Owner: Ode to Albatrosses URL:http://odetoalbatrosses.blogspot.com Join Date: Sat, 03 Feb 2007 10:28:21 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: The comparison of love to flight, and then my place in the scenario: feet firmly on the ground and watching as the other birds all fly away. Site statistics:Click here
Uncertain Death 1970-01-01 00:59:59 He promised me he would call. He has not done for two hours since I phoned him when he promised me he would call me back. It is getting on for midnight and I have to go to work at nine thirty tomorrow morning. That means I have to leave at quarter to nine, and that I have to be awake at seven thirty. That means that if he doesn't call me back within the next half an hour the next time I see him he will be a) castrated, and b) dumped cos I'm just in that kind of mood.In the spirit of not being completely unfair on the boy who I love and adore more than anyone else, and whom I would probably experience some very deep regret at having to castrate (he just wouldn't be the same) I have compiled a list of plausible excuses for his infractions that would allow me to postpone or even forget his punishments.He was buying me some sort of expensive jewellery when the jewellery shop was overrun by bank robbers. Unfortunately, before they could make good their escape, the police came and no Read more:Uncertain
Forever Being the Duck 1970-01-01 00:59:59 He had an excuse. It was a good one. It was not as good as the ones I came up with, but breaking down in the middle of nowhere and running out of battery while phoning people to get lifts home and cars fixed is unfortunately more than feasible.I’m using him like a safety blanket at the moment to stave off the depression that keeps on creeping up on me and catching me if I’m left with a moment’s contemplation. I’m using him, and more specifically sex, in the same way I used to use alcohol to avoid depression. Which is, of course, very bad for both of us and most especially our relationship. When I was depressed I abused alcohol. Now I’m depressed again and I’m abusing him.I love him so doing this to him isn’t fair. I shouldn’t have to see him all the time, and I shouldn’t freak out that he doesn’t love me if he takes a night off. I shouldn’t be depressed the whole time he isn’t around, and I shouldn’t threaten to throw plates at him simply because I’m Read more:Forever
Finding Peace 2007-03-04 02:39:00 Dear Numpty,Once upon a time in a land not so far from here, a rather strange bloke with hair like a shorter version of those hedgehogs people have outside their front doors to wipe their feet on, met a girl. That girl was naïve, slightly dumb, and utterly terrified of relationships and everything they entailed. In theory she approved of them, but in the sort of vague way that one approves of things that they never expect to actually happen to them. Like life sentences for people who commit murder, and abortion clinics.That girl was extremely stupid. She was so far out of her depth that she fell head over heels for that rather strange bloke with stupid hair. On her part, she later realised this wasn’t exactly the smartest thing to do. Unfortunately, by this point, the damage had been done.See, you’re nice enough in your own rather unique way, but react rather badly to women actually liking you. It seems you’re of the “she hates me, I want her” school of thought rather Read more:Peace
Time flies when you're having fun... 2006-05-22 18:28:00 "I wouldn't like to think that this had been one of those dates where you knew within the first ten minutes that it wasn't going to work out, and then spent the rest of the date looking at your watch and feeling really uncomfortable."I immediately shifted my arm so that it didn't look like I'd been about to check the time, and flashed him a nervous grin. "Of course it wasn't like that! I've had fun."He smiles, "Good, I didn't think, I was just checking, you seem happy enough."Well, he was at least good at summing up the date in one sentence. Though horribly wrong at both body language and having even a bit of a clue about me.It dragged. He was lovely, Confetti was hilarious, though marginally inappropriate as a first date film really, and the atmosphere was good. The only thing lacking was any chemistry whatsoever. Evidently he didn't feel the same. His parting comment: "All good things must come to an end... unfortunately." To which I hastily kissed him on the cheek and then r
Why even bother? 2006-05-18 23:20:00 I used to sit waiting for my phone to ring. I haven't been doing that recently. I guess He weaned me off that. Lately I really haven't cared. I guess it's due to my own insecurity, but I needed it to vibrate, I needed to be reminded that there was someone out there in the ether who gave the tiniest amount of a fuck about me. But recently none of it has mattered.And the irony is that now someone actually does care about me. I've always got someone who is talking to me, someone who cares that little bit. I don't have the Bastard who made everything go wrong, or Him anymore. The Bastard made me insecure, but it took Him to make me cry. With Him everything just sort of fell apart at the edges. Everyone seems to be under the impression that with us it was just sex. And I don't know, it seemed more than that at the time.There was a LOT of chemistry. But he also made me be myself. With others I'd felt so fake, like I was trying to be this person, this outgoing, happy person, who ever
Things I miss 2006-05-14 20:42:00 Holding hands Sex Phoning up and boasting about how brilliant I am because I've had a great interview, etc. Having someone tell me I'm sexy. Acting smug around my friends (who are now getting it more than me, so returning the favour). Looking into their eyes and thinking "I love you." Kissing in the rain Kissing over the bar Kissing anywhere Laughing at him for loving his car too much. Telling him you'd love a threesome: does he know any men who'd be interested? Getting Valentine's cards (though I know it's not February). Having to put heels on to kiss him. Falling off the bed and him pulling me back up with one hand because I'm so light. Being carried home on a saturday night because my feet are all cut up from my heels. Having arguments about which is better: Guinness or Southern Comfort? Him criticising me for reading Terry Pratchett, me criticising him for his inability to read the DaVinci code without falling asleep. Drunkenly both singi
Singupledom 2007-03-06 17:50:00 “Either you have to want to see me more, or I have to want to see you less.” My voice just sounded tired.He was sat on the floor after turning up at my door at around three. I was tired, I was drunk, and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. Alone. However, we had things to sort out. “Whatever the answer, things can’t continue as they are because right now it just really isn’t working.He didn’t look at me; he just sat there with his head in his hands. Until finally, a response was grudgingly forthcoming. “It isn’t that I don’t want to see you, it’s that there are so many things that I have to do and I just never seem to have time.”I looked at him in disbelief, “Like what??!”So he listed them, “I’ve got to keep you happy, I’ve got to keep all my friends happy, I’ve got to go out, I’ve got to go to the gym, I’ve got to keep my friends back home happy, I have to revise more to keep my parents happy. There just isn’t enough time.”Thing i
Ever After 2007-03-11 01:36:00 They never tell you when you start searching for something, that finding it will be a complete anticlimax. There’s nothing to write anymore because there’s nothing left for me to search for. I found a version of happiness finally.I guess it started when I went to Germany. At the time it was just another manner of escape, but it taught me so much. I learnt how to love, and more importantly how to be loved by two toddlers who still mean more to me than I ever expected. You can’t fake love at that age, it isn’t conditional or with back out clauses like the sort of love that adults learn to expect or give, it’s unconditional, pure, and fierce. It’s the sort of love that makes you scream someone’s name when you’re in so much pain and sorrow that you don’t even realise you’re screaming. It’s the sort of love that isn’t contingent on them loving only you, or marred by them betraying you because there’s no possible way they could betray you that would make you
Fucked 2007-03-29 01:37:00 We were the first to arrive back. The apartment was dark, empty, and thankfully silent. They would be back soon, but we had some time.I giggled drunkenly in the silence, laughing at the blackness, the solitude, and my alcohol enriched appreciation of them. I turned, pirouetting in my heels and making my skirt flap round my thighs as if caught in a breeze. Turning and grabbing his hand I dragged him in behind me letting the weight of the door close it with a bang. Tripping over chairs and tables I found myself on the sofa after crashing into or onto every other piece of furniture in the entire flat. Bemusedly I looked round at the general chaos I had caused, got confused, and decided I needed food. Standing up clutching the table for support I tried to step over his legs to get to the kitchen. Instead I found my way obstructed by him turning me around and pulling me down on top of him on the sofa. Surprised I looked at him in confusion, held and stopped from falling by his arms
Something 2007-03-28 00:16:00 At the moment due to an onslaught of rather unfortunate factors, I’m living with the enemy- my boyfriend’s rather contrary and antagonistic flatmate. I am not deliberately not updating this blog due to any ideas of saving you from having to read my daily whine (although the idea sometimes does appeal), I simply don’t have access to the internet as my laptop seems to have some problem with the local area network they have set up there. Therefore, my internet access is severely limited, and almost completely restricted to the next three days as over these three days I am briefly visiting the clan at home.Living with the Scottish bastard (on his own as everyone else has gone home for the month we get off for Easter) has been surprisingly easy, though I still think it an idea to avoid him when drinking. We have come to the conclusion that we don’t hate each other, but it is still to be foreseen as to whether we can put our differences about Matt aside. I.e. he wants me to stop
Ending in Tears 2007-04-10 21:29:00 I heard him come in the front door. The bedroom door opened a crack, he poked his head through the door slightly, and seeing my eyes open came hesitantly into the room.“Did we wake you?” he asked, a look of concern mixed with guilt on his face.“Yes.” I mumbled, blinking in the light from the hall.“Do you want me to go away?”My brain felt fuzzy, “What? Go away where?”“Do you want me to sleep on the sofa?”I groaned pulling the covers back slightly, “Matt just come to bed.”When he went out I wanted to kill him. He’d tried to say goodbye, bent down and kissed me, I didn’t respond to the kiss, just told him to get lost. It wasn’t major; so many other girls would have let it slide. But it upset me, that’s the way I work.Alone in an empty flat I did what I always do when I feel rejected; poured a large glass of wine and put on Moulin Rouge. After being marginally made sane by the wine and film, I ran out to Somerfield’s before they closed on me at eight Read more:Ending
, Tears
Things that make me happy 2007-04-11 23:17:00 I’m looking for:A spacious two double bedroomed apartment, fully furnished with washing machine and shower. Available to move in June 2007. EH8 to EH14. £600 or less pcm preferably. Ideally I would live by the sea. I like the sea. When planning things for the future like where to live, I like to take into account the biggest factor affecting my life: my insomnia. It isn’t that I plan my life around it exactly; it’s just that I’m so used to factoring it into major things like jobs and lectures, that I end up factoring it into where I want to live. There’s something about the sea, the noise, the breakers, the way they all fit together in a complex and intricate process that inevitably calms me down. I like to feel calm, it helps me sleep better.Unfortunately, I don’t think it will be possible to live by the sea. It’s just too out of the way and I still have to get to uni occasionally. There’s also the problem that it’d take a good forty five minutes to get t
Going Home 2007-04-28 02:41:00 I don’t know where home is anymore, there have been so many of them. So now instead of classifying it as one place in particular, I have chosen to classify it as moments where I felt secure, happy, and content; moments where I’ve felt loved and cherished. These are the moments that define how home should be for us, and the moments when I have felt most like I was at home when a specific solid place as home eluded me.Home is a hill in the dark with sheep on it and so many stars it’s impossible to estimate to within even a million. An expanse of open space filled only with my thoughts, my dreams, my memories, and an infinite number of sparks in the sky to give me the one thing I always lacked: hope. Home is a boy with dark curly hair and a worried smile. It’s a boy who stays up till three waiting for me to come home, and then spends the next hour patiently listening to my drunken rambles and handing me pints of water. It’s someone who’ll rub my back when I feel ill, leav Read more:Going
Butterflies 2007-04-29 02:52:00 There are thousands of things I can choose to do,Hundreds of places I wish to see. There are millions of people I’d like to know,And people I’d like to be. I can travel the world gathering experiences like dust;Can explore my own mind like a country untouched. I can do my own thing, learn everything,I can reach out for dreams unexplored.I want to be an author, a dancer, an artist, a paediatrician. I could be a lawyer, an art gallery owner, a secretary, or a yoga instructor. I want to do so many things, meet so many people, and go through so many men. I’d travel the world, staying as long as the experience is good, and moving on again when things go bad. Every sense would be heightened because everything would always be new. I’d flit through my life like a butterfly through a field of wild flowers; resting briefly on each unique one, but never staying long enough to get too attached. Yet I don’t. It isn’t because of any loyalty to my course, university or city. It isn
Bubble Wrap 2007-05-06 00:06:00 They tell you that history repeats itself. They tell you it, and you take examples of it, and you agree with them, and you don’t think about it because how could it apply to you? He tells me he’ll work harder, he’ll do better, and then he spends the day lying in my bed and I let him because I’m not his mother and it gives me easier access when he’s lying there naked just waiting for me. But he’s not gonna be here next year. I delude myself, pretend, but games of pretence are for children, and there’s only so long I can go before something too overtly in opposition to my pretences comes along and screws them all up for me.So my relationship once again has an end by date. It’ll be easy till June twentieth, it’ll be okay maybe over summer, but by august it’ll be coming to a close. It’ll be arguments and tears. It’ll be him trying to placate me, and me wishing he would stop and just start acting like an adult for once. And, as last time, I’m terrified of l Read more:Bubble
Toothache 2007-05-08 03:22:00 I kissed his eyelids, his eyes, wiped away the tear that had settled there at the corner, and wrapped his arms around me. "Matt? Promise me something?" He didn't want to talk to me anymore, he was upset, I was picking at the scab and causing us to fight over his soon to be absence again. "What?" "Just promise me that you'll come and see me anyway, even if I've got the boyfriends, and you've got a girlfriend so you don't need me anymore, just promise you'll see me anyway. You don't even have to shag me, we can be friends. Can we do that?" There was a long silence, "yes, definitely" He hugged me tighter to him, "we'll always be friends" I wiped away my own tears, "promise?" "Promise" He confirmed. "Promise promise?" "Promise promise" Now everything seems to come back to it. We'll fight and I'll get angry, ask him whether I should just start looking for a boyfriend now or would he prefer that Read more:Toothache
Godlessness 2007-05-16 00:52:00 I sit and stare at the screen, willing for the words to pour forth from my scarred heart; begging for some sort of literary release to alleviate the pent up emotion. It doesn’t come, and hasn’t for nearly a week now. Everything just seems to have fallen apart in the last few weeks, I’m losing my boyfriend, I fell out properly with his flatmate- I can’t even go over to his flat now, and my course is just slipping away. Everything is just flowing away from me in the same way it all seemed to fall into place not so long ago. And I’ve got the craving back.I need to leave. Anywhere, I just need to get on a plane and escape off to somewhere where none of it will be happening anymore. I know that it’s just another form of escapism, another way to pretend that I haven’t fucked everything up all over again. But I have. They threaten me every single week with being kicked off my course, and every week I make up an excuse, any excuse. And I gave up; I stopped making the exc
Ultimatum 2007-05-19 19:07:00 Dear [present boyfriend]I think I’m writing this because I can’t seem to make the words come out, and never want to, whenever I try to say it to you properly. I know- this is the cowards approach and I should really be a lot more grown up than this, but everything with me is always done better when written down, and it’ll just seem more coherent this way. So, for my laziness and cowardice I am profusely sorry, but maybe if I write it down it’ll make it easier to say when I have to anyway.You know that all the shit with [flatmate 1] has been bothering me for a few weeks now, really bothering me anyway. Unfortunately that was just the icing on a pretty rich cake; it’s been bothering me for a very long time, but you knew that too. The problem with all of it is that as much as I love you, and I do, I can’t seem to get over the fact that you’re acting as a ping pong ball with me hitting you one way, and [flatmate 1] and [flatmate 2] hitting you right back. At the moment w
Boyfriend on probation 2007-05-24 12:02:00 On Sunday I hated him. On Monday I dumped him. On Tuesday we went to the zoo. Some things in life aren’t worth fighting over, and some are. It’s been too hard, I’ve been too restless, and being with him was simply that little bit too much work when not being with him was none at all. When I knocked on the door he was waiting for me, jacket on, ready to go. I saw the flatmates over his shoulder, one called out, “Hey, where you going?”He replied back as he was leaving, “I don’t know. For a walk.”My outfit had taken me hours to assemble. It was a surrogate worry; worry about something pointless like whether you should wear jeans or a skirt, heels or flats, and you won’t have to worry about what you’re actually going to say. Eventually it ended up jeans and boots, a white shirt over a black tank top. When I got there I regretted it instantly- I was too hot and I’d told him we were going for a walk, the heels were inappropriate.Uncomfortably we walked around th
Enough 2007-05-26 18:46:00 “Let him know that you know best Cause after all you do know best Try to slip past his defence Without granting innocenceLay down a list of what is wrong The things you've told him all along And pray to God he hears you”The Fray, How to save a lifeHe has his own toothbrush, a blue Colgate one which stands in a cocktail shaker behind my sink right next to my matching toothbrush in pink. There’s two of his tennents sitting in my fridge and his football jacket is on the hook by the door. I’ve got a pair of flats sitting in his wardrobe for all the times I can’t be bothered to put last nights heels back on, and another toothbrush sitting next to his sink.His best friend (and flatmate- the nicer one) is my best friend’s boyfriend. We go on double dates and hang out in each other’s respective rooms and flats. I know all of their families; have met all the mothers, and the three of them live ten minutes away from each other back home. I’ve met the damn dogs, and have hea Read more:Enough
Enjoying the ride 2007-06-01 21:19:00 You can spend your whole life searching for something, a certain moment, a time in which everything is perfect. Or you can experience it immediately, never quite realising what you have until it’s gone and all you have left is the memory. Life is made up of millions of those perfect moments, but rarely do you notice they’re perfect at the time.I cuddled up to him, head pressed against his shoulder as we both looked out of the window of the bus at the changing cityscape. “Do you like me?” I asked looking up at him.He looked down at me and smiled, “Nope.”I pouted, “Why not?”“He laughed, “Of course I like you.”“Okay, why?”He sighed and looked back at the buildings going past the window. “I don’t know, because I do. Because you’re gorgeous. Because underneath your insecurities, anger, insults, and defence mechanisms I think you’re genuinely a lovely person.”I grinned and leaned up to kiss him. “Sweet, but unrealistic. I’m not nice at all, yo
The end of life as I know it 2007-06-09 20:33:00 He looked nervous when he walked in the door. I hadn’t seen him for most the week because he’d taken a trip home due to it being revision week and his ability to revise down here is severely stinted by his flatmates love of alcohol, and his own love of having sex with me and then sleeping most of the next day until he wakes up and wants sex again. When he turned up looking nervous I was hardly surprised, he always looks nervous when he comes over to see me because there’s always something that he’s done wrong. He’s a big kid, it’s never too important, just forgotten to pick something up for me, or came over late/ drunk. I stood up and kissed him, “What have you done?”He shuffled his feet, looked down at his hands, and bit his lip. The boy should never pursue a career as an actor; he’s as opaque as thin air. I know he’ll never cheat on me because he always looks nervous when he’s done something wrong, and he physically can’t lie- he just changes the subject
Of Rodents or Flowers 2007-06-16 18:18:00 I remember asking him what he wanted. I was breaking things off and wanted to know what the hell was going on in his head. I remember him turning to me with regret in his eyes and saying, “I just wish that things would go back to the way they were before.” At the time I thought him immature and felt it was a child’s plea, for the problems to just disappear and things to go back to the pleasant way they had been before mummy got mad.I’m trying to get through my end of year exams while sitting here thinking, “What the fuck is the point?” I know, I’m one of those horrible women who jumps from relationship to relationship, gets hurt, and runs away. I’m staying here because I haven’t quite been hurt yet. He won’t dump me, there isn’t yet any reason, it’s just going to be difficult for a long time and I have to decide how serious I am about him. He’s leaving uni so we don’t know what he’s going to do yet. If he sticks around here then it’ll be no probl Read more:Flowers
The last moment 2007-07-03 12:15:00 I’m standing on a bridge looking out of the water flowing so quickly beneath my feet. Its almost completely dark now, the dim closed shops only lit up by the street lamps framing each side of the road behind me. The rain tumbles down out of the sky onto my forehead, to get stuck in my hair and make dark marks on my jacket and jeans. I clutch the stone of the bridge, leaving wet fingerprints on the cold surface. I can’t concentrate because I know now, I can’t concentrate because of the tears and the pain and the knowledge that it’s all over; its time to leave- I’ve won.I knew it when we walked down that long path together to hand in my keys and leave the halls of residence phase of my life forever. It was the end of something, it was on my first day in those halls that I met him and became so infatuated, and it was on my last, as I stood outside the university reception that he turned to me with eyes full of hurt, confusion, and dread, that he said to me, “I think I’v
Cigarette Butts for Loyalty 2007-08-06 10:28:00 [Note- this entry is about a month old now due to lack of internet connection at new flat]I look at the room around me, the cigarette butts in a glass of only three quarters empty Jack Daniels and coke, the empty bottles of vodka, the clothing and makeup strewn in between empty wine glasses. The crumpled packets of Marlboro lights; the crate of empty beer bottles. I walk into my room. The bed’s a mess, the light’s still on from when I passed out at five am, Friends is frozen on the screen of my laptop and a large glass of water is sitting untouched beside the bed. I remember flashes of the night. A tall black guy approaching me at the crowded bar of some dimly lit club or other. His arm around my waist, deep voice whispering in my ear. “Come on baby, come with me, you’re dynamite.” I didn’t even pause to think “who even says that?”- I was past far too drunk and into totally out of my depth. I was in the sort of state where leaving with a guy isn’t something you Read more:Cigarette
, Butts
, Loyalty
Someday my prince will come 2007-08-21 10:32:00 “Why didn’t you want me to come to the wedding reception with you?” I asked lying with my head in his lap while he stroked my hair.He shrugged, “Because I heard about someone who had brought his girlfriend to a wedding and everyone had started asking when they were going to get hitched. It just seems like one of the steps to engagement and I don’t want you to think I’m going to propose.”I sat up, “What? You thought I wanted to get married?”He shakes his head, “Well I realised that you didn’t cos last night you told me you didn’t want to even think about marriage for the next ten years, and told me not to dare propose, but it still just seems like a step.”I’m not up for that. Give me days spent lounging in the sun pestering each other whenever we want attention. Give me alcohol fuelled nights of dirty dancing, touching the floor, and forgetting all responsibilities- those are things I can do. Give me dreams of the future but never thinking of “us” in Read more:Someday
Finding Something 2007-08-19 09:15:00 “I look at you and… I’m home. I don’t want that to go away, I don’t want to forget.” – Dory, Finding Nemo.I was right; we’ve been through a very rough patch. I don’t see him half as much as I want to- I don’t see him a seventh as much as I want to, but shockingly, so far we’ve got through it. I’ve grown to appreciate both an empty double bed and my own company, but I’ve also grown to appreciate time spent with him. I don’t need to spend an entire day in bed with him because that would be wasting his company, I’d rather spend time with him doing other stuff and just have sex in the evenings and mornings.And he’s moving in with me. It seemed the simplest and most rewarding solution. Of course it presents problems with my flatmate, with me living with him (slightly too serious a concept for me), and with everything falling apart. I’m terrified, he seems so enthusiastic, and I really am, honestly, I’m just petrified too. I think it’ll be great,
Three Words 2007-08-25 17:48:00 “I’m all depressed now, you mean the world to me and I don’t want to fight with you ever again. Promise I’ll make things happen as soon as possible.” I thought about pressing reply, but instead put the phone back in my bag.We had a fight, a big one. We’ve fought before, we’ve fought a lot before, but generally it’s a small fight or a big one when we’re drunk and we make up in the morning. This one however, was different.We made up, after both of us walking out at separate times, him walking out twice; we got through a few things. I’m sick of being left alone for weeks on end, being forced to wait around for a boy that lives too far away for any sort of proper relationship, but keeps me hanging by promising to come live with me, to make things so much better, to get himself sorted out with a job and a flat. He feels pressured. He thinks that I’m forcing him to move in with me when he’s not ready; he wants to do things at his own pace, in his own time. He s Read more:Three
, Words
The girl I lost 2007-08-28 19:52:00 I remember days when we wouldn’t even get out of bed except to bring back food or alcohol. We’d spend the time dozing or having sex until eventually rousing ourselves around seven to go through to the lounge or kitchen and drink before going out clubbing again. Chunks go unremembered as alcohol made me either too drunk or too hungover for any kind of memories to stick. But, from the broken shards that I still possess, I was happy.It was simpler. We didn’t fight or think about the relationship in terms longer than a few nights. We were there while the passion lasted and it was hot and furious, immediate and basic. Things weren’t thought about in terms of more than “want” and all we wanted was each other all the time. I don’t think either of us saw the other sober completely for the first month or so of the relationship, and we didn’t get to know each other properly for a while after that.I couldn’t go back to that. It was too much, amazing at the time, but too
I might back 2007-09-17 10:24:00 For a million and one reasons I’ve gotten rid of the blog. With my absolute inability to just get rid of things, you will notice that I only deleted the last year of my life from it. I’m not good at getting rid of things, I try and it just doesn’t seem to work, so I haven’t, I just deleted the posts that annoyed me.I’m not going to say that I’ll never write in this again because I don’t know that, and I can’t promise that old posts might suddenly reappear as I go through them better, but for the time being it’s gone.There are so many ways I want to express myself, and I love the blog because it lets me and I only have to write one entry at a time, it’s so much easier than a book, but it’s more of an unhealthy and egocentric kind of release. I write because I feel the need to have my feelings confirmed by others, that I’m doing the right thing, that I’m not, and I shouldn’t need that sort of confirmation. I DON’T need that sort of confirmation.I started
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