Owner: Thought 4 the Day URL:http://t4td.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2007 11:03:48 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: A satirical web service providing thoughts for the day. Or not. It depends on how successful our current employee incentive scheme is working. At the moment, we've got their kids in a lock-up garage, but that's enough levity. Visit the site and never look Site statistics:Click here
An 'Apology' 1970-01-01 00:59:59 We at T4TD Corp. would like to apologise for yesterday's content. Unfortunately, we can't. It's not for any legal or technical reason that we can't aplogise, it's just that to do so has been made impossible by years of painful and expensive neurosurgery. For the same reason, we will never be able to fully enjoy the sensation of really good quality new socks. All our employees undergo this treatment and they never regret it. If they do, then it hasn't worked and so in the words of our resident surgeon, we 'have another stab at it'. The writer of yesterday's content is finding out what this involves first-hand, and then that lucky person will enjoy some in-service training and team-building exercises on a lonely moor. Indeed, we have been starving the attack dogs for some time. Once the training is complete, the successful trainees, or 'survivors' as we like to call them, will be back to work. They'll have to be, otherwise they'll end up paying rather a high rate o Read more:Apology
Moral Latitude 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Neither a borrower nor a lender be.And that should leave you plenty of leeway.Stealing for instance, would be fine. Embezzlement. Fraud. Deception. Torture. All our old favourites.Also, you could freely offload your junk on others, by pretending to lend it to them and then feigning ignorance during their increasingly embarassed attempts to return it.Speaking of borrowing, it does seem that your bank account was empty when we last looked. We know that you wouldn't want your subscription to our 'free' service to expire (and we wouldn't want you to expire either would we - or for someone close to you to have a horrible accident with a garden implement), and so we have taken out a loan in your name, so that you can keep paying us regularly. We know what you're thinking - how could such a thing be possible? What bank would allow it? Well, a regular bank wouldn't. But there are some Russian gentlemen we know who often need to shift large amounts of money around. We like to Read more:Moral
, Latitude
Offences 1970-01-01 00:59:59 If thy neighbour offends thee, buy each of his children a drum.It's a Japanese proverb apparently, so it must be true. Although, having proposed that subtle way of dealing with their neighbours, they then went on to invent gunpowder. There must be a lesson for the US Government in there somewhere.Of course, the proverb does not specify what the drum you give to your neighbours' children should contain. We'd recommend something pharmaceutical in nature. They'll be sure to need some, and you'll be saving them the trouble of breaking into your house, stealing your consumer electronics and selling them, in order to pay for it.Sincerely,T4td Corp.We're behind you.
So we took the weekend off? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 So what?Remember, T4td Corp does not undertake to provide thoughts on a daily basis, or indeed on any legally binding or comprehensible basis at all. Most companies work on the same basis. For example, air freshener does not freshen your air - indeed, the very use of air freshener implies that you wish to disguise the stench of stale air so that you can happily go around all day with the windows shut. So stop whinging.But, if it keeps you happy, T4td Corp will ensure that today's thought will be 10% more insightful than usual. Here it is:For insofar that we may control our own destiny, our capacity for happiness is limited only by our desire to control the destinies of others.There. That was superb. We've been saving that one for a special occasion. Our best writer made that up, just after we'd given him that shot of espresso - in his carotid artery. We don't like to call it sleep-deprivation, we prefer the term 'enhanced-shift productivity', or ESP.Perhaps, one day, you
Truth 1970-01-01 00:59:59 It is a truth universally acknowledged that blahdeblahde blah. Great, that's stopped the management from reading over my shoulder (and incidentally sent all male readers into a mild doze). Help. I am being forced to conjure up 'thoughts' for this website. I answered an advert saying, 'wanted - free thinkers', and since I have a degree in philosophy and another in psychology I decided to quit my job at McCheesy's Emporium of Dairy-based Snacks and bingo. I got the job immediately. Apparently, just finding their offices puts me into an elite group - the FBI have been trying to find these guys for years. Look out someone's comingand insofar as many may seekOK they've gone. Anyway, the 'free thinker' ad meant that I did the thinking, and they get me for free. Apparently the application form had a few clauses I didn't read - mainly because I was foolish enough not to be carrying a microscope at the time, and I can't read the dialect of mandarin they were written in. Oh Read more:Truth
Have a place for everything 1970-01-01 00:59:59 and keep it somewhere else. This is not advice, merely custom.T.A. Edison. Probably. Or Mark Twain. At any rate, this is a free* introductory message from our up and coming (but not quite here yet) sister service - Q4TD (Quote for the day). Please note that any similarity, implied, actual or actually implied may or may not be actually actual. This is intended as an illustration, not as a guide to future performance, which may go down as well as up, or even stay the same only a little bit worse (but then again isn't everything?) or not.Thank you for your continued overpayment.T4TD Corp.We'll never leave you alone. Ever.*as if.
Your free welcome gift 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Here at T4TD we are very big-hearted. Indeed, our last managing director had a particularly large heart, which we witnessed last Christmas - there was even some left over for the next day. He really shouldn't have stolen those paperclips. That just shows you the kind of people we are. So no naughty changing addresses, leaving the country or faking your own death - we've seen it all before and we always, always persecute (and no, that wasn't a typo).So, to get us into the swing of things, here are a few free punctuation marks for your personal use:...,,,;;;(())We hope you enjoy using them, perhaps to entertain your friends or to delight your family - so long as you remain a paying customer of course, because if you unsubscribe from our services...well, let's just say, your Christmas card list won't be so long.That's all for now, but don't worry, our next post will actually include a T4TD Corp. 'thought'.There's something to look forward to.Sincerely,T4TD Corp.
Your first thought 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Why are there so many words in English that mean 'redundant'?Thank you for reading this thought
. We hope that you enjoyed it but remember, if you didn't, you'd be wise not to tell anyone.Please be assured that you have been charged fully for this gem of wisdom. Twice.Sincerely,T4TD Corp.
Pre-ponderance 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Jetlag - time enjoying itself whilst you're flying.That was a good one wasn't it?Send no money now - we've already taken most of it anyway. Just for a second, think about your credit card number...That's it. Don't try to resist.Got it. Thank you.Please remember that psychic payments attract an inappropriately large handling fee.Insincerely,T4TD Corp.We never stop.
The needs of the many 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Many are called, but very few actually buy double-glazing over the phone.Thought-provoking isn't it? Well stop that right now. We do the thinking from now on. Any attempts at original thought on your part, which are initiated by a thought on our part, automatically become the intellectual property of the party of the first part - that's us.Of course, you would've known all that if you'd bothered to read the terms and conditions before you signed up. And yes, technically, we did show you all 432 pages of them. They were clearly displayed for at least 1/100 of a second. It's not our fault you're a slow reader.As ever, it's been a pleasure.Sincerely,T4TD Corp.We're watching.
Zen 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Buddhist proverb:Anxiety shortens life.Which, when you think about it, is pretty damn worrying.Now, we at T4td Corp like to embrace wisdom from all cultures and from all periods in history. For example, those Spanish Inquisition guys had some excellent ideas. They were just misunderstood. All they needed was a better PR consultant. Also, there were some dazzlingly effective incentive schemes operated by our friends from the Medieval Period. It's hard to imagine anyone bringing a civil action for alleged employment rights violations, when they've just had their hand hacked off for whistling on a Tuesday. We shan't see such great days again.But enough nostalgia. Our point is this - ancient wisdom has stood the test of time, but then so have sandals.Sincerely,T4td Corp.We never sleep. Read more:Zen
Please take note 1970-01-01 00:59:59 All of the words you read in these posts are provided free of charge by T4TD Corp. Punctuation marks however are a different matter. When you looked at that last full stop (that's 'period' for our trans-Atlantic customers), not to mention that pair of parentheses, a dash and a couple of commas, your retinal activity was registered via a monitoring program that we have kindly installed on your PC for a nominal cost. We call this innovative technology 'Goggle' and it allows us to bill you correctly for all your web viewing without having to bother with the tedious business of telling you. Don't be alarmed. Because we charge worried people an extra ten percent per anxiety.You may be wondering what are charges are. If not, you should have been. At any rate, it's extremely simple. We have catered for the international nature of the Internet by a system of calculations linked to local cost of living indices and inflationary factors. Thus our charges are not for fixed amounts, Read more:Please
A sidestep into the surreal 1970-01-01 00:59:59 This post has been left intentionally blank.Thank you.T4td Corp.Pushing you over the edge Read more:surreal
Celebrity Friday 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Welcome to our new feature:CelebrityFriday
!Could this mean... gasp... that T4td Corp... whimper...could get a celebrity to write a post every Friday?Yes, T4td Corp leads the way, once again.And could it be... moan in anticipation...someone World famous ?Erm.Like Sting or Beckham or one of the Clintons?No.In fact, at T4td Corp, we take a dim view of famous celebrities, and prefer to promote real of-the-people people - the sort of grass-roots, brass tacks, sons of the soil people that make the Internet what it is today. Apart from anything else, they're cheaper. So, without further ado, let us introduce to you, this week's Celebrity Friday Thinker....Leo. Leo is 59 and he has spent his whole life frying fish in the North of England. He doesn't have a job, he just likes to fry fish. They're not even his fish, and this has given him a certain notoriety amongst the aquarium keeping community. And here is his Thought 4 the Day:I blame the Government. If they were coins there'd
Life 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Life - interesting in parts but no substitute for the real thing.Today's thought is shamelessly lifted from the work of the late Douglas Adams.T4td Corp is all about substitues for the real thing. After all, 'the real thing' often involves achievements and all the hard work that goes into them. Hard work is vastly over-rated and frankly, very last century. But what really apalls us about 'the real thing', is that it is usually free. We just can't have that sort of thing. The entire economy of the planet depends on us wanting things that are NOT free. If we all start hankering over free things, like love and trust and self-worth, the whole system will come toppling down and we'll all end up living in teepees in Wales - laughing, sticking flowers in our hair and occasionally breaking out into close harmony singing. It's all too much. Someone get me a bottle of fizzy mineral water and a plastic cup - and there'll be trouble if it's biodegradeable.Sorry about that
Second Life 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Life can be hardbut it isn't so badwhen you consider the alternative.And you thought this was going to be about 'Second
Life'. No, it's just the second posting on the subject of life. We're not going to say too much about Second Life
just yet, because T4td Corp. is still working on plans to capitalise on its success. So far, our Advance Marketing Division has predicted the following:1) Some kind of horror-hybrid of reality TV and second life. Closely followed by2) a fad for detoxing people from second life and then3) reality TV about detoxing people from second life and then4) celebrity second life followed by5) celebrity second life detox bootcamp and so on...Watch this space for future products and services.As ever,Sincerely,T4td Corp.The future - when we're good and ready.
Team work 1970-01-01 00:59:59 There's no 'I' in 'team'.We got that from a management consultant we had in last week. We swiftly pointed out that there is a word of a different nature in 'consultant'. Yes, that's right, it begins with a C and ends with a T. We hope this won't offend any readers, but we'd better tell you what it is...It's the word 'cult'. Sorry. It had to be said. Here at T4td Corp we take very great exception, and often aggressive legal action, if anyone says that word around us. T4td Corp is not a cult. We do not have a charismatic leader, nor do we ask our followers - that is our 'customers' - to engage in particular forms of behaviour. In fact we don't care what you do, so long as you don't try to prevent our good work in taking the regular payments you've inadvertently authorised us to remove from your bank account, your partner's account, your mother's pension fund and the credit card account of a man called 'Gerald' with whom you once played squash.Meanwhile, bac
For our Trans-Atlantic Cousins 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Hi.*We have noticed that there are many websites and weblogs that condemn, deride or in some way ridicule Mr. G. W. Bush. Whilst we would hesitate to contradict such a mass of public opinion, and of course we cannot ignore the weight of evidence, we feel it is our duty to point out that Mr. Bush has achieved something that no other president could manage. He has single-handedly pulled off the feat of making Ronald Reagan look like a genius.Please note that T4td Corp values its American readers, and so, if we have slightly offended anyone, please check our post tomorrow, when we'll try to be more effective.In the meantime, we'd like to say 'Later on'.Sincerely,T4td Corp.Digging deeper.*We believe this to be a contemporary greeting in the U.S. However, for reasons of taste and decency we have omitted the term 'dude'. Read more:Cousins
Dream on 1970-01-01 00:59:59 If you can dream it, you can begin it.Which explains quite a lot.Because the things people dream up are often completely irrational. For example: anthrax bombs, genocide, slavery or even, and we're sorry to have to bring this up, reality television (let's face it, if you want to watch a bunch of maladjusted sociopaths bickering, you could just go to any shopping mall on a wet Saturday).So at T4td Corp. we say, 'Yes' to dreaming, but if you're seriously thinking about acting on those dreams, if you're firing yourself up to really go out there and do something about it, even to make the world a better place, we say, 'Stay in bed'. It's warm, safe and comfortable. Go on. Have a nap. You know you want to.That's better.Night night.T4td Corp.Putting you to sleep. Read more:Dream
Health food for thought 1970-01-01 00:59:59 If health food supplements are so good for you, then how come the people buying them always look so worried?But don't let that put you off. We at T4td Corp are all in favour of anything that can be peddled over the Internet in industrial quantities. And if they turn out not to work, then so much the better, because then, everyone will need to keep on trying different ones. We are even considering a new service which will deliver virtual vitamins via broadband. These will be available without a prescription, but not without a credit card. Virtual vitamins don't even need to be swallowed, although the monthly bill may stick in your throat. Virtual vitamins will have all the positive affects of food supplements, but without the need for little brown bottles gathering dust, mould and life-threatening bacteria at the back of your kitchen cupboard. Placebo affect guaranteed! All you have to do is read them!Try one today!Here is a free* sample of today's Virtual Vitamin(tm):BIsn't t Read more:thought
, Health
, Health food
Topical 1970-01-01 00:59:59 This is the first in a new line of topical thoughts. We haven't come up with a brand name for this line yet. Someone suggested 'Topical
Cocktail'. Yes. That's what we thought. So we sent that bright spark off to our Staff Realignment Department and they adjusted his dose. He doesn't make weak jokes anymore - he just giggles and every now and then, dribbles a little. Bless him.Today's Topical Thought:Communities should preserve the character of their streets. Once you've identified the character of your street* stick him into a vat of formaldehyde. That should do the trick.*Ideally, your character should be oddly dressed and given to swearing into thin air. Unpleasant body odours are not compulsory, but add a certain rustic offensiveness.If you enjoyed this topical thought, then, just for a moment, pretend you have friends and imagine telling them all about it.Thank you.T4td Corp.Keeping it real.
Pants on fire 1970-01-01 00:59:59 There are lies, damned lies and then there's white lies, errors of omission, differing recollections sincerely held, flattery, libel, sedition, scurrilous rumours and really so much variety it's often quite difficult to know which to choose. It must keep politicians awake at night.At T4td Corp. we have a department for that sort of thing. We used to call it 'Marketing' but that didn't do it justice. After a long and bitterly disputed legal process, we established that they were an independent state (named 'Fabricatia') and now they have their own laws so no-one can touch us. Incidentally, there was a vicious coup there recently - The Ex-Spence Count of Advertisio siezed power with the aid of mercenaries from neighbouring Huma Nres-ourcia. They are really redefining the meaning of hostile takeover, so chief executives everywhere, beware.Until next time.T4td Corp.Bringing it home - and hiding it under the floorboards. Read more:Pants
Middle of the Road 1970-01-01 00:59:59 He who stands in the middle of the roadgets hit by traffic from both directions.This is a plea against mediocrity. We used to hate mediocrity, but now we just think, 'Well it's not too bad really, it could be worse, we shouldn't complain.'There is, after all, a plethora of evidence that mediocrity is rewarded. Celebrities, politicians, soap operas, food, fashions - it seems that the more mediocre these things are, the greater the demand. T4td Corp. is never slow to respond to your needs. We are planning a new service:Make me Mediocre! (TM)All you have to do is pay the entry fee and send us your credit card (no, not the number, the actual card - we've already got the number) and our team of Mediocrity Makers (Tm) will visit you to carry out your Mediocre Makeover (TM). We'll ruthlessly strip away any annoyingly worthwhile aspects of your life and replace them with slightly duller alternatives. Before you know it, you'll be presenting a reality TV show or accepting political
Warming to the Idea 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Global Warming - not necessarily a bad thing.Simply take advantage of the warmer weather by turning your heating down. That way you'll use less energy, emit less CO2, and the whole thing will eventually even out.Alternatively, and this is our preferred course of action, simply pick any high inland location, say 20 miles from the coast, and start building beachfront properties. Similarly, you could purchase an unwanted, barren and blighted northern area and start planting pineapple trees. Our Scottish banana plantation is well underway. The added advantage is that it's one in the eye for those people who keep moaning about 'foodmiles'.And anyway, who made more money last year, Exon Mobil or that guy who cycles to work everyday at the organic healthfood shop?Exactly.So we say, OK to CO2.CO2 - if it's good enough for the plants to breathe, it's good enough for us.CO2 - good for business.Sincerely,T4td Corp.Our Mission is Emission.Please note: We're now taking advance orders for
It's That Time Again 1970-01-01 00:59:59 For...Celebrity FridayHooray.This week's celebrity is a very special sportsperson.Her name is Imelda and she's the Over 65's female pole vaulting champion for Northwest Slough.Here's her Celebrity T4td:If at first you don't succeed then pop down a few anabolic steroids and have another go. That's what got me where I am today. And what gave me this luxuriant beard. And the five heart attacks I've had. This week. But anyway, it was all worth it for all the fame and attention that I get - in Northwest Slough. I've even been asked to write my autobiography. That's a sort of book apparently, but I'm not sure what it's got to be about. Pole vaulting I suppose. Which is great because I know the secret trick of pole vaulting, known only to a few experts such as myself - it's this: don't let go of the pole until you've gone over the bar.Well, that's it for T4td for another week. We're off on a training course this weekend. It's called Extreme Creative Accountancy. Read more:Again
Proverbial Nonsense 1970-01-01 00:59:59 How pleasant to do nothing,and then rest a while. Spanish ProverbNow, we know what you're thinking - not least because of the brain implant we popped into your cerebral cortex when you were asleep last night. Sorry if that itches by the way. And sorry if your nose is a bit runny - we have to get in somewhere. And sorry if you're experiencing blinding headaches, intensely colourful hallucinations, night terrors, and vivid flashbacks to strange encounters with men in white suits. Oh, and the intercranial bleeding and/or sudden death. These side-effects are all part of the intense experience that is T4td Corp's new Internal Tracking products (or IT (TM) for short). Don't worry, it will be worth it - for us anyway.Where were we? Ah yes. You were thinking that we were indulging in cheap racial stereotyping and suggesting that our Spanish friends are less than industrious. Actually - no. We just don't do that sort of thing because it just isn't British. Ho Read more:Proverbial
, Nonsense
Help Yourself 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Self-help books - the great oxymoron of our time.It seems to us that if you really need to buy a book and follow its instructions, then the one thing you are totally incapable of, is helping yourself. Which, no doubt, is why the people who buy these things, always have a shelf full at home. Apparently, they would rather shell out for more and more of these books than admit the awful truth to themselves - that they are hopeless fools. And when they fear that others might be sneering at their fifty page a day axiom habit, they try to palm off their old copies on friends and family. They call this 'enrolling', which translates into, 'Hey I'm useless, but perhaps, if I can get you to be useless too, then maybe you'll turn out to more useless than me, and I'll be superior."The whole thing is a shallow and manipulative racket,so naturally, we have plans to bring you:A4td - Axiom 4 the Day!Simply sign one waiver, a disclaimer, a couple of indemnities and a credit card slip and you Read more:Yourself
Default Democracy 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The man who never made a mistake, probably never made anything.The man who never made anything but mistakes, probably made it into high public office.Its incredible isn't it? Where do we get them from?There is a simple answer. When trouble hurtles towards us at eye-level, there is bound to be someone who is just too stupid to duck. He gets to wear the 'I'm in charge' badge for a while.There is also bound to be people who were so smart, they spotted the trouble and so were the first to hit the deck. They get to crawl around the first guy's feet, picking up the things he's blundered into and generally telling him what to do and what to say. We don't often get to see these smart people, because they're just too damn clever.And then there's the people who were worried that there might be trouble, so spent the whole time with their eyes shut. They represent 99% of the population.The guy with the badge needs this 99% to keep their eyes shut.The smart ones on the floor don't Read more:Default
Blogistics 1970-01-01 00:59:59 If all the people who wrote blogs were laid end to end,they'd probably be quite distressed.'No!' they'd scream, 'If we could tolerate human contact we wouldn't spend all our time in specially sealed rooms.'Well so what? We at T4td Corp. say, go for it. Drag those bloggers, kicking, screaming and foaming at the mouth, out from their cocoons and damn well lay them end to end. We could even arrange them into an attractive pattern, call it art, get a grant and win a prize. It's worth a try. And we have nothing to lose except the dignity, and possibly the sanity, of a few tortured souls.So if you're a blogger, and you've just heard someone knocking on the door - that's us.Sincerely,T4td Corp.Tapping progress on the shoulder and saying, 'Get the hell out of the way."ps.Don't forget - come back tomorrow for Celebrity Friday (unless you've lost your mind in a horrific end-to-end-art disaster).
Celebrity Friday 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Yes it's that time of the week where we at T4td Corp get a warm fuzzy glow.It's so good to know that us executives are about to jet off to our private island where we can enjoy every possible pleasure, and we're happy for our workforce too. They get to have an extra potato and ten minutes in the exercise yard. Well, we couldn't very well hose them down indoors could we?Although, now that I think about it - there is that old meat locker that we haven't used since Christmas.Anyway, to the thought!This week's celebrity was going to be Anna Nicole-Smith. We know what you're thinking (see: Proverbial Nonsense ), but it just wasn't like that. Our contract negotiators were never there, they never met the person in question, and even if there was a minor disagreement about a drinks bill, those guys do not legally exist, and even if they did - which they don't - they have complete immunity from prosecution.Back to business.Today's celebrity is Bruce. He lives in Cornwall and by Read more:Celebrity
, Friday
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