Owner: Press Mess Blog URL:http://pressmess.blogspot.com Join Date: Mon, 17 Dec 2007 05:42:12 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Satirical Headline News for the Well-Informed Site statistics:Click here
Alan Greenspan: "Yes . . . I'm Not, Not Senile?!" 2007-12-20 03:35:00 UPSTATE NEW YORK...12/20/07 2:00 pm EST... Giving a press conference from the bedroom of his new home, the Happy Trails Home for the Aging, former Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve, Greenspan
.htm">Alan Greenspan
, was asked if his arrogance, or perhaps stupidity, had caused the dot com and/or current housing crises. Remarked Greenspan, "My roommate and me . . . we eat paste" Asked then
Pelosi to Bush: "Here's Your War Money, Now Gimme Some Pork Dollars" 2007-12-19 19:08:00 SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA…12/19/07 2:15pm EST…At a news conference today, which was given at her luxury, high-rise offices, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
(D CA) announced "I don't care if hundreds of thousands of innocent people died in Bush's illegal war . . . I just want $40 billion for my special interests" Ask then if she is suggesting Bush's desperation for war funds is a valid method of Read more:Gimme
, Money
Bill Clinton: "Stop Calling Us HillBillary" 2007-12-18 21:16:00 NORTH LIBERTY, IOWA...12/18/07 7:30pm EST...Heckled by pro-environment, pro-health care, pro-campaign finance reform, pro-labor standard and anti-government corruption groups today, Presidential candidate and Senator Hillary Clinton
(? NY) laughed and stated "Yeah, well, when you're not all a bunch of broke-ass losers come back and talk to me." Getting a strong reaction from the crowd, former Read more:Bill Clinton
, Calling
Tony Blair: "I Hate My Job" 2007-12-18 17:56:00 GAZA STRIP…12/18/07 6:15pm EST…Speaking to reporters while being shuffled from one armored car to another, former British Prime Minister, and current "Mid-East Peace Envoy," Tony Blair
, bristled with anger as he stated "I hate this job . . . I was told I'd only have to do it a couple months . . . and then I'd be made partner in an investment banking firm in Switzerland . . . so why am I still Read more:Tony Blair
Teresa Heinz-Kerry Endorses Mitt Romney 2007-12-18 00:16:00 BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS...12/17/07 11:00am EST...Speaking to reporters at a news conference she organized, Teresa
Heinz-Kerry
, the former wife of former Senator H. John Heinz (R PA) and current wife of current Senator John Kerry (D MA), announced today that she's endorsing the Republican Governor of Massachusetts, Romney
.htm">Mitt Romney
. Stated Heinz-Kerry, "Mitt Romney is a man of the future, of power, of
Sen. Larry Craig Implicated in Wiretapping Scandal 2007-12-17 03:31:00 KOCKRING, IDAHO...12/17/07 7:00am EST... Responding to newly surfaced reports proving his involvement in the forming Bush/Cheney Wiretapping Scandal
, Senator LarryCraig
(R ID) stated, "I have long been a champion of family values, straight-marriage, guns and patriotism, so I will not comment on my involvement." Asked by a reporter to explain why the reports indicate that he personally surveiled,
Joseph Lieberman: "I'm, Ummmm . . . Republindependemocrat" 2007-12-17 01:57:00 NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT...12/16/07 6:45pm EST...At a town hall meeting today, which was organized by his constituents on the front lawn of his home, Senator JosephLieberman
(? CT) was asked to specifically state where his loyalties lie. Lieberman responded, "My loyalties lie with my party, my people and my country." Asked then to clarify which "party, people and country" he was referring to,
Tom Delay: "Hey America, Go F&ck Yourself" 2007-12-16 03:57:00 SUGER LAND, TEXAS...12/16/07 12:00pm EST...Earlier today, Former House Whip Tom Delay
, who is best known for being the partisan force behind the Clinton impeachment, for jerrymandering Texas, and for being shamed out of office in the Jack Abramoff corruption scandal, gave a rare interview. Speaking to onlookers while he collected refuse from along a roadside, Delay nervously stated that he was " Read more:America
, Tom Delay
, Yourself
Condi Rice: "Bibi Netanyahu is Stalking Me" 2007-12-15 02:51:00 TEL AVIV, ISRAEL...12/14/07 10:00pm EST...Militant alarmist and Likud mouthpiece Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu apologized today just hours after slapping Condoleeza Rice in the face for "disagreeing" with him. Quizzed about the "disagreement," Bibi stated, "Condoleeza said her upbringing in the U.S. south gives her sympathy for the terrorists . . . so [she's] a terrorist too." Asked how he planned to Read more:Stalking
Al Sharpton Seeks Hillary's Senate Seat 2007-12-15 02:49:00 BROOKLYN, NEW YORK...12/15/07 1:45am EST...Delivering an unannounced speech this morning through a bullhorn on the streets of New York City, part-time reverend and full-time racial-tension expert, Al Sharpton
, announced "If Hillary
's seat is vacated, then I want it." He then stated, "I want to be your Senator . . . me, Al Sharpton: S, H, A, R, P, T, O, N." Sharpton then said, "Seriously, I'll Read more:Senate
Nicolas Sarkozy - "I Missed All The Neo-Con Fun" 2007-12-15 02:46:00 PARIS, FRANCE...12/14/07 4:30am EST...Speaking at a news conference today, recently elected French President NicolasSarkozy
fielded questions about France's newly acquired neo-conservative agenda. Shaking his head with disappointment, Sarkozy stated "My handlers and I came on the scene a couple years too late . . . we missed all the neo-con fun . . . the threats, propaganda, weapons-deals, wars,
Bill Clinton: "I Didn't Want NAFTA" 2007-12-14 05:56:00 DETROIT, MICHIGAN ...12/15/07 5:30pm EST...Speaking to a group of displaced auto workers today, former President, and current co-Presidential candidate, Clinton
.htm">Bill Clinton
, stated "I never . . . had trade relations . . . with that treaty." He then said, "That's right, I never wanted NAFTA . . . it was them purist academics and industrialists . . . a bunch of mumbo jumbo about efficiency and competitive
Bill O'Reilly Fired by Fox News 2007-12-14 04:58:00 SYKO, NEW YORK...12/14/07 4:26pm EST...Acknowledging today his complicity in the media propaganda machine that assisted the invasion of Iraq, sensationalist Bill O'Reilly
admitted that he "publicly staked [his] career on WMD being found in Iraq." Stated O'Reilly, "My dismissal needs to happen . . . I have a dinosaur mentality from the 1950s . . . and I'm a man too, so I stand by my statement . . Read more:Fired
Scooter Libby "Too Short To Ride Roller Coasters" 2007-12-14 03:56:00 SANTA CLARITA, CA...12/14/07 2:45pm EST...Former White House insider Scooter Libby
met today with attorneys to finalize the dismissal of his appeal of felony convictions for obstruction of justice and perjury. After meeting for "several hours," Libby and his attorneys spent the rest of the afternoon "playing" at Six Flags Amusement Park. Stated Scooter, "I got candy and soda and pizza and tacos Read more:Coasters
, Roller
, Scooter Libby
, Short
Ann Coulter: "Which Next, Boobs or Adam's Apple?" 2007-12-14 03:24:00 RUBY RIDGE, IDAHO…12/14/07 6:42am EST…Broadcasting from her compound in Idaho, best selling author Coulter
.htm">Ann Coulter
reached out with a personal request to her shortwave audience. Stated Colter, "Now that my beans and frank are finally gone, what do you, my adoring, gushing fans, think I should do next: More breast implants or an Adam's apple reduction?" Within moments, a man calling himself " Read more:Apple
Henry Kissinger: "Girrrrggle, merrrrrk, blaaacchht, burp" 2007-12-13 17:19:00 GOLAN HEIGHTS, ISRAEL…12/13/07 9:07pm EST… In an increasingly rare telephone interview, Former Secretary of State HenryKissinger
provided insight into both the ongoing Israeli-Palestinian Conflict and the Annapolis peace process. Stated Kissinger, "Urrrb, giirrrggle, burp, toot, hacht, burp" Quizzed as to the precise meaning of his statements, and after a several minute pause, Kissinger
Hugo Chavez: "I Love George Bush" 2007-12-13 11:37:00 CARACAS, VENEZUELA…12/13/07 12:22pm EST…Speaking from his palace, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez
heaped praise upon his American counterpart when he stated "I love George
Bush . . . seriously, after oil, he's the next best thing that's ever happened to me" Asked to clarify, Chavez stated, "If it wasn't for Bush, what would I talk about?" Chavez then said, "Please George, after losing the vote Read more:Hugo Chavez
McCain Drops Out of 2008 Election 2007-12-12 19:19:00 PARADISE VALLEY, AZ…12/12/07 8:05pm EST…Giving a press conference beside the Olympic sized pool and 3rd century B.C. statues adorning the backyard of his wife's 40,000 square foot mansion, Presidential candidate and Senator John McCain
(R AZ) announced today that he is dropping out of the 2008 Election
. Stated McCain, "My friends, it appears . . . I no longer have any friends . . . seriously, I Read more:Drops
Newt Gingrich: "Yes, I'm Running for President" 2007-12-11 17:10:00 MACON, GA…12/11/07 5:20pm EST…At a rally for supporters today, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich
announced his candidacy for the 2008 President
ial Election. Quizzed about his late start, Gingrich stated "The Republican Party is almost dead - literally - so I'm doing whatever I can to prolong the inevitable" Asked then about his chances of winning the Republican primary, Newt stated "It's going Read more:Newt Gingrich
Barbara Bush Stars on Reality Marriage TV 2007-12-11 03:29:00 CRAWFORD, TX…12/11/07 10:15am EST…Presidential twin Barbara
Bush announced today that she will star in an upcoming season of the hit show "Please, I'll Marry Anyone" Stated Barbara, "If that slut thinks she's the only one who's getting a White House wedding, then she's a stupid wench" Asked if there is animosity between her and twin sister Jenna, Barbara stated "You bet - that skank's favorite
Giuliani's Divorce from Cousin Never Finalized 2007-12-09 17:46:00 KINLOVE, WV…12/09/07 6:27pm EST…Republican Presidential candidate Rudolf Giuliani
's first wife, second cousin, and third headache this week, Regina Peruggi-Giuliani, is seeking support for the period beginning 1982 up to last week, when their marriage was legally dissolved. Stated Peruggi-Giuliani, "It seems there was a mix up with the divorce. . . I told him to do it, he told me to do it . . .
Mitt Romney's Son Denied Mormon Mission to Vatican City: 2007-12-09 15:53:00 FOURMAMAS, UT . . . 12/09/07 4:37pm EST . . . On a mid-campaign holdover at his home, Presidential candidate Romney
.htm">Mitt Romney
revealed that "The intolerant nation of Vatican
City has denied my brother . . . err, son, his sacred and honored opportunity to evangelize the New World gospel of our faith" Romney further stated, "For several generations now we've sent missionaries to nations the world over, Read more:Mission
, Mormon
Hillary Taps Chelsea as Secretary of State 2007-12-09 11:15:00 CORALVILLE, IA . . . 12/9/07 10:15am EST . . . This morning Presidential candidate Hillary
Clinton, along with husband Bill Clinton and daughter Chelsea
Clinton, spoke to a group of supporters at a Hardee's restaurant. After suggesting last Friday that "Bill would probably be my first Supreme Court nominee," Mrs. Clinton today stated, "Ladies, and men, I would like to introduce you to our next Read more:Secretary
, State
John Bolton Renovates NYC CO-OP Into Doomsday Bunker 2007-12-08 19:44:00 NEW YORK CITY…12/09/07 3:48am EST…Former U.N. Appointee John Bolton
gave a rare telephone interview this morning from his fortified home in New York. Located in an unspecified area of Manhattan, all that is known publicly about Bolton's fortification is that "it was formerly a co-op, with a view of the Hudson" Stated Bolton, "I met a lot of resistance when I attempted to buy in…I didn't have Read more:Bunker
, Doomsday
, John Bolton
Donald Rumsfeld: "I Got Your Yellowcake Right Here." 2007-12-08 04:37:00 BISMARCK, ND…12/08/07 7:15am EST…Former U.S. Secretary of Defense DonaldRumsfeld
appeared this morning on the popular television show “Good Morning Bismarck.” Rumsfeld, a last minute replacement for “Tiny Thelma’s Tin Can Band,” was challenged by host Anita Biscuit about misinformation promulgated in the lead up to the Iraq War. Stated Rumsfeld, “If I have to plant it myself, we’re still gonna Read more:Donald Rumsfeld
, Right
Sen. Trent Lott: "Yeah, Kids Die in War" 2007-12-06 13:50:00 BIGBUX, VA…12/06/07 12:15pm EST…Officials for U.S. Senator Trent
Lott (R MS), who recently submitted his resignation effective year end, announced today that on January 1, 2008 he will become Chairman of the Board and CEO of Dirty Deeds, Inc., a multi-billion dollar U.S. security contractor providing war services in Iraq. While boarding his private Boeing 777, Lott was quizzed about the ethics
Dr. Howard Dean: "Reform the Patients First" 2007-12-06 13:47:00 IOWA CITY, IA…12/05/07 8:28PM…On Wednesday DNC Chair Dr. Howard
Dean addressed a group of urologists at the University of Iowa Hospitals. Speaking about health care reform, Dean stated “We need to start by reforming the patients.” He added, “People don’t understand how tired we doctors are of constantly having to listen to people complain about stomach aches.” He then stated, “We need to make it Read more:First
, Howard Dean
, Reform
Vice President Cheney: "Iran Killed Santa" 2007-12-06 13:43:00 COALBURG, WEST VIRGINIA… 12/04/07 9:11AM…On Tuesday morning Vice President
Dick Cheney
traveled to West Virginia’s coal country to read his new children’s book Run, Fire Bombs Are Falling to a group of disadvantaged preschoolers. However, midway through the reading, Cheney alarmed handlers and children alike when he began speaking incoherently, tearing pages from the book, chiding the chil Read more:Killed
, Santa
, Vice President
Sen. Lieberman: "Let's Attack Iran Anyway" 2007-12-06 13:35:00 NEW HAVEN, CT...12/03/07...12:05pm EST...On Monday Senator Joseph Lieberman
(R CT) spoke at a luncheon for supporters at his home. Regarding the recently released NIE, which concluded Iran abandoned its nuclear weapons program in 2003, Lieberman cautioned the world "not to rely too heavily on U.S. intelligence." Lieberman stated, "I know Iran is building a death-star in outer space Read more:Anyway
, Attack Iran
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