Owner: Of Rice and Zen: The Memoirs of a Gaijin URL:http://www.memoirs-of-a-gaijin.blogspot.com Join Date: Mon, 18 Feb 2008 22:39:21 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: I'm moving to Japan in 5 days... Shit. The. Bed. Site statistics:Click here
Day 778: The second ever videocast 2008-03-06 11:30:00 You finish and upload your second videocast in two days and wonder what has sparked this unprecedented productivity. You decide to take a day off and take your missus on a date in order to balance your life and avoid "burning out". Taking the missus on a date is, of course, a euphemism for masturbation.
Day 776: The first ever videocast 2008-03-04 10:19:00 You realise that you may not be living anywhere but Japan for a long time to come. You decide to make your first ever videocast to bring the folks back home a glimpse of your life out east. You put a small vimeo thumbnail in the sidebar and a Youtube link in the main post. You realise that if you press play on both at once you can see yourself on video twice on the same webpage in a kind of cheapskate's dolby surround sound. You love the twenty-first century so much you want to video yourself rubbing it on your nipples and upload it to a website that houses mediocre homemade porn. Mmmm, mediocre homemade porn...
Day 772: A vs JAL 2008-03-01 08:51:00 You finally clawed your money back from the inept hands of a shower called Orbitz when you realise you should probably whip out the old electron microscope and take another look at the fine print on the ticket you bought to Korea. A perfunctory glance tells you that you cannot cancel it and get a refund within one month of the date of the flight. You do the upper right eye flick to your trusty Macbook clock and realise that the flight is exactly one month from today. You take up the dog and bone and prepare yourself for battle with Kafka's call centre.Mashing at the keypad like a chimp in search of a banana chute you find an English speaking woman who can answer a grand total of none of your questions but later calls you back with a clue.Call centre bintI'm afraid we can't touch, change, a
Day 771: What are ex-Nova teachers up to these days? 2008-02-28 07:56:00 You watch a video that came your way from Bourne who is now living in Thailand. It's a Japanese orchestra breaking out into a cover of "Smoke on the Water". When the singing starts you realise that nothing you can imagine sufficiently outstrips the reality of Japan to become a spoof. It's pretty much unspoofable. A joke advert for men's lipstick seems funny, until you are riding the subway one day and see an ad for "menzu lippu". It is actually on sale in Japan.Recently, G Communications said they would buy Nova on the condition that they didn't break up the company into smaller divisions and that they would hire any teacher who wanted to work "in principle". Since acquiring the Nova brand they opened a handful of schools across Japan. Then they stopped taking on new teachers
. Then they
Day 765: Insomnia, sponsored by Digg 2008-02-22 08:48:00 You arrive home tired and take a little break before dinner with the family. It's hard to know if you can call S's parent's place home, but you've been here for so long now there's nowhere else you can think of leaving that word. S's mum is the greatest cook in the world and you genuinely look forward to dinner with the family. This would bother you as it a pathetically small sign of life, but dinner's so yummy you can't bring yourself to care. You're no longer single, but you remember those days fondly. You're trying to work out which version of you seems the most natural state of affairs. The mukade dodger living in hovels and starving do death, but having a great time. Or the more sedate life of the guy who lives with a Japanese family works hard all day. You jump onto the internet to Read more:Insomnia
, sponsored
, Digg
Day 760: The science of sock angles 2008-02-16 11:54:00 The above sign represents Japanese marketing in a Hamlet-esque nutshell:!-I see, the heel is at aRIGHT ANGLE.(benefit)It's difficult to become tired.If these socks truly do prevent tiredness, then the manufacturers have indeed come up with a totally revolutionary sock angle. Who would've thought that they were the first to conceptualise and market the revolutionary 90 degree tiredness prevention sock. Hats and socks off to them. You're not trying to say that marketing is a pointless endeavour, but if the sarcasm police come, you're gonna need a great lawyer. The truth is the marketing can afford to treat people like idiots in Japan because a lot of people trust what figures of authority tell them, and if people keep eating an extra bowl of stupid the morning before doing the family shop, t
Day 755: Tiny teacher terrifies townspeople 2008-02-11 09:54:00 Back at home over new year you tend to have more forward thinking conversations about the future, covering such grown up ground as:- monetizing your skills- people skills- getting results when complaining- dealing carefully with the common jobsworthFor those outside of England, the jobsworth is that common breed of animal who tells you your request is out of the quesiton because to do something that is not explicitly covered in the idiot proof training manual is "more than my job's worth". Ideally, one wants to avoid these situations like one avoids arguing with a drunk or a fool.While a lot of your efforts since returning from England have been in the right direction, you did make a rare slip-up which was destined from the start to lead you on an unstoppable collision course with a jobswo
Day 746: Year three begins 2008-02-03 00:57:00 The annual January trip to Japan is an interesting experience. Being just after new year and being a westerner, you convince yourself that it's new year, new resolutions, new start. You make ambitious plans to rejuvenate your life and your flight home is a physical embodiment of your hopes, desires and ambitions for the coming year. Leaving your family yet again is hurts like a hernia, but flying to Japan has come to symbolise a flight towards fortune and glory in the shape of a rising sun.You are becoming well-versed with the aeroplane's AVOD (audion and video on demand) system. For old time's sake you switch on the Magic 3's external camera and watch the ground below drift by gracefully. You also turn on the map view and watch that red line stretch across the globe and quietly hum the In
Day 741: You're grounded mister 2008-01-29 06:41:00 January 2006 - fly to Japan with Mouse. Witness horror of DV cam crushage. Tell yourself it's all part of life's rich tapestry. January 2007 - fly to Japan with S. Have drinking competition with self after everybody else falls asleep. January 2008 - nearly fail to board flight.Let's back up a bit. The desk staff tell you your ticket to Australia in May is not enough to convince the Japanese immigration staff that your intentions are strictly tourism related. They ask to see some kind of travel itinerary. They tell you that yes, the UK has a visa waver arrangement with Japan. Yes you can land and get a tourist visa stamped in your passport for 90 days. Yes you can extend your visa and stay for another 90 days. No you cannot assume that you will be allowed to stay until May.You do the math a
Day 734: The yearly trip home 2008-01-22 05:07:00 When you visit England you quickly realise that the height of entertainment involves eating more turkey and stuffing than should be humanly possible and messing with your gran's dog in such a way that it makes a noise like a Taun-taun. Grey skies. Fat, miserable, chip-munching proles dragging their thwarted husbands through supermarkets. Hoody sporting Chavs wherever you turn. The only thing that's changed since you left is that Russell Brand went from relatively unknown TV presenter to revolutionary stand-up/showbiz personality who's beloved of just about everyone in Blighty. You have to say you thoroughly approve.Life suddenly revolves around "what's on TV" and other such plebian passtimes. It's a fall from the glory of the rock star lifestyle the horsemen were living in Nova's hayday.
Day 725: Bye-bye gaijin card 2008-01-12 16:08:00 It's January 2008. It's almost two years since you came to Japan. Your visa's coming to an end and eikaiwa's no longer seem a wise prospect. You decide to start again with some perspective. You buy a ticket home. See the family. Have a delayed Christmas dinner. Talk to them about S. Then you'll come back to Japan on a tourist visa. Hope that your few remaining friends are still here when you get back.S and her family are getting used to having you around. You eat dinner together most days. You take a new year trip to Tachikisan shrine in Shiga to pray for good luck in the coming year. You buy them sushi dinner. A week later you go to Shigaraki prefecture to see a vast collection of porcelain tanuki. You tell them you're gonna buy some tanuki for the folks back home. You tell them you ha
Day 725: Your future is secure, in principle 2008-01-11 09:27:00 When Nova closed G communications took over on the condition they would take on all of the teachers who wanted to work. Two months later G communications offered teachers two options. Options A was a job immediately cleaning toilets and throwing out the belongings of the thousands of teachers who returned home thousands of dollars short, if they were lucky enough to live near one of the handful of open branches. Option B consisted of ¥150000 ($1377/£703) up front and a job from January. Most of your friends went for option B because they didn't live near an open branch, needed the rent money right away and they needed their visas renewed around January.On Christmas day you discover that G communications have revoked their offer of a job for all those who want to work. Merry fucking Ch
Day 724: Japan's monkey's have so far eluded me 2008-01-10 16:46:00 Ami and her photographer friend are returning to bring you some cycles to pose on, when they find you purple headed and grimacing like a fire-eater with an ulcer. Your bike has a giant Anpan Man stuck to the bell. With your feet on the pedals your Japan
ese suit pants ride up a long way revealing your cowboyish boots. You glance over and see that Linton has invested in boots that are far less ambiguously of the cowboy variety. This is not helping you turn around the "gay photo shoot" vibe pervading the day. Your already crotch-snug Japanese pants are contorted into a painful knot on the bicycle seat. You're not sure whether you're smiling or grimacing, but whatever it is the kameraman tells you he wants more of it. Ami apparently wants less of something. She holds up a hand to stop the sh Read more:monkey
Day 711: When balls go bad 2007-12-31 20:20:00 Tsuyako emails and tells you she wants you to model for her friend. You have this dream every night. You stare lethargically at your keitai and wait for it to change into a mukade or your mum's face asking why you don't call. It doesn't do anything. You pinch yourself. It seems you are awake. Drunk yes. Numb certainly. But definitely awake. You read the message again. In your first few months in Japan you were ripped to the tits. No question. You could wash shirts on your rock hard abs. That would've been a great time to receive this email. Nowadays you look like that guy's older, fatter brother who failed his tryout for Tottenham Hotspur, went off the training and now spends his evenings watching a worn out tape of his best game while drinking an endless string of Stellas and weeping when
Day 705: The Wedding Singer 2007-12-19 09:30:00 Chihiro calls you and asks if you'll play a song at her wedding. This is a weird question because although you played in bands for a few years in England, you have no recollection of telling her this. On the other hand you have come to understand that you having no recollection of things happening is absolutely not to be taken as evidence that they never happened. You guess one of two things is going on here:1. You picked up someone's guitar once while drunk at a party and rocked out a sweet cover of What Would Brian Boitano Do? in front of a stunned Japanese crowd. Presumably after strumming the last chord, you set fire to the guitar and attempted to crowd surf on the 15 seated attendees who stared at you the way a cat looks at an injured mouse running in circles.2. Chihiro has to outdo t
Day 693: A moving day 2007-12-10 22:20:00 You fall asleep reading The Code of the Samurai again. It's a fascinating read. It emphasises caring for your family, serving your daimyo and readiness to die. But not necessarily in order. This means that serving your feudal lord or employer is every bit as important as looking after your dear old mum. All these centuries later you can still see this philosophy everwhere you look. Only now daimyo manufacture video cameras and have huge neon signs. And little Johnny's little league games are cheered on by mums sitting next to empty seats.In short, everybody is under somebody else wing and that relationship is still far more invasive than a payer/paid arrangement. When training was done under apprenticeship this arrangement made quite a lot of sense. Nowadays people in Japan don't
Day 685: The trouble with nuance 2007-12-03 08:40:00 When you first met S's dad and introduced yourself, he instantly responded with a joyful, "Fugu!" Japanese people often refer to you as Fugu when they meet you, because they are reminded of a Swiss K1 fighter of that name. Fugu also happens to be a deadly pufferfish. This is usually meant in good fun, but in izakaya you always have to watch that playful banter has not become subtle mockery.On your first real night living with S's family you sit (read "kneel") down for a family meal and watch the Olympic volleyball qualifying matches. What the Japanese team lack in height and power they make up for in spirit. One of their number is a university student, giving them the feel of passionate amateurs. You cheer them on as a family while eating nabe and deflecting small hands with your pin
Day 684: Ainu you were gonna say that 2007-12-01 10:17:00 A gentleman heading out of the door in Starbucks stops and points at you and says, "America". It isn't a question. You tell him in Japanese that no, you are English. He tells you he's sorry but he doesn't understand your English. You've had that enough times to return you to your Japanese study with a vengeance. You are hunching over a text book, pen poised, but he's not done yet. He points heavenwards and asks if you worked for Nova. He gestured upwards not because Nova is dead, but because the Yamashina branch of Nova is directly above Starbucks. You confirm that was the case without bothering to explain that you didn't work in Yamashina. The idea that you could be living and studying in Yamashina but working in Shiga regularly blows the locals' minds and takes a lot more time t Read more:gonna
Day 682: Purgatory is in Yokaichi 2007-11-29 23:48:00 You've said many times that you know just enough Japanese to get yourself into trouble. Just before Nova bought a one way ticket to Palookaville, wise old Bourne was Linford Christie quick off the mark and visited Hello Work in Kyoto several times to get information and make his face known. His approach is, "I don't care what usually happens in these situations, I'll leave when you get your wallet out." It helps that he's a level 2 at Japanese because when you go you quickly realise you're gonna get as far as an octopus in a daring sushi restaurant escape bid.You can't make the staff understand your Japanese when you decide to give up and go home empty-handed:AI understand there's nothing you can do for me know so I'm going to go home and wait for the appropriate documents to arrive fro Read more:Purgatory
Day 681: Kyoto Nova Kru Video 2007-11-28 10:30:00 After the collapse of Nova you lost a lot of good friends who were forced to return home. You were left with a lot of memories of good times. You decide to put a bunch of your keitai videos together to give your friends something to remember it by.It's a montage of the laughs, songs and dances you shared. You hope, it will stay with you forever to commemorate your time with Nova from January 2006 to October 2007. You had the time of your life. You hope your friends did too. Technorati Tags: aeon, ALT, anders lundqvist, baka gaijin, chain, chain school, drunk, eigo no sensei, English teacher, engrish, gaijin, gaijin memoirs, ganbatte, geos, izakaya, Japan, Japanese, JET, job, Kansai, Kyoto
, mac, memoirs of a gaijin, meta, Misasagi, monkeybridge, nihon, Nova, nova closure, Nova teach
Day 680: Homestay with the out-laws 2007-11-27 22:52:00 Today your girlfriend's email gossip circle relates a piece of news so exciting that even her mum joins in the cooing. The girls are always keen to broadcast it when they've claimed another piece of cheese on the board game of life, be it husband, mortgage or rugrat. This time it seems that one of their number has struck paydirt. She lives in Shiga and receives a vast sum of money from her husband who has just had to move away to Tokyo for a promotion. She now lives alone, the kids have flown the coop and she's slicing up credit card swipers like a potato hating ninja chef prepares gratin. Total autonomy. All the perks, none of the sags. Sugoi, desu ne... ii na, they sing longfully.You realise what Mod meant when Nova closed and he said he'd gladly marry a Japanese salaryman.Your ho
Day 678: Repeated packing reveals massive personality shift and reason 2007-11-26 06:55:00 You decide that the prospect of packing
again is twitch-inducingly grim. Perhaps next time you live somewhere you should avoid renting, which as uses of money go makes about as much sense as trying to repel a mugger by choking him with ten pound notes and flicking pound coins at his testicles like dull edged ninja stars. It's time to buy.On the other hand the idea of buying a house in Japan is terrifying because it implies stability, routine, a secure job. These things are not forthcoming to most foreigners in Japan. On the other other hand you reason that you weren't fond of commitments in England either, and if you're gonna choose a country to live in you'll have to back to Eastern pony and sweat the details later. Buy the ticket, take the ride.For now you strip the walls of their A- Read more:massive
Day 676: The four horsewomen 2007-11-24 06:04:00 Ellie (a.k.a. Easy E), Lisa (a.k.a Sophie Ellis Bexter), Becki (a.k.a. the undercover agent) and Audrey (a.k.a. open season) quit Nova before the bankruptcy and received news of Sahashi's nip-slip-tastic fall from glory by email. After traveling for weeks through Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam and Thailand they are back in Japan looking fitter, happier, more productive. They spent a lot less on their jaunt than yourself, Harry and Mod did by staying at home and paying for rent and food. They are back for a week to collect their bags, then they'll join the growing group of people who constitute the broken links in your keitai phonebook.You're gonna miss these girls when they're gone.Their nicknames all involve interesting stories. Ellie, for example, is a slim, red-headed, diminutive British C
Day 664: Apartment number four consigned to precarious memory 2007-11-12 11:52:00 You are packing your apartment into boxes once more in the full knowledge that your next abode will be temporary. Your Japanese girlfriend, the peerless A, still seems to be mystifyingly fond of you and as such her parents have kindly agreed to feed and house your jobless pauper backside until next year when you plan to visit the motherland for tea and crumpets. You're not sure if returning England should be called a trip home or a trip abroad.Again you're sitting on the floor in the place you used to call home surrounded by boxes. You stare at the blank walls and they look straight past you towards the door, waiting for somebody else to move in and warm them up. They've already forgotten your name. You notice that your Japanese experience has been defined by distinct and interesting
Day 663: Goodbye sanity, Hello Work 2007-11-11 22:40:00 At the end of October you are walking past Kyoto station when you notice, flashing in the bright sunlight, large wreaths attached to the walls wishing you a merry Christmas. This is before Halloween. You take a walk inside to see a huge Christmas tree at the top of the staircase twinkling with blue lights. Involuntary memory is a victim to these symbols and you recall a thousand Christmas dinners. Cosy yeti slippers. Gravy and crackers. Roast chestnuts in Lincoln cathedral. Then you remember it's not even halloween yet. If the festivities last two months, you're gonna start to notice you're a long way from home. You wonder how you'll afford presents this year.You're in central Kyoto to visit the Hello
Work offices again. They give you the guidelines for applying for unemployment ins Read more:Goodbye
Links for 2007-07-23 [del.icio.us] 2007-07-24 00:00:00
Of Rice and Zen - Episode 20
Like herpes A intermittently returns when you least expect it to tell you about pink salon blowjobs, poison from China, earthquakes and nuclear waste and disabled men warming mobile phones in their wheelchairs. 'GET-O' SHITA! BYEE-BYEE!
Of Rice and Zen - Episode 19
My stalkers are really starting to give me the farty liquid follow-throughs and I'm really not sure you guys are taking me seriously. When they find me locked in a Japanese basement with a rolled up textbook in my mouth and a haiku painted on my body read
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