Owner: Maxine's House of Ill Repute URL:http://www.maxineshouse.com Join Date: Sun, 13 Jan 2008 12:19:39 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Humor, rants, raves and musings for all the little Fart Blossoms in the world. Site statistics:Click here
The Legend of Maxine and Cooter Brown 2008-03-08 06:48:55
My dearest Fart Blossoms - especially Wendy over at What I’m Doing Right Now - if you ever, ever, take any advice from this old ho, then take the following advice to heart:
DO NOT BUY A PIG AT THE FLEA MARKET.
I’m speaking from di-rect experience here, Fart Blossoms, so I know what I’m talking about. [...] Read more:Brown
, Legend
8 Days a Week 2008-03-07 02:15:26
My apologies, my dearest Fart Blossoms, but over the next 24 hours, I have the following to accomplish:
1. Final exam in Ho Resource Management
2. Final exam in Ho House Operations Management
3. Two major meetings at work (the Southern Baptists are in town. Again.)
4. Practice anger management (I love my boss. I love my boss. I [...]
Update on Ass Kicking 2008-03-05 17:28:48 Hunh. I guess the blogosphere going apeshit worked. Here’s an update on things in Ft. Lauderdale. Read more:Kicking
, Update
A Day In The Life 2008-03-05 03:10:55 I was so inspired by what Red did over at her place, that I decided to follow suit and show the Fart Blossoms one of my typical days at the House of Ill Repute…
I had breakfast…
… got ready for work…
… had a smoke-break with a few of the girls at the office…
… went to lunch…
…had some really [...]
A Small Opportunity to Kick A Little Ass 2008-03-04 07:30:00 If you’d like to take 30 seconds to avenge the death of Simmie Williams in Ft. Lauderdale, read this article from the Miami Herald.
Once you’re done reading, contact the following politicians and let them know that your tourism dollars won’t be heading to Ft. Lauderdale until they get their shit straight.
We also demand that leaders [...] Read more:Opportunity
, Small
Welcome to Thunderdome! 2008-03-04 04:04:54
We may not need another hero, but we definitely need to start stockpiling petro. I put $50.00 in Maudezilla yesterday and I swear she burped and said, “Is that all ya’ got?”
But before I can start stacking 55-gallon drums of crude oil in the backyard, I have to make a dress out of chain-mail, grow [...] Read more:Welcome
Just Another Manic Monday 2008-03-03 17:16:49
Okay, so, I have no fucking clue what Jesus was doing at McDonald’s. Except that this particular McDonald’s is next door to Grady Memorial Hospital, so maybe He was there healing the sick or helping the blind to see or some such shit. I really don’t know. What I do know is that He can’t [...] Read more:Manic
, Manic Monday
, Monday
Sunday Paper 2008-03-02 03:11:36
The following are just a sampling of the headlines from this morning’s . I’m not going to provide links to any of them, because I think that would ruin the charm. Let’s just imagine what the hell they’re talking about, shall we?
Beauty Queens and Muskrat-Skinners
Champion Tree Climbers
Anger Management Student Hits Woman
Rabid Raccoon in Decatur
“Mansion Madam’s” [...] Read more:Sunday
Maxine’s Press Release Regarding Eliot Spitzer 2008-03-11 04:14:13
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - My publicist say I don’t know no EliotSpitzer
. She say, “No matter what, bitch, deny, deny, deny.”
She say I don’t know nothing ’bout no ‘prostitution rings’ - ‘cock rings’, yes, but ‘prostitution rings’, no.
She also say I don’t employ no high-class brunettes. At least that’s the truth. Everybody wants blondes. [...] Read more:Press
, Press Release
, Release
A Phone Call From Home… 2008-03-11 04:14:03
It’s never good news when Aint Jeanne calls.
I don’t have any pictures of Aint Jeanne, but I found this picture of Aint Jemima and since their names sound kinda the same, I went with it.
Anyhoo, it’s never good news. The last two calls before last night were…
“Honey, I don’t know if there’s TV’s where you’re [...] Read more:Phone Call
The New “Bristo” 2008-03-11 04:13:52 +
Aint Jeanne did have one very interesting tidbit of news from Caruthersville last night.
After more years than I care to count, the local gift shop, the Yarn-It, is closing. The guy who bought the building is going to open… well, I’ll let Aint Jeanne tell you…
“He’s gonna open a wine and cheese bristo.”
“A [...]
Vote for Me, Bitches!!! 2008-03-09 06:53:47 I’ve been nominated for a Major award, Fart Blossoms!
Granted, I did the nominating, but still. This is a big deal. It means that I’m think I’m pretty fucking funny, and besides, why should all those Ho-llywood assholes get all the love and adoration? I want something for my mantle, too! I haven’t won anything since [...] Read more:Bitches
Cold Turkey 2008-03-14 04:18:32
Honestly, I don’t know why people insist upon calling the po-po on me everywhere I go.
It’s not like I’m an imposing figure. I’m a 35-year-old blondish gay white male, 5-foot-six-inches, 160 150 lbs. , I wear glasses and if you passed me on the street, you’d figure I couldn’t take a punch or hurt a [...] Read more:Turkey
Save the Condominium, Save the World 2008-03-13 04:37:16
I’ve been worried about Sista Sharon H. She’s having a rough time at work because she’s surrounded by idiots and assholes.
Actually, that’s only part of the problem. I realized yesterday morning that the real problem is Sista Sharon H. herself. Sista Sharon’s problem is that she gives a shit and busts her ass to do [...] Read more:World
The House Began to Pitch 2008-03-16 06:54:06 I don’t know who she is or why she’s in the paper, but she
could have put on a bra.
I hope they weren’t with the “ficus tree” company.
Don’t worry, Fart Blossoms, the House
of Ill Repute is fine.
Unless you live in a vacuum (hopefully, a Dyson, because it never loses suction), you know by now that [...] Read more:Pitch
I’m Yo Pusha Man 2008-03-16 06:53:38
I guess this means you like me, you really, really like me!
I had be done won an award and this time, I didn’t nominate myself!
Red, the hottest gym momma you ever did see in her nummers, has awarded me “The Daily Dose” Award, and I gotta tell ya’ll, this means more to mean than any [...]
Blech 2008-03-18 05:10:48 I hate being sick, but I am.
My boss was very concerned about me - and wanted to be sure I’d be in the office today.
I plan to sneeze, hack and wipe snot on everything.
(sigh) Not really, but I can dream.
Alive (But Not Kicking) 2008-03-23 17:11:14 Hey, Fart Blossoms. Did ya’ miss me? I’m sorry it’s been so long. I know, I’ve been a bad blogger, but the flu damn near killed me.
Since I haven’t written in so long, this one’s going to be a long post, so sit back and grab some coffee (Red - go hide [...] Read more:Alive
, Kicking
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go 2008-03-25 13:28:47
Ya’ll, I’m so excited, that I feel like a Pointer Sister.
GEORGE MICHAEL IS COMING TO ATLANTA!!!!!
I know! I can’t quit squealing!!!!
I’ve already called a couple of girlfriends, and we’re gonna take of the week of July 31 so that we can stake out the public restrooms at Piedmont Park in midtown so that we can [...]
Killer B’s 2008-03-25 12:08:05
Hey, Fart Blossoms.
Ya’ll, I know monies is real tight these days, but once in awhile, you just have to do something to make yourself feel better. As such, I’m instructing each and every one of ya’ll to go out this week and buy the B-52’s new album - FUNPLEX, or download it, or whatever.
I haven’t [...] Read more:Killer
Thanks, Easta Gangsta 2008-03-24 04:18:08
Ahh, Easter. The day that Christians celebrate the resurrection of their Lord, Jesus Christ.
In my neighborhood, it’s the day that folks get their crunk on, then drive around and randomly fire guns into the air and at each other. Occassionally, the po-po drive through at 110 mph to join in the fun, but mostly it’s [...] Read more:Gangsta
, Thanks
Well, Shit. 2008-03-28 06:46:23
As I’m sure I’ve mentioned several times, in addition to working full-time, blogging part-time and keeping my nose hairs from taking over my face in the middle of the night (I sleep with emergency tweezers), I’m also a full-time student.
I didn’t do too well my first time around in college - I finished my first [...]
Maxine’s Cure for the Common “I’m Pissy” Blues 2008-03-28 06:46:12
… I bought a new car.
It’s a 2008 Ford Mustang convertible. The above picture is identical to the new ride, right down to the dark candy apple red exterior and parchment interior.
NOTE: Getting INTO debt makes Maxine feel good. Getting OUT of debt makes Maxine feel bad.
Now, ya’ll just wait. I don’t want folks writing [...] Read more:Blues
, Common
Name That Car!!! 2008-03-28 06:46:03
… that’s right, Fart Blossoms! It’s time for your favorite new prime time game show, NAME! THAT! CAR!
NOTE: No cash or prizes will be awarded and there are no sponsors, so don’t expect any Rice-A-Roni, either, bitches.
Gradon is keeping Maudezilla, which is keeping her name, but I now need an absolutely fabulous name for the [...]
The Church of Ill Repute 2008-03-30 14:03:10
Fart Blossoms, ol’ Maxine took a big step on her spiritual journey today, and I owe it all to Trailer Park Barbie.
I have become an ordained minister.
I am now the REVEREND MOTHER MAXINE LEGAY.
It’s true. Here’s my Certificate of Ordination:
That’s right, Fart Blossoms. I can now officiate at weddings, births, funerals, animal blessings and drag [...] Read more:Church
The Color Purples 2008-03-30 14:02:23 Hello, my Fart Blossoms. Open auditions have been held, and the line-up for The Color
Purples, my back-up singers, has been set. Here they are…
I don’t know her name, and she cain’t sing for shit, but
with fashion sense like this, how could I say no?
Her rendition of “And I Be Tellin’ Yo Ass, I Ain’t [...]
And the Winner Is… 2008-03-30 14:02:09
The results are in, and some crooked CPA that usually works for the mob has tabulated the results and the winner of the “Name That Car Contest” is…
…technically, no one. But one entrant did manage to inspire me. However, before we get to the name of the new Mustang and the winner, here are the [...]
Jay Leno is an Asshole 2008-04-02 04:21:38 Jay Leno is an Asshole. With a capital “A”. He’s always been an asshole, and he’ll always be an asshole. He makes me miss Johnny Carson so much, that sometimes I start cryin’ when the nightly news ends.
Now, Jay Leno has done gone and shown his assholism anew. Take a few minutes and watch what [...] Read more:Jay Leno
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