Owner: Joel Klebanoff's Ramblings URL:http://www.joelklebanoff.com/joelsblog Join Date: Thu, 25 Jan 2007 18:14:37 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Random ramblings and humorous insights for people with way too much time on their hands, from Joel Klebanoff, the author of BYTE-ing Satire.
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Divine Revelation 2006-12-13 19:41:44 You often hear Born Agains say that their religious awakenings or reawakenings came about when God revealed Himself to them. I checked the thesaurus. "Revealed" and "exposed" are synonyms. I don't want to hear about that. In particular, I don't want to picture that. In fact, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, the next time you are talking to God, please ask him to keep his overcoat buttoned up should he ever appear in my presence. Has He no shame?Just the thought of it is disgusting. I've got to believe that any mortal man's self-confidence would be demolished upon seeing God reveal himself. I mean, we're talking about God here. Even flaccid, he must be huge. And his erections? Forget about it. They probably punch through the outer boundary of our universe. How can us mere mortal males compete in that department? We can't.I definitely don't want to have that revealed to me. No how. No way. Now, if it turns out that God is a woman, then my attitude changes completely. In that c Read more:Divine
, Revelation
Moishe Gimple. The Toddler Years. 2006-12-10 21:30:01 Continuing the biography I began earlier, the following examines Moishe Gimple's toddler years. This was a happy time, but not for Moishe or the Gimple household, nor for any family within a twenty-seven block radius. The Second World War had been over for a couple of years when Moishe entered toddlerhood. Peace reigned. The soldiers had returned home and were well ensconced in new jobs. The economy was booming. People were making babies and celebrating, although not necessarily in that order. But the Gimples were still sternly ostracized by one and all for having been unpatriotic enough as to bet on the Germans to win the war. It was not that the Gimples wanted the Nazis to win — quite the contrary. It was just that they believed that nothing good ever happened in the world and they hoped to profit from that fact. Of course, they were wrong about nothing good ever happening in the world. Nothing good ever happened to them, but the rest of the world was capable of the occasion Read more:Years
Moishe Gimple. In the Beginning. 2006-12-05 20:19:25 After I wrote about Gimplesfolly Day, people expressed their regret that, despite extensive Web searches, they had not been able to find any further information about Moishe Gimple. The study of this fascinating character's history has been one of my passions for some time. I'm delighted to share my knowledge.The long-awaited, joyful moment at the home of Yossell and Hersela Gimple, Moishe's parents, finally arrived on October 13, 1945. That moment lasted exactly four minutes, thirty-seven seconds. Nine months later, on July 20, 1946, Moishe was born in a Brooklyn, New York taxicab. The elder Gimples regretted that day for the rest of their natural lives. They rued it even more on those days when they undertook activities that all and sundry considered to be quite unnatural, but that's another story and one that's not fit for human consumption. Because, at the time of Moishe's birth, Yossell and Hersela did not have the slightest idea as to how such a thing could have happened, i
Happy Gimplesfolly Day 2006-11-27 16:11:29 With the holidays fast approaching, I humbly submit that my book, BYTE-ing Satire (see the Amazon links to the left), might make an appreciated gift for Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa or Gimblesfolly Day.
What, you've never heard of Gimplesfolly Day? Allow me to explain. Gimplesfolly Day commemorates the death of Moishe Gimple, who, in his time, was affectionately known as The Pugilistic Plumber. The "Plumber" part is understandable as that's how he "earned" his living, but there is no record of why "Pugilistic" became part of his nickname. Not only had he never boxed, but his fingers were so pudgy that he was unable to form a fist.
Gimple became famous — and rich — as a result of his trademarked "Stopperless Sink." Whenever customers told him they wanted a sink with a stopper Gimple petulantly whined, "What do you want a stopper for? You put the stopper in. You run the water and walk away for a second. Then your mind wanders and you forget about it. The water overflows an Read more:Happy
Technology Rants 2006-11-22 16:45:57 I know I haven't posted much here recently -- a bit of writer's block. In the meantime, while I recharge, have you read any of my Technology
Rants yet? No? Why not? I'm famous for them. OK, maybe not famous, but a patient in a mental health facility in Brooklyn once emailed me to say she liked them somewhat. Who knows, you might enjoy them too. You can get to them from the menu bar on the left side of your screen.
NEWS FLASH: Red Wine Increases Longevity 2006-11-01 21:02:23 Researchers today released the results of studies that showed that a substance found in red wine, resveratrol, allowed mice that were fed high-calorie, high-fat diets to avoid the ill effects of their resulting obesity. This, in turn, increased their longevity. The scientists, were, however, shocked at how appallingly bad the mice were at choosing the right kind of wine to go with each type of cheese placed on their plates.The studies also confirmed a long-suspected attribute of wine consumption. Mice were consistently found to be much more attractive to members of the opposite sex after those other mice completed extended periods of near-continuous drinking. The perception of attractiveness increased with the volume of wine consumed.The intoxicated mice were also found to be much slower at running mazes, as they tended to frequently throw up, get lost, and stumble after every few steps. In addition, the inebriated mice were considerably less able to avoid the traps that some of the pr Read more:Red Wine
In the Worst Way 2006-10-29 20:19:52 Maybe it's just the circles I travel in, but I occasionally hear people with pained looks say, "I've got to pee in the worst way." I've always thought this was strange because I'm reasonably certain that when they do get the chance to urinate, very few, if any of them do so in the worst way. Then again, my healthy reverence for the scientific method requires that I make it clear that propriety and a respect for privacy have prevented me from validating this assumption with empirical data.The "worst way" being a subjective label, I can't even say what it would be, but I'm sure it's not what these people are doing. Without intending any disrespect whatsoever to anyone who, due to a medical condition, must urinate through into a bag through a surgically implanted tube, I would think that peeing through an orifice other than the usual one would be less desirable than urinating in the normal way. For instance, peeing through your eye socket would probably be very painful and peeing t
Sport Hunting 2006-10-18 00:40:38 Some people call hunting a sport. I don't understand that. As far as I'm concerned, hunting meets only three of the four criteria necessary to qualify as a sport:
It must have predefined rules. Hunting does qualify as a sport under this criterion. The objective of hunting is to kill non-human animals. You aren't allowed to hunt endangered species, nor are you allowed to hunt certain other species out of season. Shooting other humans is severely frowned upon unless you're Vice President of the United States. Those are rules, so hunting passes this test.
Luck may play a part in a sport, but skill should be more important. Hunting passes this test as well. A skilled hunter will be more successful at killing animals than one with no hunting skills.
It must involve at least some physical activity. I've never hunted, so I'm not completely sure about this one, but I'll give hunting a passing grade. S
Taking a Break 2007-02-13 17:47:24 I'm taking a bit of a blogging break. If you're new here, why not stroll through the old post or have you read my technology rants yet? No? Why the heck not? They aren't part of my blog. You can get to them by clicking here. Read more:Break
, Taking
Reasons to Buy BYTE-ing Satire 2007-03-27 15:15:04 People ask why they should buy my book, BYTE-ing Satire: A light-hearted poke in technology's eye. Here are the top 10 reasons.
My mother thinks it's funny. She wouldn't lie about something like that.
I have three friends who think it's funny. That makes the appraisal unanimous among my friends.
My editor thought it was so good that she actually paid for a couple of copies to give as gifts. Then again, I mentioned her prominently in the acknowledgments, which might have influenced her purchase.
BYTE-ing Satire is user-friendly, employs an intuitive interface and does not require batteries or an electrical connection. What's more, you don't need an owner's manual to figure out how to use it.
Unlike a cell phone or pager, nobody will ask you to silence it if you carry it with you into a cinema or a swank restaurant. You might, however, be asked to stifle your laughter.
Read more:Reasons
More Reasons to Buy BYTE-ing Satire 2007-03-28 16:03:58 My previous post listed the top 10 reasons to buy my book, BYTE-ing Satire: A light-hearted poke in technology's eye. Obviously, there are more than just 10. For example, here are some additional reasons.
The cover includes an illustration of a clown with a computer on his lap. Who doesn't love clowns, computers and, especially, clowns with computers? They are, after all, the mainstays of modern businesses.
Many of the world's largest pools of oil and gas lie in unstable countries that are located in turbulent regions. Consequently, a severe energy crisis at some point in the future is not entirely out of the question. If that happens and you have a copy of BYTE-ing Satire handy you can burn it in your fireplace for warmth. If not, you might freeze to death in winter. Come to think of it, you should probably keep a few copies handy, just in case. (If you don't have a fireplace, indoor fires are not Read more:Reasons
Still More Reasons to Buy BYTE-ing Satire 2007-03-29 15:54:15 My previous two post (click here for the first and here for the second) listed reasons to buy my book, BYTE-ing Satire: A light-hearted poke in technology's eye. Here are still more reasons, but these are the last ones I'm going to provide. By now I've probably convinced you to buy it. Any more reasons would be superfluous and boring. And no, thank you very much, I don't want to hear any comments about these and the previous ones being boring.
Jerks who think that owning a cell phone gives them an unrestricted license to be an obnoxious, loud-mouthed boor in public places deserve to be ridiculed. BYTE-ing Satire does that.
BlackBerry addicts who think that some text on their puny little screens is more deserving of attention than their family on evenings, weekends and vacations or friends who go out of there way to join the addicts at a pub or café deserve to be ridiculed. BYTE-ing Satire does that.
Read more:Reasons
Republic of Shalampax 2007-04-24 21:07:26 Have any of you visited the Republic
of Shalampax yet? To call this place "somewhat off-the-wall" doesn't do it justice. "Absolutely freaking bizarre starts to get a little closer to the truth."Check it out at www.shalampax.com. Get excited about it. Tell your friends about it. Discuss it. Get others excited about it. Or not. It's that sort of place.
Reality Television Show Idea 2007-05-21 07:57:04 Idea for a new television show: American Idle.Concept: A bunch of people sit inert on a couch watching endless reality shows on television. To add excitement, turn it into a contest to see who can sit the stillest for the longest while criticizing the people on the shows playing on the television set.Prize: A big-screen TV, a lifetime supply of potato chips, the services of a butler who will fetch more chips from the kitchen when the winner nears the bottom of the bag sitting next to him or her. Read more:Reality Television
, Television
Atheists in Foxholes 2007-06-24 08:46:31 I am fully supportive of the philosophy that says, "there are no atheists in foxholes." I'm an unrepentant coward. The last place I want to be is in a foxhole. Read more:Atheists
Canada's Productivity 2007-06-26 10:38:51 I recently saw a newspaper headline that asked, "What's behind Canada
's poor productivity?" Alright, I admit it. It's me. I'm a slacker. I apologize profusely for letting the country down. Read more:Productivity
Summer Reading 2007-06-25 10:31:39 Summer is here, the season traditionally reserved for a light reading at the beach or park. The Amazon Web site says that BYTE-ing Satire: A light-hearted poke in technology's eye weighs just 7.2 ounces. Not that I'm trying to push the book or anything. I'm just saying. Read more:Reading
, Summer
William Crotch 2007-07-05 07:41:02 This date (July 5) in 1775 saw the birth of William
Crotch in Norwich, England. Crotch grew up to become a composer and an artist. Had he lived, Crotch would have turned 232 this year. Yet, were it not for his astonishing age, he would still likely have been virtually unknown among the masses … and the more juvenile of modern-English speakers would find it difficult to refrain from making fun of his last name.
Nathaniel Hawthorne 2007-07-04 11:12:17 Nathaniel Hawthorne
, author of The House of Seven Gables, The Scarlet Letter and Twice-Told Tales, among other works, was born on this date, July 4th, in 1804. Had he lived, he would have been 203 today ... and a freak of nature. Read more:Nathaniel
Stoned 2007-07-09 14:49:07 I just read a news item saying that the 2007 World Drug Report produced by the UN Office on Drugs and Crime reported that Canadians use marijuana at four times the world average. Being a Canadian, that brought something to my mind. Believe it or not, despite entering my teens in the mid-1960s, I have never even tried marijuana. Not once. I didn't have to avoid inhaling (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) because I never put a joint to my lips. Never.I know that seems pretty amazing considering the age in which I grew up, but if you think that's amazing consider this question: How stoned is the guy who's pulling up the Canadian average in order to make up for my abstinence? Man, I don't want to get between him and some snack foods. He's got to have one monster case of the munchies.
Silent Devotion 2007-07-23 08:07:27 On the northwest corner of Yonge & Dundas in downtown Toronto you'll find a man who, at what, without me verifying with a stopwatch, seem to be precisely timed intervals (I think he uses the traffic lights to regulate the periodicity), verbally gushes forth at the top of his lungs the words, "JESUS SAVES! Only through Jesus can you reach the Kingdom of Heaven!"His persistence rivals that of Old Faithful in Yellowstone National Park. I don't know if he almost never leaves the corner (in which case, he must have the biggest bladder in Toronto) or if it is just coincidence that our schedules match, but it is rare that I'll walk past the intersection without seeing — and hearing — him. On those exceptionally infrequent occasions when he's not there I find myself worrying that he might be sick, as if perpetually standing on the sidewalk at a busy street corner shouting about Jesus isn't already strong evidence of that.In addition to his shouting, he also hand Read more:Devotion
, Silent
Motivational Speakers 2007-08-20 13:36:16 When I hear motivational speakers, with their nauseating hyper-energetic demeanors and their ridiculous, Pollyanna "nothing was, is or ever will be wrong with the world" attitudes, I'm struck with a sudden urge to beat the crap out of them. I guess that means they're successful. I'm usually not motivated to do anything. Read more:Motivational
Fictional Inspiration 2007-08-23 08:19:57 We can learn a lot from literature and film. For example, despite the gender difference, I take inspiration from Scarlett O'Hara in Margaret Mitchell's novel, Gone With the Wind, which was made into a famous film. Each day, immediately upon waking up, before even getting out of bed, I like to shout the last part of the last sentence of Mitchell's novel: "tomorrow is another day!" That gives me a blank check to slack off for the rest of the day. Read more:Inspiration
666 2007-08-22 08:17:22 I was wondering, if "666" is the "number of the beast":
Is 999 the number of the beast doing a handstand?
Is 696 the number of the beast doing a somersault?
Is 665 the number of the underachiever beast?
Is 667 the number of Superbeast? Or is it the number of Beast, James Beast?
Is 66 the number of the beast with a limb amputated?
Is 69 the number of … no, never mind. This is a family site.
Is ^^^ the number of the shifty beast? (If you don't get that, look at your keyboard.
Is 1010011010 the number of the binary beast?
Was DCLXVI the number the beast of ancient Rome?
Math Quiz 2007-08-21 09:59:14 A fully loaded jet takes off from LaGuardia Airport in New York, quickly rises to its 35,000-foot cruising altitude and, traveling at 565 miles per hour, heads in a straight line directly to Los Angeles International Airport. Simultaneously, a second fully loaded jet takes off from Los Angeles International Airport, quickly rises to its 35,000-foot cruising altitude and, traveling at 550 miles per hour, heads in a straight line directly to LaGuardia.How long will it be before all of the major television news networks produce over-the-top sensationalist graphics and fanfares to lead into their nonstop, exploitive, brazen attempts to use their lurid coverage of the tragic crash to gain higher ratings?Bonus question: How many of the victims' relatives will have their already horrendous grief shamelessly exacerbated and exploited by the networks to tug at viewers' heartstrings in the pursuit of further ratings boosts?
NEWS FLASH: Nurturing the Heart 2007-08-27 19:50:17 Scientists at Geron Corporation, a biotech firm, and at the University of Washington successfully harvested human embryonic stem cells, genetically manufactured them to become heart cells and transplanted them into rats. The new cardiac cells survived the transplant and, after four weeks, the cells remained in the rats' hearts and showed no signs of cancer or cyst growth.This is a tremendous breakthrough that shows incredible promise for the treatment of human heart conditions. Other scientists plan to expand the research into significantly less fertile environments. They will attempt to use embryonic stem cells to generate brain tissue inside politicians. Read more:Heart
My Future 2007-08-25 18:16:44 For some time now, I have not been entirely satisfied with my life. Consequently, a while back I began the lengthy, painstaking process of reviewing my past, assessing my current talents, skills and desires, and formulating a strategy for my future.After a great many hours and days, these efforts have produced a number of well thought-out, meticulous plans from which I can choose a noble path forward — a path that will make me a better person and, dare I hope, in at least some infinitesimally small way, also make the world a better place because of the life I choose to live in it.All of my plans suffer from one — only one — weakness. They all start with me winning one or more incredibly large (mind-bogglingly so) lotteries, but none of my plans include me buying any lottery tickets because, considering the odds, that would be just plain stupid. Read more:Future
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