The "I Like This Mike Better!" Offensive
2008-03-07 12:38:00
Well, since Mike Holmes seems to still be all offended and keeps renewing his restraining order against me, I've decided to find a new Mike to love. Lucky for me there are plenty of them out there, and that I happen to have the Discovery Channel!!They have all the best Mike's on that channel.It should be called Discover Mike Channel, really.In fact, that's where I found this guy. He is my new and improved Mike:Oh yeaaaah. Mike Rowe is my new Mike.He is much handsomer than that easily offended Canadian handy man ever dreamed of being! He may even be the most handsome Mike ever in the history of Mikes!! Well, at least the ones on that channel.I mean, between you and me, who wouldn't love Mike Rowe and all those Dirty Jobs of his?!!He is so funny and well, dirty, but he is dirty in a good way
Read more: Offensive
The "I LOVE the Rich and Vain and $tupid!!" Offensive
2008-03-04 16:43:00
So, no offense if you are rich and vain and stupid, but thanks to you I am set for life. That's right, because of your type, I was able to retire in my 30's to become The Offended Blogger full time.Thanks!! :)(Hey, I knew you had to be wondering by now, so yes, in real life I do have other skills besides making up stuff and trying to offend you!!)You did know the other stuff was made up, right?What?! You actually believed that Jesus the taco truck guy exists??Hooyah!! I am good! :)Anyhoo... in my very real real life, I do have very real skills, and the rich and vain and stupid were my cash cow.Oh, don't worry, they lost interest up at the first paragraph so it's OK to talk about them!Don't give me that look.No, I am not ashamed of the years that I spent exploiting them! It is not my fault
Read more: Offensive
The "I Hate Everything Today!!" Offensive
2008-03-03 11:40:00
So, no offense but I am a bit grumpy and I just hate everything today!! (Well, everything but you, because you are my #1 fan, of course! ;)I will admit, I may have a *bit* of a problem controlling myself when I get grumpy. Once in a while I do some very not-nice things to try to make myself feel better.Like one time I did this to my hubby's car after he forgot to put the lid down on the toilet:I also did this to my neighbor's mailbox when she didn't wave at me, but only one time:Oh, and one time I did this to our house when I was too grumpy to clean it: Oh, and there were those two times when I got so mad at the tourists who come here and drive so frigging slow and never tip anyone and wear socks with their stupid sandals and think it is cute to try to pet the buffalo, that I did this:Stup
Read more: Today
, Everything
, Offensive
The Weekender Offender
2008-03-01 13:17:00
Hey fellow offenders! It is the weekend again, and this Weekender Offender
is dedicated to the late, great Bill Hicks! He was one of the bestest fecking offenders to ever walk the planet. :)Speaking of offending, the other day, I got to thinking, I want to add a spot to the top of my sidebar for great "offending" quotes. So I came up with a few of my own, and thought I'd ask you, my #1 fan, to come up with some, too. The Blog Catalog members who have nothing better to do but entertain me also came up with a few excellent ones of their own! I will be rotating all of the quotes on my sidebar for a little link love and some free advertising. Because, despite my offensive alter-ego, I am nice like that. ;)Anyhoo... if you happen to think up any, let me know and I will add them to the rotation
The "OK, What the Fatwa Went Wrong?!" Offensive
2008-02-28 23:22:00
Well, I'm sure by now you've heard what happened to me. Yes, it is awful, but I'm strong. I will overcome this, I have a lot of support.Oh, hey, don't worry!! I would never blame you. It is just as much my fault as it is yours that things got out of hand and on the bright side, at least I still have internet access!!Of course, I only get an hour a day and I have to kickbox a few oversized lesbian bullies to get to the computer, but it is worth it! I'd be lost without coming here to update you on all my offenses!I just feel sooo lucky to have such loyal fans all over the world who are rooting for me.Like you, and like the guy who runs Vegas. He is always sooooo nice to me:Oh, and then there are the Canadians, they have always been my #1 fan (especially Mike Holmes, he really loves me!):I kn
Read more: Wrong
, Fatwa
, Offensive
The "Fatwa the Rest of You, Too!!" Offensive
2008-02-27 09:43:00
Well, let me just say, my Fatwa
list is a lot longer than before!There were quite a few readers who had some well deserving, highly Fatwa-able bastards in mind and I am more than happy to oblige!You know me, I am nice that way! :)The requests were great, too!Like, .45 who wants me to Fatwa yuppies.Now, I wasn't sure if it was just the ones in his neighborhood or ALL of them in the world, so to be safe I put them all on my list.They are so frigging annoying with their stupid little "smart" cars and their deer-in-the-headlight looks whenever I get right up on their asses in my gas-guzzling monster truck and scream Irish curse words at them while they are trying to pull into the Green World Market parking lot to buy organic orange juice!!Hooyah! That is fun!Heh, between you and me, I hope .45
Read more: Offensive
The "Hey, Fatwa You Too!!" Offensive
2008-02-25 10:37:00
Well, GOOD MORNING!! What a great Monday!! I am soooo damn happy, my conversion to Islam and subsequent Fatwa
s against winter are working out better than I could have ever imagined! The weather outside is just lovely, and when I turned on the news I almost couldn't believe the forecast for the whole week: I know, NO SNOW!!! Hooyah!!Oh, and I got a new weatherman, too! Doesn't he look kinda familiar? I think he used to host America's Funniest Videos or something.Anyhoo... I decided that since my Fatwas are apparently so productive, I am going to use my newfound power to take care of a few other things that have really been offending and pissing me off lately.For the last 5 minutes I have been making a whole list of them.OK, I know what you're thinking. "Chelle B., I hope I'm not on your lis
Read more: Offensive
The Weekender Offender
2008-02-23 11:13:00
Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again and this Weekender Offender
is dedicated to the man with THE BESTEST FECKING WILLY EVER.... Mr. .45 himself. His entry into the "What Was Willy Reading" Offensive blew the other two dicks right out of the water!!So congratulations to the man with the best Willy and to celebrate, here is a little visual of Willy himself reading the winning title (as made by the lovely and talented Claire, the doodle Queen of England):.45's ad will be in my sidebar all week, so click it and go tell him how great his Willy is! He can never hear that enough. :)OK, now with that out of the way... I have a very, very very important announcement to make!! After waking up to yet another blanket of white manna from hell covering everything outside and rubbing it in my f
The "For the Record, Mr. Angry Man!" Offensive
2008-02-22 01:00:00
So, I won't mention names or anything, but in my "Bring on the Global Warming!" Offensive
, some "Angry Man" practically accused me of being one of those Pro-White Idaho Bloggers that you always see on Fox News, and let me tell you, I was almost offended!!!I know, what a bastard, huh!!(Just between you and me, I ROFLMAO because I thought it was funny as hell, but don't tell him I said that! ;)Anyhoo... before some other Angry commentator of the Penile Persuasion gets the wrong idea and calls up the ACLU to have me put on some secret Pro-White Idaho Blogger watch list or something, I thought I better take a moment here and set the record straight!!I mean, I do have a reputation to uphold!Now first of all, I am not even remotely within driving distance to the local Idaho White Bloggers union
Read more: Record
The "Bring on the Global Warming!!" Offensive
2008-02-21 02:05:00
So um, no offense, but I am becoming a very big fan of global warming. In fact, I am probably the biggest fan global warming has ever had at this point!!I live in the arctic zone here in Idaho, so when I hear people bitching about global warming, I just want to bury them in the twelve feet of snow that is still outside my house right now and see how they like it.Ugh!!!That's right, I want global warming to happen so badly and I don't really care who it offends because I am soooooo very, very, very sick of looking at this every day:OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., what is wrong with you? It looks absolutely beautiful there!!! Like a postcard, even!!".Pfffttt!! It is an evil optical illusion, believe me!! It is only beautiful right up until Christmas day.In fact, if it wasn't for
Read more: Global
, Offensive
The "Vengeance is Mine!!" Offensive
2008-02-19 11:53:00
So you know that old saying, "Hell hath no fury like a woman locked in a bunker while her husband shoots arrows at a pinata target that looks like her and sings 'Jesus is just alright with me' all day."??That's right, and I made up a new one to go with it: "Vengeance is mine sayeth Chelle B.!!!".Yep, and nobody is better at vengeance OR fury than I am.Nobody!! Heh, just ask Jesus! :)Oh, wait, I almost forgot, you can't!!!I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., you didn't! That poor Jesus!!".Please! How can you feel sorry for that bastard after what he did to me?! Heh, he is just lucky it was so quick and almost painless:That's right! It wasn't so quick and almost painless for his taco truck though. It took them a few days to put that fire out, mostly because that sticky imported "incense"
Read more: Offensive
The "Votes For Willy's Book Title!!" Offensive
2008-02-18 11:07:00
Well...... I survived my weekend of offending (boy was it fun, hooyah!) and now it is Monday and every muscle aches but here I am because it is time to announce the 3 top entries for the "What Was Willy
Reading" contest!!Yay!!Now then, before I announce the finalists and open the polls, I wanted to dedicate this post to my two favorite non-sex toys. Which one do you think is my very, very, very most favorite of the two?Ha! It is a trick question, the answer is: neither one! They are BOTH my favorite!That's right, both of them have nice smiles, at least 3 hairs (which are always styled so very fashionably), they both love to hike, have great British accents and know a ton of great foreign curse words, are good sports, and they both annoy and piss more people off at blogcatalog.com than I do
Read more: Title
, Votes
, Offensive
The Weekender Offender
2008-02-16 08:51:00
Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!I finally devised a way to bust out of my prison bunker so I am heading out for the weekend to commit a few of my own offenses, hooyah!! Hopefully I'll get a chance to teach that taco-slinging Jesus a lesson or two while I'm at it!!I'll be back Monday to announce the 3 top entries of the "What Was Willy Reading?" contest so we can begin voting and to fill you in on all the details of my quest for vengence. Until then, I found this offensive little video that will make you ROFL, or at least LOL:Enjoy!!This post is being censored over at:
Read more: Offender
The "The Tacos From Hell" Offensive
2008-02-13 11:27:00
So, you know that song by the Doobie Brothers, "Jesus is Just Alright With Me"?? Ugh, I hate that song now! It is such a lie!!That's right, Jesus so isn't alright with me. I think I hate him more than that song, even, and as soon as I possibly can, I am so getting a new taco truck driver!!Yep, you heard me. I will never eat another taco made by Jesus as long as I live!!Ever.Not even if he begs me.Or puts extra, extra jalapeños on it.Ha! I probably won't even buy nearly as much of his sticky, imported "incense" after what he has done to me, either!OK, I know what you are thinking:"But Chelle B., what could he possibly have done to make you say all this? I thought he is your #1 fan?!"Well, believe me, so did I!But you tell me, did he come by and leave a nice comment on my RIP post like you
Read more: Tacos
, Offensive
The "Look Whose Best Willy Won!!" Offensive
2008-02-12 10:55:00
Well, folks, we have a winner of our first "What Was Willy
Thinking?" contest!! Thanks to everyone who voted, (and a big thanks to Claire and Willy for being such great sports!!)It was a tight race, no pun intended, and we almost found ourselves with a tie between Matt-Man and Roger!! If that had been the case, I was planning on making them tell me what their Willy's were thinking at the moment and whoever made me LOL harder would have won!!Boy am I glad we didn't have to go there! :pAnyhoo... as a special treat, I am bringing on Willy as a guest blogger because the lovely Claire told me that he wanted to convey the whole story in his very own words:(#1 comment only received 2 votes, one of which was probably from Alison, the original writer. I know who the other voter was personally becau
Read more: Offensive
The "What Was Willy Reading??" Contest
2008-02-10 18:19:00
So now that you all have had the pleasure of meeting Claire's Willy
, and you helped make the last "What Was Willy Thinking?" contest so fun and arousing, it is time for the second installment!I know! It is so fun to play with Willy. :)Now then, you already know how much our little Willy loves a good, hard workout, so we thought it was time to show the intellectual side of our beloved little love monkey.(Willy is not just a mindless love-muscle, you know!! He has a very large intellect to go with that hard body of his!)So, for this week's Offended Blogger (with help from A Little Piece of Me!) "What Was Willy...." caption contest, we thought it would be fun if you tell us what it is that Willy is reading to help flex his groinal lobes:It is your turn to flex your own intellectual groinal lo
Read more: Contest
, Reading
The "R.I.P., Chelle B." Offensive
2008-02-10 01:30:00
Chelle B.: Friend and fellow offender.Gone, but not forgotten.Yep, that's right, this is is my last post!! By the time you read this, my funeral will probably be over and my ashes will have been scattered over the tops of the Grand Tetons, or at least in a jar in the backseat of the truck ready to go.I know! I will miss you too!!Don't tell the other offenders, but you were always my favorite.You LOL'd at all of my offenses, you entered my new Offended Blogger "What Was Willy Thinking?" contest, you bailed me out of that Mexican jail a couple of times... gosh, you were the bestest fecking RSS subscriber a girl could ever dream of!!Well, except that one really rude comment you left. I never really got over it even though I told you it was OK.Anyhoo.... sorry it had to end this way, but you a
Read more: Offensive
The Weekender Offender - Willy Edition!
2008-02-09 01:00:00
Welcome to a very special edition of the Weekender Offender
, featuring the final voting for this week's "What Was Willy
Thinking?" caption contest!!We had quite a rousing reaction to our first ever Willy competition, with nearly 70 entries, and it was extremely stimulating for Claire and I to see all of the wonderful and funny responses. Of course, Willy was beyond excited and he is simply ready to burst now that we have reached this week's climax!!I'm sure you know that was not easy to select the top three entries, they were all very creative, and funny, and exceeded our expectations. We did our best and just randomly picked three out of a top hat. (No, sadly it wasn't Lord Likely's top hat, although if it had been, it would only have further increased our excitement!!) So, on that note,
Read more: Edition
The "New Rules for Pandas and Jesus" Offensive
2008-02-08 13:50:00
(The "What Was Willy Thinking?" caption contest will officially close soon, so for those of you who participated, thank you!! For those who haven't yet, hurry!!The voting begins this weekend on the Weekender Offender post which will be up sometime tomorrow so make sure you come back to cast your vote, and may the Best Willy Win!! ) From the upcoming "2008 Guide to All Things Offensive
" by Chelle B.:Rule #1 - Pandas are no longer allowed to be Chinese.Rule #2 - This naturally means that Jesus
, my taco truck guy can no longer be Hispanic. :*(Vinod Gupta, the chairman and chief executive of InfoUSA in Omaha, the parent of Salesgenie.com, said in a telephone interview Tuesday that a commercial featuring two animated pandas speaking with what were intended as Chinese accents would be withdrawn.
Read more: New Rules
, Rules
The "Church Signs say the Darndest Things!" Offensive
2008-02-06 22:27:00
(Pssst.... in case you didn't know, there is an Offended Blogger "What Was Willy Thinking?" caption contest going on 2 posts down, don't miss it! 60 + entries already! Voting starts Friday and the winner will be announced on Monday. A new Willy contest starts this Sunday, too. Hooyah!!)So anyhoo... after that Aussie crybaby set my effing teeth on edge earlier, I decided to just put it behind me and turn the other cheek, at church. OK, well it wasn't really church, it was actually this really fun website I found called Church
Sign Generator where I created the following offensive church signs to humor myself:This first one was inspired by and is dedicated to Ender over at Red Monkey . It is a recreation of a true story that happened to her.(Note that the "R" in "FIRST" fell off, so it start
Read more: Offensive
The "Effing Crybabies Down Under" Offensive
2008-02-06 16:18:00
The "What Was Willy Thinking?" caption contest is still running until Friday, when we close the comments and start voting, so don't miss out!!! Until then, here is a fresh offense to keep you occupied. :)I swear, those effing Aussies are so easily offended. I bet if you conducted a poll on who is the easiest to offend on this whole effing planet, those effers would win. I found this effing article written by an Aussie about how the "F" bomb is too effing offensive, and it really effing rubbed me the wrong effing way!!What a bunch of big effing babies. Don't they effing have anything better to do than effing worry about a little effing "bad" word?? I know! As if a there aren't more effing important things out there to focus on, like the effing environment, the effing starving effers in Afri
Read more: Offensive
The "What Was Willy Thinking?" Offensive
2008-02-03 15:51:00
Yay! I have decided to add an Offended Blogger caption contest here for those who would like to participate, (and I know you will when you see who the star of the contest is! ;)Claire, over at A Little Piece of Me, has graciously lent me her most prized possession - the Wonderful Mr. Willy
- for us to play with!! I know!!That's right, I just love that little fecker (hmmm... or would that be pecker??). Willy is just soooo adorable, is always "up" for the job at hand, and always has that silly grin on his cute little face.Such a trooper that one!Now then, the rules are simple; leave a comment with your entry and I will run the contest all week. Claire and I will choose the top 3 captions and you'll have a chance to vote for the best one of all on the next Weekender Offender post.The caption
Read more: Offensive
The Weekender Offender
2008-02-02 16:22:00
Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!! This Weekender Offender
is dedicated to the late, great Jimi Hendrix. RIP Jimi!!Soooo what offenses are you up to without me?? Hey, if I'm lucky, you are out getting drunk right now and the video will be up on YouTube just in time for me to add you to my new blog!!That's right, another one.Hooyah!!I named it "The International Drunk" and the name kinda speaks for itself, doesn't it.Yep, I'm now "Blogging the shitfaced from around the globe...because they're out there." Go check it out!!Maybe someone you know is showcased in all their drunken glory.Oh before you do, I also have to announce my latest "Offender of the Week" awards. There were actually two bloggers who grabbed my attention and offended me in just the right way this week.First was
The "Repase Esto!" Offensive
2008-01-31 18:36:00
So recently I submitted a blog-review to a website which shall remain nameless until I get my review back.Hey, I don't want you running over there and seeing the results before I do!Plus, I know how you feel about me and I wouldn't want you to do something you'll regret out of revenge to the nice people over at _____-____.___ if my review comes back badly.Which, in all likelihood it will. The reviewers over at _____-____.___ are a pretty tough bunch, and lately it seems like they have been sporting some extra large offending-arse-sticks, so I am not holding out hope that they will have mercy on me when it comes to my turn!Do I care though?Ha!Knowing them, I can already imagine how it will go:Too long? Please!!She just wishes she knew as many words as I do. Her and her four word posts are s
Read more: Offensive
The "It's the End of the World" Offensive
2008-01-30 00:35:00
(This post is for all of you who are easily offended, the rest of you can just sit this one out, k? :)Psst, hey, you!That's right, I'm talking to you - the easily offended one who always has your panties in a wad.You know who you are! You're the one who comes by and reads my blog and then loses sleep knowing I am out here in cyber space contributing to the scary global unrest out there by stirring up all this offensive stuff.The one who sends me anonymous emails begging me to stop offending you.Wah!!Hey, guess what?No... I am not going to stop blogging!In fact, I received a message from God today, and he told me to keep blogging and to tell you that the end of the world is close at hand, and that it's all your damned fault for being so frigging offended all the time!!Yep, that's right.His
Read more: World
, Offensive
The "Oh, um.. ehwww!!!" Offensive
2008-03-12 01:30:00
(This is my 1st Wordless Wednesday post. I'm not supposed to talk, just put up a picture and let you do the talking for me. Hope you like the picture I picked! I thought it was.. oh, heh, I'm not supposed to talk, oops! Sorry Wordless Wednesday rule making people!!)(Since I can't say anything I'm adding the following wordless reactions I personally had below)
Read more: Offensive
The "I Really am the Antichrist, Dammit!!" Offensive
2008-03-10 11:23:00
Well, no offense to the pope, but it looks like I am the Antichrist
. That's right, it's me, and since you are my #1 fan I felt obligated to tell you about it. I mean, between you and me, you may even want to get some therapy now that you know you are the #1 fan of the Antichrist!!Hey, don't worry, I won't think less of you.OK, I know what you're thinking. "Chelle B., you are so nice and practically angelic, what makes you think you are the Antichrist?!"Because it's true!I actually started wondering a few weeks ago when I realized that I love to eat crab and bacon, but I absolutely hate to eat fish, olives, figs, wine and lamb!Weird, huh?! I knew it couldn't just be a coincidence, and then I found a website that confirmed my suspicions.Check it out for yourself, I bet YOU aren't the Antichr
Read more: Offensive
The "A Preview of Things to Come" Offensive
2008-03-09 11:00:00
Well, no offense, but pretty soon I will be switching gears from my winter bitching to my spring and summer bitching. That's right, the snow is melting and it won't be long before my backyard will look like this 'I-don't-have-time-to-sit-on-the-computer-and-annoy-you-with-my-cabin- fever-induced-offenses-because-I-live-in-frigging-paradise-and-have-better- things-to-do-all-day' postcard again:Hooyah!Yep, and I will get to pack away all the sweaters and gloves and scarfs, and bring out the shorts and tank tops and camo bikinis as well as my list of things I will be bitching about all spring and summer long!It isn't a long list, but I wanted to let you know about this so we can enjoy this little window of time we have together before I start bitching about things like: 1. Mud.As much as I ha
Read more: Offensive
, Preview
The Weekender Offender "Tattoo Me!" Edition!
2008-03-08 15:39:00
Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again and this Weekender Offender
is dedicated to ME!! That's right, I am the bestest fecking offender ever in the history of offenders, and to prove it I added a picture of myself up there just for you.No, I am not picking my nose in that picture, I am only pretending to. I am really flipping you off!See how good I am at this offending business?Hooyah!!!To celebrate, this weekend I decided I am going to get a new tattoo and I'd love it if you would help me pick just the right one!OK, I know what you are thinking and noooo, I won't get a portrait of you, my #1 fan, tattooed on my ass. I mean, believe me, I would, but I already have my Germany birthmark there, remember?! Plus, I want it to be bad ass and a bit offensive, and let's face it, you are too
Read more: Edition
The Weekender Offender
2008-03-14 20:09:00
Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again and this Weekender Offender
is dedicated to a fellow offender and one of the funniest humor bloggers out there, Kevin from Pointlessbanter.He is the man who recently gave the following response to a question over at Blog Catalog that someone asked regarding what we as bloggers would do if we found out that something we wrote offended someone:"I have without a doubt pissed off everyone that reads my blog at one time or another. Everything is funny until you hit on a topic that is touchy to someone.They will get over it, if not than honestly they need to get a life. It is your blog, your voice, and not everyone is always going to be happy with what is being said. You give in and back down because someone got their feathers ruffled once you will ha
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