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CARIBBEAN UGLY COMPETETION 1970-01-01 00:59:59 One time they were having on ugly competition three women wanted to enter, a St. Lucian, Trinidadian and a Guyanese. They all went to the place to enter the Trini went first and got in then the Guyanese was next she also got through. After the St. Lucian went in, the person at the counter looked at the St. Lucian and said, "SORRY NO PROFESSIONALS".
BLACK SHEEP 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."The chief pauses for a moment then says, Read more:BLACK SHEEP
The Black Box 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Three Ladies - a Chinese, an American, and a Jamaican were going on vacation. They wondered what to wear in case the plane crashed.The Chinese woman said "I will dress in yellow, because yellow is bright and if plane crashes they will see me".The American woman said " I will wear red because its the main colour of our flag and the rescuers will notice me first.The Jamaican woman said " I will take off my clothes, cos de first ting dem look for is de black box". Read more:Black
PC VIRUSES SOUTH AFRICAN STYLE 1970-01-01 00:59:59 NELSON MANDELA VIRUS Stays locked away in some unused region of your pc for 27 years and then takes it over completely. WINNIE MANDELA VIRUS Extinguishes all data like a stompie. APARTHEID VIRUS Separates PowerPoint slides based on colour. The nice thing about this virus is that anything that goes wrong with your computer can be blamed on this virus.AFFIRMATIVE ACTION VIRUS A second rate virus that takes the place of a really good programme that was on your PC. In some cases the really good programme still hangs around and does all the work but the virus takes the credit.MINI BUS TAXI VIRUS Crashes through your PC with very little regard for the rules of the internet highway. Stops data traffic for no reason. Causes other data to explode. Doesn't have a software licence.STRIKERS VIRUS Stops your PC in the middle of crucial production runs. Also causes your PC speakers to toi-toi at regular intervals, and is always demanding more memory.MATRIC PAPER VIRUS This virus is a stolen versio
GHETTO GRAMMAR 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Leroy is now 21 and still in the ninth grade and was asked to do a simple homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given a set of vocabulary words to use in sentences. Here's what he came up with:1. HONOR ROLL - We was playin bidwiz on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.2. PLANET - I know this dude who got arrested cause he got him some seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard.3. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle, he said DISMAY hurt a little.4. FORECLOSE- "If I don't pay my alimony this month, I'll have more money FORCLOSE."5. MISTER- "My girlfrin went on vacation and I really MISTER."6. CATACOMB-"I went to the fight and sat next to Don King - now someone oughta git that CATACOMB."7. SODOMY-"When I go out at night, I like to have one bitch on one SODOMY and another bitcho n de other SODOMY."8. RECTUM-"I had two Cadillacs, but my girlfrin RECTUM both."9. AFFORD-"I wanted to buy a C
The Baptist Preacher 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A Baptist
preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this multi-racial congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a big breasted Black woman with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a my sister that you is a wizard under the sheets!" The preacher fainted.
WHO IS JACK SCHITT ? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.Sparks. They had one son, Jack.In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.The deeply religious couple produced six children:Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt,a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken
Denial 1970-01-01 00:59:59 TEN THINGS BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT10. Your pastor doesn't know everything.9. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.8. RED is not a kool-aid flavor (it's a color).7. Jesse Jackson will never be President.6. Breaks are usually only 15 minutes.5. Teeth should not be decorated.4. O.J. did it.3. Having a ring on every finger is too much.2. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.1. Tupac is dead.TEN THINGS WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT10. Rap music is here to stay.9. Kissing your pet is not cute.8. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.7. Thomas Jefferson had black children.6. N' SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson5.5. A 5-year-old child is too big for a stroller.4. Skinny does not equal sexy.3. Time out does not work on your kids.2. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.1. Elvis is dead. Read more:Denial
Kentucky Lie Chicken 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A man walked into a Kentucky
Fried Chicken
restaurant in Trinidad and "passed out" on the floor. People gathered around to help him by fanning and doing everything they could to help him regain conciousness.Someone peeled an orange and started squeezing the juice into his mouth,whereupon the man suddenly came back to life, pushed the person away and yelled, "Look nah man! If I did want orange, I woulda fall down in de f**king market!!!!!"
Mi Rolex 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A Jamaican opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police(American)arrived at the scene, the Jamaican was complaining bitterly about thedamage to his precious BMW."Awfissa, look wah dem do to mi Bimmah!", he whined. "You Jamaicans are so materialistic and Show-off, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!""Rahtid!!!," Replied the Jamaican, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was............. "Mi Rolex
"
The Beer Essentials Of Life 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific."One day, an Trinidadian, a Jamaican, and a Bajan walked into a rum shop together. They proceeded to each buy a Banks Beer. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their beers.The Trini pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Jamaican fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.The Bajan picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling. "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU IGRANT BRUTE!" Read more:Essentials
TWO DRUG DEALERS 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Two Jamaican drug dealers are being prosecuted in court. The judge gives the two an option. They can either go to jail for life or they have to get an admirable amount of other drug dealers to give up the drug trafficking. The both choose to stop other drug dealers form selling.Court is adjourned for two weeks. After the two weeks pass the two dealers appear before the judge. The judge asks one how many did you get to stop selling? The dealer replies that he stopped 100 dealers from selling again. The judge asked How? The first dealer replied that he drew two circles on the ground in front of the 100 sellers. One very large and one very small. He pointed to the big one and said ,"This is your brain before drugs!" then pointed to the small one and said, "This is your brain after drugs!"A very Interesting technique replied the judge. The judge ruled the first dealer free to go. He then proceeded to ask the second dealer how many dealers he got to quit. The second one said he got 1000 dea Read more:DEALERS
WINDOWS 2003 (JAMAICAN VERSION) 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Dear Customaz: It look like dem mek a mistake an ship out couple a copy a WINDO 2003 -YARDIE VERSION If you Fine seh yu ave a copy, No badder fret, Mi ave di pill fi de sickness (translatian fi di comand dem).Ere dem is: When yuh open di Yardie edition yu wi si di openin screen. It read: "WINDO 2003", wit a background picture of Halfway Tree Square.Wen yuh start di program yuh wi ear di Bad bwoy antem: "Murda-ra Blood de pan yu shoulda" By Buju Banton Please also note:Recycle Bin is labeled "General penitentiary."My Computer is called "A Fimi Own."The Inbox is referred to as "Barrel come."Deleted Items are referred to as "Ole Bungle"Dial up Networking is called "Ring mi Cellular."Control Panel is known as the "Babylon."Performing' an "illegal operation" is known as "Smuggling not allowedunless part a di Govament"Hard Drive is referred to as "Reema an Jungle."Instead of an error message yu wi si, "Wapp'n! Yuh Nu know wa yuh a do?"pops up.CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY INA DI YARDIE EDITION:OK Read more:JAMAICAN
NURSERY RHYMES - JAMAICAN STYLE 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Likkle Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her clothes not looking too good . It wasn't the spider that crept beside her, But Likkle Boy Blue with him hood . Jack and Jill Went up de hill to have a likkle fun. Idyat Jill forget she pill and now them have a son. Old Mudda Hubbard Went to de cupboard to fetch her daag a bone. When she bent over De daag tek over, And give her a bone of him own. Read more:JAMAICAN
SIMPLE MATHEMATICS 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Dear Wife:You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old secretary. I'll be home before midnight. When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:Dear Husband:You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.Your Wife
COLD WINTERS IN THE CARIBBEAN 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A lady goes on a vacation to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you," the black man says.Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" "I can't because you will make fun of me," the black man says. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says. "Fine, my name is SNOW," the black man replies.The lady bursts into laughter and the man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it". The lady replied, "It's my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean"
BLACK SANTA'S DILEMA 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Black Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.Black Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a sexy black women with her own hair says in a sexy voice, "Oh Black Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."Black Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Black Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."Black Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go,Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Black Santa... Please...Stay."Black Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gottago, gotta get the presents to the children, you know."She loses the panties and says, "Oh Black Santa... Please...Stay...."Blac
BRAGGIN' ONLY ONCE 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Canadian brags, "and this morning she couldn't stop telling me how much she adored me." "Last night I made love to my wife six times," the American replies, "and today she said she could never love another man." The Jamaican man remains silent, and the Canadian smugly asks, "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," says the Jamaican man."Only once?" The American snorts arrogantly. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Rass man. Yuh nah stop!"
RARSE: WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO YOU? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 How could we forget a word as important as RARSE and its many RARSE uses?1. RARSE is a good way to finish a sentence that lacks excitement...tekki back to RARSE! Gimme back to RARSE!2. RARSE can be used in biology eg.....Look pan di gal RARSE!3. It can be used as a warning of future troubles.... cover yu RARSE!4. It can ward off unwanted sexual advances....me nah gi yu me numba yu ugly RARSE! move yu RARSE from me, to RARSE!5. It can describe extreme pain....it hot nuh RARSE!me granny gi me some RARSE licks!6. It can describe size.....yuh foot dem big nuh RARSE!him have a RARSE mouth deh!As you can see RARSE is the West Indian all-purpose word. Use it as often as yu RARSE feel.1. Greeting...... How de RARSE yu do?2. Fraud.........Yu too RARSE tief!3. Dismay........RARSE! Trouble.......Oh RARSE!4. Aggression....Watch yu RARSE self!5. Disgust.......Cho RARSE!6. Confusion.....Wha di RARSE a gwaan!7. Incompetence.. A wha di RARSE yu a do....RARSE-idiot!8. Lost..........Whe di RARSE we deh!
FIRING SQUAD MISHAP 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Three men, a Jamaican, a Trinidadian and a Barbadian were given death sentences and scheduled to be shot at dawn. The firing squad assembled and the Barbadian was the first to face them.He thought furiously how he could save his life, and as the command : "Ready, aim..." was given he shouted "Earthquake!". Terrified at such a natural disaster, the firing squad ran away and the Barbadian escaped.When the Trinidadian's turn came, after "Ready, aim..." he shouted "Hurricane!". Again the firing squad was terrified and ran away and he escaped.The Jamaican smiled as he was led to the execution spot; he was sure he would escape. As the command "Ready, aim..." was given, with a broad grin he shouted: "Fire!"
THE RASTAMAN 1970-01-01 00:59:59 There's a Rastaman, a white man and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other in a train, with the girl in the middle. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a loud slap!As the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman looks perplexed while the Rastaman is sitting there looking angrily at the white man who is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.Everybody else in the coach is laughing at him. The white man is thinking to himself, "Damn it, that black guy must have tried to kiss the girl in the dark and she thought it was me and slapped me."The girl is thinking, "That man must have tried to take advantage of me in the dark, and kissed the Rastaman instead and got slapped. Serves him right."The Rastaman is thinking, "I-man hope dis train go though another tunnel soon so I-man can kiss the back of mi hand again and box dat bloodclart white bwoy one more time.
CHOPPING BUSH IN AMERICA 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A West Indian man was offered a job to do landscaping in New York. His new employer arranges for his flight, then calls him and reminds him to bring his tools. So the man packs and heads for NY. Upon arrival at JFK, security asks him to open his bags. As he opens one of the bags, a cutlass falls out. "Why are you coming to America with this for?" asked the officer. The man replies "I come to chop bush." Read more:CHOPPING
IF AIR JAMAICA WAS HIJACKED BY TERRORISTS 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Hijacker: Everybody this is a hijack..no body moves or Ill blow up this plane to pieces.Jamaican: Hey Batty Bway, siddung an mine a buss yuh rahtid head! A wi yaad wi a goan yuh a come blurtnaught talk bout hijack!Hijacker: I am serious ..dont try anything funny Jamaican boy.Jamaican:Mi blood fyah, unu hear di likle maama man a call big man bwoyCrowd: Bax dung di bwoy bredren ..Im dam outta arda an feisty! Lick im fi six my yout! 'Im renk an outah horda!A fight ensues. The flight attendants cheer on. The captain hears the rumble.. he exits from the cockpit.Captain: Hey Hey is what going on in here. Why unu beating up di farrin yout?Jamaican: Big man, di bwoy nuh come talk bout Hijack when im si seh people a try reach Kingston before midnight....so wi haffi discipline it prappa.Captain: Hijack?!!!Jamaican: Yes big man, ..im claim seh im a come blow up di plane an rae rae an a call big man bwoy afta mi tell im fi siddung..Mi hav a Stone love dance fi ketch 7:30 tinite an di bwoy a try h Read more:HIJACKED
LIVING IN PARADISE 1970-01-01 00:59:59 An Englishman, a Frenchman and a World Bank Economist are viewing apainting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden."Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Englishman. "They mustbe English!""Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They are both naked and beautiful.They must be French!""You are both wrong," says the World Bank economist."They have no clothes and no shelter. They have only Mango to eat and they're being told they're in Paradise.Clearly, they are Antiguans!"
IT MELTS IN MOUTH NOT IN YOUR HANDS 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A white guy and a Black guy died and were on their way up to Heaven and they had to stop at the Pearly Gates before they could enter. So the Angel Gabriel was there waiting for them, and he told them that they had to do something before they could go anywhere.He told the white guy to pull down his pants, so he did and Gabriel grabbed his dick and squeezed. It instantly melted. The white screamed in pain, and was sent downstairs.Gabriel told the black guy to do the same, and he grabbed his dick and squeezed but nothing happened.When Gabriel asked him why it didn't affect him, he said, "This is the type of chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hands".
RARSE: WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO YOU? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 How could we forget a word as important as RARSE and its many RARSE uses?1. RARSE is a good way to finish a sentence that lacks excitement...tekki back to RARSE! Gimme back to RARSE!2. RARSE can be used in biology eg.....Look pan di gal RARSE!3. It can be used as a warning of future troubles.... cover yu RARSE!4. It can ward off unwanted sexual advances....me nah gi yu me numba yu ugly RARSE! move yu RARSE from me, to RARSE!5. It can describe extreme pain....it hot nuh RARSE!me granny gi me some RARSE licks!6. It can describe size.....yuh foot dem big nuh RARSE!him have a RARSE mouth deh!As you can see RARSE is the West Indian all-purpose word. Use it as often as yu RARSE feel.1. Greeting...... How de RARSE yu do?2. Fraud.........Yu too RARSE tief!3. Dismay........RARSE! Trouble.......Oh RARSE!4. Aggression....Watch yu RARSE self!5. Disgust.......Cho RARSE!6. Confusion.....Wha di RARSE a gwaan!7. Incompetence.. A wha di RARSE yu a do....RARSE-idiot!8. Lost..........Whe di RARSE we deh!
FIRING SQUAD MISHAP 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Three men, a Jamaican, a Trinidadian and a Barbadian were given death sentences and scheduled to be shot at dawn. The firing squad assembled and the Barbadian was the first to face them.He thought furiously how he could save his life, and as the command : "Ready, aim..." was given he shouted "Earthquake!". Terrified at such a natural disaster, the firing squad ran away and the Barbadian escaped.When the Trinidadian's turn came, after "Ready, aim..." he shouted "Hurricane!". Again the firing squad was terrified and ran away and he escaped.The Jamaican smiled as he was led to the execution spot; he was sure he would escape. As the command "Ready, aim..." was given, with a broad grin he shouted: "Fire!"
SIMPLE MATHEMATICS 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Dear Wife:You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old secretary. I'll be home before midnight. When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:Dear Husband:You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.Your Wife
NURSERY RHYMES - JAMAICAN STYLE 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Likkle Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her clothes not looking too good . It wasn't the spider that crept beside her, But Likkle Boy Blue with him hood . Jack and Jill Went up de hill to have a likkle fun. Idyat Jill forget she pill and now them have a son. Old Mudda Hubbard Went to de cupboard to fetch her daag a bone. When she bent over De daag tek over, And give her a bone of him own. Read more:JAMAICAN
COLD WINTERS IN THE CARIBBEAN 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A lady goes on a vacation to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you," the black man says.Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" "I can't because you will make fun of me," the black man says. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says. "Fine, my name is SNOW," the black man replies.The lady bursts into laughter and the man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it". The lady replied, "It's my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean"
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