Owner: all the way from oy to vey URL:http://katieschwartz.blogspot.com Join Date: Mon, 29 Jan 2007 20:53:44 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: all the way from oy to vey is a comedy, humor, satire blog written by a comedy writer. From essays to rants, political satire, topical humor and all spun with feminist fun. Site statistics:Click here
vagina confession 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I love the song home to me, josh kelly. you have to download it at itunes. go for it, barbie! get your vadge on. Read more:confession
bitch is back.... sorta 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Shalom beautiful babies,I've surpassed exhausted only to graduate into the likes of a 90s wannabe-SUV Subaru with a burgundy exterior and a beige cloth interior with that look-at-me-bitches bumper-to-bumper taupe trim piping.I am so ready to be horizontal, I can't even tell you. I've slept maybe 10 hours total since Saturday. insomnia— moving— day yob… writing? I wish. I need more time to write. Argh. I've been experiencing an outpouring of words. love that, it's very channeling via fingertips. I am craving more writing time, so you bet your sweet fat/thin/chuvvy ass I'll make it!The move was great. new digs are fabulous. Will post pre-chach photos and post-chach photos once I figger out how to use my sister's digi. I only shoot on a vinty 35MM. photography is the only area of my life I won't go high tech. super dinosaur. Super stupid, I know. one casualty, a 50 cent vinty pink serving dish not worth anything more than I paid for it, but I loved it.I got the stran Read more:sorta
hate mail part II 1970-01-01 00:59:59 remember that hate mail post a few weeks back from vd? she emailed me again. here's what she said:Unfortunately I have been out of town.I do understand what anti-Semitism is and people like you are the cause of it. Hate definitely breeds hate and from the looks of your blog you are one of the most hateful people I have come across in a long time. If you demean a religious figure such as Christ, you are striking out at all Christians, not just evangelicals.she couldn't just call me fat?I forwarded her email to a few friends and to my parents. they were quite perplexed. you see, I've never been called hateful in my life. wait. could she be confusing me with the white power xanga blog ring?! DUMB ASS. I'm demeaning christ?! please... I got nothin' but respect for his philosophies and teachings. if anyone is demeaning him, it's the religious reich, abusing his good name and misinterpreting the foundation of what he stood for to suit your own damn purposes: censorship-inequality and i
the secret life of twist ties 1970-01-01 00:59:59 this week I've been obsessing about twist
ties. I've been wondering who sets out to become a twist tie-er. sure, it's a super factory-norma-rae-blue collar gig. but, don't you wonder if they have big twist tie pride? I do! I hope so. everything we buy with a plug or a cord is twist tied.there are trade schools for twist ties, forums, articles, recruiters and an organization for dames, women in packaging. ok, packaging, but you can find sections dedicated to the art of the twist tie and the broads behind em'.twist ties are big business, yo. I'm thoroughly fascinated by it.
virginity soap 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I got an email this week from the writer of sand gets in my eyes. she wrote an article about virginity
soap. you have got to read this! the author is an american living in saudi arabia. read her yarns. she's an interesting dame.virginity soap is no joke, yo. it's a thriving enterprise. in many cultures, the blessed v is the only value a woman brings to her marriage and to her man. what I don't understand is why these cultures don't just roll out with clit-ectomies and g-ectomies. if she enjoys it, she's got to be a ho, you know?!it's all very sad and tragic really. vadgeys come in all different shapes and sizes, some are grand canyon sized, equipped for echoes and all, while others are as tight as coin slots.it also made me wonder if virginity soap is no different from kegel exercises or ben wa balls. the packaging and language is different but isn't the message the same?she actually received letters from women condemning her post and advocating virginity soap.
and now for.... fartkisaf 1970-01-01 00:59:59 fartkisaf: friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak.... but on saturdays.1. I won't receive the two calls I'm expecting.2. my neighbors can hear me sneeze in the mornings and hock me about closing my windows. hello, get a grip. ever heard of allergies? what about earplugs? are you new? this whole, must be silent to sleep, attitude really fuckin' pisses me off. if you're going to reside in a wannabe metropolis or real one, you have got to cope with sound. right? right!3. endo boy next week. so not in the mood to get felt up and have blood drawn.4. waiting on louie's blood work results. ok, we are mirroring each other a little too much. what does that say about me? yes, I know I'm a freak. I'm looking for something else.5. my ocd about twist ties will continue.
come hithah hottie chassid 1970-01-01 00:59:59 today while driving along robertson, my sister and I saw the hottest hassid we'd ever seen in our lives. strapping. 30-something in a schneerson, black zoot suit coat, but religious proper, a tallis, peyos and true religion jeans, and I swear to god, our legs just gravitated open.confession time: I date everything under the sun. but, I think hassidic men in groups are so sexy, I can't stand it. it's the only time the pull-a-train fantasy would surface.this particular heeblette, well he just sent us both de-ranged. my vulva lips were twitching faster than a summer cricket, news?!?!couture hassid.
high maintenance bitch 1970-01-01 00:59:59 SEATTLE (Feb. 22) - A newly opened store catering to very pampered dogs, especially female dogs, is getting more than questioning looks for its name, High Maintenance Bitch.am I the only one who thinks this is hysterical? is this a p.c. thing?
the upside of alcoholism 1970-01-01 00:59:59 as it turns out, there really isn't one. an upside
, I mean. I understand and relate to the denial. in fact, I enjoy extended vacations there myself so who am I to judge. I can appreciate the lying to oneself. not to others, and yet to some degree, I can. the deception part I have difficulty with. I'm not deceptive. I can't seem to relate to the blackout part either. though I can appreciate the perks. still, I can't imagine eating my way out of a memory. I suppose it could be liberating.ps: random enough fah ya?
friends suck 2007-03-03 01:47:00 I think one of my friendish's broke up with me today. I'm a blue jew. did I mention the guilt? oy, don't ask.
answering machines 2007-03-03 01:42:00 I can hear my neighbor's messages because she has a circa 1990's answering machine. it's so funny. though, I feel badly because she gets a lot of spam calls. no mens. and, I know she's cock hunting because she told me. her man broke up with her and decided to roll with a bi-girl and relo to the mountains. she's super pissed. Read more:machines
god, let's discuss 2007-03-01 05:24:00 I shoulda been a lesbian. I would've been a fabulous harley-riding-femish-type-lesbian. I have a family who would've dragged me out of the closet knowing I was born to dine at the Y long before I would've known. my friends would've loved me just the same. I would've been one seriously lucky dyke.I love women. I think we're amazing. I am in love with all of my girlfriends and tell them constantly. I experience more girl crushes in a week than most men have in a lifetime. I can hock with a beav for hours about nothing and everything. politics and pussy. literature and life. intellectual and emotional dish sessions (not creepy emotional, a la: white linen wearing freaks, sitting on the beach while the ocean water teases our intertwined legs). but, the real stuff. the grit.it's not that I don't share the same depth or intensity with my boyfriends, male friends or my gay male friends. I do. but, women have a history that bonds us. deeply. women who love women know exaclty what I'm Read more:discuss
the spring issue of girlistic magazine is live! 2007-03-01 05:01:00 what's this issue
of girlistic all about, feminism & technology. run. download. read.bitch dishes her latest album. paula lerner follows aghan birds. emily brant starts a media revolution. starvation.com spins a myspace yarn about eating disorders. technology and choice. sex advice from that fucking feminist ++ the second installation of my vagina and me, my next ex. oh, and so much more.run. read. download. or, run. read.
and they say a cunt can't change it's spots! 2007-03-01 05:00:00 it's true! I've noticed a big lack of cunt in my blog of late and just wanted to breathe life back into the blessed CUNT. cunt. cunt. cunt. cunt. cunt fit. cunt rage. cuntity cunt cunt cunt. Read more:spots
anne coulter calls edwards a faggot 2007-03-03 16:02:00 that cunt-bitch-wretched-whore-bag of a sub-human being, anne cunt coulter called edwards a faggot
during a political debate. she is so disgusting."I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word ‘faggot,’ so I — so kind of an impasse, can’t really talk about Edwards.""It's not the first time Coulter has used anti-gay slurs as a form of insult. Last July she called Al Gore "a total fag." Read more:calls
insomniac nutbag 2007-03-03 08:48:00 I can't sleep. I tried. I hit the pillow and laid there. nothing. sometimes I hit it and I pass out with the same gusto as an anal train pullin' dame. not tonight though.I am consumed with worry. hate that.let's get random, shall we? maybe it will put me to sleep.anna nicole's funeral. pink rhinestone casket pashmina. that's a little under-whelming, isn't it? I was hoping for something much more dramatic.britney spears. on the lam from her overly pampered malibu "rehab" so she can pop by a friend's house for... clothing? does one think about jhushing while detox'ng? if so, I wonder if this joint is truly a sober centric destination or a glorified R&R for the-too-much-money-and-too-much-time, hot mess set. maybe she met a new white trash piece of ass that she wants to gussy up for. way to stay focused on your recovery, twitney.well, peeps, I'm off to make myself horizontal again to see what happens.sweet dreams... Read more:insomniac
time warner drunk 2007-03-03 01:49:00 I called t-warn and asked the drunk
ard. yeah, DRUNKARD, why two accounts were showing up under my name. in the stoniest of stonery voices, he said, shit, I don't know. you don't want to pay for their cable? hearty pot chuckle. hearty pot chuckle. hearty pot chuckle. no, I don't want to pay for their cable, shmeggeggie. put the pipe down and FOCUS, PLEASE. you are to turn off #11 and make sure that #2 STAYS ON. got it?!bitch laughed. he couldn't stay sober for his shift? oh, who the fuck am I kidding, if I had to do customer service, could I take it fat free? hell no. french fry bender here I come! Read more:time warner
and now for.... fartkisaf 2007-03-04 21:18:00 fartkisaf: friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak.... but on saturdays sundays? 1. juice went and injured his freakin' back again, which means orthoville tomorrow. he was doing so well, too. did I mention I'm completely freaked out? utterly. hate this. I'm keeping him very high and very relaxed until tomorrow at 6am. ugh.2. tomorrow begins hell for 30-days (what a negative cunsteenowitz I'm being, geez louise). removal of iodine, sugar, sugar substitutes, soy and gluten from my diet. expect a raging snatch on wheels. though, I suspect that will be short lived because this change should make me feel fabulous. did I mention I'm a vegetarian. severely. oy.3. one of my neighbors is having sex with a much older man. to each her own. still, when you hear "daddy" repeatedly during foreplay and fucking, it just puts a girl right off. last night I was so irritated that I had to dig up and blast barry white's secret garden. once the song began, I said, just in case you lose the
finding vey 2007-03-04 20:47:00 keywords all the way from oy to vey is coming up on is far too funny not to share.secretcoco camel toemensesalcoholismcuntKatie Schwartzkate schwartznational save our boobies foundationhigh maintenance bitchcoco cameltoe "katie schwartz""Katie Schwartz"Tylan powder caninesanna nicole smith"daniel fatheredexpose your breastgay archie comicfcc rules prohibit hypnosisbeth tfiloh dahan radio broadcastIs coco submissive with Ice-TCruising for Jesuspussy flosshelen cuthbert jockeyzealotina "wears nylons" russia
fuck, this city sucks the ass of a beast 2007-03-08 07:19:00 here's a lil' something to consider, when someone says, I can't breathe. I am nauseous. I can't breathe. I really can't breathe anymore. I have to go right now. I can't do this. let me go. I just want to breathe. you should definitely STOP TALKING because a panic/anxiety attack is on the horizon. just one of life's little side notes.on an up note, a single chap, bit rough on the eyes, rolled up on a sweet ass vintage harley and paused to flirt with tittiestum. his bike was fabulous. I thought he was high until I saw the stuffed, hawaiian themed monkey on his back (that ain't a fuckin' metaphor, joke or innuendo). turns out that lil monkey is his faithful companion. as luck would have it, he was retarded. special. touched. short bus. Read more:sucks
10:17 2007-03-09 07:18:00 I'm going to knit. I can't keep clock stalking. 10:18. 10:19. geez fuckin louise. midnight. come on, baby. hit me! come to mama. strike it, baby, strike it.
the pope is a schmuck... no disrespect 2007-03-09 07:11:00 Dylan a False 'Prophet,' Says Pope Benedict : Current Pope Did Not Want John Paul to See Singer in 1997VATICAN CITY (March 8) - Pope Benedict was opposed to Bob Dylan appearing at a youth event with the late Pope John Paul in 1997 because he considered the pop star the wrong kind of "prophet," Benedict writes in a new book issued on Thursday.ok turncoat. you're really the authority on prophets. you couldn't suck your way out of a who's who of prophets debate, pope daddy of doom. the only prophets you know of are the ones in your head, post orgasm whilst little altar boys flee from the confines of your skirt.I'm sorry, but that just pisses me off. dylan is a prophet. gloria steinam is a prophet. gore vidal, neil simon, joni mitchell, whoopi goldberg, maya angelou, charles bukowski, all prophets. I could go on for days, weeks, months. but, I won't bore you. maybe they're not prophets of a religious nature, but they are very much prophets. look up the definition in websters.a pers Read more:schmuck
have a little faith in me 2007-03-09 06:54:00 do you know the song have a little
faith in me by the goddess that is chaka khan?! great tune. download it from itunes.I gotta stay up until midnight. I think we all agree that masturbation is a risk. either it puts a girl right out or keeps her up. while it's true that the monkey toting tard is a hot fantasy, I lost my meat for the week in the move. not sure where it is. it has new batteries and it was as clean as a whistle, so hopefully some horny homeless bird or man muffin found it and is bouncing through the alleys.the hallway hussies are back on stoop patrol. apparently they've decided to call their smoking / dish sessions, lessons. shall we venture a guess? they don't curse or discuss sex. I know this because I ran into them one afternoon while one of the hh's was in the middle of spinning her blind date yarn. when she said he was self absorbed. I said, you know you're date really sucks ass when your vibrator is seemingly more articulate and engaging, right?! three single d Read more:little faith
if I could eat anything... 2007-03-10 04:59:00 I'd inhale an extra large cheese pizza with a macaroni and cheese back. followed by spinach dip with fresh-hot-sourdough-fuck-me-harder bread. for desert, I'd gorge myself on three strawberry ice cream bars covered in milk chocolate.but, I won't be eating that now will I?! no, I won't. I'm bigger than the craving (literally and figuratively). if I want to keep looking like fattiestum and her twin sister esmerelda jean, I can eat until springer hoists a crane through my roof and forklifts me out.fuck. fuck. mother fuck. Read more:anything
stop it! 2007-03-10 04:53:00 who keeps breaking up with me? come on, spill it! one of you bitches keeps adding my blog and deleting me like a dawg. I don't have feelings? I'm chopped livah? is that what you think? it doesn't hurt to be point-blank-chopped?!oh, I assure you, it burns-a-plenty. spill it NOW. I'm waiting. foot's tapping... arms are folded. so, I'm cliche. deal.
here a lip, there a lip, everywhere a lip-lip 2007-03-11 05:21:00 I've noticed a serious no joke lip movement (no pun intended) amongst the thirty something set in the greater los angeles area.I'm a crotch watcher due to my lip phobia. I've unknowingly awakened the fear in the women in my family, too. so much so, my mother told me that while shopping for pants the other day, she asked the sales dame if she had lips. she was shocked. the retail gal, I mean. my mother was the first to ask that question. odd, no? my sister doesn't buy a new pair of pants without asking, am I lippy mess, before purchasing said trousers or jeans.somebody please tell me why broads are bringing back lips? is it a phobia of men not knowing what a split pookie looks like? does it get you more dates?it's very uncomfortable! it's like putting your vadge in a sausage casing. Read more:everywhere
leepee redeems herself 2007-03-18 02:48:00 she posted a scrapbooking journal entry of the whole cauble fucking clan. there are tons of entries, kiddies. ya-fuckin-hoo! I posted my fave. check it out, bitches... love,your resident, hedonistic heeb Read more:herself
lisa whelchel's favorite blogs 2007-03-18 02:47:00 I am heartbroken... I did not make lisa whelchel's favorite blogs list. fuck. fuck. mother fuck. that fucking sucks. gaaahd. what the fuck do I have to do to get in this bitch's good graces. for the love of jesus mary and josephina.
jessica simpson... writer? 2007-03-18 02:38:00 Simpson recently announced that she hopes to release a book of her photos - "mostly of landscapes, of the sky, clouds" - accompanied by journal entries related to the shots. "I know exactly what I was going through when I was taking the picture, and I write it down as I take the picture, so it will be that kind of book."a picture book with captions of her inner-most thoughts. wow... that jessica is so deep. dear inner-most thought;this is a picture of a landscape that I took all by myself in color. oops. I forgot to put film in the camera. oh, wait, duh, it's digital. right? ashlee, is this digital? um. I don't know. ask dad. ok. dad, is this digital? what, jess, the camera or the phone? oooh. now, I'm really confused. anyway, reader of my inner-most thought picture book, this is an "image" of a land scape taken by me, jessica simpson.
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