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"Dickweed, table for one!"
2007-03-24 05:26:25
Dammit, Top Design. I came thisclose to loving this episode! On the one hand, it's finally (finally!) an individual challenge, so I get to see more of each designer's personal style. On the other hand, I simply did not need to see that guest judge. And poor Goil is coming apart at the seams again. Hang in there, bowl-of-noodles guy! The five remaining designers meet Todd Oldham for lunch at a secluded table in a popular restaurant. Todd explains that this is the "chef's table," a private table for celebrities and very special guests. If you've watched any of Being Bobby Brown, the greatest show ever to air on television, you can think of it this way: it's the table where Whitney and Bobby eat. They've gone into some high-end restaurants, but they're almost always the only people there, and that's because they're at the Whitney-and-Bobby table. Yes, I know they're divorcing. That in no way impacts the table's new name. This week's challenge is to design a Whitne


1-10: Misty Pootie-colored memories
2007-03-28 18:45:38
This recap will mostly be video clips tied together with the flimsiest of prose. Unlike the disappointing clip show from Flavor of Love's second season, this episode of I Love New York is almost like a valentine. It's a tribute to loves lost, loves let go and loves giving lap dances to the gay sidekick. I sense that the editors are as fed up with the cast as I am, and have decided to let us know the varying degrees of ick that permeated this set. Yeah, couldn't be the Newports.New York scratchily explains her vocal difficulties as well as her heartsickness, then takes us back to the beginning. No, not her audition tape for Flavor of Love. No, not her first rejection. No, not her second -- we go to the audition process for this show, okay? New York and her moms weed through the tapes sent in by aspiring MySpace stars, and one in particular stands out. See? Like I said a couple weeks ago, 12-Pack is mainly attracted to himself. Mr. Boston makes New York laugh in his a
Read more: Misty , memories

8-5: Dead sexy
2007-03-28 03:43:55
I know it's been forever since the episode aired, but I've had a hard time getting juiced about this season, and this episode in particular creeped me right out. I'm used to a certain amount of exploitation and objectification of the contestants; after all, that's what modeling is. But I think ANTM finally went a decomposing hair too far with this week's shoot. Almost as appalling as the "dead is the new hot" photo shoot is the fact that the episode was kinda ... boring.Well, the first part of the episode wasn't boring. Renee vows to be a nicer person, and to indicate her kindness and generosity of spirit, she gives Jael a drawing -- prefacing it with "I don't mean this in a bad way," which always puts the ol' hackles up. The drawing is a strange anime-style doodle of a short-haired girl in a straightjacket. An untied straightjacket, Renee hastens to point out, which makes it okay. This is like watching some kind of primer on abnormal psychology. Jael takes it in stride,


Hotel hell
2007-03-29 22:52:41
Actually, I wouldn't call this episode of Top Design hell. Unless maybe it's that Sartrean hell in No Exit, where you're just stuck with people being themselves for eternity. (Fact: I once tried to create a "Hell Is Other People" cross-stitch for my apartment. Never had the time to finish it.) Matt is still quiet, still doing his understated chic thing; Andrea is still overthinking things and shying away from vibrant colors; Carisa is still being a brat and griping about her carpenter; Goil is still looking at everything in a new way, but is perilously close to losing his mind. And Kelly? She's Mrs. Roper.In keeping with the "hospitality industry" theme begun with last week's chef's table adventure, the designers are challenged to create a luxury hotel room that caters to travelers' needs. Once again, Goil must once again acknowledge the limits of his experience: "I've never designed a hotel room. I've stayed in a few, though!" Bless him.
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8-6: Cross-dress for success
2007-03-31 06:10:08
My tempestuous relationship with ANTM continues. On the one hand, Sears??? On the other hand, I was quite entertained by this week's photo shoot. On the one hand, the shoot bore almost no resemblance to anything an actual model may have to do. (On that same hand, the CW website has yet to post candid photos from the episode.) On the other hand... I think I'm falling for Natasha. It's a complicated thing we've got, baby.And as one crush begins, another one ends. Whitney really just pushed it too far with talking smack about Natasha's marriage. Whitney, whether or not you believe that Natasha's marriage isn't legitimate because she doesn't wear a ring or that it's a horrible idea in the first place, it's still her marriage, not yours. And saying that kind of thing while she's in earshot is hurtful and tacky. What are they teaching you Ivy Leaguers? I mean, yeah, there is something creepy about the idea of mail-order brides, but the creepitude is entirely on the husba
Read more: Cross , dress

She's makin' her move, she's got nothin' to lose
2007-03-30 22:50:35
Look out, she's single again. Britney and K-Fed hammered out a divorce agreement yesterday, making one or both of them closer to being official deadbeat parents. Now, maybe I'm being a little stodgy about this, but it seems to me that 8 days after one's release from rehab isn't the ideal time to sign a legally binding document that will affect one's wealth and offspring. But I'm not Britney! (Or, thank God, K-Fed.) Nobody knows the details yet. News reports say that the divorce settlement "covers child custody and financial matters." Which is like saying that a shirt covers your torso; it's so obvious as to be meaningless. But at least it's one more hurdle conquered in Britney's quest to rid herself of K-Fed. And now, back to partying! (And I think you know what that means: awful pictures after the jump.)More and more, Britney is starting to remind me of Chris Pontius, "Party Boy" from Jackass. I keep thinking of the bit where the gang is in Tokyo and an old man is ab


A quick note to commenters
2007-04-02 14:45:29
I've noticed that the blog readership is growing, which is great. But not all readers are fans, so I've had to delete a few nasty comments lately. Here's the thing: if you think I'm wrong about something, feel free to challenge me on my take on it, but do so respectfully. That means not calling me a "stupid bitch" or suggesting that I need to "get a life and get over [my]self." Similarly, if you don't think something is particularly funny, leave a comment with what you would have said instead. There's always room for more humor on here. If your comment is nothing but insults, profanity and/or hate speech, I'm taking it down with no hesitation and no apologies. If you leave another, similar comment, I'm banning your IP address so you'll have to shit on someone else's floor. Fortunately, this doesn't apply to the vast majority of commenters, just to a tiny, unpleasant minority. Basically, don't be an asshole. That's my job.


1-11: Yaaaaaawn--WHAT?!
2007-04-04 23:31:12
This episode of I Love New York did a number on me. Yeah, yeah, they told me in the previews that the finale would blow my mind, but I didn't think they'd actually be right. I figured we'd have a typical finale with the exotic locale and the day-and-night-long dates followed by a lot of soul-searching and monologuing on New York's part, followed by the inevitable choosing of Chance and the tearful departure of Tango. I was right about maybe 40% of that, and way, way wrong about everything else. My reaction to this episode has been so strong that to adequately convey it, I must resurrect an old shot of the departed Rico: That's my take on most of this episode.We begin with Tango and Chance packing to go to Playa del Carmen, Mexico. They sort through their stuff and -- Damn. Did a sorority blow up in Chance's room, or does he just need to do some serious closet-cleaning? The dudes and New York fly down to Mexico. When they arrive at their product-placed destina


Why I hate America
2007-04-03 21:57:40
Well, I don't hate them, per se, I just don't understand how they racked up the success they did, and I change the channel any time I hear one of their songs, and I just sort of generally can't stand them. Wait, what? No, no, I didn't mean it like that! Fine country; lovely people. But the band, dear Lord. I was reminded of my profound anti-America nism weekend before last, when J and I found ourselves watching part of The Last Unicorn out of sheer inertia. What motivated me to change the channel? This song.That first line, "Horizon, rising," produced a grimace and shudder that cracked J up from across the room. And yet, America seemed like the perfect match for The Last Unicorn: mystical-ish but not really, entertaining in a brain-killing sort of way, firmly rooted in the era of avocado-colored appliances and roach clips. Seriously, how did these guys reach the top of the charts? I figure maybe people were really busy in the early 70s, doing stuff like macrame and initiating


Is Top Carl on yet?
2007-04-05 18:39:08
You'd think the penultimate episode of Top Design would be more exciting, more suspenseful, more... interesting. But no. The three remaining designers do almost exactly what you'd expect them to do in pretty much the way you'd expect them to do it. The ending isn't even unexpected so much as it is disappointing. Even Kelly's outfit isn't excitingly bad (although I do wonder why Margaret Russell decided to make a dress out of a sauna suit). Foo.I'm not quite sure why they picked this particular challenge for this stage of the game. Do you really want to determine your top two folks by how well they take "inspiration" from a magazine cover? Well... I guess in a designer's day-to-day workings, they probably do get clients who hand them a photo and say, "I want it to look like this but different." (As a half-assed graphic designer, I used to get that all the time from product managers. Made me want to throttle them.) But it doesn't seem like a challenge designed to spar


8-7: A girl named Brown
2007-04-06 23:04:11
My willingness to suspend my disbelief varies when it comes to ANTM episodes. Sometimes, I can say, "Eh, sure. Yeah. This might actually have some bearing on their work as a model someday." Other times, I just stare at the TV and occasionally say aloud, "Why the hell are they doing that?!" I thought that response had reached its zenith with the drag photos, but this week's itinerary for the girls really took the prize. From start to finish, this episode made no damn sense. Well, maybe the elimination did, a little tiny bit, but the rest of it? The "lesson"? The challenge? The photo shoot? Every bit as ridiculous as the four faces of Tyra here. (Check out "empathetic"!)We open with what has become the expected bitching from Renee. This time, it's Jael and Sarah she finds most annoying: Sarah for getting a prize she didn't deserve the week before and Jael for being loud. It's nothing new; it's just our weekly reminder that Renee, despite that "turnaround" she claimed a couple we
Read more: named , Brown

Songs stuck in my head, pt. 1
2007-04-10 20:16:38
(This could be an endless series, 'cause the worst possible crap gets locked on in the jukebox of my mind.) Today, I have what is, arguably, one of the worst songs ever to taint the airwaves of AM radio stuck in my head. You know what I'm talking about: "Loving You (Is Easy 'Cause You're Beautiful)." It's awful! It's insipid, it's inane, it's sleazy and it's seriously shallow. It's also physically painful to listen to in parts; this song could, conceivably, kill someone with a big enough metal plate in their head. You can't do it for karaoke, which ... actually, might be a slightly mitigating factor, now that I think about it. That's the truly horrifying thing: the Minnie Ripperton version is the best version possible of this loathsome song. Check it out here, done with strings and a classically-trained soprano -- it's even worse! The sleaze seems oilier when sung with perfect diction! Even the soul poured into it by a contestant in what I think might be a Vi


Less talky, more zombie!
2007-04-09 19:06:41
There's definitely such a thing as too much of a good thing. Especially when it's not so much that as it is "too much of a thing that's much better than you thought it would be in some ways, but mind-numbingly bad in other ways." In other words, I think they might have gilded the lily in making Grindhouse a double feature. Caution: There are SPOILERS aplenty in this review, so you might not want to read much further if you prefer to be surprised. You also might not want to keep reading if you think Quentin Tarantino can do no wrong.Of course, part of what makes Grindhouse so delightful is its nod to double features of days past: the "prevues of coming attractions," the utterly unappetizing ad for the restaurant next door to the theater, the animations that connote an R rating as a panther instead of a frolicking kitten. The trailers, in particular, are genius, from Danny Trejo as Machete to the all-purpose horror warning Don't (with Will Arnett as the announcer -- aweso


Death from above?
2007-04-12 04:26:15
J and I have taken to watching the Sci-Fi Saturday night movie... on purpose. Honestly, when it's 9 p.m. on Saturday, you're tuckered out from yard work and you just don't feel like going out, oftentimes your best bet on TV is going to be whatever schlock masterpiece the Sci-Fi channel is airing. We've seen some classics in our time: Mammoth, Dragon Sword, Mansquito, Frankenfish, Ice Cream Man, and the Yeti Trio (Sasquatch, Sasquatch Mountain and Abominable -- all of which, incredibly, have Lance Henriksen in them). So we were expecting something pretty special with this week's offering, Kaw. (You know, "caw," like the sound a crow makes.) Unfortunately, Kaw actually plays its ridiculous plot straight, resulting in a movie that tries to create terror but only comes up with a feathery mess. I've also come to think of the movie as The Turds. Looks all creepy, right? The movie starts out all spooky atmosphere as the camera pans over frost-parched fields. Then it lu
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The dauphin of design is crowned. Yippee.
2007-04-12 22:57:16
Once again, a season finale has delivered a touch of drama where I least expected it. I thought for sure Matt was the anointed winner, the Golden Child of Top Design. But near the end, there... I wondered if maybe Carisa's bold, energetic design might snake the win from Matt's classy, yet boring loft. I mean, honestly, this is where the magic happens in Matt-land. Woo hoo. I was close, but thoroughly wrong, about the final challenge. Instead of designing a space for each other, they're to design a space for themselves. The final test is how well they convert a gorgeous 1700-square-foot loft into a place they'd like to live, work, do whatever it is Matt might or might not do in that sterile bedroom, etc. Already, I have a pretty good idea how things will look. Their budget for this project? $162,000. The prize for winning Top Design? $100,000. Am I the only one who finds that a little... lopsided? What I'm not sure of is how they both manage to go over budget. Carisa grumbl


8-8: Action!
2007-04-14 23:00:27
First, let me apologize for how brief this recap is. It's been a busy week, and frankly, this was a lame episode. One thing I've got to give ANTM: they find a new way to be silly with the photoshoot just about every week. This time, they had previous ANTM contestants return to recreate "infamous moments" in the show. It's like an especially dispiriting Career Day at a vo-tech school. Oh, yeah: and the acting challenge. 'Cause nothing releases the muse like a wacky hat!Okay, let's breeze through this mother. Blah blah blah, Renee's trying to be nicer, blah blah, time for the acting challenge, blah blah, hats. Blah, challenge part 2, blah blah, Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite, memorize a script, bad acting, bad acting, Renee wins! And she picks Dionne to share in her bounty! Oh. Well, at least they don't say "NeNe" and "Brown." (Although I might buy an "I voted for Wholahay" t-shirt.) Oh, but wait! The real prize comes the next day, when the families of t
Read more: Action

The first casualty of pet ownership is dignity
2007-04-16 21:17:00
"Good news!" I crowed jubilantly into the phone. "Emily pooped!" How did I come to this? One of the reasons I've given for not having kids just yet is that I don't want to be intimately involved with the excretory functions of anyone but myself. But sooner or later, as a pet owner, you're gonna have to go there. It's just part of mammal stewardship, I guess. Last week, the digestive tracts for our cats were at cross-purposes. Emily was all bound up, while Mojo's bowels were liquid fire. Mojo's condition was totally my fault; canteloupe is his absolute favorite food, but I still shouldn't have fed him so much of it for so many days in a row. After a trip to the vet that surely took years off the lives of everyone involved, Mojo was on the mend, but Emily was still bottlenecked. After she got particularly lethargic night and day, J (bless him) took Emily back to the vet, where she was X-rayed. Sure enough, there was a logjam in Emily's canal. The doctor g
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The (diffused) heat is on
2007-04-16 17:35:23
This first episode of Shear Genius was full of surprises. The primary surprise being that I quite enjoyed it, and found it had a lot of the zest that Top Design was lacking. The next surprise was that Jaclyn Smith, age 61, looks freaking incredible.All over the TV blogosphere, folks have been snorting for months now about how ridiculous the idea of a competitive reality show about hair is. I've been one of them. But lo and behold, there's a strong competitive streak in all these contestants, and that, mixed with talent, personality and ego -- which are not remotely distributed evenly among this group -- makes for some pretty good TV. Throughout the show, I was reminded of a 2001 comedy about a hair competition called Blow Dry. The film tried to tackle a bunch of social issues, but it was at its best when it focused on the hair -- and when it didn't have Josh Hartnett trying to affect an English accent. Like Shear Genius, the competition in Blow Dry had different chal


1-1: Skank-away camp
2007-04-18 18:46:49
Oh, of course I'm recapping Charm School! Did you ever think I wouldn't? I've stuck by this godforsaken franchise for so long, I couldn't leave it now. Besides, Charm School turned out to be some of the best TV I've seen in a while. I'm gonna warn you: this is going to be long. I'm going to go off on many tangents, make several sweeping pronouncements with no basis other than my own half-assed opinion and spitball a lot about the characters of people I've never met. I know; what a surprise!We begin with an introduction of our 13 contestants, as well as a handy reason for explaining why some of them are here (besides, y'know, the siren call of the TV camera).     In my writeups of Flavor of Love, I referred to all the female contestants as "the skanks," (or sometimes "the skanks and Goldie") because that was pretty much how they presented themselves. But some of them have discovered that that strategy tends to
Read more: Skank

1-12: Third time's the charm?
2007-04-17 22:51:09
I'm starting to get a weird feeling of deja vu for these reunion shows. This is the third such show I've watched in about a year, so no wonder they're all kind of running together. I imagine there'll be some stupid video, some mortifying moments of hubris, some "hold me back!" faux fighting and several "oooooooh!" calls from the audience. (It occurs to me that I've just described a typical "Maury" episode, and frankly, that messes with my head a little.) This is also only the third time I've seen LaLa. Maybe one day I'll understand why she's on TV.The show opens with the typical pan over the returning contestants. Hi, Onix! (You're still too good for New York.) Bonez, my favorite! (Ditto re: too good.) 12-Pack kisses his one true love. Lunkhead see, lunkhead do. I'm not sure if Trendz realizes that his demo is kind of a punchline or not. I'm also not remotely sure I care. What -- I'm sorry, what am I looking at? Is tha


Color them badd
2007-04-20 04:32:14
Ironically, I colored my hair at home just before watching this episode of Shear Genius. Now, I realize this is like comparing brownies from a box to brownies made from scratch in a kitchen with no measuring cups or spoons, but what does it say that I did a better job with color than most of these professionals? I mean, you'd think Tyson here would know all about bleaching hair, but apparently not.Last week, I said I hoped future challenges would involve working with color. And like a magical frost-n-tip genie, this show granted my wish! The "short cut" challenge involves taking a mannequin head of hair from "Level 1" (darkest brown or black) to Level 8 (strawberry blond) or lighter in 2 hours, which is an insanely short time to do that. This is how clueless I am about all things beauty school: my first thought was, "But how can they bleach mannequin hair? Isn't it plastic or something?" So I guess there's real hair on those heads... but I'm not sure I want to know
Read more: Color

8-9: Natasha glows and Jael blunders
2007-04-21 04:58:35
Damn. Once again, I must lead with an apology. Not only am I pressed for time, the CW web site has no portfolio pictures from this week, and most of the candid shots are underwhelming, too. So in keeping with the theme of learning something new from travel, I'm going to simply list a few things we now know that we didn't know before this episode. I swear, ANTM, sometimes I don't know if I love or hate you, or some twisted combination of the two.Things we have learned in our trip to Australia: We know that the Tyra show has a new correspondent: my girl Natasha ! Yeah... I know. Her English could use a little lot of work, but her exuberance and goofy affability should take her pretty far. Natasha also doesn't mangle an Australian accent anywhere near as badly as you might think. Yippee? We know that Brittany has mild brain damage after getting staples in her skull after a car ran her over in high school. That wasn't the reason I thought she was going to g


8-10: Clip service
2007-04-28 21:07:28
Ordinarily, I wouldn't even bother blogging about a Top Model clip show, but the contestants this season were so genuinely entertaining, I can't help myself. Seeing how great she looks in this wig made me wish that those long extensions had worked for Jael. Ah, I weep for what could have been. Or maybe it's the booze.Mostly, this episode made me wistful for the girls who have been eliminated. Remember this sweet, but dim, beauty? I do, bad weave and all. She was part of the fake fashion show the girls had on one of their first nights in the ANTM house. Highlights: Felicia (I miss her the most) as Baby Ty. Sarah as a goth rocker (who is, interestingly, called "Grandma" -- ouch!!). Natasha in ... whoa... blackface. I guess the Af-Am girls in the house were okay with that. Well, seeing as how Cassandra (miss her too!) is in whiteface, I guess it's all good. Aw, and Kathleen as "Tiffany," the Ivy League bimbo. Unfortunately, Ka


1-3: Shags and shears
2007-04-28 20:16:04
Two things almost got cut this week: Evangelin's model's head and my dear Dr. Boogie. Nearly as tragic was what did get cut: the ever-cuddly Theodore and a bunch of shag haircuts. On the one hand, I'm impressed that Bravo's legal team got this moment to occur, let alone be shown on TV. On the other hand, I'm kind of unnerved that they did it. That is one hell of a waiver! The ShortCut challenge is a little too self-referential for me. Sally Herschberger is apparently best known for giving Meg Ryan a choppy shag haircut (kinda like the one Herschberger sports herself), and the challenge is for the stylists to watch Herschberger do the cut and then recreate it on their practice head. On the one hand, I see the benefit in watching someone do the thing they do best. On the other hand, I just don't get the shag. I tend to see it as the unholy offspring of the mullet and the Farrah, and I'm amazed it's so popular. Herschberger's version involves a lot of "sectionin


1-2: What does Emily Post say about a bad wig?
2007-04-25 23:11:37
Your take on this episode of Charm School could be influenced by how much reality you credit this show as having. If you think it's a genuine competition of self-improvement, you'll probably think that the judgments reached in this episode are total bullshit. But if you think it's all completely ridiculous, totally scripted and not remotely related to reality in any way, shape or form... you'll have a pretty good time. Scout's honor!The episode opens with Becky having to withstand Heather's song stylings. What song is she murdelyzing? "Mary Had a Little Lamb." No, really. The background music is really throwing me off there, but even so, that kind of behavior from a roommate is just uncalled-for. Mo announces over the loudspeaker that the girls are to report to the library for the day's lesson. Woo. Somebody's not a morning person. The girls meet Colette Swann, their etiquette instructor, who simply cannot have been born with that name. (Or maybe s
Read more: Emily

The week in Britney
2007-04-24 22:12:54
Well, actually, it's much closer to a month. For the past few weeks, I've come across pictures of Britney looking absolutely awful every few days, and I'd save them to my hard drive, thinking, "Oh, I've got to blog about this!" But then I'd get so wrapped up in TV blogging that it seemed I'd never catch up. However, we've now reached critical mass in terms of mortifying shots of Britney. I can no longer procrastinate bringing you these sights, although you might wish I had once you've seen them. (Actually, that's not completely fair. She looks okay in a couple of the -- well, in one of them, when it's cropped in close.) I'm not even going to get into the insanity of what all Britney has said lately. I'm just going to stay here in the shallow end.I'm going to attempt to get these in semi-chronological order, but I can't make any promises. Let's lead off with what I like to call "Color Gone Wrong," in which our heroine sports a fluorescent pink dress a


And the cycle of abuse continues
2007-04-30 21:52:49
I have received some truly disturbing news. Applications for a second season of I Love New York are now being accepted. And all I can think is this.
Read more: abuse

1-3: It's a bird, but it ain't paradise
2007-05-03 18:12:37
I'm gonna tell you up front: this episode of Charm School didn't entertain me to the level I have come to expect from a Flavor of Love-related show. I'd probably feel quite differently if I found fat people funny, but as I'm kinda one myself, the humor of backfat was pretty much lost on me. For once, I'm going to agree with Larissa: this episode ain't all that. (I will not, however, threaten to kick its ass if it or any of its friends look at me the wrong way.)The day begins with Monique calling the girls down to the great hall and instructing them to "dress to impress." Oh, sweet cupless corsets, I shudder to think what that might involve with this crew. Schatar ponders whether to wear "evening couture" or "business couture." Let's see... camo pants, bellydancing sash, a strong showing by the Pepto-Bismol end of the spectrum. Yeah, that suitcase is lousy with couture! Saaphyri, meanwhile, is having some wardrobe malfunctions of the self-administered vari


File under "not even trying"
2007-05-02 22:13:54
Supposedly, Britney Spears is trying to get her career restarted after taking a couple of years off to be a walking punchline. Frankly, I don't think this has anything to do with her wanting to return to any kind of professional discipline. I think it's because now that she needs to pay K-Fed child support, she's gotta get a stream of income going again. Which is really a shame, because my advice to her (had I thought she'd take anybody's advice) would have been to just hang around the house for about 6 months. Get a lot of sleep, take excellent care of her health, get to know her kids, spend some time listening to the creative voice inside her -- well, listening for the creative voice, anyway; there probably isn't one there. But nope; gotta feed the kid-raisin' meter, so back to the stage she goes. And it's even more of a shame once you realize how pathetically little she's doing on that stage. Here are a couple of clips from her House of Blues "performance" Tuesday nig


Because the greatest love of all is happening to me
2007-05-02 03:19:09
(Or, I believe that eyestrain is my future.) I may never leave the house again.


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