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Baked beans 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is so sweet and gentlemanly, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice, and gave up the beans.Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home Read more:Baked
Cinderella and the pumpkin... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 We all know how Cinderella
wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good news:The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on 2 conditions. Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies, "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, "You must be crazy! I'm on the pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm." The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to wear a diaphragm. "Well, what's the second condition?" Cinderella asked. The fairy godmother replies, "You must be back home by 2:00 AM. Well, Cinderella explains that if she's gonna go party with the princes, she wants to be out all night long. The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2AM, then her diaphrag
Dear Tech Support 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I was teaching an email course to novice users -- some of them I was explaining how to enter contact information in the address book, so the program could "look it up" for them. Bad choice of words.Student: "So it'll look up phone numbers for me?"Me: "That's right."Student: "Does it have to be on the right page?"Me: "Uh, do you mean the right screen, or...?"Student: "No, I know it has to be my own computer screen. But when I hold the phone book up to the screen for the computer to look up the number, does it have to be on the right page?" Read more:Support
Dear Tech Support 1970-01-01 00:59:59 This sounds ridiculous, but it actually happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I work as a computer tech in a chain computer store. Customer: "Hi, I'd like to buy a virus."Me: "You really don't want a virus on your computer. What you need is anti-virus software."Customer: "No, my son told me I need a virus, and that's what I'd like."Me: "No worries. You don't need to buy a virus -- you can just connect to the internet and download one." Read more:Support
A lawyer's question 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with a
Where is Jesus today? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus
Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Things I learned from movies 1970-01-01 00:59:59 If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at ran Read more:movies
Doctor's appointment 1970-01-01 00:59:59 One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?" Read more:Doctor
Microsoft cars 1970-01-01 00:59:59 For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.At COMDEX recently, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft
, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.Occasionally, executing a maneuver su
Special sickness 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously."Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.""Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan." Read more:Special
The drunk needs a push 1970-01-01 00:59:59 One night, around 3 a.m., Larry hears a loud knocking at his door. Grumbling, he pulls on some pants and goes to answer it, and sees a small drunk
man standing there. "Hey, pal, can you give me a push?" the drunk asks."No!" Larry says. "Do you know what time it is?" He closes the door in the drunk's face, only to turn around and see his wife."Now Larry, don't you remember the Golden Rule? Get out there and help that poor man," she says. Grumbling louder, Larry heads out into the night, but he doesn't see anyone. "Hey, you still out here?" he asks."Yeah," comes a voice out of the darkness."You still need a push?""Yeah!"Larry still can't see anybody so he yells "Well, where are you?""Over here on the swing!"
Nagging wife 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.The husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks."They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
Blonde at the gas station 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?""Why sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially well for that."A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. "No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car. Read more:Blonde
The Economical Emergency Vehicle 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Little Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck.""Yeah," Little Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren." Read more:Economical
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Make up a caption 1970-01-01 00:59:59 You are invited to make up a caption for the above picture.
Pig farmer 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A farmer
buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didnt take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them
Paternity Sweets 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The following are all replies that women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stilett Read more:Paternity
, Sweets
Tick-or-treating vs sex 1970-01-01 00:59:59 THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.2. Less guilt the next morning.and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
Too gruesome 1970-01-01 00:59:59 INNER SKELETONA 63yr old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 Inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.FEMALE SOFAA 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.PRICKLY PAIRIn Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.PING PONG ANYONE?A 20yr old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his bo
Anaconda Viagra 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I am participitating in an experimental sexual enhancement program. It is a wonderful element that has been created by extracting the sexual harmones from the Anaconda
Snake found in South America. I joined through one of the advertisements on the internet that is supposed to make the sex organ larger and I am really proud of the results except I think it needs to have some of the bugs worked out. I am including a picture of the third stage of development and I would like your comments.
The truth about Smurfs 1970-01-01 00:59:59 It's time to tell the truth about Smurfs
...You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times."But," people ask, "do Smurfs have... you know... sex?"The answer is an emphatic and resounding yes! And why shouldn't they? They're people, too. What most people don't know is why Smurfs are blue. Well, the reason is because Smurfs only have sex once a year. Face it: if you had sex only once a year, you'd be blue, too. Once a year, in the Smurf village, flags and banners fly happily in the breeze, proclaiming that the day of the annual Smuckfest has arrived. Birds sing and the Sun comes out to watch, despite the weather-Smurf's direst predictions. I guess good ol' Mr. Sun is a voyeur. In the middle of town, Papa Smurf gives a brief speech explaining the origin of the Smuckfest; how Dr. C. Everett Koop came to the village and warned all the Smurfs about AIDS.Papa Smurf knew that no one made c
3 Mice in a bar 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.The first mouse pounds a shot of Scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."The second mouse orders up two shots of Vodka, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull shit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
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