Owner: The Cult of Qelqoth URL:http://www.cultofqelqoth.com/qelqoth Join Date: Tue, 30 Jan 2007 11:58:54 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: The Cult of Qelqoth - satire, sarcasm, snide and stupidity. Discretion advised. Site statistics:Click here
Celebrity Spotlight: Joan Jett 2007-01-29 19:55:33 It’s never an easy task, dissecting the disproportionate acumen of the typical celebrity. However, Joan Jett
was slightly smaller when compared to that of her peers. You see readers, it was this stunted growth pattern which allowed greater access to the goodness that took residence within her cerebral cortex.
The first incision towards [...] Read more:Celebrity
, Spotlight
Blessed be the Sabbath 2007-01-29 15:32:51 The following speech was taken from my brother’s funeral which took place yesterday. Despite the weather (it rained quite heavily), it was a good service, one which I think we’ll all remember for some time to come.
Both Ricard and Vorne were understandbly saddened by the event, as was myself. But I think [...] Read more:Sabbath
, Blessed
Laqora's Finest Moments 2007-01-26 17:53:48 Dear Readers,
As you can imagine, the death of my brother comes of a great shock to us all and sadly, I will not be posting any new articles until after the funeral on Sunday.
However, in memory of a truly remarkable man, here are three of the adventures my late brother has joined me on and [...] Read more:Moments
In Loving Memory of Laqora Qelqoth 2007-01-25 11:18:10 At 7.29am, Laqora Amadeus Qelqoth was pronounced dead. The 31 year old farmer was rushed into Accident & Emergency following a failed strangulation of a local whore in the back of a taxi cab. The woman who remains nameless, attempted to escape by stabbing Laqora repeatedly to the chest with a 15″ Black [...] Read more:Loving
, Memory
Google Search Results 2007-01-23 17:23:44 Dear Readers,
Since our online journal was set up in July 2006, we have enjoyed all manner of visitors participating on the blogosphere. But we really crave those unheard people, those people trawling Google
who inadvertently, end up here. And they do indeed search for the finer things in life as we [...] Read more:Search
, Google Search
Global Market Domination via Corporate Brainwashing 2007-01-30 21:30:01 Dear Terry,
I am writing on behalf of our movement with a vastly lucrative business proposal. We hope that the matter I am about to outline will lead to a partnership that will not only further development within our local community but also expand your global profit margin.
The stem of all this is due to a [...] Read more:Market
, Global
, Brainwashing
Global Market Domination via Corporate Brainwashing 2007-01-30 21:30:01 Dear Terri,
I am writing on behalf of our movement with a vastly lucrative business proposal. We hope that the matter I am about to outline will lead to a partnership that will not only further development within our local community but also expand your global profit margin.
The stem of all this is due to a [...] Read more:Market
, Global
, Brainwashing
Movie Review: The XXXorcist 2007-02-02 10:17:24 In The XXXorcist, standard exorcism is a thing of the past as these possessed perverts can only be stopped by the holy power of bukkake. Father Merkin (Tommy Pistol) is a religious expert who has no option but to literally nail the devil that resides in the blasphemous cunt of Regan Teresa MacFeel (Joanna [...] Read more:Movie Review
The Cult of Qelqoth: Banned 2007-02-05 13:48:37 The Cult of Qelqoth, both the MySpace web community and the PointlessBanter.net weblog, has been excommunicated by various web traffic exchange systems including Click Voyager and Traffic Pods among others.
In addition to this, the Indian search engine, “Guruji” is also seeking to remove us from their list. This isn’t the first search engine that is [...] Read more:Banned
Letters from Abdul: Part One 2007-02-06 02:47:26 From: Dr. A.P.J. Abdul
Kalam
Reply-To: HindiGoatLover@aol.com
To: qelqoth@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Re: Hindi Buttsecks
Date: Sat, 05 Feb 2007 10.08 UTC +5.30
Dearest Reverend,
With deepest thanks and humble admiration of lund, I writing naughty letter to enlarge development, both me [...] Read more:Letters
A Letter to The Sun 2007-02-07 15:10:46 Wed 7th Feburary
The Sun
1 Virginia Street
Wapping
London E98 1SN
To whom it may concern,
For many years, I have been an avid reader of your prestigious publication.
Whether it be the simplistic construction of sentences akin to that of an autistic seven year old or be it the shallow beauty of your page three coke sluts, I’ve never once [...] Read more:Letter
Letters To Abdul & George 2007-02-07 13:50:35 From: Rev. Joseph Qelqoth [qelqoth@yahoo.co.uk]
Reply-To: qelqoth@yahoo.co.uk
To: Dr. A.P.J. Abdul
Kalam [HindiGoatLover@aol.com]
Cc: G.W.Bush [t3xas_lvz_n1GGaz@gmail.com]
Subject: Fw: Hindi Buttsecks
Date: Sat, 05 Feb 2007 10.08 UTC +5.30
—
Abdul,
Enough is enough. I should’ve have put a stop to this [...] Read more:Letters
, George
Letters from Abdul 2007-02-06 02:47:26 From: Dr. A.P.J. Abdul
Kalam [HindiGoatLover@aol.com]
Reply-To: HindiGoatLover@aol.com
To: Rev. Joseph Qelqoth [qelqoth@yahoo.co.uk]
Subject: Hindi Buttsecks
Date: Sat, 03 Feb 2007 10.08 UTC +5.30
Dearest Reverend,
With deepest thanks and humble admiration of lund, I writing naughty letter to enlarge development, both me and [...] Read more:Letters
Carnival of Political Incorrectness: February 2007 2007-02-10 09:00:19 Dear Readers,
Firstly, thank you all for attending the first edition of my new blog carnival entitled, “Rev. Qelqoth’s Carnival
of Political Incorrectness”. The emphasis here is to generally give you a taste of the kind of bloggers who don’t mind being exposed in public as they are usually that kind of wanton whore anyhow. And [...] Read more:February
On The Trail: The H5N1 Virus 2007-02-10 16:47:36 Hungarian officials insist that there is no conclusive evidence to prove that the bird flu outbreak in England was caused by poultry infected with sexually transmitted diseases.
However, Hungary’s deputy chief vet told us that he still believed that wild birds might have carried the virus to the UK. The cause of the viral outbreak is [...] Read more:Trail
On The Trail: The Final Solution 2007-02-13 01:56:56 Despite outrage from the ELDR, Bernard Matthews begins phase one of its greatest operation with pride. The company has been actively preparing workers for the mass slaughter and copulation of infected livestock following the scandal of the H5N1 virus earlier this month.
The diseased creatures will be routinely transported to the idyllic surroundings of the [...] Read more:Trail
, Final
, Solution
St. Valentine's Day Massacre: Part One 2007-02-14 23:47:22 Today, Uncle Joseph insisted that I travel to Norfolk and get an interview with Bernard Matthew for the website. He was originally going there himself although he’s also been working on a sermon for this Sunday and the Lord’s work does take priority in his home.
Uncle Joseph said that he required some quality thinking [...] Read more:Valentine
, Day Massacre
St. Valentine's Day Massacre: Part Two 2007-02-15 21:12:42 I had a call from Uncle Joseph this morning. He said some people went and made us “Link of The Day” on their website. Perhaps now we’ll show greater numbers the true meaning of salvation. This move would put us right up there with legendary icons of the twentieth century. Great [...] Read more:Valentine
, Day Massacre
, Part Two
Audio Review: Funky Honkey, Nasty Nigger 2007-02-19 12:21:00 The cover of this epic record is an eclectic mixture of cultural diversity and sexual liberation, a landmark for an era where interracial relationships was quite simply frowned upon. The central gentleman, sporting a well groomed afro, is on the receiving end of what appears to be mock fellatio, while his puppet companions look [...] Read more:Audio
, Funky
Algolagnia & Paraphilic Infantilism 2007-02-21 13:38:49 Algolagnia is a sexual act which is best defined by deriving sexual pleasure and stimulation from physical pain, particularly involving an erogenous zone. Both me and my husband have deep rooted concerns regarding our marital life and the holy vows of wedlock. In fact, it is crucially important to us that these vows [...]
An Interview with Prince Harry 2007-02-22 13:37:26 Right wing activist and royal spokesman for the British National Party, PrinceHarry
, will be quitting amateur racism to fight full time against the Iraqi resistance. News of the prince’s call to battle has been confirmed by the Ministry of Defence.
Harry’s regiment, the Blues and Royals, has been informed that it will serve in Iraq [...] Read more:Prince Harry
Ask Rev. Qelqoth Anything 2007-02-24 05:54:15 This weekend, we’re letting you take control of the blog with ‘Ask Rev. Qelqoth Anything’. Hopefully, there will be valuable insight regarding spirituality and faith although I suspect it will just end up with me sucking sperm out of an amputee’s eye sockets. So what the hell are you waiting for? Ask [...]
Adult Review: Kochi Blow-up Doll 2007-02-23 21:46:20 Despite being a nation of used underwear enthusiasts, the Japanese are a force to be reckoned with. They rule the sex industry with an iron fist. When it comes to inflatable relationships, there is no race that comes close to the strict rules imposed in the Land of the Rising Sun.
We can observe [...] Read more:Adult
, Kochi
The Cult of Qelqoth Has Moved! 2007-02-26 10:55:01 Our new site is:
http://www.qelqoth.com
Please make sure to update your bookmarks! Thanks!
www.qelqoth.com 2007-03-13 21:14:43 This site is no longer active! Go to http://www.qelqoth.com instead!
Snore Wars: The Empire Strikes Out 2008-03-10 09:48:10 Sinus Meridiani, Mars — For thousands of years, The Martian Republican Federation has stood up to numerous terrorist attacks against the senate although until now, the origin of these attacks has always remained unclear. Yet when new evidence revealed the exact location of the rebel base, government officials were shocked to discover another horrifying [...] Read more:Snore
, Empire
, Strikes
The ‘Good Old Days’ were actually pretty shit. 2008-03-08 07:51:49 A FILTHY JAIL, INDONESIA - The international drug mule community is calling for better pay and conditions after recent arrests highlighted the low prestige, high danger and laughable wages endemic in the industry. Despite being a vital link between third-world producers and horizontal mirrors at your uncle’s house, drug mule spokesman Xavier Masking-Tape claims [...] Read more:Good Old Days
The Cult of Qelqoth vs The Cult of Qelqoth 2008-03-07 18:37:56 London, England — Former illustrious online publication, The Cult of Qelqoth, was questioned earlier this morning when confronted with accusations of ill health and mental deterioration. The allegations suddenly became official after their recent string of outlandish behaviour on the blogosphere. Last weekend, reports showed increased signs of paranoia and schizophrenia, sparking a [...]
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