into a woman over the weekend with whom i used to work. she knows about the Kiddo, and always asks after him.and then came the kicker."i tell people your story all the time. i can't believe you did such a beautiful thing. so admirable, Barbara."people being polite, that's all it is. thinking they're saying the proper thing. comments like that ceased to make an impact a few years placement, when the haze lifted a little."are you and Chris planning on having kids soon?"i made the appropriate noises to fast-track this conversation."oh! that's wonderful. it will be so nice for you to have a baby of your own, won't it?"i firmly believe there is a time for education, and this was not one of them. i smiled at her, ended the conversation naturally and went on to my car, relieved to be out of earshot of this woman's perky coaching."...a baby of your own"certainly not the first time this has been said, and won't be the last. each time, though, its like stepping on a tiny sp
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, Blues
, Small Town
Paul Westerberg
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Dear Kiddo-wow. you're almost 9. i can't believe it has been almost 9 years since you made your entrance into the world, albeit stubbornly. you must have been enjoying your accommodations. i remember telling my friends that you were building additions to your "efficiency".that visit in december had some moments, didn't it? i had a mental laundry list of things to tell you. things i think every day, but go unheard, unsaid. there are a variety of reasons why i kept silent with my list. a) you're 8, and i'm not going to freak you out. you're perceptive enough. b) i don't know how you really feel about me, if anything. c) it was enough of a day, for everyone.i suppose what i really wanted to tell you was what a great kid you are. how friendly, how smart, how gorgeous (and not just because you look so much like me). and that i think of you often. not in a stalker way, or a sad, morose harping sort. but just about you. what you may be up to. the sound of your laughter.i've come to t
employment, co-workers and cohorts
1970-01-01 00:59:59
the last month of pregnancy i spent huge, lumbering. wearing the same 3 outfits. watching the woman working adjacent to me, The Shrew, due the week after me, glowing with pregnant bliss. listening to her loudly tell tales of her husband's heroic deeds: rubbing her back, making her dinner, taking such good care of her. its a wonder i didn't stab her with a box cutter. my secret was out. my co-workers knew of my plan. some were just more sensitive than others. and sensitivity was not part of The Shrew's make-up, not even on a good day.our workplace had planned on throwing us a joint shower. thanks to a few sympathetic Cohorts on my behalf, my name was removed from the invitations, and i was not expected to attend The Shrew's. my #1 Work Champion also secured that the standard Birth Announcement would not be posted when the time arrived, much to the confusion and irritant of some of the managers."we all know she's going to have a baby"our regular customers smiled at me daily, asking
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Poor Statue Explains It All
1970-01-01 00:59:59
so succinct, so right. go read.
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from 9 to 11am
1970-01-01 00:59:59
i've been dealing with this foot thing, and i've been out of commission in everyday life for a few weeks now. daily life has been halted, my mobility thwarted. commence cabin fever. serious cabin fever. the new(est) antibiotic seems to be working at the moment, so i hobbled to the car with a few loads of laundry and headed over to my mother's, as she is out of town. she's got a washer & dryer, and cable television. in the past few weeks, i've really missed tv. you know, BAD TV. brainless, nonthinking, 22 minute bytes of sensory fluff. laundry in washer, foot elevated, clicker in hand, i was ready.clicking past morning talk shows, educational children's entertainment and definitely non educational children's entertainment, i landed on TLC. i should know better, really. i've fought this war before. The Baby Story war. i've written about it before, on the first blog. how from 6 months to a year post-placement i was obsessively drawn to this show. i rooted for and e
manners
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Chum
1970-01-01 00:59:59
i hadn't really thought about childbirth in the practical sense until about 2 weeks prior to my due date. sure, i'd read some books. i had great prenatal care & sympathetic midwives. the agency even had a class one night with a midwife for a few of us who were due within a week of each other. i had come up with my "birth plan" prior to the class.induction okay? yep. painkillers? sure. epidural? you betcha. i didn't care about going "natural", because i had convinced myself it didn't count. that because i wasn't parenting, this birth experience didn't count. had i tricked myself into believing it was practice? indeed, i had, even in the face of what looked like a real pregnancy, and felt like a real pregnancy. as i told my mother "this isn't going to be some crunchy granola thing, mom. i don't need to remember this as a fabled 'beautiful event' "the weight was immense. with my overextended body and mind, its a wonder how i made it those last few weeks, careenin
Maxims & Turtles
1970-01-01 00:59:59
"when god closes a door, he opens a window". (to repeatedly slam on my fingers? or for self-defenestration?)"the hurt will lessen in time, you'll see" (how soon is now?)i feel ugly inside (and not so pretty on the outside, for that matter). i've got a serious case of Creeping Malaise: my house (externally and internally) is a mess, i'm not sleeping, i'm not talking to anyone. i have a site to design, and could give a whit whether or not it goes up tomorrow or two months from now. phone calls, emails are unanswered. junk mail is piling up on the counter.i've been able to squelch the desire to call the birthfather; this is my stuff, not his. i'm trapped on this tea cup ride, buckled up for safety. and the thing is, i can't even find the pulse of this ugliness. it comes from everywhere, all at once. sensory adoption overload.i want my shell back. the one from the first few years, soaked in kool aid. but alas, i'll crawl back under the safety net of work, of taking photographs of s
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Thursday Mailbag
1970-01-01 00:59:59
ah, yet again, i'm called ungrateful. but this time, by an anonymous reader, in a message emailed. i'm a bit raw right now, so if the "snarky meter" is in the red, so be it."you should be grateful that you see your son. you should be grateful that you have an open adoption when all the women before you had closed and didn't know anything about their children."i love it (adore it, really) when people tell me how i should feel, what i should do. but i can't bear the burden of the women who placed (willingly or not) in the era before me. we share our sorrows, joys and ruminations on blogs and boards, support each other through comments, emails, more personal contact. there are different types of issues with both eras, and we talk about that as well. but here, i can only give you thoughts, from my perspective, about the open adoption in which i'm involved and how it filters into daily life.super-sorry! call me later, 'kay?!
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wishin' & hopin'
1970-01-01 00:59:59
i prayed for early delivery, begged silently to whatever is out there for a quick and painless birth. in my second to last office visit, i asked my midwife if i was leaking amniotic fluid. it was, unfortunately, just a little bit of urine each time i laughed, sneezed or coughed. no dilation happening. this baby was going nowhere. not in my time, anyway.on Friday, February 13th, i finished work and headed to the hospital, as i was having contractions. my coach was excited to finally have use of her "baby beeper", and met me at the hospital, along with Trusted Ally, my social worker from the agency, who was my other coach (at my request, as we'd gotten a decent friendship outside of the whole adoption thing. this was not an act of coercion).we waited. and waited. with monitors strapped across my belly, curiously spewing graphs of baby's heart rate, we waited for answers. now a smidge dilated, but not much else happening, they sent me home. there were too many other women on
Sonata
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Overture:Intermezzo:* **Coda:and i was alone with my thoughts, and a ziploc that smelled of new baby *a post will come later in reference to the birth certificate.**obviously, they changed his name completely, else i would have altered that as well
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Interlude, again
1970-01-01 00:59:59
many people know this song from the finale of Six Feet Under, but i discovered someone who set it to images & clips from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. i don't have any words, i can't finish the story. so images will have to do.
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Sugarcubes
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Sunday
1970-01-01 00:59:59
i spent the day feeling like i was suffocating. sobs waiting to burst forth remained stifled in my chest, my head was throbbing by 9am. i paced, looked out windows, smoked cigarettes. i tried calling some people, but would only get to the 5th or 6th digit of their number and i'd close my phone, because how many creative ways can one articulate "this hurts"?it snowed briefly, a 15 minute shower of winter sweetness. i stood at my back door, watching flakes of all things beautiful drift through my neighborhood. and then it was gone, dissipated into the then-bright afternoon.i feel the weight of unshed grief, of frustration, of all the hurt. its just sitting in my abdomen, boiling, waiting.i want to thank everyone who has read over the past few days. i appreciate your comments & emails, your kind & loving words of support. again, thanks for reading.
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when you were mine
1970-01-01 00:59:59
when this photo was taken, it was the first time i had really examined the Kiddo, 9 years ago yesterday. it hadn't occurred to me to check for fingers and toes. i figured if there was something wrong, they would have told me. it never occurred to me, until a friend asked, what his little belly looked like. or the patterns of the whorls on the soles of his feet. or how he looked sleeping. he started crying right after this photo. the subsequent pictures are the Kiddo red faced and screaming, and my expression is one of bewilderment and horror. i don't even have them in my 'Kiddo photo album', i'm so embarrassed by my reaction at the time."he hates me", i said to my friend."of course he doesn't hate you. he's freaked out, Barb. this 'outside' world is new, remember? he had a really nice condo on Womb Street.""he knows what i'm going to do"i fought any maternal instincts and sent him back to the nursery. back to where Betty and Barney were waiting to spend time with h
Go Visit
1970-01-01 00:59:59
my girl Beth. and share some love & good mojo with her. because Tony Little and i know that SHE CAN DO IT and beat that nasty c-word. (no, the other one)
Information Not Recorded
1970-01-01 00:59:59
is what is listed on the Kiddo's original birth certificate where it says: Father's Name.this was NOT my choice. according to the hospital social worker, who shall be called Hosebeast, this was state law, as the birthfather was not physically present to confirm that he was, indeed, the father.at the hospital, filling out the birth certificate paperwork, i put down the birthfather's information. but apparently i could have put down Mickey Mouse, because it didn't matter. when i received my copy two months later, i was horrified.i called the hospital and received transfer after transfer, nobody wanted to speak with me. when i finally did speak to the Hosebeast, she babbled something about the birth certificate was only allowed to be altered if DNA testing occurred, because we weren't married. he's 1741 miles away. highly unlikely. he signed the consents, the TPR. we lived together when i became pregnant. i sat at my desk thinking "i feel so sad".sad because i did have feelings for
silence & laughter
1970-01-01 00:59:59
for the first time in weeks there is no extraneous noise and i feel like a human being. sometimes you have to get low-down to be able to get back up. i am definitely one of those people. my name is barbara, and i've been a trainwreck. pleased to meetcha.the funny thing is, in everday life, i'm a fairly amusing person. i laugh a lot, love to make bad jokes and puns, and have a slightly wicked creative streak. contrary to what might be popular belief, i don't sit around crying into my coffee all day bemoaning life, what's been dealt and/or choices i've made. i'm a fun girl (at least my friends seem to think so...).that said, i come to my tiny corner of the blogging world to attempt to make sense of a choice i made. i didn't realize at the time how truly immense of an impact it would have on me later. when i started blogging (august 2005?), and ran across blogs from Kateri, Poor Statue, Magic Pointe Shoe, and N within the first few weeks, i realized that i was not alone in my
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, laughter
Suspended Animation
2007-03-04 14:25:00
you'd think that after 9 years, i'd see the warning signs of impending seasonal depression. i'm always caught, blissfully unaware. i cruise through the holiday season and a very busy job, and shortly after my birthday in January, i start to disintegrate. and as per usual, i perk up around the beginning of march. another "birthday season" completed.part of it has to do with the town where i live: a seasonal seaside resort that closes down in many respects for the months of January through March. the winds howl from the ocean, shaking the windows of my ancient, poorly insulated apartment. my seasonally unemployed husband gets cabin fever. i plod through the day. if you received a depressing mix CD from me, sorry about that. hopefully i included something else in that package for balance.last weekend, i made a conscious decision that i'd had enough. i'd been hiding from friends, work responsibilities, and just feeling ill at ease in general. it had to stop. i went to my boss' hou
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Stardate 3.20.98
2007-03-07 22:26:00
i found this journal (that i thought i had pitched this fall in a cleaning frenzy) from when i was in new orleans a month after the kiddo's birth. i just breezed through it, listening to the writer, a woman i barely remember. the birth story is included, i felt the need to write it all down for posterity. some choice reflections, verbatim.seeing him for the first time:i hung out, watched some tv. i guess around 230 a nurse came in to check on me. i asked to see the baby, but that i wanted to go to the nursery. it took me awhile to walk, but i felt good. she led me over to him, and i was AMAZED at the little creature who was asleep.he was so big!! they had one of those stupid hats on him, and i pulled it off to look at the hair i'd heard so much about. and he had these long fingernails. i looked at him, gently touched him and cried a little bit. he was still Jacob to me then.i called The Birthfather, and V told me that he had moved. GREAT. she got me his number at work and i called hi
Spokesmodel
2007-03-12 21:54:00
in the first few years after the Kiddo's placement, i spoke about my experiences with open adoption to prospective adoptive parents who were affiliated with the same agency that i had gone through. it was part of their educational course, before they "went in the books". a day long educational session, with birthmothers in the afternoon, relaying our tales and experiences regarding making the decision to place, choosing a "waiting family", placement and life after. sometimes there would be three of us, sometimes two, sometimes just me. sometimes there were 10 or 12 couples, sometimes two or three.Trusted Ally would lay the map, asking pointed questions if she knew someone in the audience was struggling with a particular issue, like openness. i became so familiar with the route, i'd ask her prior to the afternoon session "where are we going to go today?" i believe the main purpose was to put a human face on birthparents, to make us less a figment of the imagination, to see that
Ouch, and Yes
2007-03-14 10:05:00
Nicole writes:I opened my mouth to speak and my chin wobbled. The room went blurry behind my tears. My voice shook as I said, “I just wanted one significant person in my life to say to me, ‘You’ll be a good mom, and I’ll help you.’ But no one did. No one said that to me. No one.”this resonates with me so clearly, i can't even say anything further.
musical timewarp
2007-03-16 10:35:00
while sitting here at work at 4am, Ben Folds Five's "brick" came on the radio, taking me back to a moment when i was really pregnant, and really emotional. music is a memory trigger for most people, in all types of situations: prom, wedding, relationships of all kinds, riding around on your bike with a transistor radio in your front basket (ha!).there are some things i just can't hear without thinking back to "that time". for instance, "titanic" was huge at the box office when i was huge with the Kiddo. i still haven't seen it. my friends went, and invited me along, but i knew i couldn't sit comfortably for even an hour, let alone 2 hours and change. and i won't even go there with the Celine Dion song, which i've always loathed, but connect with that time.one movie that did help me through a particularly rough patch during and after pregnancy & placement was Allison Anders' "Grace of My Heart". great cast, interesting enough story (based loosely on songwriter Carole King), and a
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Remainders, Hurts & the NYT
2007-03-18 13:10:00
in past-life, i worked for The MegaBookstore, in a variety of capacities over my 7 year tenure. for a spell, when i lived "out west", i helped open a new location, and was put in charge of the "remainders" sections. i was, for a year, the queen of overstocked, marked down, slightly damaged, out-of-date books in all genres. but when my shipment came every tuesday, it was the box of "hurts" i was seeking. we'd receive only a copy or two of a specific title, marked way down for some reason: a little more than shopworn, a non-stock special order that was never picked up by the customer, too specific academic texts. and sometimes, there would be no obvious reason. and maybe i'd find a copy of something truly amazing $2.98. a jewel in a sea of mass produced cookbooks, coffee table books and best sellers past their prime.one evening, about 8 years ago, i made a drunken analogy about Chris, while sitting with him in a local bar. it was my pathetic attempt at trying to cheer him up while he w
Go Listen
2007-03-23 09:16:00
to Kateri's interview.
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