Owner: The Best Funny Stories and Jokes URL:http://www.bestfunnystories.com/ Join Date: Fri, 21 Dec 2007 05:08:42 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Funny Stories, Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes and Sayings and More. Relax and Have Fun! Site statistics:Click here
Can't Stop It 2008-03-03 13:05:57 An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong."I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied."Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his wife.""So stop," the bartender said."I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"Unwary WishOnly One WishSuperstar's Energy Drink
Sex & Money 2008-03-03 13:05:24 Sex like money in the bank, because when you withdraw you lose any interest.Beer Troubleshooting 1Beer Troubleshooting 2Verizon Voyager
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Raping a Nun 2008-03-03 13:04:45 A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts raping her.After the rapist is done, he says, "Hey Sister, what are you going to tell the other Sisters now?""I'll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground, and raped me twice....unless you're tired", she responded.The Supernatural?Three DoorsNintendo Wii. Free!
Two Hookers on a Street Corner 2008-03-02 11:48:52 Two hookers were on a street corner.They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air."The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."All Expense Paid Trip to American Idol 7!CockroachWhat's In a Name?
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Lack of a Sex Life 2008-03-02 11:47:22 Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe.The other says, "I just wish it were dark."BrazillionaireGod is Watching the ApplesEnjoy Eating Healthy
Married Life 2008-03-02 11:46:33 Two bikers were talking at a bar."How's married life?" asks the first."It's fine," says the second."How's the sex?" asks the first."Fine," says the second, "At least I don't have to wait in line!"Lesson to Be Learned from Typing the Wrong Email AddressNot a Complete IdiotNew Laptops
Homework 2008-02-27 12:16:29 One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went.He said, "We're learning about sexual education."She smiled, and said, "At least he's learning something usefull." Billy went up to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and sees him jerking off. She says, "Billy, when you're done with your homework, supper's on the table."5 Funny Video AdsRecognitionVerizon VoyagerNintendo Wii
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Profit 2008-02-27 12:15:42 Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar. "Bartender," he says, "give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab."When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A moment later he's at her side. "That was very kind of you," she says. "Won't you sit down?"After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm a professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred dollars. If that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings.""I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and I like you, too. I've never done something like this before, b
Working Like a Dog 2008-02-26 13:39:44 It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way."And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home."Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."How to Become a MillionaireDating DictionarySony StyleReally Bad DayMacBook Air
Banana Cake 2008-02-26 13:36:54 Recipe for Banana Cake.Ingredients:2 Laughing Eyes2 Loving Arms2 Well Shaped Legs2 Firm Milk Containers1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl2 Large Nuts1 Large BananaMethod:Look into Loving Eyes.Fold in Loving Arms.Spread Well Shaped Legs.Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl.N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.All Expense Paid Trip to American Idol 7Sperm Bank RobberyMaybelline MascaraEve and Adam
Discovery 2008-02-22 12:55:28 Teacher: "Fred can you find me Australia on the map please?"Pupil: "There it is."Teacher: "Now, Louise, who discovered Australia?"Pupil: "Fred did!"Potential and RealityThe Only OneStylish, Hot and PinkA Little Fabulousness to Your Shoe Collection
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Home From School 2008-02-22 12:54:58 Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"Evils of LiquorMasturbationStylish, Hot and PurpleWho Needs $6,500?
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No title 2008-02-22 12:53:56 Teacher: "What is the formula for water?"George: "H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."Teacher: "Is that the formula I gave you?"George: "Sure, you said H to O!"In Love with TeacherDefinitely or IndefinitelyWhat Would You Do to Get the Thinnest Laptop Ever?Nintendo Wii
Chinese Man and His Three Daughters 2008-02-21 12:56:18 A Chinese
man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry."I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry."I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.The Three
Chinese Tortures$6,500 For Free! I'm not Joking!Delayed ComprehensionVerizon Voyager
Two Secretaries 2008-02-21 12:55:43 One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office."Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?""Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!""What should I do?" asked Gloria.Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."Smart JapanesePink and HotOverweight BlondeGirls Night Out
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Two Men Talking about Sex Life 2008-02-21 12:55:08 Two men were talking."So, how's your sex life?""Oh, nothing special.I'm having Social Security sex.""Social Security sex?""Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"Sex in MarriageFatigue Doesn’t Stand a Chance!A Ghost From Puerto Rico
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Can't Stop Having Sex 2008-02-20 13:15:16 This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!""Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back."That's not so much", says the doctor."Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man."Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man."Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor."You've got to learn to take yourself in hand.""I do", says the man. "Twice a day."Lucky FishermanCharged with BatteryYour Political Opinion Costs $500!Nintendo Wii - FREE!
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Clam Digger 2008-02-20 13:14:49 A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island. For twenty years he never sees another human being.Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood. He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries.She says, "Well, what did you do for love?"He says, "Love? What's that?"She says, "I'll show you."She shows him. Then she shows him again. Then she shows him one more time. When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?"He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."Count On BossHumor in the Office$500 to Spend at Amazon!$1,000 to Spend on eBay!
A Valentine for Bin Laden 2008-02-18 12:40:38 Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine
's Day."Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?""Osama Bin Laden
," David says."Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock."Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tel
Rabbi Goes to Hawaii 2008-02-18 12:32:15 A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi
for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii
for a week, all expenses paid.When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you."The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."Hawaiian VacationThe Perfect HusbandDead CowFree Pair of Pastry Kicks
Sex Is Like Money 2008-02-18 12:31:44 Why is sex like money in the bank?Because when you withdraw, you lose interest.Death During SexWhat a Wife Says and What She MeansThe Thinnest Laptop Ever
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Blonde Got Game 2008-02-16 12:19:49 A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don`t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don`t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don`t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.The lawyer asks the first question. "What`s the distance from the eart Read more:Blonde
Confused Bank Robber 2008-02-16 12:18:02 Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together. The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.The robbery begins. The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?" "Perfectly," he said.He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.One minute passes, two minutes pass... seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.About the time he gets the safe in the trunk o
Experimental Psychology 2008-02-12 12:58:33 A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"Everyone in the pub started staring at them. Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, "W Read more:Experimental
One Thousand Valentine Cards 2008-02-12 12:52:55 A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine
cards signed, 'Guess who?'""But why?" asks the man."I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.Divorced from 10 Husbands and Still a VirginA Virgin
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, Cards
, One Thousand
An Elderly Man Goes into a Brothel 2008-03-12 14:42:32 An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is."I'm 90 years old," he says."90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?""Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"Hot Blonde at the Wal-MartMy Dad Has 2...Sony 42” Plasma TV — learn how to get one.
Sex on a Rocking Chair 2008-03-12 14:40:13 There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home.The old man says to the woman, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"The woman replies, "No, I want four times in the rocker."New Position for LovemakingA Framed Picture12 Gift Cards - Get One or More
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, Rocking Chair
The Purpose of a Bellybutton 2008-03-12 14:38:36 What's the purpose of a bellybutton?To put your gum in on the way down.The Last Glass of WhiskeyAbsolute Sense of SmellFree MacBook Air for U.S., U.K. & Canadian Residents
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In an Elevator 2008-03-10 13:43:02 A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast.He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me."She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 307."Foreplay is an ArtLowe's $500 Gift Card
Puzzling Pants 2008-03-10 13:42:25 A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her."Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?""Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."Dam Fish100% Free Mobile Content
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