Owner: I am screaming and punching myself URL:http://screampunch.typepad.com/ Join Date: Tue, 06 Feb 2007 15:00:16 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: One cranky woman responds to pop culture and the world at large. Highlights include recaps of "Flavor of Love" and "I Love New York," movie reviews, "BritneyWatch," and the occasional cat picture. Site statistics:Click here
Cats-in-costumes update 2007-02-06 04:32:48 This just in! The smaller size poncho is an unqualified success!
Not only does she tolerate the poncho, I think she might actually like it!
Okay, I'll lay off the kitty costume posts for a little while. Unless I can get Mojo into the larger poncho and get a Donny-and-Marie-style photo of the both of them. All bets are off in that case; I'm sure you understand.
Dipping my toe into the paint 2007-02-04 02:04:17
I'm not going to promise you anything, but I think I might start blogging about Top Design on Bravo. I'm still filled with hate and bile after the deplorable depravity that was Season 2 of Top Chef, so I hope this show is a vast improvement, if only to lessen the bad taste in my mouth from Everybody Hates Marcel, as I came to call it.
Already there's abrasive, unpleasant and flat-out obnoxious personalities in the competition (see photo), but as long as nobody is assaulted, I'm fine with that.I do get a little nervous that the promos themselves are promising "wall-to-wall drama." Like I said in my Top Chef rant, I don't want drama so much as I want beauty, art, innovation and creativity. But that might be too much to ask from reality TV.
One thing that Top Design has that Top Chef didn't have (and, I think, suffered greatly for want of) is a knowledgeable, helpful person in the role of non-judge mentor. That said, Todd Oldham is no Tim Gunn. I mean, Oldham is certainly a grea
The week in Britney 2007-02-03 22:48:12
Not much has gone on recently with our little subject of study. To her credit, we have no shots of her drunkenly careening from one party to another, nor have we seen her labia in quite some time. I'm not sure whether this is an indication of a shift in priorities, or a temporary bummer brought on by the recent death of her aunt from breast cancer (always a tragedy, especially for a relatively young woman, as Britney
's aunt was).
So the pictures from the past week offer mere glimpses of missteps in personal presentation, rather than a desperate howling cry for help. But hey, there's always next week!Britney started the week out looking... well, looking like 20 miles of bad road while shopping at Target. (Picture from Britney fansite breatheheavy.com.)
What's most unnerving to me in that picture isn't that she's carrying a purse clearly too small for her needs, nor her roots and scraggly hair, nor that her lips look rather Mr.-Potato-Head-esque, what with that opaque red c
1-4: Life lessons from stupid people 2007-02-01 19:34:18 This episode of I Love New York focused on ... er ... hands-on experiences, but I think a lot of deep philosophical meaning can be taken from observing the interactions of New York and the dudes -- and doing the exact opposite.
(If not for that little VH1 logo in the corner, I'd swear this episode was composed solely of "fast-forward" scenes from a spectacularly cheesy porno.)The day begins with the dudes receiving their challenge: build a doghouse for Your Majesty, New York's little pocket rat. The dudes are divided into teams of three based on the colors of their wife-beaters.
Lord, Real looks like a thug Donna Summer. (And you'll notice that Heat can't keep his eyes off of 12-Pack.)
The winning team will get one-on-one time with New York, and the foreman of the winning team will get "a little extra," New York tells us with a less-than-subtle booty pop. In the quest to designate a foreman, the black team defers to Rico's knowledge, the gray team does Read more:people
Winter fashions for unwilling pets 2007-01-30 21:10:20 It's happened. We've become That Couple. The couple who gleefully purchases costumes for their pets, gets the pets into the clothing through a complicated system of treats and half-nelsons, and documents the pets' systematic humiliation with photos.
No, we don't have kids. Why do you ask?We'd noticed the cats getting a little chilly in their brief outdoor forays, so we jokingly said we should get them little jackets. Well, at first we were joking, but then one of us -- I don't remember who, although I suspect it was me -- offered to see what kind of options for cat outerwear might be available. So the preposterous concept became first a reality, then an inevitability. I imagine a great many sexual missteps and murders are set in motion the same way.
Jason suggested a letter jacket for Mojo, and I thought that would be awesome. As usual, he was absolutely right.
If you think the jacket fits him a little funny, especially in the shoulder region, you're right. That's be
Shaking my head in confusion at the Mayer 2007-01-29 20:55:30 Several months ago, my logic center suffered a mild seizure when I contemplated a possible romantic relationship between John Mayer
and Jessica Simpson. I wanted to like the guy, but his alleged choice of companion pretty much threw his entire character into question. I was relieved when Us magazine seemed to take particular joy in crowing that he had dumped her after she turned a couple of dates into a major relationship. Okay, I thought. He's got some semblance of taste after all. But it seems I was mistaken.They've been hanging out a lot lately. And I can't tell if it's an actual dating-type relationship, or if she's his beard, or if they're just using each other for the photo opportunities, or what. I can tell you this: I needed to wash my eyes with hot water and a strong antibacterial cleanser after seeing this picture from People's "Star Tracks":
What in the name of confidential outpatient treatment is she wearing?! He looks like a pizza boy who might or might not supp Read more:Shaking
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1-3: "Yes, but in rubles, I'm LOADED!" 2007-01-26 05:47:57 Last week, we examined the boy skanks' bathing suit areas. This week, we examine their wallets -- and it actually feels more invasive and exploitative. That said, I'm kinda glad Romance went home last week so we were spared a scene of him gasping plaintively, "Can you put a value on love?"
Oddly, I found myself liking New York this week. (Maybe my fondness for her is going to alternate with the episodes, like the quality of Star Trek films.) But I couldn't not post this picture. You know how it is.We open with the dudes comparing physiques. They count Bonez' abs, and determine that he does in fact have an 8-pack.
I am really liking Bonez. That never bodes well for someone on a reality show.
Soon, however, the dudes' merriment is cut short, as Whiteboy learns some tragic news. A dear, lifelong friend of his has been killed in a car accident, and Whiteboy never got a chance to say goodbye.
I really hope it wasn't the guy in the tattoo, because the world needs Neil Dia
Like he hasn't seen it before 2007-01-23 16:13:35 My perennial favorite British pop star, Robbie Williams, has announced that he will do a full-monty striptease for Elton John's 60th birthday in March. Of course, to my mind, nothing could top the one he did in the video for "Rock DJ." (Caution: not entirely safe for work, plus it gets a little gory.)To me, this video says everything about fame, celebrity, fan culture and Robbie himself. The desperation for attention, the crowd's taste for blood, the total lack of shame on everyone's part. The sight of a rollergirl lovingly cradling a slab of bloody muscle to her face is, to my twisted mind, nothing short of art.
There's a lot of static about Williams' sexual orientation, whether he's straight and a tease, gay and closeted or just plain bi. My take on the man, based solely on his music and videos, is that Robbie Williams doesn't care what form the attention takes; if you're willing to adore him, he's yours. He needs you more than you need him, and he knows that makes him a be
Top Chef: An alternate interpretation 2007-01-21 06:30:41 One of the most disturbing things I've seen on TV recently (besides all of I Love New York) is the way four of the remaining contestants on Top Chef
ganged up on the odd man out, Marcel. I'd been unnerved by their persistent verbal abuse of him for the past couple of weeks. But last week, they crossed the line into physical assault, when Cliff woke a sleeping Marcel and held him down, while Ilan filmed it and yelled for either Sam or Elia to come get the clippers and shave Marcel's head.
One of the things that bothered me most about it is that I don't think it went down the way the show presented it.
UPDATE: Both my videos of the original head-shaving incident and the re-edited footage have been removed from YouTube after I got an email from them citing "copyright violations." Make of that what you will. (All I'm going to say is this: VH1 doesn't seem to mind my use of videos, but then I'm not accusing them of lying. Stay golden, VH1.)Here's the head-shaving incident as sh Read more:alternate
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Well, we have our answer 2007-01-19 22:16:56
I guess Isaac Cohen discovered he just wasn't that into Britney. I tell ya, there's something about being thrown up on that's really off-putting. To either his credit or his shame, though, he waited to sever ties until he'd picked up a crapload of hideously tacky stuff from Ed Hardy.
Yeah, supposedly, she's single again. I'm losing count; is this the second or the third dude she's dated since filing for divorce two months ago? (And does Paris Hilton figure into the count anywhere?)
(The usual jacked-up pictures after the jump.)
Incredibly, this is not Sally Kirkland, who is 62 and insane. But the resemblance is uncanny, isn't it?
(Picture snagged from In Case You Didn't Know.)
I'm not sure what the hell is happening in this picture. Is she about to cough up a bolus of something into the outstretched hand before her? Is she having a stroke? What on earth is wrong with her face? (And would it kill her to wash and comb her damn hair?)
But just think, fellas: she's a Read more:answer
The soundtrack to the movie of my life 2007-01-19 04:45:08
I totally hijacked this meme from my darling Gabriel at Modern Fabulousity because I was enchanted by the idea. Here's how it works:
You're given a list of scenes, from opening credits to end credits, each of which must have a song.
Open iTunes and set it to shuffle.
Hit play and see what pops up for each scene.
Make up a title and pick a cast.
So, here's my cast:
Angelina Jolie as me (oh, like you didn't see that one coming)
Ewan Macgregor as Jason
Helen Mirren as my mom
Greg Dulli as himselfOpening Credits: "To Make a Friend, Be a Friend" by David SedarisA painful tale of adolescent angst, written and read by the incomparable Sedaris. Not a great beginning for a film, though. It almost dares you to keep watching.
Waking Up: "She's a Beauty" by The TubesMy hand to God, I didn't cheat on this one. But as J can attest, I am anything but a beauty first thing in the morning. I love this song so much, I halted the meme long enough to listen to it twice. (I sang h Read more:movie
1-2: Because you can't spell "mangeant" without "mange" 2007-01-18 04:32:29 Well, the honeymoon is over. I knew sooner or later New York would return to her obnoxious form, and I'd resume actively disliking her. Oh, well. At least I learned a new word this week: "mange
ant." Yes, it's a beauty pageant for men.
Sadly, I can't remember if this reaction is to Onix's fineness, Romance's spaz-dance, 12-Pack's abs or Mr. Boston's bare ass. Oh, yeah. Brace yourselves.I've got to say, this show has already given me many moments of delightful absurdity. For instance, let's enjoy the cognitive dissonance here:
Yeah, nothing says "health consciousness" like doing a bench press while puffing on a Marlboro. Go for the burn there, 12-Pack. Similarly bizarre is this outfit sported by Whiteboy, as New York announces the impending mangeant.
What the hell is he wearing? Is that a monk's robe? Is it one piece or two? Did he steal the uniform of a UPS worker several feet taller than himself? Does he realize he looks like a burnt Ball Park Frank standing uprig Read more:spell
The most shallow Golden Globes post ever 2007-01-16 22:44:32 This post isn't about the film and TV honors given out last night; it's not about handicapping Oscar season; it's not even about the GoldenGlobes
broadcast itself ('cause I forgot to watch). It's about how the people who attended looked in the photos I snagged from Yahoo this morning (photos provided to Yahoo by NBC and/or Steve Granitz/WireImage.com).
For instance, Helen Mirren looked glorious, from the incredible color (everyone should wear peacock blue every chance they get) to the jewelry to that great "it's in the bag, bitches" gleam in her eye.Once again, Mirren proves that it's damn good to be the queen. She won Globes for playing *both* HRH Elizabeths.
Globes in stereo and a smooch from Terence Howard: screw the monarchy, it's good to be Helen Mirren.
It was also very good to be Eddie Murphy, not only because he won a much-deserved Globe but because he and his date looked stunning.
Here's how to dress for the Globes if you're a guy: work the texture Read more:shallow
Helpful home hints from hell 2007-01-16 02:02:40 If you've ever gotten a yen to make your own golem but can't figure out where to find the raw materials, may I suggest your shower drain. In between hosting a Showgirls party and installing a garbage disposal this weekend (we hacksawed through the sink pipe; we are freaking gods), Jason and I bought one of those zip-it drain cleaner doohickeys. My shower had seemed somewhat clogged lately, so we decided to try it out there first.
This is what we found. It's an aggregate of several hauls, each one of which felt like landing a bigmouth bass. After the second lump of hair and... something, I started laughing hysterically out of sheer terror. "That came off of me!" We ascertained that it wasn't going to seek revenge, took a quick photo to remember it by, then hustled it into a plastic bag and out of the house. Hours later, Jason was still remarking on its smell.
Yeah, I know: we had a party for the most exuberantly bad movie ever made, then an epic battle with the undersink plumbin
Radio static 2007-02-06 23:14:33 I was planning to do a first-listen review of the new Used album today. Unfortunately, Berth is a live CD/DVD with no new songs on it. And while all 8 of the songs are good ones, and The Used are a great live band, I'm just not as thrilled as I would be for a new studio album. I'll probably blog about Berth eventually, but I'll have to put my hand to it first; I couldn't find it in either of the stores I checked today. Damn, it's hard out here for the world's oldest living Used fan.
In lieu of playing a new album on the 'Pod in the car this morning, I did something I don't often do: I listened to the radio.This is a dodgy prospect in southeastern Virginia. Not only do the various tunnels break up radio signals, but most of the rock stations seem to choose their playlists from the category "top alternative rap-metal hits of 1998." Fact: several stations play at least one Limp Bizkit song every week. That tremor you feel is me shuddering. But I could still find some relatively c Read more:Radio
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RIP, ANS 2007-02-09 04:49:29
I just wanted to offer my respects for the late Anna Nicole Smith. Her life was pretty erratic -- often entertaining, but occasionally heartbreaking as well, especially with the death of her son Daniel hours after the birth of her daughter Danielynn.
I actually had a hard time finding a photo of ANS where she wasn't visibly drunk or at least partially naked. In almost all her pictures, she was working the pinup poses, even when mostly clothed, and that seemed somehow disrespectful. Smith's sexuality was definitely a huge part of her public persona, but I like to think that an important part of her private persona was being a mom. Here she is with Danilynn. Below is a shot of her with Daniel. (I like to think of the two of them being reunited now. I know that makes me a sap and a cheeseball, but it ain't like you didn't know that already.)
Rest in peace.
Children of a lesser Todd? 2007-02-09 04:36:30
At least once a day, I grumble, "Damn kids" (often in a thick drawl). I don't actually have kids, or even semi-regular contact with anybody else's kids, but I find that they make a handy scapegoat for everything under the sun. I wouldn't be surprised to find that some of the designers in this week's episode of Top Design might have uttered my little catchphrase more than once, especially considering that quite a few of their children's bedroom designs were worthy of condemnation.
Oh, yeah. They're back in the bottom two.
Okay, I'm still wary about picking any kind of favorites based on early episodes, but I'm really developing a soft spot for some of the folks on this show. For instance, Goil is in the running to be my favorite designer, given the creativity and energy he brings to challenges. Look at him; he made a maquette in his 30 minutes of allotted design time! I also love that he thought of his room as being interactive, moveable and "more than it appear Read more:Children
Like a fine sausage: choice links 2007-02-09 16:10:48 Over at the Carnival of Cinema, there are a lot of great posts about various movies. Some really thoughtful, well-written stuff. Why they included my Oscar post, I'll never know.
If you've enjoyed the critter pictures, you might like the feline magnificence on display at the most recent Carnival of Cats (my apologies for not linking to this sooner).
And if my recaps of Top Design leave you wanting more, you can't do better than Pink Navy. The knowledge and creativity of Miss XaXa and Charlus is matched only by their charm.
There's also this thing. Enjoy! Read more:links
Your Miss VD 2007! 2007-02-12 22:26:53 This week, I'm going to celebrate Valentine's Day the way a dog celebrates a brand new pile of poo: by rolling around in it until I stink of high-sucrose-content chocolate and perfume sample cards.
And what better way to honor a day that seems to bring the creepy gender-role stuff out of the woodwork than to declare a muse for this week, our own little goddess of love and beauty? Who could possibly exemplify the modern celebration of Valentine's Day better than the world-famous celebrity whom I hereby dub Miss VD 2007?
(Wait for it...) Oh, like you didn't see that one coming! Who else could possibly be Miss VD other than Britney? In a way, she personifies Valentine's Day as it's presented in pop culture: she's shallow, she's clueless about love itself, she falls for the wrong people at record speeds and makes extremely bad choices as a result (not that she makes that many great choices when single), and she's cheesy as hell.
So the next time you get creeped out imagining t
On second thought, YouTube can blow me 2007-02-12 21:34:46 Arrrrgh. I used to love YouTube
, but apparently they had to kill me -- or my account, anyway. In what has got to be the most sweeping case of a company's cutting off its nose to spite its face, YouTube has disabled the accounts of several bloggers that I know of (including the amazing Rich from fourfour) for posting copyrighted material. As Rich so astutely points out, copyrighted material is why people go to YouTube in the first damn place!
Damn. I'll have to see what Flavor of Love and I Love New York videos I managed to save onto my external hard drive, then find a safer place to put them. This well and truly sucks, and the only silver lining I can find is the near certainty that YouTube has shot itself in the foot by removing its main reason for existence. Read more:thought
Maybe one is the safest, most sanitary number 2007-02-13 20:48:47 My beloved single readers, tomorrow might be a tough day for you. You've had the whole Valentine's Day nuttiness thrust at you from all corners for the past couple of weeks. There's pink diggity everywhere you go; diamonds and flowers are being marketed especially aggressively; and good luck finding a table anywhere other than a Taco Bell tomorrow night. That is, of course, after you've watched even your most unappealing co-workers receive flowers or other goodies from their poor significant others. Yeah, tomorrow might be a little rough, especially if you're unhappy about your present unattached status.
But I'm here to help. These videos will remind you that sometimes, it's much better to be alone. It's also overwhelmingly less oily."Just The Way I Planned It" is a little-known gem from the '80s, sung by Tubbs himself. My best friend Felicia turned me on to this, insisting that I watch it so she'd have a partner in horror. She posits that at least one backup dancer slipped Read more:Maybe
, safest
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Ain't talkin' 'bout love -- oh, wait, I am 2007-02-14 16:27:18 Woo hoo! My new friend Ashley at Radio Allegro has posted a new Valentine's Day podcast, "Love Is a Many-Splendored Thingamagig," in which Ashley, Gabriel from Modern Fabulousity, Nathaniel from The Film Experience and I dish about love, romance and pop culture. We cover the gamut from Bogey and Bacall to Flav and New York, stopping briefly at Brangelina, romantic dinners, celebrity crushes and "Trapped in the Closet." The podcast is also full of great music; we each got to select our favorite romantic song, and Ashley added lots of snippets to underscore our words. Give it a listen!
While the chat lasted about an hour and a half, it was, wisely, cut down to about half that length (minus the music), so a few topics that we discussed didn't make it to the final podcast. So I'll blather about them here. Oh, come on, there's a link to a fantastic cake recipe if you stick it out!When going through my collections of movies and music in preparation for the podcast, I was forced to confr
1-5: The balls and the bees 2007-02-16 05:29:18
Well, it looks like my theory about I Love New York episodes being like Star Trek films, in that every other one bores me, is holding steady so far. This episode was really kinda drab despite the presence of:
a one-on-one b-ball tournament
a threesome date
an allegedly orgasm-inducing massage
a balcony scene
not one but two insect attacks.
The editors performed their usual magic, but they only had so much to work with.
And remember, no matter what you might think, none of these screen shots are scenes from a porno. With Heat out of the picture, 12-Pack has to find a new lesser dude to take under his lats -- er, wing. He selects Mr. Boston, who's been picked on since the series started. 12-Pack seems to think that if Mr. B just beefs up, his social problems will be solved. I don't think that'll do much for the general pall of social ineptitude that engulfs Mr. Boston, but what do I know? I can barely bench 80 pounds.
And yet, I suddenly feel brawny and strapping.
Ch
Sun, sand and stupidity 2007-02-15 22:32:23 Is it just me, or is there something a little cruel about airing an episode about beach cabanas while the northeast quarter of the country is covered in sleet? (Totally unintentional, but still, a tad cruel.) It's as if Top Design were mocking everyone who's had to thaw out a frozen-solid dog dish this week. But things weren't all hot and sunny; while Michael's improved attitude has taken him off my irritant list, Carisa and Ryan have both barged their way onto it.This is one of those team challenges that competition shows like so much and I like so little. I understand that putting people on teams automatically increases the amount of drama, but as I've said before, I don't watch this shit for the drama, I watch it for the creativity, and dividing 9 people into 3 teams means we get 2/3 less creativity in that episode. Grrrrrr.
What do we get instead? People snipping at each other and damaging their team, people not challenging wobbly ideas and damaging their team, and on occas Read more:stupidity
Out-of-Blog AutoReply 2007-02-17 00:00:00 Greetings to my five regular readers! J and I will be in the bosom of weirdness known as Austin, Texas, for the next few days. We'll get back on Tuesday, which means new stuff will probably appear 'round Wednesday-ish. In the meantime, feel free to look through old posts or consider visiting Austin yourself. See you soon!
Bawled is beautiful? 2007-02-21 23:08:06 Dammit, dammit, dammit! I go out of town for a few days and Britney goes flat-out insane on me! I was enjoying a reunion with some friends Saturday afternoon when someone said, "Hey, did you hear? Britney Spears shaved her head!" And I said, "No way! She may be out of her mind, but she's not that insane!" (Another friend piped up, "Doesn't she have kids or something?")
But according to reports of the Great Shave of Aught-Seven, Britney did, in fact, behave like she'd lost her damn mind when she rid herself of a foot or so of chemically abused hair. She demanded a chair at a salon that wasn't open yet, announced her whereabouts to the paparazzi and waited for them to show, insisted on getting The Curly 'do, then grabbed the clippers and shaved herself while she cried a little. When a photographer asked her why she was shearing off her hair, she said, "Because of you."
What the hell, man?! And that's not even counting the rehab shenanigans!Based on what I've pieced together fro
Bald, bumbershooted and batshit 2007-02-23 01:56:14
Wow. It's getting even weirder. According to news reports, Britney was put back into rehab last night after a particularly awful scene near Kevin Federline's house. Not only did she show up at K-Fed's place, ringing the bell and demanding (fruitlessly) to be let in, she went on a rampage against a paparazzi and his SUV at a nearby gas station.
(I swear, the only thing crazier than this is the Anna Nicole Smith hearings. Crying judges! Lawyers passing out! Witnesses being sworn in over the phone! I wouldn't be surprised if the rulings were declared not legally binding due to sheer wackiness.)
Frightening pictures and unnerving video after the jump.(These pictures are taken from x17 online, which is damn near impossible to access right now.)
Damn. I would back the hell away from her if I were that photographer.
My God, she looks -- wait, are those pearls she's wearing? With a hoodie? Oy. Anyway, I can't tell if it's the flash or what, but her pupils look kinda dilated to
Single-celled decorating 2007-02-22 23:24:01 As I've noted before, my faith in my own ability to divine the substance of a person's soul based solely on tiny video snippets shown on reality TV has been sorely tested. But I feel like I'm getting my groove back on that one. To wit, this week's episode of Top Design managed to reinforce my opinion of just about everybody. And given my theory that reality TV exists to make us, the viewers, feel better about ourselves, the show has accomplished its mission admirably.
Incredibly, this was not the least appealing look from Ryan this week.No, that honor belonged to the shot of Ryan indicating his lack of concern with the competition or his detractors by blowing a raspberry and flashing the double finger. Has a sober person over the age of 22 ever done that unironically? More and more, I'm starting to think that Ryan was somehow suspended in a cryogenic helmet contraption, so his body aged to 35 but his brain remained resolutely stuck in the eternal bad-assitude of an 18-year-old
1-6: Princesses and palookas 2007-02-23 17:31:13 This episode of I Love New York celebrated the extremes of gender stereotypes, from a frilly pink princess party to a boxing ring spattered with blood. So I guess it's no surprise that everyone came out looking ridiculous and at least slightly dehumanized. Oh, wait. That happens just about every episode, doesn't it?
Yeah, that seems about right. The episode opens with Whiteboy proclaiming his joy at the gradual winnowing down of the dudes, saying that there's less noise in the house.
I dunno. I'm getting a lot of volume off that bedspread.
The dudes meet downstairs, where Chamo delivers a note from New York. Chamo isn't given much to do on this show, so I've taken to creating alternative storylines for him. My current favorite is that on his off-hours, he brokers international arms sales but donates his commission to peace organizations out of guilt. He wants to get out of the business, but he knows too much for anyone to let him retire ... and live. Anyway. Chamo gives t Read more:Princesses
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