Owner: True Life is Funnier Than Any Sitcom URL:http://hbjaymz.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Sun, 28 Jan 2007 19:05:31 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: This blog is a collection of my controversial opinions, crazy ideas, and ridiculous observations . . . a glimpse into my brain. I apologize in advance.
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How to Speak Filipino 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Manny Pacquiao, the wildly popular Filipino
boxer, fought on HBO recently and cemented his status as one of the best fighters in the world today.The only thing he can't fight, however, is his horrible accent. Not good when you know you are going to get interviewed by Larry Merchant after the fight.In case you didn't know, us Filipinos, tend to interchange the letter "F" with "P" and vice versa. It's kind of embarrassing.And of course Manny, while the entire world is watching, decides to use ALL THE WORDS in the English language that start with the letter "F" and P" to put the spotlight on our most glaring weakness. Larry: "Congratulations on your win, Manny"Manny: "Yeah, it was a good pight - my funches were berry good. I'd like to thank the Fresident of the Pill-a-ppines por preeing the slabes . . . and"Larry: "Manny, I think that was Lincoln who freed the slaves" Manny: "One last thing Larry. I'd just like to say, Feter Fifer Ficked a Feck of F
Best Pickup Line EVER 1970-01-01 00:59:59 This one is for the fellas . . .Let's say you hit on a girl earlier and she rejected you. There's nothing better than some sweet revenge. When you see the girl again, hit her with this verbal ammunition - guaranteed good time.You: Hi again. I just wanted to tell you how much I like your top.Her: Go away creep!You: Yeah, it's amazing how well it hides your gut and flat chest. Read more:Pickup
Midgets 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Why do we laugh and point when we see midgets in public? We should all be ashamed of ourselves.Last night at the gym I saw a midget jogging on a treadmill. I had to consciously stop myself from laughing out loud. I don't know, it just looked funny. And how in the world did he reach the start button?!Considering the fact I'm short myself, I should probably be more sensitive to little people and their plight.I have a theory on why we laugh at them. There is a direct corollary between who we choose to laugh at and our ability to kick their ass. Allow me to illustrate. If I saw a big, buff, gangster dude slip on a banana, am I going to laugh at him? If I value my health, HELL NO.If I laugh at a midget, what's the worse thing he can do to me? Bite my knee?
All Jokes Aside 1970-01-01 00:59:59 When I started this blog, it wasn't supposed to be full of jokes. Somewhere along the way, I realized that laughter truly is the best medicine for life's worries and ills. Making someone smile or giggle really feels good. Try it sometime!So, if with this blog, I can make just one person look on the bright side of things, if I can make just one person smile, if I can make just one person laugh, then dammit - I'm not very funny. Read more:Jokes
Why Weigh Yourself? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 You know what I find funny? You know what really tickles my pickle? When really fat people weigh themselves.I'll be in the locker room at 24 hour fitness and I'll see these really FAT dudes weighing themselves. When I say fat . . . I mean clinically OBESE. You know, the kind of guys that make all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants reconsider their way of doing business.Here's my take on the situation. If you were to lose 25 pounds and it STILL wouldn't make a significant difference in your physical appearance (i.e. triple chins would still be in full effect) - then don't get on the scale. Because it just doesn't matter. And it looks really silly.It's like being in the backseat of a car driving from California to Florida and after 1 hour asking, "Are we there yet?"You got a LONG way to go, buddy. Read more:Weigh
, Yourself
Babyface 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I used to be a Realtor. The company I worked for sent me on pre-set appointments and it was my job to close close close!Sometimes, I had to deal with really rude clients. When I'd show up at their house, they would open the door and with a surprised look say, "Aren't you a little young to be a Realtor?"I always wanted to reply with, "Aren't you a little old to still be alive?" Read more:Babyface
The Porn Star that Could 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "My way of joking is to tell the truth - It is the funniest joke in the world" - George Bernard ShawYou know, sometimes the weirdest and most random stuff happens to me. The following story may sound too crazy or unbelievable to be true, but seriously, it really happened.I'm just going to come out and say it. A couple months ago I was asked to appear in a porno. Yeah, me. Random, huh? I won't go into the details of who asked me and why they asked me, but just believe me when I say it really happened. Hey, I was just as shocked as you are right now!I would have been paid $2000 for a day's work to do the nasty dance with a well known porn star. I was flattered but declined for obvious reasons. That is all. No jokes here. I'm not even going to explore the ramifications, the social stigma, or the moral implications of such an event.Actually, I REALLY want to bust out a joke right now but I'm
Procrastinators 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Hi. My name is HBJ and I'm a Procrastinator.Alchoholics got the 12 step program, us procrastinators have the OCPG (Orange County Procrastinators Group).We meet every Tuesday night. I joined OCPG last year. Haven't got around to attending a meeting yet, though.
An Actual Conversation at 24 Hour Fitness. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 An Actual Conversation
at 24 Hour Fitness. Based on a true story . . . The following is a coming of age tale. We will begin the scene with our two protagonists on their way to the basketball court. Conflict will surely arise. Will our heroes survive the challenges that lay ahead? Will their journey lead to personal growth? Let's find out . . .Roger: "Did you see if anyone is playing on the court?"BJ: "I saw a couple guys there. Did you grab my ball?"Roger: "Yeah, it's kinda dirty though."BJ: "I know. Did you bring my basketball?"Moments later . . .BJ: "What do you want to workout later? Chest? Biceps? Triceps?Roger: "Let's get sweaty. I wanna have a bi workout."BJ: "Ok, but what bodypart do you want to work on?"End scene.
An Actual Conversation at 24 Hour Fitness II 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The first installment can be found here:http://hbjaymz.blogspot.com/2006/11/actual-conversation-at-24-hour-fitness.htmlBased on a true story . . .Once again we will follow the adventures of Roger and BJ inside 24 Hour Fitness. What will those workout fanatics be up to today? Let's find out . . .Roger: "For reals man, we gotta get serious about this stuff." BJ: "I know. Ok, I'll go first."Roger: "10 reps . . . nice form."BJ: "My arms are killing me!"Roger: "Alright. Now let's do back, then chest."BJ: "Cool, your turn. Here's the soap." End Scene. Read more:Conversation
The New Cleavage 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A new phenomenon is sweeping the nation.It was once taboo . . .All hooters waitresses have it. Their uniform accentuates this body part purposely. Hint: NOT boobs!I call it:THE NEW CLEAVAGEOnce upon time, lovehandles were frowned upon. Now, women everywhere are flaunting this trendy body part. I say, more power to you! In my native tongue (filipino), we call this body part: Bil-bil. Whenever I see a girl rockin' the new cleavage . . . it's UN-BIL-BIL-IEVABLE!
Kindergarten Memories *sigh* 1970-01-01 00:59:59 When I was in Kindergarten
, I was the only asian kid in my class. So, my teacher assumed I couldn't speak in English, although I was born in San Diego and spoke perfect English, thank you very much.They put me in the ESL (English as a Second Language) program.I have memories of totally rockin' that sh*t. I was a cocky little 5 year old.My teacher would be like, "Ok, what does C-A-T spell?""That's cat, bitch. NEXT.""Ok, how about M-O-L-E-C-U-L-E?"After yawning, I returned with, "You bore me. A 'molecule' is an aggregate of two or more atoms in a definite arrangement held together by chemical bonds, DUH . . . Look, if you're not going to take this seriously, I'm leaving. Sesame Street is on."
Elderly Etiquette 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm all about being socially courteous, but don't you hate it when go into a store and hold the door for the person behind you, but they never grab the door? It seems like you're holding the door for what seems like hours.So you let the door go, thinking they're not coming inside. Then all of a sudden, like a rattlesnake trying to attack its' prey, they LUNGE for the quickly closing door. But alas, their pounce is in vain because the door has inadvertently been slammed in their face!As a result, they stare you down like you ate their last cookie or something. And this day is no ordinary day. It's "Cookie show and tell day"You end up looking like this asshole with no patience because you let a door close on some poor old lady, and everybody looks at you thinking, "Geez, why didn't he hold the door a little longer? What a jerk"Don't cha hate that? True story by the way.Hey old lady! Yeah, I'm talking to you. Next time, freakin' RUN when I hold the door for y Read more:Etiquette
Friendly Kiss (Entertainment News) 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Hi and welcome to "Entertainment
News with HBJ!" where I put my spin on the latest Hollywood headlines.Jennifer Anniston and Courtney Cox to Make Out on Dirt Friends fans may have been hoping for it for a decade or so and now their dreams can come true as websites reported this week that former co-stars Jennifer Anniston and Courtney Cox will share a lesbian kiss on the new FX series Dirt.Producers are also considering having the two actresses star in a new soap opera, "The Old and the Beautiful."Kevin Federline urges Britney Spears to go into rehab Kevin Federline is reportedly urging estranged wife Britney Spears to go into rehab after witnessing her vomit uncontrollably after another drunken night. Britney denies having a drinking problem -- she claims her vomiting was a result of listening to Federline's new rap CD. Read more:Friendly
Road Rage 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Some people hate it when other drivers cut you off, or go too slow in the fast lane, or give you the finger.Do you know what I really hate?Cops. Read more:Road Rage
You Have the Prettiest Eyes 1970-01-01 00:59:59 On more than one occasion I've had people tell me I have pretty eyes. But I must confess, I was not born with these mysterious, optic ornaments. No, no, no -- they are merely colored contact lenses. When people tell me I have pretty eyes, it brings up quite the moral dilemma. Do I lie? Do I keep the fantasy alive? Do I begin our relationship on a foundation of deceit?I haven't been this confused since the time I was at Carl's Jr. and the cashier was this hermaphrodite looking, pre-op transsexual He/She type person. Man or woman? I couldn't tell!The "He/She" was like, "Here's your change sir"Nervously I replied with, "Thanks Man - uhhh . . . I mean . . . Ma'am? - uhhh . . . what I meant was . . . damn, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!"
Yo HBJ Raps 1970-01-01 00:59:59 What's up with these rap videos? Have you seen one lately? I have NEVER seen anything more offensive in my whole life! I was watching MTV the other day and I couldn't believe my eyes . . .Violence, drugs, guns, naked women being called "bitches" -- and that was just a commercial for "The Real World"
Stupid Questions 1970-01-01 00:59:59 When I was little, I asked my Dad for a raise in my allowance. He asked me, "Do you think money grows on trees?"I remember thinking, "What the f*ck? No Dad, fruit grows on trees. Like oranges and apples and sh*t. If money grew on trees, I would NOT have asked for a raise in my allowance -- I would've asked you where the damn ladder was." Read more:Stupid
, Stupid Questions
Mother's Day 1970-01-01 00:59:59 If I call you a Realtor, it's because you sell real estate. If I call you a doctor, it's because you went to school for about ten years, got a PHD, and you practice medicine.But, I can call you a "Motherf*cker" -- even if you never had intercourse with a mom before!You can be a "Motherf*cker" without having the proper credentials . . . Amazing.
Happy Holidays 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Christmas has come and gone, and I'm sad. My best present this year was a cheap, plastic, toy sword. Yes, a toy sword! I'm 27 years old for crying out loud.I'm PISSED! How can you give me a toy sword -- without the matching shield?Stop looking at my ass. Read more:Happy
, Happy Holidays
, Holidays
Stretch First 1970-01-01 00:59:59 You should always stretch before working out. I pulled a groin the other day -- the dude was so mad. Read more:First
, Stretch
Pass a Tissue 1970-01-01 00:59:59 You know how when you snort cocaine . . . it stings your mucous membranes and freakin' hurts like hell and how it makes you all crazy and violent and then your family and friends won't talk to you anymore and you lose all your money and stuff and then you gotta deal with the cops then call your lawyer and then you get all paranoid thinking about possible jail time and the big guys in prison who haven't been with a woman in years who would love to rip you a new one then you think back to that party where you snorted for the first time and your brain starts going like 500 miles a minute and then you start regretting ever going to that party then you start feeling depressed then angry then depressed again?Yeah, that sucks.
Angelina Who? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Who's hot these days? Angelina
Jolie?Gag.Jessica Alba?Maybe if she had a paper bag over her head.No, no, no . . . my object of desire would DESTROY those cows in any beauty contest. Literally, she would destroy them -- either with her tennis racquet or her unusually muscular arms.I have a HUGE crush on pro tennis star Serena Williams. And this is no ordinary crush. It is borderline obsession. Why do I love her so much?Is it her unmatched talent on the tennis court? No.Is it her amazing man-like "she might be taking steroids" physique?No, but I'm jealous of it.Is it her unbelievable beauty?I figured some of you might assume that, based on this picture. I mean, look at her intense, bedroom eyes. Look at her lovely face that screams out, "I'm gonna eat you alive!" She's glowing . . . *sigh* . . . glowing. If my "chocolate angel" isn't hot, I don't know what is.I love her for one reason and one reason alone -- I'm clinically retarded.
Confused 1970-01-01 00:59:59 It's no wonder immigrants are confused by the English language. They go to take the subway only to see a bunch of f*cking sandwiches.
Bah, Humbug! 2007-12-14 17:46:00 It's everyone's favorite time of the year ... Christmas time! So, a couple weeks ago, this old lady at work took it upon herself to organize a "Secret Santa" exchange party. She walks behind me while I'm at my computer and asks me if I would like to join in on the festivities. By the way, she was more enthusiatic than a pre-teen girl at a Justin Timberlake concert.First of all, don't walk up behind me unannounced. I could have been looking at some "questionable" websites. Right off the bat, that put me in a pissy mood.For some reason, I felt the peer pressure. Various thoughts went through my head. "I don't want to. F*ck that. I don't wanna spend $20 bucks on some co-worker I hate. What if the present I get sucks? Aww crap, everyone will think I'm cheap if I don't participate. Oh, whatever Read more:Humbug
Grocery Shopping Tip 2007-09-04 23:44:00 Never go grocery shopping while you're hungry! I made that unfortunate mistake today, and now I'm stuck with 2 months worth of italian sausage, hot dog buns that will probably expire before I even have one, an 8 pound bag of frozen popcorn chicken, and 35 packages of top ramen. Read more:Grocery
, Shopping
psychic 2007-08-30 20:20:00 I think I'm psychic. A couple days ago I had a dream about a hot air balloon that went down in flames. Then the very next day, the news covered a story about a HOT AIR BALLOON THAT WENT DOWN IN FLAMES! True story.
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