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A Black Women's Vocabulary 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" a Read more:Black
, Women
, Vocabulary
Practice Safe Fax 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.Q. What happens if I do t Read more:Practice
Three Black Contractors 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One wasfrom Trinidad, another from Barbados, and the third from Jamaica. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.First to step up was the Trinidadian contractor. He took out his tape measureand pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."Next was the contractor from Barbados. He also took out his tape measure andpencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."Without so much as moving, the Jamaican contractor said, "$2,700."The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You Read more:Black
, Three
, Contractors
Jamaican Old Age Test 1970-01-01 00:59:59 You know you are getting old if:1. You had an exercise book with Queen Elizabeth and her husband on it instead of a ring binder2. You used to listen to Rediffusion3. You wore Bata crepe to school and bought asham at the school gate4. You remember that the Lou and Ranny show used to come on at 7.00 pm on a Sunday5. You know what the initials T.A.D.P stand for6. You know who Tony Verity is7. You can name more than two of the characters in a jonkanoo band8. You know what boxing title Bunny Grant held9. You didn't buy gigs, yo yo's, kites or sling shots in a store but made them yourself11. You know what Fanta and Nu Grape is12. You know what a Woolsley, Humber and Zephyr are13. You got a washout and worm medicine at the end of summer holidays14. Your school graduation was called "prize giving"15. You still call Norman Manley Airport "Palisadoes"16. You still have a BOAC bag hidden somewhere in a closet17. You Remember when people used to go to the airport and come back with atwang18. Whe
The Parachute 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Once upon a time there was a small passenger plane that experienced some difficulty while flying from Montego Bay to Kingston and was about to crash.There were 5 passengers on board but alas, only 4 parachutes!!! The 1st passenger says, "I'm Francois St. Juste, the best disc jockey in Jamaica and the FAME FM team need me, so I can't afford to die." He takes the 1st pack and jumps from the plane. The 2nd passenger, Portia Simpson-Miller says, "I am the wife of a corporate executive, current deputy leader on the People's National Party and a potential future Prime Minister, I must live!!" So she takes the 2nd pack and jumps out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, Percival Patterson , says "I'm the Prime Minister of Jamaica . I have great responsibility being the leader of a nation and I am the cleverest Pr ime Minister in Jamaica's history, so the Jamaican people won't want me to die." So he grabs the pack next to him and jumps out of the plane! The 4th passenger, Bishop Hero Blair sa Read more:Parachute
20 LB BABY 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A Jamaican buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of the typical Jamaican baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "! Why? What happened? I thought you said he weighed 20 pounds at birth?" The Jamaican father takes a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "had him circumcised."
The Train Ride 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Three Americans and three Jamaicans are traveling by an AMTRAK train to a conference.At the station, the three Americans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Jamaicans buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American."Watch the ride my yute!" answers a Jamaican.They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Jamaicans cram into a restroomand close the door behind them. Shortly after the train is departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please"The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.So after the conference, the Americans decide to copy the Jamaicans on the return trip and save some money.When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the J Read more:Train
Jamaican Breakup Letter 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A Jamaican Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "break up"letter from his Jamaican girlfriend back in Kingston. It read asfollows:Dear Leroy,I caant continue dis relationship dred. De distance between us just toomuch man. I hav tu admit dat i cheat on yu twice since yu gon, and itjus not fair tu eeder ah us. i dead sorry. Yu think yu cuud return depicture of me dat i did send yu wen yu fus go ah iraq?????Love,MildredThe Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for anysnapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture ofMildred, Leroy included all the other pictures of the pretty girls hehad collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope…along with this note:Dear Mildred,I man real sorry, but i cant even remember who u is baby. But please picout yu picha from dis ya pile and den sen de rest back tu mi…. jus incase dese other gals ask fi dem pichas back tu seen.Tanks sweet Read more:Letter
THE JAMAICAN HELL 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds thatthere is a different hell for each country.He goes first to the German hell and asks "What dothey do here?" He is told "First they put you in anelectric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on abed of nails for another hour. Then the German devilcomes in and whips you for the rest of the day"The man does not like the sound of that at all, so hemoves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as theRussian hell and many more. He discovers that theyare all more or less the same as the German hell.Then he comes to the Jamaican hell and finds thatthere is a very long line of people waiting to getin. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?" He is told"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.Then the Jamaican devil comes in and whips you forthe rest of the day""But that is exactly the same as all the other hells- why are there so many people waiting to get in?" hea Read more:JAMAICAN
Product Warning 1970-01-01 00:59:59 NEW - Different color from previous design.ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.LESS FATTENING - Now doesn't have the same fat content as pig stomach lining.HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.NON-REFUNDABLE - We couldn't make it work long en
Lost in Africa 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A Jamaican man and American man got lost in the jungle of Africa
. A Tribe of bushmen got hold of them and gave them two choices, Unga Munga or death. The American chose Unga Munga. After realising that unga munga was a homosexual act the Jamaican shouted death, death, death, give me death. The chief then shouted - Death by Unga Munga
Victoria's Secret 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Grandma went into Victoria 's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new panties. The sales lady talked her into buying some real nice bright red crotch less panties. Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa to come home. When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out upon the bed and pointed down to the new crotch less panties she had on. She said: "Come on grandpa, you want some of this?" Grandpa said "He** no, it done ate a hole in your drawers!
Rastaman Divorce Hearing 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A Jamaican Rasta man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody" The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do you have to say in the matter?" The Rasta man sat for a while contemplating, then slowly rose. Your Honor, if I man put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it, "I and I' or the machine's? Read more:Hearing
One Wish 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of Dunn's River Fallswhen she stumbled upon a old empty bottle.She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genieappeared.She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish.She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie.The Genie said,"Nope, sorry three-wish genies nuh real,me is strictly a ONE-WISH Genie.So... what yuh want?"The woman didn't hesitate.She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map,I want these countries to stop fighting with each otherand I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans andvice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony. "The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed,"Lawd Lady, A wah wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE!Dem countries yah a war fi how much thousands of years.Mi shut up inna dis bockle fi 'bout five hundred of dem dey years.mi good but mi nuh dat good!Mi nuh know if mi can grant dis one. Do Lady, mek Read more:One Wish
Bus Full of Politicians 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A bus filled with Jamaican politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?" The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
"Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton": 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Nixon: Watergate Clinton
: Water Bed Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore Nixon: Carpet bombing Clinton: Carpet burns Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geek Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: No difference Nixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One" Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one" Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her Read more:Similarities
, Richard
, Nixon
, Bill Clinton
Cannibals and Politicians 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu... Broiled Missionary: $25.00 Fried Explorer: $35.00 Baked Politician: $100.00. The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?" Read more:Cannibals
Noah and the Ark 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man." "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!" Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark'scons
A Nigerian Lawyer In Heaven 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" Read more:Nigerian
, Lawyer
, Heaven
One cannot be serious about hosting the Olympics in South Africa! Imagine the headlines in the Press: 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Ethiopian pole vaulter still missing after strong South
EasterGangsters protest against refusal to participate in shooting eventAthlete mugged while carrying Olympic torchVagrant tries to enter discus event with hubcapBurning taxi on Signal Hill to be Olympic flameCaterers strike at Olympic villageGold medals lost in security scamOlympic trains delayed due to cable theftImportant Olympic documents lost in S.A.postSam Shilowa claims games a capitalist plot30% petrol price increase upsets Olympic budgetS.A.wins gold, silver and bronze in Toyi-Toyi event2000 Rapists and murderers released for Olympic goodwillSquatters occupy Olympic villageStadium cleared of sheep and goats before eventsStarting gun kills sprinterOlympic bus delayed on M2 after hitting cowOlympic bus sprayed with gun fire ??)Minister blames apartheid for chaosBoesak appointed trustee of Olympic fundOlympic games delayed - Zuma tests athletes for steroidsWinnie Mandela to referee men's boxingStarting pistols stolen, repla Read more:serious
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, Africa
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, headlines
, Press
, South Africa
Politically Incorrect Commandments 1970-01-01 00:59:59 God went to the Zulus and said, "I have Commandments
for you that will make your lives better."And the Zulus asked, "What are Commandments?"And the Lord said, "They are rules for living.""Can you give us an example?""Thou shalt not kill.""Not kill? We're not interested."So He went to the Xhosas and said, "I have Commandments."And the xhosas wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother.""Father? We don't know who our fathers are."So He went to the Coloreds and said, "I have Commandments."And the Coloreds wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal.""Not steal? We're not interested."He went to the Whites and said, "I have Commandments."The Whites wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery.""Not commit adultery? We're not interested."He went to the Indians and said, "I have Commandments.""Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?""They're free.""We'll take 10." Read more:Incorrect
Duties of Wives 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.Fitzroy had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.The third man had married a Jamaican girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he d
Am I Indian or Black ? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Little Jai Bayard comes from school one day. He puts down his bag in the kitchen where his mom is busy dishing out some curry for him. He presses the spoon in the curry looking quite depressed. He asks his mom, "Mummy, am I an Indian like you or am I a coloured like dad?" Neesha thinks that this is a question for her husband and tell Jaidan to ask his dad when he arrives home after work. Just after the Bold & The Beautiful, Derick arrives in his BMW. Jaidan ran to his dad and jumps on his lap as his dad sat in the couch. "Dad am I an Indian or a couloured like you?"" It does not matter if you are coloured or Indian. You are our child! Now why are you asking a question like that?" "I MUST know dad. The neighbour wants to sell his bicycle for R200 and I don't know should I bargain with him to bring down the price to R100, or should I just wait till its dark and go steal the bike." Read more:Black
True Gender of Object 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Mirrors are female because none of their reflections are really their own. Stamps are female because men like to lick them, stick them, and then send them away. Windows are male because they're a pane, and because you can see through them. Shit is male because the older it gets, the easier it is to pick up. Read more:Object
Men & Public Toilets! Ok guys, own up...which one are you? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger. Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not. Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later. Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy. Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink. Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot. Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do. Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants. Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing. Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering. Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing. Sneaky Type Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him. Sloppy Type Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjust Read more:Public
Advantages of older women... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 An older
woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think. An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him. An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea. An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes. There's no need to be phobic about "committing" to and older woman - the last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man. Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. Older Read more:Advantages
Ten Reasons Adam Was the Luckiest Man 1970-01-01 00:59:59 1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married. 2. He had no in-laws to drop in. 3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with. 4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers. 5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen. 6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe. 7. He never had to shovel snow! 8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal. 9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good. 10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map." Read more:Reasons
A black and a white guy in heaven 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A white guy and a black guy died and were on their way up to Heaven and they had to stop at the Pearly Gates before they could enter. So the Angel Gabriel was there waiting for them, and he told them that they had to do something before they could go anywhere. He told the white guy to pull down his pants, so he did and Gabriel grabbed his dick and squeezed. It instantly melted. The white screamed in pain, and was sent downstairs. Gabriel told the black guy to do the same, and he grabbed his dick and squeezed but nothing happened. When Gabriel asked him why it didn't affect him, he said, "This is the type of chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hands".
Types of Men Pissers 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Absent Minded: Opens his vest, pulls out his tie, and pisses in his pants. Clever: Uses no hands, shows off by fixing tie with both hands, looks around for admiration, and sometimes ends up pissing on the floor and onto his shoes. Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on the left, pisses into the one in the center, and flushes the one on the right. Desperate: Waits in a long time, teeth floating and feet shuffling. Starts to piss as he walks up to urinal but before he can unzip himself. Lets out a long groan and grunt as he finally gets to relieve himself. Disgruntled: Stands for a while, grunts, gives up, and walks away. Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand and pisses into his pants. Easily induced: Any thought, mention, sight, or slosh of a liquid, from sipping coffee to a runny nose, causes bladder to immediately signal full condition. Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both at once. Erect: Either because his bladder is full or he just saw a sexy woman, his penis is so erect
Ten Important Men In Woman's Life 1970-01-01 00:59:59 They are: Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off." Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide." Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?" Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?" Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?" Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in." Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots. Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering." Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?" Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
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