Canada to Annex North Dakota, Residents "Quite Pleased" 2008-02-10 09:00:00 CWT - Bismark, ND. Cats With Thumbs midwest affilate reports year long secret negotiations between the U.S. & Canada
are in the " final stages, " and the U.S. State of NorthDakota
is expected to become the 11th Canadian Province before the end of 2008. If the annexation proceeds as planned, it will be the first peaceful reduction of United States continental territory and the first and only U.S. State to be sold to another country. The Canadian Department of Foreign Affairs and International Trade refused official comment when asked for verification by CWT reporters on location in Ottawa. A Canadian Foreign Affairs official told Cats With Thumbs off the record: " We couldn't be happier - as you are no doubt aware, Canada is seldom at the forefront of global media interest and the cou
Ku Klux Klan Attempts Makeover, Americans "Unimpressed" 2008-01-22 07:34:00 CWT - Aboard the Motor Vessel "Eva Braun" Somewhere in the South Atlantic. In an exclusive interview, exiled Grand Wizard of the White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan Absalom Knib revealed to Cats With Thumbs a long range plan to revamp and revitalize the moribund white supremacist terror organization. Knib told CWT he aims to make the KKK " more user friendly " and " in touch with the younger generation."The Ku Klux Klan, with its long history of violence, is the most infamous — and oldest — of American hate groups. Although black Americans
have typically been the Klan's primary target, it also has attacked Jews, immigrants, homosexuals and, until recently, Catholics. Over the years since it was formed in December 1865, the Klan has typically seen itself as a Christian organization, alth Read more:Makeover
IRS to Target Homeless "Scofflaws" 2008-01-17 11:38:00 CWT - Washington, DC. A confidential Cats With Thumbs source inside the United States Internal Revenue Service reports a new IRS policy will focus on "generating additional tax revenue from citizens without a permanent address or domicile." The new initiative, detailed in an internal IRS white paper obtained by Cats With Thumbs, " will aggressively collect long overdue tax obligations from unreported panhandling, begging, and windshield washing incomes from those citizens who have thus far avoided payment by refusing to maintain a fixed address or location." The IRS source, who asked that his name be withheld, told CWT, " There's millions, maybe billions of undocumented dollars out there in those little bags and paper cups - we didn't go after it before because, frankly, the collection pro Read more:Target
On the Campaign Trail - Special to Cats With Thumbs 2008-01-12 09:18:00 CWT - Cats With Thumbs Headquarters, Charleston, SC. Democratic and Republican Presidential candidates recently visited South Carolina to drum up support and energize their respective campaigns. Cats With Thumbs took advantage of the opportunity and hit the streets to get reactions and opinions from citizens across our home State. CWT will feature 4 of the front runners in each issue this week - here's what the people had to say:Barack Obama"How old is he? He looks like the kid that bags my groceries, and he always squishes my bread."Ermeline Thelp, Charleston."I don't think my Mom likes him; I heard her say she'd like to throw down with him - he looks like the man that fixes things in the bedroom when Daddy isn't here."Billy Farraday, Greenville."Too preachy. That's all he does - preach, Read more:Campaign
, Special
, Trail
U.S. Navy Donates F-14 Fighters to Greenpeace 2008-01-07 08:44:00 CWT - San Francisco. A confidential source inside the Greenpeace
environmental protection organization revealed to Cats With Thumbs the United States Navy will donate 6 recently decommissioned Grumman F-14 Tomcat multi-role strike fighter aircraft to help Greenpeace upgrade their whaling interdiction and self defense capabilities. A highly placed Greenpeace operative, speaking off the record, told CWT: "This will change our entire environmental defense paradigm - we've been taking it on the chin from the fishing conglomerates for years; it's a whole new ball game now." The U.S. Navy Public Affairs Office at Patuxent River, MD. refused to comment when contacted for verification by Cats With Thumbs. A U.S. Navy Captain involved with the final F-14 decommissioning spoke with CWT on condition Read more:Fighters
Illegal Immigrants Discovered Aboard International Space Station 2008-01-03 15:39:00 CWT-Houston. Cats With Thumbs Texas Bureau has learned from a confidential source at the NASA Johnson Space
Center that five illegal immigrants were discovered aboard the United States Space Shuttle Discovery soon after it docked with the International
Space Station
on October 25, 2007. The three Ukrainian and two Romanian nationals were found inside a Shuttle Discovery cargo pod used to transport supplies from the earth to the space station. All five stowaways had obtained and were wearing NASA standard issue pressure suits; CWT's inside source reported all five were in "good health and jolly spirits" when they were escorted from their hideaway.According to internal documents obtained by CWT from NASA, all five men were employed without work authorization or visas by a company under cont Read more:Illegal Immigrants
Pope to Convert, Join Southern Baptists - Vatican "Dumbfounded" 2007-12-31 16:32:00 CWT-Vatican
City. Cats with Thumbs Italian station reports Pope Benedict XVI will announce his resignation from the papacy and conversion to the Southern
Baptist religion - sources inside the Vatican say Pope Benedict will make a public resignation Wednesday during the scheduled 10:00AM Papal Audience at St. Peter's square. The Vatican press office would neither confirm nor deny the report when asked for an explanation by CWT reporters - several Cardinals, speaking on condition their names be withheld, said they were " shocked, dismayed, and, dumbfounded " at the news. " We just put that whole 'priests and child abuse mess' behind us, and now this," lamented one distraught bishop, " I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph; it's one thing after another!"CWT sources at the Vatican could give no defi Read more:Convert
Unfortunately, a Personal Note 2007-12-29 14:59:00 Our great friend Grandpa passed away this morning. We found him wandering around the neighborhood in May; fur in patches, way underweight, with severe back and allergy problems. He's been to our vet at least one day a week since we found him - steroids, clavamox, baytril, elavil, etc . . . We took him in Friday for another short term steroid injection; this morning he developed severe respiratory problems - we rushed him to the vet but he was gone soon after we got there. He was a fighter and wanted to live.I promised myself I would not make this blog a personal diary or a "touchy-feely" narrative, but he was my friend, he was dealt a rotten hand, and he deserves a spot in the limelight. Say a goodbye prayer for Grandpa, if you would - I miss him terribly.
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Putin Declared "Tsar of All the Christmases" 2007-12-24 17:01:00 CWT-Moscow. Vladimir Putin
, fresh from his successful orchestration of Russia's latest power shuffle, was awarded yet another title, " Tsar of All the Christmases," at a special assembly of the Russian Parliament. Russia's newly elected (?) President, Dmitry Medvedev, presided over the ceremony, presenting Putin with a jewel-encrusted fur cap embroidered in gold with the title " Vlad the Claus " on the brim. Duma members rose in unison and applauded as a beaming Putin declared, " now Christmas is the law."Only last week, Putin, prevented from seeking another term as President by the Russian constitution, successfully manipulated his United Russia party protege' and longtime ally Medvedev into Russia's highest office - Medvedev immediately returned the favor and appointed Putin Prime Minis
Santa Goes Green for Bad Boys and Girls 2007-12-23 08:23:00 CWT - North Pole. At a hastily called press conference this morning, lawyers for Claus, Blitzen, and Rudolph, L.L.C. revealed that company president and CEO Santa
Claus has bowed to pressure from a number of environmental groups and will no longer be placing lumps of coal in the Christmas stockings of bad children. Reading from a prepared statement, attorney Garland Wreath delivered the news: "After last year's lawsuit by People Interested in Starting Something Asinine, Negative, and Trivial (P.I.S.S.A.N.T.) and the subsequent appellate ruling prohibiting us from delivering the traditional bundle of switches, we felt it would be best for the corporation and Mr. Claus to agree to the request from the political action organization Deliver Us from Holidays (D.U.H.) that we no longer deliver t Read more:Bad Boys
, Girls
, Green
Immigrant Catapult Stymies U.S. Border Patrol 2008-05-12 21:05:00 CWT, Along the Rio Grande, Texas. A month long on-site investigation by Cats With Thumbs field reporters confirms illegal immigrants from Mexico are being launched over the border in increasing numbers by a massive catapult. U.S. BorderPatrol
agents on location along the Texas-Mexico border have dubbed the device "Jose Cuer-throw" and are at a loss for an effective countermeasure. "Beats anythin Read more:Border Patrol
, Catapult
, Immigrant
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