Owner: The Global News Terrorists URL:http://theglobalnews-terrorists.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Mon, 21 Jan 2008 10:31:53 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Ignore the title we are a spoof newspaper that looks at the days news and turns it on its head Site statistics:Click here
Police Investigate Toilet Terrorits War Of Turds 2008-03-07 09:38:00 The Avon and Somerset Police
are investigating a spate of violent toilet related incidents in and around the Bath area. A number of attacks have been made of a toilet kind at certain toilet facilities in the area. Police have unfortunately been combing the area for clues to the culprit's identity.Chief Inspector Colin Faggot confirmed today at a hastily arranged conference, “This person or thing concerned has to be caught no matter what. The amount of damage that has been caused so far is astronomical to say the least. We have been studying the evidence very closely but to date we have not had a breakthrough yet. Our top forensic officers have picked through the evidence but to no avail. The toilets near the Avon Street Coach Park has been the straw that broke the camel's back I am a Read more:Investigate
, Toilet
, Turds
Brown Condemnes Uniform Abuse Near RAF Base 2008-03-07 09:13:00 Prime Minister Gordon Brown
condemned Uniform
Abuse at RAF Base in Cambridge today. Some locals it would appear have taken umbrage at the recent state of some of the uniforms worn by young RAF recruits. Squadron Leader, Horatio Bracegirdle confirmed that his men have been subject to verbal abuse by some locals but passed this of as a one off incident as it was just some of the village people expressing their feelings over the war.
Jacqui Smith unveils timetable for revised ID card plan 2008-03-06 06:17:00 Home Secretary Jacqui Smith
shows off her new ID Card. The Home Secretary has stated in the press this morning that she believes the new controversial ID Cards are a step in the right direction. She mussed over the professional quality the photo image gives and feels that in no way would any master forger be able to tamper with her new card. Read more:revised
A Smack In The Face For Children 2008-03-06 05:45:00 A school has been accused of taking political correctness too far after it allowed its young pupils to be photographed whilst in the possession of the illegal drug Ecstasy in the classroom. The controversial picture was produced for a school newsletter recently. Many parents have complained about the matter to Parent Governors Association as they deem the pictures upsetting and political madness gone wrong. We were unable to speak to any of the teachers at the school concerned but did manage to by a small quantity of drugs outside the school grounds after 3.30pm.The head teacher at the school concerned in Crew has denied that Smack
has been freely given to children on a daily basis albeit for those who have been naughty in the classroom. Read more:Children
Down On The Farm 2008-03-06 05:39:00 Winnie the pig joins farmers outside Downing St, London. Pig Farmers gathered to protest against supermarket price rises on pork products.
Look Good For Jesus 2008-03-05 09:49:00 Ever wondered what Jesus
used to use when he wanted a bath? then look no further for this blasphemous cleaning product has recently been seen on sale in the Far East. What next, " Cleans the mind shampoo." or "Throw the first stone" Kidney and Gall bladder relief medicine?"We asked the retailer who has had the product removed from his shelves due to complaints from religious groups about the idea behind the products.Mr Harry Ho confirmed, " It came to me in a vision whilst sitting in my bath one evening. I thought to myself that I was cleaning my body and wondered to myself did God ever have a bath? I then hit on the idea to produce my own bath and household products. Unfortunately I have been asked to remove some of my products as some locals felt it was going too far. I only hope my ne
Hillary Goes Fishing And Nets Herself A Big Win 2008-03-05 02:50:00 Hillary Clinton Netted herself a huge win last night to keep in the race for the Democratic Candidate for the Presidency. We are not sure if the hand gesture indicates the size of her win over Obama or if she is asking her husband former president Bill Clinton for one of his famous hand rolled cigars? Read more:Hillary
, Fishing
The New Face Of Camilla Is Pop Star 2008-03-04 11:54:00 After the long wait it has been announced that Madonna has been declared the new face of Camilla
Parker Bowles Beauty Products (c).The ageless songstress who is nearing her 50th birthday this year puts her youthful looks down to a regime of exercise and healthy eating.The chief executive of Camilla had this to say about the lucrative deal Madonna has signed with his company."It is a testimony to the Camilla product range that Madonna has signed this 3 year deal. We are very pleased indeed and hope to have her face on our products shortly. No one can say after looking at Madonna that she hasn't kept her looks over the years. We feel this endorsement is a win win deal."
Worker Caught Having Sex With Henry Hoover 2008-03-04 06:35:00 A Polish worker has come up with an unusual excuse after being caught in the act with a vacuum cleaner.The building contractor claimed he was cleaning his underpants with HenryHoover
when he was found naked and on his knees in a hospital's staff canteen. A stunned security guard stumbled onto the man in the middle of a compromising act with the cleaner, which has a large smiley face painted on its front and a hose protruding from its "nose".The contractor was supposed to be locking up the building site near the Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital where his firm is refurbishing administration offices. The security guard, suitably horrified, told the man to "clean himself and the hoover" before asking him to leave and informing his bosses. When later questioned by his employers, the m Read more:Worker
, Caught
, Having
, Having Sex
Fruity Bat Births Surprise Park Keepers 2008-03-03 15:03:00 A colony of fruit bats at a wildlife park in Essex surprised their keepers with some unexpected deliveries. Staff at the Tropical Wings park in South Woodham Ferrers, near Chelmsford,thought their Egyptian fruit bat colony was made up entirely of females. But the theory was blown apart in late January when eight of the 15 bats produced babies. The park's head of mammals, Fiona Martin, said the arrival of the young bats was a "complete surprise, I honestly thought if you had sex standing up you could not get pregnant but obviously you can if you are upside down" She also added: " I would urge people not to try to replicate this practices they could have a serious accident" Read more:Surprise
, Keepers
Cowell Stiffens At Viagra Deal 2008-03-03 13:33:00 Young at heart Simon Cowell
has confirmed that he was asked by the makers of Viagra to be the face of their new campaign. Mr Cowell 78, said upon hearing from his agent that Viagra offered to give him 1Milion for the deal, "That's a bit stiff!"Company bosses confirmed that the rejected deal offered to Simon Cowell had been a major let down for their company and that they were sorry that Mr Cowell couldn't see the bigger picture. Perhaps with Mr Cowell's age he wasn't able to keep fully commit himself to such a lucrative sponsorship deal
KKK In Baby Boom Experiment 2008-03-03 04:25:00 Disturbing pictures revealed today have shown how the Ku Klux Klan are preparing to increase their population through a massive birthrate explosion experiment amongst their followers.A secret undercover Global News Terrorists reporter has provided photgraphic evidence of this sickening experiment and we show it here to warn the world of this possible threat to world stability.Stay here for more news on this ongoing story. Read more:Experiment
School Report of Jesus Found On Skip 2008-03-03 04:20:00 Your Favourite newspaper has come in to receipt of an early school report for Jesus
. Top scientific experts have verified that the report is real and after much debate our editorial team along with our legal department have given permission to publish the very report for our loyal readers.Dear Mr & Mrs God.Well another term has ended at St Malachi’s School
and I am once again called upon as head teacher for the year to write to you with a report of how your child has been for the term. It has been as ever a rather fraught term as you can imagine with the many up’s and down’s that we as the teaching staff have to put up with. There have been a number of occasions this term that I was called upon to raise certain matters to the attention of Mr Trench the head master. Please don’t
Guantanamo Bay Gives Up More ugly Secrets. 2008-03-01 05:15:00 Officials at Guantanamo Bay have released footage of one of its inmates who until recently was a closely kept secret. Prisoner B has been held at the military base in Cuba for crimes against fashion and music. Reports have been made recently that a significant player in the war of terror had been kept at the reclusive camp since the Spice Girls cut short their world tour. Judging by the facial deformities the prisoner has been the recipient of a great deal of maltreatment. President George Bush has refused to say if this prisoner will ever be released stating that it is up to a military court to make that decision. Read more:Secrets
Pilot Sacked After Fly-by Stunt 2008-02-28 14:44:00 A British pilot has been sacked after performing a low-flying stunt with a brand new Boeing 777. Captain Ian Wilkinson flew the Cathay Pacific plane within 28 feet of the ground with its undercarriage raised, at Boeing's Seattle airfield.The aircraft was on its delivery flight and packed with the airline's VIPs.The airline said Capt Wilkinson, 55, had not sought or obtained permission for the fly-by on January 30, and had been dismissed. The co-pilot, Ray Middleton, has also been "subject to disciplinary actions" - understood to be suspension from training duties for six months.Pictures of the huge aircraft flying just feet from the ground were posted on websites including YouTube.The airline said: "We can confirm a fly-by event involving the delivery flight of a Boeing 777-300ER aircraft Read more:Pilot
, Sacked
Buckingham Palace In Menagerie Denial 2008-02-28 13:47:00 Despite weeks of denials from palace officials thermal imaging has now revealed that the royal family are indeed harboring exotic animals inside the royal residence. The animals thought to be collected by Prince Phillip while on various Safari trips have now been exposed to the world. The GAME is now up. The queen is said to be delighted with constant supply of manure that is now feeding the Royal gardens rose bushes.Posted by Eric Shun Read more:Palace
, Buckingham
, Denial
Police Bouncy Castle Stolen 2008-02-28 13:38:00 A bouncy castle used by the police has been stolen from a major crime scene. Police
are appealing for any witnesses to come forward. A Police spokesman said “ I don’t think the general public realise how important these bouncy castles are to us. When we are attend a major crime we could be there weeks working in grim conditions these bouncy castles help lighten the mood and give our officers a level of fitness.“ Someone out there knows who has stolen this and all we are asking is that they come forward.” There will be a major reconstruction of the events leading up to this on Crimewatch on BBC1 at 9pm tonight. Read more:Castle
Boris Under Attack After Stolen Moustache In Iraq 2008-02-28 11:02:00 Boris Johnson has hit the news again after it was stated in the daily Broadsheets that he confessed to stealing a souvenir from Iraq
.Mr Johnson admitted that in 2003 he had lifted the souvenir whilst in Iraq at the time.Boris was less than happy to receive a letter form the Metropolitan Police asking about his confession and believes his rivals in the race to become mayor of London are using dirty tricks against him. Mr Johnson at the time this article went to press had not confirmed if he would be returning Saddam Husein's moustache to the Iraqi people. Mayor Ken Livingston has denied any involvement in the matter. Read more:Boris
, Moustache
90 Mile An Hour Winds Blamed On World Record Curry Attempt 2008-03-11 16:28:00 The worlds biggest curry has been blamed for excessive winds hitting Britain. The largest Balti, which was produced yesterday afternoon in India has caused tremendous winds, causing millions of pounds worth of damage. Insurance companies across the country are bracing themselves for huge claims as the true cost of the damage is calculated. Read more:Winds
, World
, Record
, Curry
, World Record
You Looking At Me 2008-03-10 14:57:00 A cat has had the first cataract operation in the UK.Smuts the cat is recovering well at home his owner confirmed. However, he is feeling the strain of the 5 hour operation. Doctors at the hospital that operated on Smuts said he is likely to feel a lot of swelling to his eyes for a couple of days and should get plenty of rest at Homer.
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