Owner: Maxine's House of Ill Repute URL:http://www.maxineshouse.com Join Date: Sun, 13 Jan 2008 12:19:39 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Humor, rants, raves and musings for all the little Fart Blossoms in the world. Site statistics:Click here
Is It a Full Moon or Somethin’? 2008-04-01 15:11:43 This shit is di-rectly from the Topix.com forum from my hometown today. Apparently, everybody in town has be done gone apeshit, ya’ll.
Fight At the Courthouse With BATS
Posted in the Caruthersville Forum
Comments
Wondir
Caruthersville, MO
#1
2 hrs ago
I just heard on the police scanner fight at the courthouse with bats then they called for an ambulance Does anyone know who [...]
Ya’ll Ain’t Gonna Believe This Shit… 2008-04-01 05:44:16
I’m… well, I’m nearly speechless. Nearly. As I’ve said before, in the South, you know yer gonna hear a good story when somebody says, “Ya’ll ain’t gonna believe this shit,” and Fart Blossoms, ya’ll ain’t. At least I didn’t.
There I sat this morning, watching the news, drinking my Diet Mountain Dew, eating my gluten-loaded Pop [...]
My Magnificent Moonbeam 2008-03-31 04:52:00 My magnificent friend, Moonbeam McQueen, has run a guest column of sorts that I wrote for her awhile back. I thought a few of ya’ll might get a kick out of it. Check it out by clicking here.
Moonbeam’s a pretty amazing lady, and I’m incredibly taken with her.
The Color Purples are also very fond of [...] Read more:Magnificent
Church Bulletin 2008-04-04 11:51:07
Ya’ll need to tune in this Sundy (prolly in the afternoon, ’cause Mama might go out Saturdy night) for services up in the Church
of Ill Repute. Here’s the bulletin:
Invocation by the Reverend Mother Maxine LeGay
Tithing for the Liquor Church Fund
Announcements
*Monthly Mission Trip to Injun Casino Reservation
*Choir of the Ill Repute Trip to Sizzler Practice
*Status [...] Read more:Bulletin
Hi, My Name is Maxine, and I’m a… 2008-04-03 04:47:34
When I was growing up, you knew somebody was fixin’ to throw down when they took off their shirt.
It didn’t matter if the participants were male, female or transgendered - if the shirts came off, there was fixin’ to be a fight. To this day, I have no idea why people in my hometown took [...]
Help Maxine Fight the Good Fight (UPDATED) 2008-04-02 15:16:50 UPDATE: I may not have an ass, but I sure feel like one. I should have remembered (thanks, Pink Ladybugs) that “Buddy Christ” was the name of the newer, cooler Jesus from Kevin Smith’s film, “Dogma.”
I’ll write more tomorrow morning about dealing with my angry, bitter, old queen issues.
Dammit.
Ya’ll, this ol’ ho [...]
Mama Needs a New Ass 2008-04-02 11:41:39 Fart Blossoms, I’ve lost a bit of weight lately (thanks, Topomax!) and I’m now down to a 28″ waist, which I haven’t had since the 8th grade. I foolishly thought that with my tinier waist, I’d finally have an ass, but I just got done lookin’ at it in the mirror in the bathroom here [...] Read more:Needs
Services Canceled 2008-04-06 07:50:23
Sadly, services at the Church of Ill Repute have been canceled this morning, all because of some gawdamned eggrolls.
Fridy night after work, me and the girls decided we was hungry, so we went to the Kung Fu Fightin’ Buffet for a little snacky-snack. We like to go there because the waiters refill the buffet “fast [...] Read more:Services
Panic at the Disco 2008-04-08 03:16:22
I’m sorry I didn’t write yesterday, Fart Blossoms, but I had the worst panic attack I’ve had in years. I was 30 seconds from hauling my ass down the street to the ho-spital, but I couldn’t decide if I should go to Crawford Long for decent medical treatment, or Grady Memorial, where they could lock [...] Read more:Panic
Church Bulletin 2008-04-11 04:39:32
Invocation by the Reverend Mother Maxine LeGay
Tithing for the Liquor Church
Fund
Announcements
*Monthly Mission Trip to Mississippi Gulf Coast to Hit the Casinos Help Rebuild
*Choir of the Ill Repute Trip to Ladies’ Night Choir Practice
*Status of Indictment Persecution of Brother Hester
*Prayer List Additions and Dead Fuckers Deletions
First Communion (BYOB)
Tithing for the Gambling Church Bus Fund
Song
“Money’s [...] Read more:Bulletin
Finding Inspiration 2008-04-10 13:27:46
This has been the strangest morning in so many ways. In the last few hours, so many of my questions about life have been answered, and those answers have come from the most unexpected places.
First, I have to tell you that I hate my job. Hate. Loathe. Abhor. Detest. Abominate. Ya’ dig?
I am a commercial [...] Read more:Inspiration
Guano Loco, But… 2008-04-10 11:08:09
I’ve taken Frankie’s advice, and now I’m much better. I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a day or so, but I needed some “Oh-shit-life-really-fucking-sucks-and-can’t-get-any-fucking-worse” time.
Now, the birds are singing, the sun is out, and my boss is out of town for two days, so all is right with the world.
Here’s an update on where things [...] Read more:Guano
Giving Back 2008-04-12 03:51:57
Fart Blossoms, I was so taken with this new spirit of giving back last night, that I was a jumping ball of energy. I simply could not sit still, so I decided a few glasses of wine would give me the right amount of chill.
Four bottles of Two Buck Chuck later, I was even more in [...] Read more:Giving
, Giving Back
Finding the G-Spot in Your Life 2008-04-13 15:44:12 It took me all damned day, but here’s a bit surprise for the Fart Blossoms. I hope ya’ll enjoy!
Kisses,
Maxine
Dealing With The Assholism In Your Life 2008-04-15 07:23:05 I hope ya’ll are buyin’ shitloads of T-shirts so we can make a big donation to Maxine’s Charity of the Month.
In the meantime, I wanted to tell ya’ll that I was listening to Larry Flick and his pals over at OutQ on Sirius this morning, and they was talkin’ about ridding yo’self of all the [...]
Introducing Maxine’s Shop of Ill Repute!!! 2008-04-14 15:17:47 Fart Blossoms, I’d like to make a major announcement. Maxine’s Shop of Ill Repute is now open!!!!
The absolutely useless shit you’ll find up in there is pricey as hell, but there’s a really good reason for that.
100 PERCENT OF THE PROFITS GO TO MAXINE’S CHARITY OF THE MONTH!!!
That’s right, ya’ll, every last penny of profit [...] Read more:Introducing
Maxine Orders a Code Red 2008-04-16 11:54:54 Click here to read the story about the assholes from my hometown who baked a kitten.
I’m 99.99999% positive that the “two teenagers seen running from the house” are the guilty party.
I am SO FUCKING PISSED ABOUT THIS, that I just don’t know what to do.
Actually, I do know what to do.
I’m ordering a code red.
Tom [...]
An Update on The Color Purples 2008-04-16 10:55:19 I ain’t seen them bitches since they failed to pick me up for karaoke Saturday night, but…
Americans’ plane stolen in Mexico
From the Associated Press
April 16, 2008
LOS CABOS, MEXICO — Gunwomen robbed a family of U.S. tourists of its small plane Tuesday in Mexico, police said.
The robbers struck as the American couple and their [...] Read more:Color
, Update
Church Bulletin 2008-04-18 10:14:57 INVOCATION - The Reverend Mother Maxine LeGay
TITHING
ANNOUNCEMENTS
TITHING
COMMUNION - BYOB (the Margurator’s still broke)
SONG (Canceled due to absence of Choir of Ill Repute)
SERMON - “How to Eat Shit and Smile” by The Reverend Mother Maxine LeGay
TITHING
COMMUNION
REVOCATION
Ya’ll bitches wear yo’ hats!
Kisses,
Maxine Read more:Church
, Bulletin
Maxine Gets Memed 2008-04-19 17:15:09 I have been tagged with the “Fluff Five Meme” by Lumpy Lumps, so here goes…
Five Things Found In Your Bag…
This is my Ducati bag by Tumi. As you will see, it’s deceptively small.
This is all the stuff I keep in my purse, and it probably requires some explanation. On the first row, is [...]
Would Someone PLEASE Buy This For Maxine??? 2008-04-21 08:14:05 Atlanta’s Clermont Hotel is for sale, and Maxine wants it. It’s precioussssssss!
Well, it was.
It is now considered one of America’s Top 20 Dive Bars and Maxine NEEDS IT!!!!!!
They even have a stripper named “Blondie,” whose claim to fame is her talent at crushing beer cans with her breasticles!!!
We would, of course, rename it the [...]
National Day of Silence 2008-04-25 02:50:05 Today is the National
Day of Silence sponsored by the GLSEN.
I ain’t got shit to say. I hope you don’t, either. Read more:National Day
Life Is Canceled Until Further Notice 2008-04-24 06:51:29 I have an 8,000 word term paper due in a couple of weeks.
I haven’t written a word of it.
I haven’t researched a word of it.
I sorta need to get it done.
So, while Saint Gradon is gallavanting working in Las Vegas this weekend, I’ll be sitting in front of a computer screen, loaded up on caffeine, [...] Read more:Until
, Further
Ooo-Eee-Ooo-Ahh-Ahh 2008-04-30 04:06:13
Some of the more intuitive Fart Blossoms may have noticed that I’ve been having some mental health issues lately - anxiety attacks over pending pop albums, depression over the fact that the fine state of Georgia won’t let me buy beer on Sunday and hypo-mania in between. So, I went to the VA.
Now, remember, Fart [...]
YAY! It Doesn’t Suck! 2008-04-30 03:28:14
Imagine my relief yesterday morning, sweat beading on my forehead, when my shaking finger reached toward my iPod to press play and I heard THE BEST MADONNA ALBUM EVER!!!!!
Imagine the consternation of my co-workers as I left it on “repeat” all day yesterday. Imagine them tearing out their hair as I do the same thing [...]
An Update on The Color Purples 2008-05-01 04:18:43 Suspects in 10G stolen credit card shopping spree
BY BRIAN HARMON
DAILY NEWS LONG ISLAND BUREAU CHIEF
Wednesday, April 30th 2008, 4:00 AM
This wasn’t what the doctor ordered.
Two thieves stole a handful of credit cards from a Ronkonkoma physician’s purse and used the plastic to go on a $10,000 shopping spree, police said.
The women - possibly patients of [...] Read more:Update
, Color
We Can Work It Out 2008-05-01 04:03:40
The above pic is what I used to think of my boss.
It’s not.
As I’ve said before, I hate to be the biggest asshole in the room, and, sadly, the older I get, the more I realize that I often am.
It used to only happen after I’d had 20 or 30 cocktails too many, but lately, [...]
All Work and No Play… 2008-05-16 05:00:02
…makes Maxine a dull girl.
And a bad blogger.
Mea culpa, my Fart Blossoms, but I’m back, and I’m much better now.
Where do I start?
Let’s start from the very begginning, since Julie Andrews says it’s a very good place to start, and she seems to know a lotta shit (see spoonful of of sugar).
School kicked my ass [...]
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