Owner: Dekionplexis URL:http://dekionplexis.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Tue, 30 Jan 2007 18:13:44 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Satire, offensive writing, wild japes, bizarre pictures.
YouYube mash-ups, and other forms of surreal lunacy.
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Interview: James Whitaker (Royal Lacky) 1970-01-01 00:59:59 James Whitaker
pictured with the ashes ofhis mother, which he keeps in a mustard pot.q: You first started covering the Royal
Family in the 1960's for the Daily Mail and the Express. How have things changed, and what was considered a 'good story' in those succulent days?Whitaker: Yeeeeeees, well, it was a different era you see. There was a level of respect which is lacking in these modern gilf-soaked times. Prince Charles was merely a youth and hadn't even shot his first negroid. Her majesty was still a looker and would often partake of an Italian elder. A faaar more innocent time you see. I didn't lose my virginity until I was forty-three. But that's what you get for sharing a bunk with Peter Beardsley. (laughs)q: Yes, quite.Whitaker: The first job they ever sent me to was for Princess Margaret's circumcision. A faaar more innocent time you see. The ceremony was invite only, all the bigwigs were there; Rusty Lee, Cannon & Ball, I sat this (holds up thumb and forefinger two inc Read more:James
Tim Westwood Killed In Plymouth Bakery 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Tim Westwood whilst attending a 'Remake Fletch' fundraiser. The music industry was momentarily surprised today by the news that 'DeeJay' and one time, 'Werther's Original' poster boy, 'Tim 'The Tim' Westwood' had been slain whilst buying a baguette in Plymouth
's notoriously dangerous 'bagel district'.Tributes came thick and quickly from some of the music industry's biggest 'playas'. Ricky Martin cried the following whilst on holiday in San Francisco, 'Oooh no'. He was then taken away for a sit down and a rigorous Shiatsu.Timothy Carruthers Eastwood was born in the rural village of Upper Phuckingham, just south of Lower Sirensmyerstonsire to blind parents and an incontinent nan. Music had always fascinated Tim from an early age. By seventeen he could 'hum' the entire theme tune to, 'Bonanza'. By twenty, he had learnt to play the piccolo with his nose, and set forth to London to make his fortune.A chance meeting with a local 'black' changed his life forever. Read more:Killed
, Bakery
My Predictions For 2007 1970-01-01 00:59:59 In no particular order, except succulence;O.J. Simpson will kill again, I suspect during the spring.Beyonce Knowles will have a mental breakdown, involving a Volvo, a goose, Vicodin, sunshine, and a hat.George W. Bush will have a coherent thought.I will get laid.Oprah Winfrey will 'come out'.Mohammed Al-Fayed will admit to his son's slaying...plus that posh bird's.Tupac Shakur will be seen buying a burrito in Wyoming.Uri Geller will discover a cure for leprosy.Spain will disappear for a week.A tenth thing will also occur. Read more:Predictions
British TV Made Me Do This 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Hello,My name is Dekionplexis. You may have heard of me, but I doubt it. Basically, I'm just another one of those guys stuck in adolescence, unable to let go of the past and move on. Ya know, settle down, have kids, all that crap...f&@k that...Anyhoo, over the years I've made various things, in various ways, using various characters. Look over to the right, you'll get the idea.Basically, this will be the first time that I'll be writing as 'myself'. Not in character, just random crap falling out of head. The point being, that all this stuff will relate to the 'real world', in which you and I live in...oh deary..Ok, hope that makes sense, so, to my point..(yes, there is one..)(Please Note: I type real fu%&ing fast, and rarely correct spelling/grammatically errors. So, if you're one of those anally-retentive types, this aint for you)So, what prompted me to start a blog?Two things; one, boredom. And b, I've completely run out of ideas. Yep, zip. I can't think of a single thing t Read more:British
Boris Johnson Still Missing (Presumed Lost) 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Boris Johnson
wearing the colour red, which hebelieves gives him the strength of four. Day four, and the comedian and part-time politician Boris 'Prolapse' Johnson is still missing. Last seen in the Lewisham area buying a flute from a man dressed as a salmon, it is believed that he may have joined the underground cult known as 'The Reddites'.Formed by entrepreneur Mick Hucknall in the mid-eighties, followers are encouraged to wear red clothing and worship 'SodOtta', a half-man-bird-missile. With offices in Rome, Geneva, Wyoming, Prague and Ludlow, 'The Reddites' attracted attention last year when Liza Minnelli blamed them for the dwindling population of haddock.Mr Johnson's third wife, Fatima Whitbread, issued the following this morn;'...I don't know where Boris is, but if anyone finds him, please ask him what he's done with the remote control....'The couple have three children; Alvin, Simon and Theodore, all of whom where born without lips. 'Ppllleeeebps, bllaangg m Read more:Missing
, Boris
'I Can't Be A Paedo, I'm Too Young!', screams Radcliffe. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The dead eyes of a monster.The actor Daniel Radcliffe
has been arrested on suspicion of sexual conduct with minors. Police pounced, much like a lemur, as the 'Hairy Potter' star left a convenience store where he claims he was, 'buying some juice'. This is believed to be 'paedo-slang' for, 'scopin' fo' yoots'.It is believed Radcliffe has 'got-in' with girl-childs as young as 15 and three quarters.An eye-witness, Barray Malcolms, 39, who was shoplifting from the store at the time, bellowed;'He comes in shop and he's lookin' around like. Then he looks over there..'Police would not confirm or deny rumours that Radcliffe's home computer contained images of children as young as three weeks. Pictures the actor insists are of his cousin, 'Benjamin'. Conveniently, said cousin exists, but was to distraught for comment, possibly due to excessive fingering from the accused.Radcliffe will spend the next four days in custody where it is believed he will be forced to watch his own
Gervais Diagnosed With Leprosy 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Gervais with 'life partner' Ramgooly Bakki.Entrepreneur Ricky Gervais is currently being treated for leprosy at St Gusset's hospital in East Cheam. It is believed the star contracted the decease from a neighbours dog. Whilst filming continues on what may be the last season of 'Extras', the BBC have stated that new 'CGI' techniques will be used to airbrush weeping sores and pustule's from his body. The same technology was used on the film, 'The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen' to create a virtual 'Sean Connery' who died from gout whilst arguing with the director.Writing partner and one time IRA member Stephen Merchant was unavailable for comment due to a ruptured colon sustained whilst paragliding in Kenya.Mr Bakki meanwhile was recently seen buying plasters and absorbent cloths from the supermarket where he works as a fishmonger. When cornered he stated that the couple wanted to be left alone to work through this in their 'own bloody time'. 'You bloody shitting bastard Read more:Gervais
, Diagnosed
Al Gore Admits To Killing Tupac 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Gore during happier times.'The ni*&a had it coming'These were the words spat to the world's press as Albert 'Koon' Gore was escorted from his Nashville bungalow by Tennessee sheriff, Dix Herring.The confession came during a drunken game of 'Strip-Twister' with newscaster Larry King.'..I was kinda shocked at first, and tired, we'd both been awake for thirty-six hours, and at first I thought it was the rum talkin'. But then Al says, 'I'll be right back'. So he leaves me sittin' there on the kitchen floor, buck naked as a Spaniard. When he comes back, the guy's got a boner like an iguana and he's holdin' this gun. I says to him, that don't prove shit, and he starts laughin'. Which got me started, next thing we're makin' out on the roof and he shows me the footage on his phone...'Mr King is currently being treated for 'brie addiction' at the Betty Fjord Clinic in Oslo.Said footage which shows Gore 'beefin' with and then 'gunnin' Shakur was recently anonymously Read more:Killing
, Tupac
Interview: Russell Brand (Christian) 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Brand pointing to his lord. (Christ)q: Thanks for dropping by Russ. Firstly, your addiction to heroin, it must've been hell.Russell
: Well, that was a long time ago..q: Two weeks..Russell: Well, yeah,..but like a rrrrrrrrampant homosexual,...arv put it behind me..q: .....Russell: Thatsa joke..q: Oh I see, yes.Russell: Dear oh dear, oh dear, arr fink SOMEONE'S not 'ad their tea n cornflakes, 'ave they?q: ....Ha-ha, yes. Now, regarding your addiction..Russell: Look mate, there's really not alot to tell. Besides, since arr fand JEESUS as me own personal saviour, evryfin's been alirght. I aint touched da Charlie in weeks, and them 'oles in me knob have nearly cleared up...q: ...'oles'?Russell: From shootin' all da scag. Me veins were pretty well facked, so I 'ad to use me winky like. Ooooh, ya should've seen it, all BLUBBERYYYY it was like, just like a fresh pomegranate. Ooooooh, I saaaaaay! (winks)q: That's quite an image.Russell: Arv got a picture on me phone if ya like?.. Read more:Christian
, Brand
THE C CHANNEL NETWORK 1970-01-01 00:59:59 THE C CHANNEL NETWORK The C Channel is building a multi-interest website that brings together 3 distinct sites - Travel, Shopping and Weddings. Each one features articles, destination profiles, vendor profiles and a whole load of new tools to attract a global audience. This includes the still young Travel Forum, and the Wedding Agenda, a promising tool that will be completely free and is due out in late 2006. The C Channel network has also recently introduced The C Directories, 5 user-friendly directories of websites, blogs, online retailers and other sites categorized under thousands of differenet subjects. Only a month old, it attracts new registrations every day of eBusinesses eager to become part of The C Channel Network. For example, in the Travel category, you can find Travel Street, a comprehensive guide to travel in Asia, Worlwide Holiday Homes with over 1,000 holiday homes in 51 countries including Spain, USA, Australia and Malaysia, plus Villa Tuscane and Tuscany Villa
Interview: Mike Tyson (Batchelor) 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Mike gives us his 'happy face'.q: Mike, thanks for agreeing to this.M: Welcome.q: ...yes, so..M: Before we pwotheed, can I just thay thomthin'?q: ..Of course...M: Thank you..........q: .....,......................,....,...M: ................q: ........................M: (cough)q: Well,...ok..now...M: All pwaise Allah! I dedicate thith fight to ma mother, ma father, ma uncles, ma peeps, all pwaise the high and mighty known as Allah, the great ju-ju, Shalom..dat..ARGHHH man, Carrie Fisher, yo...you hear me bitch, you hear me...you're going down...you wanna suck it? Huh? Fuck you and ya empire...fuck YOU! Praise be.q: Carrie Fisher?M: Welcome.q: err-riiiiiight? Ermm...M: Whatsth tha matter wid you? You actin' all crazy n shit. You need to check yourself, before you wr-wr-wreck yo self, you fuckin' hear me? Ya actin' like you got a thcrew loosth or thomthin'...next, question...q: Ah,...well...M: PETER, PETER MAYHEW! I know ya out there, ya hear me? FUCK YOU, ya punk bitch. You hear Read more:Batchelor
Winfrey And Roberts Tie The Knot 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The happy couple pose saucily for the press.It was a long time coming but Julia Roberts
and Oprah Winfrey
married today at a small ceremony held at Bakersfield Pentecostal church, just opposite 'The Gilded Clam' restaurant run by actor Steve Buscemi.Hollywood insiders have known that Winfrey was an insatiable lesbian for quite some time, but the chat show host has always denied the rumours. With this new revelation several of Winfrey's former lovers have also 'dyked in', including; Whitney Houston, Goldie Hawn, Condoleeza Rice, Mia Farrow, Elizabeth Taylor, Grace Jones, Barbara Bush, and Dakota Fanning.The couple are currently honeymooning in Detroit where it is believed Roberts owns a brothel.The ceremony which lasted for forty-seven minutes consisted of Roberts and Winfrey playing 'Nude-Twister' while 'Tool' front man 'Maynard James Keenan' played the lute. Culminating with guests forming a human pyramid while the happy couple made out to the theme tune from 'The Cosby Sh
Interview: Shaun Ryder (Gardener) 2007-03-08 06:13:00 Shaun defecating on his front lawn.q: Shaun, firstly, why are you doing that?S: ..Erghhhh..ar right, it's for me fockin' roses like...eRRgghh, ya don't mind do ya?q: No,..it's fine..so..S: Fockin' 'ell..Eggggggghhhh...you hear that fockin' clickin' sound?q: ...I...no..I don't..S: Ar, right..I thought it were a fockin' errrrrrrRRRRgggghhh,...wasp...q: ...I,..don't see one, no...S: ..I member one time right,..Ehhhhhrghgh,..me Bez tied a chicken to this geezer's van, it were fockin' hysterical-llaaaaarghhhh,..FOCK-KIN 'ell...funny fing was though, bloke turned out to be a fockin' butcher...q: ...ermm..S: ..Well, doncha geddit? Butchers, chicken...Ooooorghhhh...fockin' 'ell, I shouldn't have had all them fockin' Pot Noodles...arrr...q: .........it was a chow mein one, wasn't it..S: ...Foooooooooooooooooooockin' 'ellllll,...yeah....funny that, looks the same comin' out, dontit?q: ..(gag)..yes, quite..if we could just talk abou...S: I'm growin' marrows out back...foc Read more:Shaun
, Ryder
A Death Of Cunts - Uno 2007-04-05 18:31:00 Well, where does one begin? At the beginning would seem to be best, to do otherwise would surely enrage Pan and END with fuckenings of youth-types...Pfaff to Pan, I shall begin where I choose, and I choose to begin with the now, with the then. Let us begin...Being of youth as she was, and being splendid as I am, blades and morsels hidden within mine tunic we sauntered through the yonder park; white moon, black sky, blood on mind, etcetera...(Oh by the way, a 'death' is the collective noun for many cunts. Few know this, but having studied, such knowledge is second nature to me)The air being brisk, fresh and thoroughly invigorating, I coughed. Distracted by such an utterance the young youth-woman smiled. With a manoeuvre not unlike a young Daley Thompson in his prime (I have been buggered by the glorious nigger-youth, his manhood is girthy and delicate) I withdrew the blade from mine tunic and opened her jugular much akin to a viaduct. A flap, a flap therein, it hung and gaped, moonshi
Interview: Allah (Playa) 2007-04-07 02:49:00 Allah, as represented by a crude symbol.q: So, Allah, I know you must be busy, thanks for agreeing to this..Al: Yo....q: So, what have you been up to recently, besides striking fear into the Muslim community?Al: ..errm, well, not much dude, actually the whole 'fear' thang aint me, you know, peeps be confused n' shit..q: ....I see, yes, quite..can I ask you, why have you taken the form of the actor/entertainer, 'Will Smith'.Al: Why not negro, he cool..q: ..Yes, quite...so, regarding the 'Muslim Fear Factor', let's be blunt, why are so many Muslims such insane fuckers?Al: ...hhahhaha,..shiiiiit, beats me negro, them niggas needs to kick back with a blunt, gets themselves some pussy and just chill wid they brotha-man..q: ..I see...so you disapprove of fundamentalists who detonate themselves in your name?Al: ..Hahah, shit yeah nigga,....check...why the fuck would I want ma sand-niggas dead g?q: .....Al: Check, look bra, we be born, while we be livin, let's just chill, gets some pu
I now have a Podcast....of sorts.. 2007-04-06 04:12:00 Well, it's not really, tis merely a receptacle for any audio japes I happen to think up..so maybe that IS a podcast...I don't fucking know, anyhoo, thus;http://dekionplexis.mypodcast.com/I shall be adding some previous audio fun to it, in time.Dek Read more:Podcast
Elvis, Reborn! 2007-09-19 12:09:00 Elvis is reborn with Big Bird's legs on a rubbish heap, he screams, as he has a goose for a penis. Read more:Elvis
, Reborn
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