Owner: Brad Brown - America's Premier Raconteur URL:http://BradBrown.com Join Date: Mon, 07 Jan 2008 21:40:18 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Brad Brown, America's premier raconteur, tells the stories America grew up with. Site statistics:Click here
Solutions To Nine Insignificant Problems 2008-04-10 07:15:37 …because sometimes, ten solutions are too many, and solving the hard problems takes too much thought. Life seems to be one mundane problem followed by another, interwoven with work, American Idol, and Iraq. The problems in life can be minimized, however, by increased consumer spending. I thought of the most insignificant problems [...]
Big Sexy Uncle Baseball Cap Giveaway 2008-04-13 12:04:04 Back in 2001, when I was riding the crest of the dot-com revolution, I invested in a collector’s item that would change my life. I purchased a baseball cap with the words “Big Sexy Uncle
” emblazoned on it. I put the hat on my conversation-piece shelf and would stare at it [...]
Twenty-two Short Movie Reviews 2008-04-14 20:38:14 I used to choose which movie to watch by noting the amount of money it made during opening weekend. The more money it made, the better the movie had to be. Then I realized that most of the people going out to see movies on opening weekends are morons, so basing my viewing choice [...] Read more:Short
Being Brad Brown 2008-04-15 12:55:25 On my first day of Sunday School, the teacher asked me what my name was. I said “Brad Brown
.” “Bread?” she replied. “No…BRAD!” I said. “Ok Bread, now just sit over here and…” I think that was the beginning of my early hatred of my name. The alliteration always [...]
Suburbanite’s Guide To Living On The Edge 2008-04-19 09:16:40 Drag Racing
I was stopped at a red light when a BMW station wagon pulled beside me in the left lane. Rather than stop completely, the driver kept slowly inching forward. People tend to think they can outrun Lil’ Pepe, particularly those driving luxury cars. However, I find that those people have no [...] Read more:Guide
, Living
2008 Mother’s Day Gift Guide 2008-04-22 16:27:32 As a single white male with no kids, I like to think that I know what child-bearing women want. With less than one month until Mother’s Day, it’s time to start thinking about what gift to get your mother. Showing up with just a gift card is equivalent to saying “I care, but [...] Read more:Guide
Seven Ways to Become a Better Burglar 2008-04-24 20:14:24 I’ve been planning burglaries ever since I saw Dog Day Afternoon as a child. The actors in movies always seem to make critical mistakes - mistakes which I, due to hindsight and rewind, have a knack for correcting. I haven’t actually been involved in any burglaries, since it requires so much effort (and [...] Read more:Seven
, Become
, Burglar
, Seven Ways
Have A Twitter Scavenger Hunt : Part One 2008-04-30 19:53:35 The best night of my life occurred on March 19th, 1992. I was home from college and decided to go see my good friend Scott. When I arrived at Scott’s mobile home, he told me we were going to a scavenger hunt in Columbus. We hopped in Lil Pepe and drove [...] Read more:Twitter
, Scavenger
UPS Fables 2008-05-03 19:01:04 Any similarity between fiction and reality is purely intentional.
Brad and the Coffee Machine
Brad, in the course of his wanderings, came into the cafeteria. As he glided over the floor, he came upon a coffee machine standing there. After inserting coinage, coffee was not dispensed. In a rage, he turned upon the machine [...] Read more:Fables
Alabama Knights, Pilot Episode 2008-05-10 20:31:22 Photos courtesy of Scragz
Fade in, begin scene one:
Interior - The Brown’s Mobile Home in East Alabama
- Night
DeWayne bursts through the trailer door, holding a fine bottle of Merlot, to find Lurlene lounging on the carpet.
DeWayne - Damn woman! Why ain’t you got my dinner done? You know I worked a double at the [...] Read more:Knights
, Pilot
, Episode
Nineteen Inspirational Blog Titles 2008-05-13 19:51:19 …because sometimes, twenty can be overwhelming. People often ask me, “BradBrown.com, what do I do when I’ve run out of ideas to write about?” My advice is to forget about ideas and think about titles. One good title, left to ferment in your brain, can result in a multitude of great ideas [...] Read more:Inspirational
, Titles
Optimum AdSense Ad Sizing 2008-05-18 14:56:26 Last month, a retiring SEO friend of mine gave me the gift that keeps on giving - a database of AdSense statistics for about a thousand websites he managed. These sites are composed of about one-third “make money online” sites, one-third general blogs, and about one-third celebrity-gossip sites. Most of these sites had [...] Read more:Optimum
, Sizing
A History of Blogging - The BBS Years 2008-05-22 22:07:17 Blogging began, sans current moniker, in 1982, when Commodore Computers introduced the 300-baud modem to the world. Geeks of all ages were finally able to inexpensively connect to computer systems called “Bulletin Boards,” or BBSes for short. Modems enabled you to dial into the BBSes via a slow telephone connection, and [...] Read more:History
, Blogging
, Years
2008 Father’s Day Gift Guide 2008-05-25 15:43:50 Father’s Day will be here in three weeks. The fate of the world depends on your choosing the correct gift (I doubt you measure danger as I do). One wrong choice and you’ll be removed from the inheritance. Stripped of will and soul, only your thirst for money gives you hunger for [...] Read more:Father
, Guide
How To Sneak Liquor Into A Concert 2008-05-26 11:24:35 Step 1: Take off your pants. If you need help, seek assistance from a close friend.
Photo by Khamis Hammoudeh.
Step 2: If you’re male, tuck in your naughty bits to make room. If you’re well-endowed like the parsnip below, allow for extra time for tucking. If you’re female, skip to step 3.
Photo by FireFlies604.
Step [...] Read more:Concert
Great Gargoyle Giveaway 2008-05-29 20:28:17 Motivation
Gargoyles have been used for centuries to ward off evil. I’ve decided to live on the edge by giving away the gargoyles that have been guarding my living room for the past eight years.
Click for Scarier Image
The Rules
I’ll be giving away one gargoyle each week for the next three weeks. Just leave a [...] Read more:Great
Inside the Mind of a Female Driver 2008-05-31 17:19:49 The Turn
It looks like there’s car coming. He seems to be moving awfully fast. I’ll wait till he passes. [Five seconds pass]. That sure is an interesting bird. I wonder what kind it is. [Five seconds pass]. Maybe I should go; he seems to be slowing down. [...] Read more:Female
, Driver
Inside the Mind of a Male Driver 2008-06-04 19:40:39 “I don’t know what the world may need, but I’m sure as Hell that it starts with me…” - Cracker.
Photo by MiguelB
The Police Chase
I was driving to the bookstore one night (a real bookstore, not one of those with adult videos). As I approached the red light, it turned yellow. I decided to [...] Read more:Driver
To Catch a Mailbox Vandal 2008-06-08 10:33:14 Photo by Jim Epler
When I arrived at the bottom of my driveway on Friday morning, I found my mailbox lying helplessly in the middle of the driveway, giant rock by his side. I dropped to my knees, cradled the mailbox in my arms, and yelled “Why God, why?” Given the nature of the [...] Read more:Catch
, Mailbox
A History of Prophylactics 2008-06-12 20:13:20 Photo by celebdu
1981
The Bluebird stopped at the Perlis truck stop just outside of Atlanta. We were returning from a field trip to Stone Mountain, Georgia’s granite tribute to racism. Most of us milled about the gas station, drinking Slurpees and eating Lance-brand crackers [Brad Brown enjoys Lance snacks at home and on [...] Read more:History
Schadenfreude And Piase Kokkino 2008-06-22 13:27:29 Photo by mag3737
The Bradley Memorial Library
The elevator stopped halfway between the first and second floors. It was stuck. I pressed the “Emergency Call” button and waited while the phone rang. A guy on the other end answered. “Hello, I’m stuck in the elevator at the library,” I said. “Why are you calling [...]
The 4 Habits of Highly Effective Pimps 2008-07-05 07:04:11 Photo by sdbj
Sex worker management is not a topic you’re likely to find covered by The Harvard Business Review. The only advice a rising pimp is likely to receive is via word of mouth or through instructional video. However, one can still become a better pimp by applying management practices from more puritanical [...]
Papa Jones’ Pizza 2008-07-03 19:57:06 “Suspicious ingredients, suspicious employees, suspicious pizza.” - that’s the Papa Jones’ promise!
Photo by The Pizza
Review
During the summer before starting college, I worked at a pizza store [not to be confused with a “pizza restaurant”]. It was a rather unique place, where the pizza was hand-made, but not cooked. The customers would take [...]
Writer’s Block - Please Stand By 2008-06-29 20:43:54 Even though I have fifteen working titles and five draft articles, I’ve lost the urge to write. I’m hoping that after a couple of nights of good sleep, it’ll come back to me. In the meantime, check out these wholesome articles you may have missed:
Seven Ways to Become a Better Prostitute
Inside the Mind [...] Read more:Writer
, Please
, Stand
Three Steps to a Greener Blog 2008-07-17 20:09:40 “The faster we kill the planet, the sooner Jesus will get here.” - Bob Mannseichner
“Shun the non-believer!” - The Unicorns
I was talking with my buddy Butch Michaels, of the Discovery Channel program “Butch Michaels’ Outdoors” [not to be confused with Brett Michaels of “It Burns When I Urinate”]. Butch mentioned that he had star Read more:Three
, Greener
24 Random Facts about Brad Brown 2008-07-12 21:50:00 …because sometimes, 25 facts are too many.
1. As a child, I was so obsessed with the Cylons from Battlestar Galactica that to this day, I still occasionally speak in a robotic, monotone voice.
2. I have six cats, but I’m not mentally ill.
3. I graduated from Auburn University, the home of the McLean hamburger, with a [...] Read more:Random
, Brown
7 Restaurants to Visit When in Atlanta 2008-07-10 19:59:57 Photo by Mike Johnston
The majority of BradBrown.com’s readers are from Liechtenstein. The one thing I have in common with all my readers, regardless of their location, is Atlanta
’s Hartsfield airport. If you fly at least once a year, statistics show that there’s a 90% chance that in the next five years, you’ll travel [...]
Fireworks from Behind 2008-08-03 15:17:54 Photo by WordRidden
My co-worker Mike invited me up to his house for a 4th of July Lowcountry boil. A Lowcountry boil is where you cook shrimp, crawdads (a Southern term for crayfish), crab, and various other meats and vegetables in a giant pot of boiling water. The mixture is flavored with mustard seed, [...] Read more:Fireworks
Random Facts about United Parcel Service 2008-07-31 20:33:38 [Author’s note: I worked for UPS Corporate for about 2.5 years from 2005 to 2007. I made a lot of observations while working there. I thought I’d share them here in a series of never-ending articles. If I end up being assassinated for writing this article, I’ll leave the evidence in that place I left [...] Read more:Random
, United
, Service
Twenty-one Short Movie Reviews 2008-07-27 11:23:05 …because sometimes, twenty-two movies make for a tired reviewer.
Smart People - (Dennis Quaid, Sarah Jessica Parker, Ellen Page) - If the movie Sex And the City impregnated Juno, this movie would be the offspring. Follow the intellectual angst of the highly educated, while avoiding your own suicidal thoughts once the movie ends. Thumbs [...] Read more:Short
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