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LIVING IN PARADISE 1970-01-01 00:59:59 An Englishman, a Frenchman and a World Bank Economist are viewing apainting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden."Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Englishman. "They mustbe English!""Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They are both naked and beautiful.They must be French!""You are both wrong," says the World Bank economist."They have no clothes and no shelter. They have only Mango to eat and they're being told they're in Paradise.Clearly, they are Antiguans!"
IF AIR JAMAICA WAS HIJACKED BY TERRORISTS 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Hijacker: Everybody this is a hijack..no body moves or Ill blow up this plane to pieces.Jamaican: Hey Batty Bway, siddung an mine a buss yuh rahtid head! A wi yaad wi a goan yuh a come blurtnaught talk bout hijack!Hijacker: I am serious ..dont try anything funny Jamaican boy.Jamaican:Mi blood fyah, unu hear di likle maama man a call big man bwoyCrowd: Bax dung di bwoy bredren ..Im dam outta arda an feisty! Lick im fi six my yout! 'Im renk an outah horda!A fight ensues. The flight attendants cheer on. The captain hears the rumble.. he exits from the cockpit.Captain: Hey Hey is what going on in here. Why unu beating up di farrin yout?Jamaican: Big man, di bwoy nuh come talk bout Hijack when im si seh people a try reach Kingston before midnight....so wi haffi discipline it prappa.Captain: Hijack?!!!Jamaican: Yes big man, ..im claim seh im a come blow up di plane an rae rae an a call big man bwoy afta mi tell im fi siddung..Mi hav a Stone love dance fi ketch 7:30 tinite an di bwoy a try h Read more:HIJACKED
TWO DRUG DEALERS 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Two Jamaican drug dealers are being prosecuted in court. The judge gives the two an option. They can either go to jail for life or they have to get an admirable amount of other drug dealers to give up the drug trafficking. The both choose to stop other drug dealers form selling.Court is adjourned for two weeks. After the two weeks pass the two dealers appear before the judge. The judge asks one how many did you get to stop selling? The dealer replies that he stopped 100 dealers from selling again. The judge asked How? The first dealer replied that he drew two circles on the ground in front of the 100 sellers. One very large and one very small. He pointed to the big one and said ,"This is your brain before drugs!" then pointed to the small one and said, "This is your brain after drugs!"A very Interesting technique replied the judge. The judge ruled the first dealer free to go. He then proceeded to ask the second dealer how many dealers he got to quit. The second one said he got 1000 dea Read more:DEALERS
WINDOWS 2003 (JAMAICAN VERSION) 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Dear Customaz: It look like dem mek a mistake an ship out couple a copy a WINDO 2003 -YARDIE VERSION If you Fine seh yu ave a copy, No badder fret, Mi ave di pill fi de sickness (translatian fi di comand dem).Ere dem is: When yuh open di Yardie edition yu wi si di openin screen. It read: "WINDO 2003", wit a background picture of Halfway Tree Square.Wen yuh start di program yuh wi ear di Bad bwoy antem: "Murda-ra Blood de pan yu shoulda" By Buju Banton Please also note:Recycle Bin is labeled "General penitentiary."My Computer is called "A Fimi Own."The Inbox is referred to as "Barrel come."Deleted Items are referred to as "Ole Bungle"Dial up Networking is called "Ring mi Cellular."Control Panel is known as the "Babylon."Performing' an "illegal operation" is known as "Smuggling not allowedunless part a di Govament"Hard Drive is referred to as "Reema an Jungle."Instead of an error message yu wi si, "Wapp'n! Yuh Nu know wa yuh a do?"pops up.CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY INA DI YARDIE EDITION:OK Read more:JAMAICAN
THE RASTAMAN 1970-01-01 00:59:59 There's a Rastaman, a white man and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other in a train, with the girl in the middle. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a loud slap!As the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman looks perplexed while the Rastaman is sitting there looking angrily at the white man who is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.Everybody else in the coach is laughing at him. The white man is thinking to himself, "Damn it, that black guy must have tried to kiss the girl in the dark and she thought it was me and slapped me."The girl is thinking, "That man must have tried to take advantage of me in the dark, and kissed the Rastaman instead and got slapped. Serves him right."The Rastaman is thinking, "I-man hope dis train go though another tunnel soon so I-man can kiss the back of mi hand again and box dat bloodclart white bwoy one more time.
CHOPPING BUSH IN AMERICA 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A West Indian man was offered a job to do landscaping in New York. His new employer arranges for his flight, then calls him and reminds him to bring his tools. So the man packs and heads for NY. Upon arrival at JFK, security asks him to open his bags. As he opens one of the bags, a cutlass falls out. "Why are you coming to America with this for?" asked the officer. The man replies "I come to chop bush." Read more:CHOPPING
BLACK SANTA'S DILEMA 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Black Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.Black Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a sexy black women with her own hair says in a sexy voice, "Oh Black Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."Black Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Black Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."Black Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go,Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Black Santa... Please...Stay."Black Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gottago, gotta get the presents to the children, you know."She loses the panties and says, "Oh Black Santa... Please...Stay...."Blac
BRAGGIN' ONLY ONCE 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Canadian brags, "and this morning she couldn't stop telling me how much she adored me." "Last night I made love to my wife six times," the American replies, "and today she said she could never love another man." The Jamaican man remains silent, and the Canadian smugly asks, "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," says the Jamaican man."Only once?" The American snorts arrogantly. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Rass man. Yuh nah stop!"
10 Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer: 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The monitor is up on blocks Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them The six front keys have rotted out The extra RAM slots have Dodge Truck parts stored in them The numeric keypad only goes up to six The password is BUBBA There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive The keyboard is camouflaged And, the best way to tell if a REDNECK has been working on a computer is...... The Mouse is referred to as a 'Critter' Read more:Computer
, Redneck
Pee By Number 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers. "1. Open your fly. 2. Take out your equipment. 3. Pull back the skin. 4. Do your business. 5. Let the skin forward. 6. Stow your equipment. 7. Close your fly." She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the outhouse door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7." She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5." Read more:Number
Return From Africa 1970-01-01 00:59:59 * A man returned from Africa
feeling very ill. He visits a doctor who immediately admits him in a hospital where samples are taken for lab tests.An few hours later the phone in his hospital room rings and he answers it."We have received the results from your tests, the doctor says from the other end of the line. "But bad news , you have Ebola"."Oh! My God," cries the man. "So what am I going to do?""Dont worry. First we are going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread," says the doc."Will that cure me?""No but it's the only food we'll be able to get under the door," says the doc. Read more:Return
Ten Hot Plays Coming To Town 1970-01-01 00:59:59 10 --- Lord, Momma Done Burnt the Chicken Again 9 --- I Ain't Seen My Daddy Since the 80s: Tales from the Ghetto 8 --- Menace II Society 2: The Return of Kaine, Tupac, Biggie, and introducing Big Pun 7 --- Momma, It's the 1st and the Check Ain't Here: A Ghetto Tragedy 6 --- A Tale of Two Baby Daddies 5 --- Momma, I'm Pregnant: Again 4 --- Momma, It's the 15th and the Check Still Ain't Here: The Sequel To The Tragedy on the 1st 3 --- WIC All-Star Revue 2 --- Lord, I Hate My Baby Momma: Starring Shawn Kemp and Bobby Brown - Headlining O.J. Simpson And the Number One Black Play coming to a Theatre near you is........................ 1 --- Who Drank All the **** KoolAid: A Ghetto Mystery Read more:Plays
The Dictionary Of Sex... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive women or spending time around children.EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.COLD - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.EYE CONTACT - many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.INDIFFERENCE - Read more:Dictionary
Sex With The Gorilla 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A small zoo in Trinidad acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating. The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. "Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?" he asks. The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: "First, I don't want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this" The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third. "Well," says the janitor, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500" Read more:Gorilla
Condoms and Liverpudians 1970-01-01 00:59:59 2 Black Liverpudians are talking... "Yo, how do you protect yourself from AIDS?" "I wear a condom all the time", replies the other. "Do you ever take it off?" "Yeah, when I go to the bathroom and during sex!" Read more:Condoms
IT MELTS IN MOUTH NOT IN YOUR HANDS 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A white guy and a Black guy died and were on their way up to Heaven and they had to stop at the Pearly Gates before they could enter. So the Angel Gabriel was there waiting for them, and he told them that they had to do something before they could go anywhere.He told the white guy to pull down his pants, so he did and Gabriel grabbed his dick and squeezed. It instantly melted. The white screamed in pain, and was sent downstairs.Gabriel told the black guy to do the same, and he grabbed his dick and squeezed but nothing happened.When Gabriel asked him why it didn't affect him, he said, "This is the type of chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hands".
I've Got Holes For That 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?" He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos." She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell." St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized." She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that." Read more:Holes
Barbie For Christmas 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, 'What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas
'? The little girl replies, 'I want a Barbie
and G.I. Joe'. Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, 'I thought Barbie comes with Ken'. 'No', said the little girl. 'She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.'
Rich Hooker 1970-01-01 00:59:59 One day a Jamaican man went on a buisness trip to Florida. He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?" The hooker replied "100 Bucks" The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money" So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs." So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had. The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?" She said "200 dollars" "200 dollars that's a lot of money" She pulled him to the side and said "You see that boatt by the pier, I paid for that boat by giving head jobs." So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package." "1000 dollars' "1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money" So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a Vagina." Read more:Hooker
Ghetto Christian 1970-01-01 00:59:59 You lie on an application to get a job and then get up and testify that "God made a way out of no way!" You get mad at a visitor and call them out for sitting in YOUR seat. You tell the preacher to baptize you from the neck down because you just got your hair done! You take 2 hours to get ready for church, get there late, and leave early! You open your Bible and you cough from the dust that flies out. Your wedding song is 'Secret Lovers'. You say aliens abducted you, but the Lord set you free. You do not lift your hand during worship because your acrylic nail is broken. The only time you like to sing in the choir is when they let you sing "your" song. You do not tithe because you say, "the preacher might be crooked and stealing the Lord's money, so I don't want to give it to him" After you've done wrong and someone has rebuked you, you don't repent but say, "Well the Lord knows my heart." You have ever said, "show me in the Bible where it says, thou shall not smoke". Your favorit Read more:Christian
, Ghetto
George Bush 1970-01-01 00:59:59 What's eighteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? George
Bush's tie. Read more:George Bush
White. Anglo. Saxon. People 1970-01-01 00:59:59 How do WASPs celebrate Passover? Please pass over the chicken." "Buffy, pass over the gravy, would you?" "Will you pass over the potatoes, please." Read more:White
, Saxon
Masturbation Song 1970-01-01 00:59:59 You don't need to use a condomYou don't need a dental damYou don't need to say "I Love You" or "Here's FiftyDollars, Ma'am."Don't need to spring for dinner,Or wear all that sexy stuffAll you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the landMasturbators Of America, Give Yourselves A Hand!It's natural, and organicIt's easy and it's funIf you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's doneYou don't need a special licenseYou don't need a special skillJust unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand,Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!(Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on theROCKER'S part. For instance, he does that one bit where youjump backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except thatinstead of playing air guitar he's stroking air wanker.)You can do it in the bathroomYou can do it in your bedYou can do it at Read more:Masturbation
Single Black Woman's Prayer 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Now I lay me down to sleep.Please don't send me no more creeps.Please just send me one good man.One without a wedding band.One good man who's sweet as pie.Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.And is sexy like my man Denzel.Is super-rich like Michael J.On second thought, that's okay.Man, if I should die before I wake,that would truly take the cake;No matrimony or honeymoon.No fancy reception planned for June.No throwing of the wedding bouquet.Please, God, don't let me go out that way.If I die before I meet Mr. RightI won't go out without a fight.But then again with my luck,He'd probably be just some schmuck.The single life is not that badI know it's just a passing fad.I won't be blue. I will not frown.Besides, I like my toilet seat down.No more makeup, won't comb my hair.So never mind this stupid prayer.The single life will do just fine.So what's up, girlfriend?IT'S PARTY TIME!!!! Read more:Black
, Prayer
Types of Black Pussy 1970-01-01 00:59:59 1. Expensive PussyMost pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of good pussy falls into this category.Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion. Often not worth it. 2. Cheap PussyVery rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shake it off.Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this.Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruin Read more:Black
Clit! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 What's the sticky white stuff in women's panties? Clitty litter.
The Kingdom Of Heaven 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven
, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made!"Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?""It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.""Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold andcovered in ice."The Archangel, impressed by God's work, the Read more:Kingdom
Jack and Jill Had A Thrill On The Hill 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Nursery Rhymes - Jamaican StyleMary had a likkle lambHer father shot it dead.Now it goes down quite a treat,with rice and hard dough bread .Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to de fair.Said Simple Simon to de Pieman,What have you got there?Said de Pieman unto Simon,Pies, you fool whappin, you a hidiot!!Humpty Dumpty sat on a wallHumpty Dumpty had a great fall.All de kings horses and all de kings men,said " cha , 'im, only a egg."Jack and JillWent up de hillto have a likkle fun.Idyat Jill forget she pilland now them have a son. Read more:Thrill
Oprah's Crack 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Hear Oprah
Winfrey was busted coming through customs at JFK? They looked up her skirt and found 300 pounds of crack.
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