Owner: Utility Comedian Dave Burdick URL:http://daveburdick.com Join Date: Sun, 21 Jan 2007 20:19:40 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Several types of jokes: fake news, news and a joke, videos, reviews of world events and inanimate objects alike. If you want smart and funny, try this guy. Also links to hilarious up-and-coming comic talent. Site statistics:Click here
Please sir, can I have some less? 2007-03-02 18:22:32 Today’s the first day in a long time I haven’t seen an Anna Nicole Smith headline on CNN.com’s front page. You know, I think our country is pretty much of one mind on this whole Anna Nicole thing; we hate to see her leave, but love to watch her go.
:UPDATE CNN.com has forced me to retract my statement about a day without Anna Nicole Smith on their front page. My bad, CNN.com. I should have had faith in you to cover — nay, blanket — this ongoing saga. Hey, does anybody know what Anna Nicole is wearing? Who made it? Where can I get some? Who’s asking the tough questions?
(more…) Read more:Please
The Carnival of Satire… 2007-03-01 15:44:03 A blog carnival, if you don’t know, is sort of the equivalent of a blog magazine — several bloggers submit their posts on a given topic to a “host” (think editor) who then throws them into one space every week, two weeks, month, whatever.
So today the Carnival
of Satire came out and it has a bunch of satire from around the Web, including an entry from little ol’ DaveBurdick.com. Read more:hellip
Life is inexplicably tiny 2007-03-01 15:38:12 This week’s column is up. It was only a matter of time before I, as someone who has ever touched the Internet, would mentioned David Allen’s “Getting Things Done.”
As promised last week, I’ve spent a lot of time recently getting organized. Not creepy-organized. I mean, I’m still going to forget birthdays and stuff. Just organized enough.
I’m young. I’m afraid of taxes, jobs, careers, decisions, cooking, mice, bone-in chicken, new moles, getting older, accidentally joining cults and the long-term effects of having a MySpace profile, to name a few things. When I read all over the Internet about people reading this one self-help/productivity book, changing their lives and swearing by it, I was a little nervous. Sounded cult-like.
Worse, when a very good friend I had jokingly accused of being in a cult on a few occasions brought it up — independently — I was both intrigued and terrified. I think I’m a little obsessed with cults, oth
Gore, wax stuff, marriage, the moon 2007-03-03 18:52:28
After the Oscar win, talk is swirling about Al Gore runing for President.
Rumor has it, Gore’s actually just working on a movie about the presidency, specifically the Abraham Lincoln administration, it’s going to be called “An Inconvenient Booth.”
His camp says that not even today’s Republicans will try to refute the hour and a half of evidence he’ll provide, and I say, you know, don’t count your chickens.
Madame Tussaud’s is opening a wax museum in Washington, D.C., soon.
They’ll have all the presidents, Lincoln, Clinton, Cheney.
Museum operators say that each wax figure takes three to six months to make and costs $125,000, which is way cheaper than actual politicians.
I guess the war’s driving the prices up, I don’t know. All those expensive tanks and jets. Not too long ago you could get a politician to listen to you for just the price of a Hummer.
Elizabeth Hurley just got married.
You know her from “Austin Po Read more:stuff
, marriage
SUN: Presidents, presidents and… 2007-03-04 19:50:32 Hey, it’s Sunday Morning Reading time! And we’re doing it in a very quick way because I’m a little pressed for time getting ready for this week’s Secret Circus!
So, let’s roll. This week, RightWingNews.com took a poll of 63 conservative bloggers on a couple of issues of the day. Two quick items from that:
4) Do you think mankind is the primary cause of global warming?
Yes (0) — 0%
No (59) — 100%
6) Which of the following Democratic candidates do you think would be the toughest opponent for a Republican candidate in 2008?
A) Hillary Clinton (38) — 63%
B) John Edwards (9) — 15%
C) Barack Obama (13) — 22%
Not unrelated, I’ve added a few new blogs to the links on the right side of this page. Included is Oh-Ate, which aggregates all of the blogs of major presidential candidates (with a couple of exceptions, for example Bill Richardson’s blog can’t be stripped in the necessary way). It makes for an interesting bir Read more:hellip
Ann Coulter and Paris Hilton 2007-03-04 19:21:33 Conservative pundit Ann Coulter
used a derogatory anti-gay slur to describe Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards this week at the Conservative Political Action Conference.
The remark got mixed reactions from conservatives in the room with her, drawing some cheers and some sounds of surprise; I guess some of the conservatives couldn’t figure out why she was talking rather than cooking dinner.
Among those Republicans particularly upset by the remark were those who are close friends of former Republican Representantive Mark Foley and of Pastor Ted Haggard. You know, because it brings up bad memories of the time before Haggard was certified 100% heterosexual. When it was down around 90-95%. I don’t know, what percentage does doing meth with your male prostitute account for? I was never great with numbers.
Coulter went on to say, “I’m not anti-gay. We’re against gay marriage. I don’t want gays to be discriminated against,” which led to fu Read more:Paris
, Hilton
, Ann Coulter
Squirrels in SoCal, Michael Jackson in Tokyo 2007-03-05 22:58:05 After years of complaints from the community, city officials in Santa Monica, Calif., are trying to stem the population of the city’s squirrels by injecting the pests with a birth-control drug.
If the method works, they’re thinking of taking it up the road and shooting up Tom Cruise, also due to complaints from the community.
You know who else was interested? Paris Hilton. Yeah, she thought it’d be convenient. I’m not sure she understood how it all worked though, she’s been seen hanging out in Palisades Park trying to seduce the squirrels. It’s the creepiest re-make of the “Pied Piper” ever.
Now New York is trying to hire her to get rid of all the damned rats. They figure all it takes is one rat to go out with Paris, then he’ll slowly spread disease to all the other rats. They can carry the bubonic plague, but can they take on Paris? We’ll see.
MichaelJackson
made a public appearance in Tokyo
this weekend for one of the firs Read more:Squirrels
, SoCal
, Michael Jackson
Invitation to Love 2007-03-06 22:26:23 Another Secret Circus video — Love is a vicious animal to be feared by all.
Hoo-rah. Send it out! Circus this Friday in Boulder, Colo. — be there or be without free comedy, juice and cookies.
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Read more:Invitation
Secret Circus promo 2007-03-06 19:35:51 Please change our lives.
(Send to your friends! Bring us to your school!)
We’ll be posting a couple more videos in the very near future, so stay tuned. Read more:Circus
Astronauts and sperm banks 2007-03-07 16:35:20 The astronaut now famous for wearing a diaper while driving across the country to kidnap her rival in a space love triangle — did you see this? — apparently saw several of what USA Today calls “steamy emails” between her astronaut lover and the other woman.
I don’t know about you, but I’d avoid the word “steamy” in any future diaper-related stories.
One of the emails had a line about “tearing your clothes off,” which, for a guy floating around in a spacesuit, might not have been a great idea.
Word is, the woman didn’t know about the emails until she was tipped off by Scooter Libby. Libby says he heard it from Tim Russert. Tim Russert says he heard it from Libby. Now all we need is Robert Novak speeding across the bayou wearing a diaper.
Two New Jersey women are suing a sperm bank for $3 million for lost materials.
After the suit became public, the rest of New Jersey stood up and offered to help.
Technorati tags: [ Read more:banks
I move: New York City 2007-03-08 17:42:23 (Oh yeah, New York
City!) This week’s column is up and I’ve already gotten a very sweet email response on it. From the column:
So, yeah. I’m moving to New York.
Why? There are elements of career, adventure and romance. Mostly, I’ve done the things that I came to Boulder to do.
After graduating, I moved here to nab a job at a hip youth-targeted paper. I put a couple of lines on my resume, built a comedy show or two, and now it’s time to take all of that and start feeling really, really insignificant by lining it up next to the experiences of writers and comedians in New York City
.
Technorati tags: [
NYC |
comedy |
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]
SUN: Tales from the bar, TV and downstairs 2007-03-11 21:08:16 At The Apiary, Margot Leitman, one of the bartenders at the UCB Theatre tells all (or most). It’s several short anecdotes, some funny, some touching, and there are actually four parts to date — links to the first three are at the end of the post. An excerpt:
The night the Red Sox won the World Series I was working. I went to the back to restock and Matt Walsh was sitting back there alone watching the game on a tiny TV with barely any reception, with a long antennae that actually had tin foil attached to it. He said, “Margot, stop working for a second, you gotta see this.” I stopped and sat with Walsh backstage staring at that tiny black and white TV as the curse of the Red Sox was finally being lifted. It was so surreal. I know Walsh probably has a nice big screen TV back home in LA, but he’ll always be watching the proverbial “game” on that rickety TV backstage at UCB with old friends like me.
Then Jeff Jarvis, aka BuzzMachine, aka PrezVid, ex Read more:Tales
, downstairs
Foreign poetry 2007-03-13 05:17:55 Hey, what a Monday. It’s beautiful in Boulder, we have a couple of videos coming down the pike, a couple of new jokes, I’m returning to some fun freelance work….
And I want to tell you about something I do. A video from last Friday’s Secret Circus:
Technorati tags: [
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Read more:Foreign
Utah… 2007-03-14 06:58:14 In Utah, Gov. Jon Huntsman, Jr., just signed a law allowing college students to choose dorm roommates who don’t carry guns. This is a compromise after the University of Utah sued the state over a 2004 law that allowed student to carry concealed weapons on campus. That law is still in effect and bans on concealed weapons in classrooms have been overturned.
A compromise? No, this is terrifying. Students won’t know what to choose — a roommate without a gun so they don’t get accidentally shot in their own dorm room or a roommate with a gun so they don’t turn into the dorm equivalent of terrified innocent bystanders in Old-West saloon knockdown-dragouts.
Hey, I think they should consider re-making “Dangerous Minds” in Utah. What an angle: Michelle Pfeiffer plays an ex-marine teacher that tries to clean up the dangerous… uh… Salt Lake City… whitebread… University of Utah? Actually, can we get Samuel L. Jackson to play the
Readers’ feedback 2007-03-16 01:45:07 The column this week is built around two emailers responding to two recent diatribes on whatever it is I write about. One emailer was bummed that I wrote about Scientology and the Freemasons in the same paragraph:
“I’m certain you have already been contacted by the legal department of the ‘Church’ of Scientology. These jokers will sue people to the point of bankruptcy even without grounds for a case.”
Not so far, no, but this is exciting already, isn’t it? Erik really writes to grab the attention. I did get a chuckle or two out of someone suing me to the point of bankruptcy. If that ever seemed to be on the horizon, I’d probably just buy a fancy meal and beat them to the punch.
The other wrote with very sweet tips on a long-distance relationship:
“Don’t scrimp on phone bills. It’s part of the rent. Use land lines when you can, because the tone of voice comes through more clearly.”
Yeah, I believe in a related rule, which
Need more to read? EcoGeek 2007-03-15 15:50:50 Hey folks. There are a lot of transitions afoot! One includes me writing for a pretty sweet blog called EcoGeek.org. Having looked at the bios and experience of the other writers, I’m probably slightly underqualified, but that’s when I do my best work anyway.
The basic idea? We tell you about the various ways in which awesome technology (recent posts include flying cars) can help cut back on carbon emissions or help the environment in other ways. It’s kind of like combining your love of gadgetry with that desire to get all hippied out and live on a commune. A geek commune.
Slow on the bloggin’, fast on the… 2007-03-19 15:50:10 Video-eo-eo.
Ah, I’m slacking when it comes to joke-writing, but it’s ultimately for good. There’s plenty of madness coming right around the corner, and to sate my irrepressible desire to upload content to the Web, here’s a video from a couple of Circuses ago. It’s Yaffe, which means it’s hilarious. Enjoy!
P.S.: Thanks to the efforts of BCB, we’re gonna have even more videos up soon. He’s a machine. Thanks, dude!
SUN: Sports, seniors and adjectives 2007-03-18 19:32:31 Sunday morning dork-out, quickly this time…
Sports
Illustrated talks about how global warming could affect… sports! Grist, in covering the, uh, cover story, did ‘em one better and dug up a bunch of information on sports going green.
More sports, more mainstream media. USAToday on senior dance squads!
The NYT has the first chapter of word-nerd tome “When You Catch an Adjective, Kill It.” Read only if you totally want to talk adjectives. I do.
Potatoes, unemployment, maps 2007-03-23 08:08:32 These aren’t news jokes, they’re just joke jokes. Sometimes you have to write joke jokes. And sometimes you have to update your blog. When those times meet, you get this crappy post.
So, I’m currently unemployed. I do almost nothing during the day, which is not terribly different from life when I was employed, except that I’m even less likely to go out at night. I just sit around at home, eating and digesting. I’ve gotten really good at me. Friend of mine called me and asked, “Yo Dave, what are you up to tonight?” I said, “I’m eating a giant baked potato and taking a giant crap.” And I said that fully looking forward to both parts.
He said “I’m going to a huge party with a lot of babes, you want to go?” I said, “I told you, I’m busy.”
I’ve been meeting a lot of people from other places lately. I met a guy from Michigan and asked where in Michigan he was from. He said Michigan is shap
Insurance fraud 2007-03-24 02:55:52 This week’s column is up. I forgot to post it because… it’s complicated.
Here’s some of it:
It must have been two hours that I spent on the Anthem Web site, poring over the minute differences in insurance policies before I realized that I had no idea what I was reading. Like one of those times when you’re too sleepy to read, so you read the same sentence over and over again for 15 minutes until you see you’re not getting anywhere.
My sentence was something like this: “deductible out-of-pocket HSA blah blah I don’t know it was all in doctor-plus-lawyer language.”
Being on the verge, however, of lacking coverage, I soldiered on and blindly bought bizarre coverage. Some guy immediately showed up at my door, socked me in the face and told me that’d be $15, but then a doctor was right behind him, and that guy iced my jaw, gave me some aspirin and told me it was gratis. Read more:fraud
The mean stuff 2007-03-24 02:48:02 A friend and I were discussing today the nature of the Denver comedy scene. Its nature is dark. In honor of that discussion, here are a couple of quick, really dark jokes that I’d be unlikely to say on most stages.
Here’s some cool news: a Japanese billionaire has been giving his mansions to homeless native Hawaiians. Well, not really. He’s been letting the homeless into his mansions and then calling the cops for giggles.
John Edwards recently had a press conference to announce some sad news personally and possibly some bad news for his campaign. Inside his wife’s right rib, doctors found a malignant cancer. It was John Kerry.
I’ve got a really annoying friend who’s always doing dumb stuff
on dares to get attention. I hate that. So this week I dared him to eat some dog food. That shut him up forever.
Fries? 2007-03-25 03:49:12 Dave Horwitz & co. are very funny. I was just talking about them yesterday. Pretty recent, huh? Check this clip (not of me talking about Dave, but of Dave and other people saying things):
They’re in LA. Some of them.
Goin’ camping. 2007-03-27 14:12:26 Dear jokes,
I’m going to be writing you, but not digitally for a while. This is because I’m going camping.
See you when I get back.
Your pal,
Davers.
Hokey smokes 2007-04-01 04:46:54 We made it back alive. Here’s a photograph of the American West:
I’m now about two weeks out from moving to New York which means a number of things including a great chance of increased personal bullshit posts in this space, but I’ll try to keep up with some real-person news, too. Jokes coming up in the near future, I swear. Meantime, if you’re already in New York, be sure to see Zebro this Thursday at the PIT! And if you’re in Boulder, be sure to see the Secret Circus this Friday at Old Main!
PS: More photos of the American West to come… I’ll just put ‘em below the fold on this post eventually.
PPS: For readers of the column, you’re looking at the main characters. From left to right, The Lady, me and Drinkin’ Boots. We’re walking on a big (big) rock in Arches National Park.
April-themed jokes 2007-04-02 17:23:44 More jokes from Better Than The Machine:
Why no jokes from me? I’m running errands, dude! Cut me some slack! Read more:April
Dave vs. a Fisheye lens 2007-04-05 22:51:55 OK, why a fisheye lens? This is the cover of this week’s Boulder Weekly:
Story pasted below the fold along with a much better picture of me that also ran…
(more…)
The non-annotated Dave interview 2007-04-05 06:17:32 OK, so I wrote up this hilarious annotated version of this interview
where I commented on a bunch of my quotes and on what an idiot I am, but it turned out sounding so egotistical that I puked rabbits. I don’t know. At any rate, my interview in this week’s Denver/Boulder edition of the Onion is below the fold. Thanks to Brian Polk for the interview. Check out his other work. On with the interview…. (more…)
Dave Gets a Nuke, pt. 2 2007-04-04 23:13:37 The thrilling conclusion to Dave Gets a Nuke, pt. 1!
And again, I can’t stress enough how important it is to round out your understanding of our carefully-crafted sketch universe by viewing these related videos. They’re like spin-off videos. Like R*A*D*A*R. Remember that show? No, me neither.
Oh, and my interview in The Onion showed up today. It’s only in the Denver/Boulder editions, but if you’re in that general area, pick up a copy and flip to page 53. I’ll post the interview here in a bit.
Postcards from the American West 2007-04-04 20:29:54 I said I’d put these photos from our trip to Utah back in the previous post about said trip. Screw that! They’re too good. They go here. In case you’re curious, these are mostly taken in Arches National Park. One is obviously at the border of Utah and Colorado along I-70.
Ballard C. Boyd, director, in what appears to be his element. (more…) Read more:Postcards
, American
Dave Gets a Nuke, pt. 1 2007-04-04 19:56:40 Part 1 of 2. Next video coming very soon.
Directed by the illustrious Ballard C. Boyd, shot by the omnipresent Jason Lang, written by me.
This was a fun one to do and I enjoy this first part, but BCB’s role in the interactive Part 1.5 (see, it’s not really integral to the plot, but it helps, so it’s one and a half… or something) is the piece de resistance here.
I’d already have Part 2 up but YouTube was totally playing hard to get last night so I went to sleep unfulfilled.
This despite spending the time between midnight and 2 a.m. at Ballard’s place shooting a video for this week’s Circus. There was a moment where it was just the two of us in his apartment, both in dresses and pigtails, watching the original and recent cover of “My Humps.”
It was the first time in a while that we were both weirded out by something we were working on.
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