Owner: Invading Holland URL:http://invading-holland.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Wed, 09 Aug 2006 06:39:43 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: The day to day life and observations of accident prone Englishman living in Holland. Each post is accompanied by a cartoon. Site statistics:Click here
Jogging 2006-12-07 15:50:00
Red faced, gasping for breath and trying not to collapse after finally catching up with my flat mate during my first evening jog in a long time I was barely able to wheeze out the words:
"Dam… I can't… even keep up… with a thirty-three… year old smoker… with a bad… back"
Yes, I have decided it is time to get back in shape again. It might take a little while but it seemed like a good idea to start the New Years resolution early.
If you see a red faced ginger Englishman in a jogging outfit face down on a Dutch street as he tries to recover from lung collapse you will know it is me. Wish me luck.... then call an ambulance.
Read more:Jogging
Meme: Ten Things I Will Never Do 2006-12-04 21:17:00
I've tagged by Alan from Random Burblings to inform every one of 10 things I will 'never' do in my life time.
1) Enjoy an Adam Sandler Movie:
I have never found Adam Sandler funny and I never will. I am still scarred from the time I was forced to watch "Little Nicky.' That movie stole time from my life that I want back. I look forward to the day when audiences can sue the makers of bad movies. I've got a long list ready.
2) Be a morning person:
I can never wake up in the mornings and I don't like coffee. I just stumble around for a while like a zombie in search of the shower and pass out again on the train to work.
3) Think Paris Hilton is a talented person and a good role model for the youth of today:
I'm not even going to start on this subject. I'll only get angry and burn down every store stocking copies of her album.
4) Remember my college summer ball:
Drinking student punch at a pre-ball party is not a good idea. They make it very strong. My only memory of
Boom Chicago 2006-12-01 09:43:00
As someone who has worked in the theater industry I am used to running around unseen in the shadows backstage while actors perform before their public. However, I am not accustom to actually standing on stage in the presents of an entire audience who are waiting for me to say something funny, only equipped with a microphone to defend myself if things turn ugly.
I've been to the Boom Chicago
Comedy Theatre in Amsterdam a few times but my first visit will always be the most memorable for me because it was when I found myself in the above situation. The show is a mix of improvisation and sketches and it was during one of the improvised scenes that I was called up on stage.
I was enjoying the performance with a friend (who was visiting from England). At first we didn't really know what to think when one of the comedians asked the entire audience to stand and were only allowed to sit down again as he said things such as, "sit down if you have a tattoo," or "sit
Cooking Disasters 2006-11-27 23:51:00
I lived with my parents until I moved to Holland. This made moving out a double shock. Not only was I going out into the world by myself for the first time but I was also doing it in a completely different country. I had to learn to cook for myself (or choose from less appealing options such as McDonalds or starving) but at the time I could hardly even boil an egg.
My early cooking attempts met with varying levels of success, including giving myself food poisoning from under cooking chicken. Since then my need for a stomach pump has reduced as my kitchen skills have improved. However there is one simple food item that I have not yet been able to master. Many of my attempts have met with bitter failure both figuratively and literally. For some unknown reason I am unable to cook rice properly. The mysteries of this simple ingredient continue to elude me and something always goes wrong.
During my first attempt I discovered that rice expands as it boils. Unfortunately this revelati Read more:Disasters
Considering 2006-11-23 19:43:00
Mum: "Have you got any plans for the 19th? Your Dad is trying to arrange something."
Me: "No, nothing at the moment. Why? What is he organizing?"
Mum: "I'm sworn to secrecy but we're going to book tickets and it should give you another funny story for your blog."
Me: "Considering that most of my funny blog entries involve me getting trapped in lifts, breaking bones or some other kind of physical injury, should I worry about what you have planned?"
Sinterklaas and Zwarte Pieten 2006-11-20 20:54:00
Imagine that you have been living in Holland for half a year. You are still unfamiliar with most of the countries customs and quarks. You are walking down the local high street one chilly but pleasant afternoon in late November. It is an ordinary day like any other. Suddenly you hear some kind of commotion up ahead. Imagine your surprise when you suddenly see coming into view a parade of men and women dressed in what looks like Renaissance jester out fits. You would find it a little strange wouldn't you. However, my description does not end their. Visualize that they are all white but have covered their faces in black shoe polish, painted their lips bright red and donned large fake afros upon their heads. If you do not find that extremely strange then you might be perplexed by the group of children cheering and singing as they pass.
If you can imagine this scene then you might understand my introduction to the Dutch custom of Sinterklaas
. This is exactly how I experienced it f
Undercover Englishman 2006-11-15 22:09:00
After five years of living in Holland I have come to a conclusion that has not been easy to accept. I have been trying to ignore this revelation for some time but I must finally accept it. I would be a terrible spy. The child in me has taken this as a heavy blow. During my day to day life in Holland I regularly find myself in situations that would result in my cover being blown if I was an undercover spy.
It can happen in a supermarket queue, on a train platform or any other place where random people gather together in close proximity. It might begin with an observation about the weather, a comment about something amusing or any random topic that can spark a conversation between strangers. All that matters is as soon as someone says something to me in Dutch that I do not understand I only have a moment to decide; Apologize and tell them I don't understand or react as if I did understand (and hide my identity as an Englishman).
Being honest usually results in a look of sympa Read more:Undercover
What Not to do in a Power Cut 2006-12-11 15:06:00
Sometimes I think I have an unhealthy dependency on Technology. It could almost be called an addiction. It makes me wonder how I would survive if I found myself trapped on a deserted island with out working electronics.
I realized the level of my dependency on technology a few days ago when a power cut suddenly plunged everything into darkness while my flat mate and myself were watching TV. It did not take us long to work out that the power would be out for a while and we would have to make preparations.
Our first challenge was to find illumination. After lighting a few candles this problem was easily solved and at the same time gave the room a Charles Dickens like atmosphere.
The second challenge was to save the frozen food. We took the easy option and didn't.
Challenge three was to find non-technology based entertainment to keep our selves amused until the power came back on. This was a problem for us.
However, we were in luck. The battery in my laptop still had power
Hang Over 2006-12-14 16:19:00
Today I am very very hung over. Last night was the office Christmas party and I am now suffering for my abuse of the free bar and my bright idea that I should order as many drinks as I could carry (at least three) on each visit.
However, not everything about a hang over is bad. Once you get past the pounding headache and the ill stomach there are some benefits to having a hang over.
I don't have to be intelligent, fast or witty today. I can be as slow and dim witted as I want. I don't have to expect anything from myself so I can freely walk around in a daze. This also means every achievement, no matter how small becomes an epic accomplishment. Even the act of rolling out of bed this morning takes on the same level of achievement as climbing Mount Everest. Being able to write this post with a hang over may even be equivalent to the greatest accomplishment of non-hung over man kind.
I'm going to crawl under my desk and hide now until the hurty pain goes away.
Flying 2006-12-19 00:24:00
This weekend I flew back to England to spend Christmas with my family. It's a trip I've made quite a lot in the last few years. The flight between the two countries is so short that I suspect the airplane takes a run and jump towards England rather then actually flying through the sky.
This might also explain why the music from Back to the Future always pops into my head as the plane speeds down the run way like Marty McFly in the time traveling Delorean. However, I am fairly sure that a plane has to be going faster then 88mph to take off and there is little danger of it traveling through time when it does so. If it did a wide range of new holiday options would suddenly become available.
I have only experience bad turbulence once in all the years I have been flying (a fact that I am not too upset about). It was during a flight in the winter. The plane was constantly shaking and dropping a few meters. Every time it happened everything within the plane seemed to stay suspende Read more:Flying
Merry Christmas 2006-12-24 21:44:00
I've managed to resist the urge to feel, shake, prod, probe and x-ray the presents under the tree so far but there is not much longer to wait now.
I hope you all have a great Christmas
and New Year. Don't forget to be good for Santa.
Read more:Merry
, Merry Christmas
28th Birthday 2006-12-28 21:00:00
Happy Birthday
to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday dear me,
Happy B…. Oh god, only two more years to 30.
Birthdays are strange. Everyone younger then you comments on how old you are but at the same time everyone older then you remark on your youth. As a result you are both young and old at the same time. Either way it means I am still too old to have Bobo the Clown at my birthday party. At least I can go out celebrating by having a few drinks with my friends and making a clown of myself.
Pre-28th Birthday 2006-12-28 21:00:00
Happy Birthday
to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday dear me,
Happy B…. Oh god, only two more years to 30.
Birthdays are strange. Everyone younger then you comments on how old you are but at the same time everyone older then you remark on your youth. As a result you are both young and old at the same time. Either way it means I am still too old to have Bobo the Clown at my birthday party. At least I can go out celebrating by having a few drinks with my friends and making a clown of myself.
Happy 2007 2007-01-01 03:47:00
I hope you all have a great 2007. It's time to start those New Year Resolutions. I'll be back to Holland and my more regular posting pattern this Tuesday.
Read more:Happy
Wet Paint 2007-01-04 00:32:00
Welcome to the new look. Be careful where you sit, some of the paint is still drying. I would not touch that yet either if I was you, it's only held together by string.
I have been toying around with a new appearance for some time. Originally I was going to keep it under wraps until I moved to my own domain but I've decided to try it out a little early and see what people think. However, this is not the full version. There are a few things I am still keeping secret for now. I welcome any and all feedback, ideas or info about any errors.
In other news
The 2007 Bloggies Awards
have started accepting nominations and votes. If you notice any subliminal "Vote For' me messages in the blog re-design you are just imagining things…. or maybe not.
Read more:Paint
Hail to the King 2007-01-06 12:00:00
When my parents rather cryptically started making plans for an evening out during my Christmas visit I was more then a little puzzled. No matter how many times I asked they refused to reveal their scheme. Even my sneaky attempts at tricking clues out of them met with little success. Should I be dressing up? Would we be getting there by car? Would we be eating when we get there?
After a while my questions were met with a look that said they knew what I was trying to do and it was not going to work. My child like detective work had failed and I was back to guessing with what little information I had. One phrase they kept on using was, "Keep an open mind," which is usually a scary request when you don't know what you are about to let yourself in for. I narrowed it down to a few possibilities one of which was that my parents had enough of me being single and had set up an arranged marriage.
As the evening got closer the mystery grew. I was half expecting my parents to lead me blin
The Experiment 2007-01-10 23:29:00
It is possible that I am the unwitting participant in some sort of social studies experiment. What the aim of this experiment is I can not say but I definitely know I drew the short straw.
Recently my flat mate started a new job in an office much like my own. We both do a lot of work with computers and both work similar office hours. However, there is one major difference between the two jobs, a difference he likes to keep on reminding me about. I work in an office mostly inhabited by men but my flat mate is now working in an office almost exclusively populated by women.
It's as if we have both been placed in very different controlled test environments while someone in a white coat with a clip board and a mustache watches via hidden cameras and takes note on how we react to our different situations.
Step 1) Place computer nerd 1 (Subject Alpha) in an office populated with men.
Step 2) Place computer nerd 2 (Subject Beta) in an office populated with women.
Step 3) Obse Read more:Experiment
Keep on Jogging 2007-01-16 11:02:00
New Years Resolutions are never easy to keep. Seven years ago I decided my goal would be to learn Chess. To date my only knowledge of the game is that trampling the opponent's peaces with a toy dinosaur while making roaring noises is sadly not a winning move. My only successful New Years Resolution so far has been to stop smoking which was very easy because I had never started (so officially I still failed).
This year I decided my task would be to exorcise more, eat healthier and get in shape. These goals were not easy either. Every short jog was an exhausting marathon which left me in desperate need of an oxygen mask and a stretcher to carry me home. Every snack left on a co-workers desk was a tempting offer, triggering a whisper of a voice in my mind telling me to blame its sudden disappearance on the greedy office mice.
There was several times where it seemed I would give in and fail. However, I have managed to be good and things have slowly gotten easier. I am able to resi Read more:Jogging
Coming Soon 2007-02-13 05:51:00 The paint is still drying, some things are held together with sticky back plastic and the Plummer has made a complete mess but the new and improved Invading Holland site is almost ready.For that reason this post is going to be a little different from the usual kind as I invite everyone to contribute to the new site in a small way. Since it includes a profile page I am looking for any questions people might like answered there. Feel free to ask anything (but any inquiries into my credit card number will have to go unanswered). Any questions that won’t suit the profile page I will still try to answer here.I would also like to hear which posts everyone has enjoyed the most for the most popular post section.If there are not any technical hick-ups I will be revealing the new site in a week. Read more:Coming Soon
Student Politics 2007-02-07 09:59:00 Politics has never really been my subject. It’s one of the topics that makes my head hurt if I think about it too much. Maybe that is one of the reasons why I decided not to run for the position of Student
Council Class Representative when I was at college (as a theater design student). I left that responsibility to my fellow class mates who had more political ambitions. There were three candidates but only one clear winner once all the votes had been counted, Malcolm.Malcolm had won by a land slide but there was one small problem, something that made it difficult for him to for fill his new position in student politics (or any thing else for that matter). Malcolm was an inanimate green amphibian, a stuffed toy frog to be more precise. He was our class mascot who had been nominated becau
Back to School 2007-02-02 04:50:00 Maybe it is because I am English and the stereotypical politeness that comes with it that courses me to ask a Dutch person “Spreekt u Engels?” before I bombard them with the language. Whatever the reason may be a lot of them reply with a very simple, “Yes, a little.”However, when a Dutch person suggests they only know a little bit of English it is usually the equivalent of Albert Einstein claiming he only knows a little bit about mathematics or Steven Hawkins saying he only understands some Physics. In contrast to this when most English people say they can speak Dutch it’s usually the equivalent of claiming to be a gourmet chef when all they can do is burn toast.English seems to come easy to the Dutch but most (not all) expats struggle with Dutch. Attempting to learn Dutch often Read more:School
Dancing the Night Away 2007-01-29 16:29:00 Whenever I am in a bar or night club having a few drinks with friends I find it impossible to stop myself from tapping my foot in time with the music being played. It doesn’t even matter if the music is terrible. Half the time I don’t even realize I am doing it.It’s as if a little devil and angel are sitting on either shoulder while they argue with me in the center. The subject of their argument is not my mortal soul however. The debate that rages between them is much more important then that. To dance or not to dance?Despite my involuntary foot tapping I have always been someone who initially resist the call of the dance floor as if everyone’s attention will be on me as soon as I step a single foot upon it.However, I always find it impossible to stay on the side lines for long. Sl Read more:Night
, Dancing
A Little Lost 2007-01-24 19:21:00 I freely call myself an accident prone man. I am comfortable with doing so because it is something that gives me a lot of funny stories to write about. Lately I have been a lot less accident prone but I still got a chance to live up to my blogs reputation this week when I met fellow blogger Blonde but Bright.We had arranged to meet at a bar for a few drinks along with another of her friends but I was having trouble finding the place. After some unsuccessful searching I decided to give BBB a call.Me: “Hi. It’s Stuart. I’m near the cinema but I’m not sure where this bar is.”BBB: “Ok. What tram stop are you near?”Me: “Er… None I think. I don’t know this area too well.”I’d only ever been there to go to the cinema.BBB: “Really?”Me: “Yeah.”BBB: “Do you know The
Blown Away 2007-01-19 03:44:00 To say it has been a bit windy lately would be an understatement. Yesterday Holland suddenly descended into complete chaos as a large storm swept across the country coursing more damage then a visit from Godzilla.The streets turned into high powered wind tunnels populated by pedestrians struggling to keep on their feet. Anyone carrying an umbrella ran the risk of being blown into a near by canal or Belgium.All trains came to a complete stand still by order of the traffic police due to leaves on the line. Normally this would not be too much of a problem but the trees were still attached at the time. Roads turned into rivers, people in high rise buildings were getting sea sick, traffic took over an hour to go just one hundred meters and everyone was advised to stay indoors and off the roads.
Nieuw Nieuw Straat 2006-11-11 07:31:00 English co-worker: "The bar is on new new street? There is actually a street called new new street? Cool."American co-worker commenting to Dutch co-worker: "New New Street? Floris your people are dumb."English co-worker: "And that's coming from an American."
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