Owner: Suzanne France URL:http://www.suzannefrance.com Join Date: Sun, 21 Jan 2007 10:38:46 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: My Blank Mission. Site statistics:Click here
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I'll probably end up at the start. 2007-01-28 21:32:44 This is the beginning of my blog. I bought my own domain name over a year ago when I was sitting at my desk in the worst job I had ever had in my life. I needed the escape, I needed to feel I had a place to vent. Unfortunately, I never got around to setting up my domain, installing wordpress and finding a template to match the blog I wanted to create. I didn’t even know what I wanted for the domain, just the blog and maybe some pictures now and then (the Flickr account will be set up soon, by the way.) What I did want was my own page, a place to write down everything. I wanted a blog to help spread around my thoughts, just so they wouldn’t stay in my head for as long.
I can assure you that my blog posts will ramble. I will go into an emotional tyrant and never end up proving any point that I originally wanted to make at the start of my rant. I am one who is a poor proofreader of my own work (because I find pseudo genius is ever word at first…two days later I read word
Too little too late but we can't say no. 2007-01-30 05:01:48 I shouldn’t start out the day with, “I hate…” but I do. I hate having to go to a job that doesn’t do anything for me anymore. It’s a waste of time and energy. As long as admin leaves me the fuck alone I’m okay but I still hate it. I’m always tired, my energy is always drained, I’m always focused on shit that doesn’t matter and I come home, ready to collapse because I’m so wiped out.
I want to write a book. I want to have a sit down, office job, I want to do my job, have quiet time, write and have time at home to keep on writing. I don’t have anyone to see anymore, I don’t have any reason to get up each morning except for what I convince myself to be happy about. I keep trying to believe that I’ll meet someone, I’ll find a new job, I’ll have other friends and other things to do. I guess there’s a reason for this. I’m sure I have to have my own alone time so I don’t end up ru Read more:little
Hold on 'cause the coldest hasn't thawed yet. 2007-01-31 06:05:17 When I wake up in the morning, I just want to stay home. I force myself to get up, especially like today when it’s so cold outside and so nice and warm in here. At least I woke up at 6:45 like I’m supposed to. I have my oatmeal and my coffee and I’m making myself not hate having to be up.
Eh, who am I fooling? Working and worrying about something in the outside world (no matter how trivial it is) gives me a way to keep my own emotions and all of my inner shit a break. It’s 43 degrees outside and I can feel the cold behind this big sliding glass door I have out to my porch.
The day went by fine and no one bothered me or my kids while the guest and the press were there. I did hear about my friends’ new found fame as “a whole damn camera crew” came into her class while I was babysitting my kids with a paranoia only a women on the edge of her career can appreciate. This is why I need coffee in the afternoons anymore…I exhaust myself with worr
Reminds me that it's killing time. 2007-02-03 17:39:06 I just wondered what I was doing on 02.02.02. I was in college then. I was probably fucking off there some how and not going to classes. No, I think that was the time when I was infatuated with the guy in all of my writing classes. I never got too far with him, but I got farther than I do with most. No, maybe he came after that. Maybe this was the time in college, a term before the guy, when I got the flu and was sick over Christmas break and had to go to the college health department to have some med student tell me there was nothing he could do for me. I was miserable sick then. I also remember being 185lbs. when they weighed me. I weigh only 20lbs. less than that now and I need to lose 20 more. Stupid weight. Why can’t we just work our asses off for a year, get skinny, and then get a shot to keep the fat from rebuilding later on?
Those are times when I look back, thinking that I had a life. I remember those times as being so confusing and emotionally stressful (as is anything
I do my dance in the round. 2007-02-04 03:03:21 Some days I have to just sleep for a while, just to stop thinking. My head hurts by the afternoon anymore because I’ve gotten too over-involved in what I’m doing, thinking so much I can’t concentrate, and exhausting myself from talking and reading out-loud to the kids.
Yesterday I started reading Prep so I could concentrate on something else, and left the kids to work in the library on their own. (Which worked a little bit, but they still kept trying to talk to me and asking me for “help” which meant for me to do the damn work for them.) But for the most part, I got to read and be quiet and not have to talk loud, get anyone’s attention, frown so much my forehead wanted to be permanently glued in a furrow (the main reason I really should get Botox.)
Last night, after I ate my left over Mexican dinner, smoked a cigarette and passed out in my bed for two hours, Fran called and we watched Talladega Nights with her husband and dad. We really were disappoi Read more:round
Our thoughts compressed, which makes us blessed. 2007-02-05 03:49:46 Yesterday I at least vacuumed and cleaned up a little bit. Vacuuming isn’t a hard job, it just makes
me really have to set my mind to doing it before I will. Every time I’m finished I think, “Now why in hell didn’t I just do that earlier?” I should vacuum at least once each weekend but, nope, I go two to three weeks before I do it.
When I first got my apartment I was so worried about cleaning it. I was afraid of turning into my mother if I left it messy or cluttered. I’ve always worried about being like my mother, ending up sitting alone, waiting for my husband to care about me, wishing things were different. The only things that seem different from her anymore are that I live on my own without kids or a man to be tied down too, the fact that I received an education and the want to do something for myself rather than constantly believing that nothing will ever change. Well, at least I believe it a little more than she does. (I’ve just worried a Read more:thoughts
Promise and enlightenment abounded. 2007-02-11 20:52:27 I’m trying to upgrade my Wordpress to 2.1“Ella.” I read the instructions and deleted the right folders and didn’t delete the specified ones, so hopefully I’ll figure out how to actually upgrade when I’m done uploading all the folders to the server.
Everything has worked fine except the stupid link categories. You can no longer edit your categories and the old code won’t display your links. Pain in the ass that I hope they fix really soon. Plus, the auto-save thing slows everything down. It’s a nice feature because I’ve lost posts due to some stupid “cannot find server” error, but now I type in WordPad, then post the entry.
Last night, when I was coming home from Fran’s, I thought to myself that my blog was stupid and I should go to Wal-Mart to buy things instead of hurry home to sit at a computer. I had some cash so I didn’t have to charge anything for a change, and I bought crap I need and crap I don’t
Shake your head it's empty. 2007-02-13 05:52:03 Another Monday is here. At least this weekend I went to Fran’s twice so I did something else. I didn’t sulk. I really want to be left alone each day but it’s better if I go do something else so I can have a break in my routine (or rut, really.)
We watched the Grammy’s last night and I went off on Mary J. Blige winning for ruining a perfectly good U2 song. As I wrote to Lori (Fran’s sister and also my friend) tonight:
I mean did you see the Grammy’s and how Mary J Blige won for best something or the other because she sang “One”, one of the best U2 songs, with Bono. Can’t she sing her own damn song without ruining a good one? And why in hell is she getting an award for that. She should be hip hopping something else. Why does she have to sing a good song. Like we said, hell, she sang with Sting too and everyone thought it was such a great duet. Why does everyone like her so much? She’s pretty and has sang for a while but is she r Read more:Shake
Now it's three in the morning and you're eating alone. 2007-02-18 21:55:34 I remember being in the old library collections area of UCF and the librarian telling us that those writers who used some type of electronic device to write, ran into the possibility of never having anyone in the future being able to decode their work and read it again. She said there was one writer who used a device that he had while overseas in the army; we don’t have the technology now to even read what he wrote back then. That’s why I always use paper for some of my writing. I should just print out everything I write and keep it in my accordion filing envelope.
I ate a plain bagel with 2 tablespoons of light cream cheese and 1/4 cup of Southwest Eggbeaters, plus a bunch of coffee a little fat free creamer. I don’t even know why I bother to put the creamer in there, I need the coffee to be so strong that it won’t turn a light color, no matter what I add to it. I did my laundry, took my shower and shaved. I actually have felt better in the past two days. I don Read more:alone
, eating
I'm coming up only to hold you under. 2007-02-26 03:43:31 Last night I went over to Fran’s to watch The Illusionist with her, B., her sister and brother, their kids and her dad. The movie wasn’t really good, very, very predictable but cool looking in parts (turn of the century Vienna.) Fran said she got it because she heard the other magician movie sucked.
I went over there with the statement that I would only eat chicken wings, but when I saw the pizza I ate five pieces of it, plus the wings. I only had a piece of that fake chocolate cake in a box. Today it’s back to really watching points. Hey, at least I’ve lost some weight.
Like I told Fran last night, and why in hell does it matter how much I weigh anyway? As long as I’m happy with my weight, why does it matter if I’m 160 or 140? I don’t want to be overweight or obese, I just can’t let that happen. But there’s no real point in being anorexic, even though I do love how I look when I’m really thin. But when I was healthy and at my
Loves are found and loves are lost. 2007-02-27 13:23:17 Joyce Meyer told me this morning that if we want a mate, we can’t wait around for them to knock on the door. She said, well, rather the guest pastor said, we have to try to cultivate people in order to find that someone. Isn’t life hard enough without having to try and search and spread myself thin just to find someone? I was thinking last night anyway that even if I found someone who was what I want; sexy, funny, smart, cool, rocker styled, compassionate, intriguing and intrigued by me…that I still would be so afraid to be close to them.
We try but we don’t belong. 2007-02-26 13:20:51 I may have said this before, but lately, at least as of the past six months maybe, I’ve had very distinct feelings of desire to be in a place where I have been before. For instance, this morning, I was thinking about how nice it would be to have a writer’s life and be able to get up at 6AM, not to go to an institution to slave myself for someone else, but to work for myself. I think it would be nice to get up, make my coffee and my cereal and sit down at this computer to do a job that I perpetuate on my own. Then I decided that the only way I could get that any time soon would be to have a husband who had some money.
Then, as I poured the cereal, I had the vivid thought that I wanted to be in Oregon again. Not for anything particular, just to walk the streets again, to stay in the little house that had the front porch, to be in another place and be able to do other things.
Usually I have the desire to be in Ohio. I will be in a few months but I’m not really excited. S
I don’t need your love to disconnect. 2007-03-04 05:11:18 Today is the day I got married. Today is also the day that I first moved into my apartment. Today is the day I always have hidden in the back of my mind to have something big-ish happen. I think I just do it, not to celebrate the marriage that was a farce, but to override the pain that it caused. Moving into my apartment is way more memorable and has much more pleasant undertones of a good day than my fake marriage was.
Of course, when I moved into my apartment, I was sad because I had just gotten heartbroken for the second time by the boy. It made me mad at myself, at least now I’m more mad at myself, at the time I was just wallowing in misery, that I didn’t even get to really enjoy that time. I had wanted to move into a place all my own for years and then the elation was stolen away when the event finally happened because someone hurt me. This is why I just can’t let myself love any guy like that again.
But I thought yesterday how that wasn’t love. Love is how Read more:disconnect
The joy of repetition really is in you. 2007-03-04 17:11:19 I just balanced all of my accounts on Microsoft Money 2007. According to all five of my credit and loan accounts, I am exactly $34k in debt. That is way, way more than I ever imagined. I see people on Dr. Phil who owe less than that and are in a crisis. Man, I fucked up, didn’t I?
I listed about 17 books online for Ebay to see if I can make some money from them. So far, I have no bids. I should go through those clothes I bought online too but that’s too much of a pain in the ass anyway.
I sat down and wrote one page. What I wanted the story to be, can turn into something I’ve thought about for a long time, but it’s sexual and I don’t know if I’m comfortable giving my whole vision of what it could be, every detail that I’ve come up with in my head, for people to read. I’m so damn modest about that stuff, but I wonder if it would be a good read if I added some kind of sexual encounter in my story.
I’m not saying I write to write eroti Read more:repetition
The workers are going home. 2007-03-07 13:35:20 Yesterday was just a bad day. I was so upset and frustrated that I was on the verge of tears and ready to walk out of my job. My physician wouldn’t give me anything for ADD and, instead, gave me Xanax, which isn’t doing shit. I can’t go to sleep, I can’t stay asleep.My father told me that there were two jobs at the company that he works for, so I applied for those online, hoping I can get an interview soon.I’m tired of my job and I was so sick of being there, not appreciated, feeling horrible about even trying to do my job when I can’t put my best efforts forward. I like the socialization that I have with the girls at work, but this is just too much to keep doing each day.
Maybe I just have PMS. That depresses me really badly most months.
I left during lunch hour to go to the therapist’s. We didn’t get much accomplished except that my insurance now only wants me to be seen every other week and my therapist said that if my physician wouldn
Got her own style, leaves the windows real wide. 2007-03-11 00:34:16 I wanted to make sure I wrote something for the site today, since I didn’t write anything yesterday and I won’t be spending all day at home. Yesterday I stayed home, read some, rested, ate pizza with my parents (then finished eating more pizza at home), exchanged underwear at JCPenny’s (that was a new experience for me, by the way) and watched Half Nelson before going to bed.
Fran didn’t call last night and today we are to go to her niece’s baby shower in a few hours, so I’ll still have to get her a gift card or something and use this old card I had to send my friend (the one I never had money to put a gift card in and send to, so I bought a new card all together.)
Half Nelson was very good, and it made me love Ryan Gosling even more. After watching Stay I thought he was cool, like an extra member of Interpol or something, but seeing him even more scruffy and strung out in this movie convinced me that, yes, he is hot.
I’m trying to finish up the “About” page wi Read more:leaves
If you don’t have it you’re on the other side. 2007-03-19 05:02:53 I’m having the worst time. I can’t make up my mind about anything; I can’t decide whether to sit in my bed, read, write and stare off into space, or, go to Fran’s, watch a movie and break up the monotony of my weekend. It seems like a no brainer to most people, but I get anxious if my time at home is jeopardized, but I feel bored and restless when my time at home has worn out its welcome.
Last night we watched Marie Antoinette. It was just plain sad at the end. I knew a lot of the story and the movie was very pretty but it wasn’t like the greatest movie ever made. She was a child when she arrived in France, had a doofus for a husband, got bored, spent money, finally had kids, got peasants pissed at her and ended up being killed. I wonder if she even ever had any inclining as to who she was or what she could do besides being a bored, rich housewife. I’d like to read the book but I won’t order it just yet.
For the past two days I’ve struggl
What to say, what to do. 2007-07-31 01:34:36 Here it is, 9:45 in the morning and, as usual, I’m wasting time. I have two weeks left of my second online writing grad class (only eight more to go, woo hoo!) and…
Well, that was the beginning of a post I was going to write last week and never got it finished. Now I have only five days left to get my two last big writing pieces turned in. Non-fiction was good to me but I’m glad to start going into the fiction. It seems more feasible to spend my time and money and efforts into something that is respectable.
Speaking of money, the job status is null again and unemployment is saying something about not being able to “confirm” that I was available to work and was looking for work. Um…wouldn’t the hundreds of applications I sent through CareerBuilder and Monster alone “confirm” that status? Again, it just means that I will have to make a bunch of annoying phone calls, wait for the next available operator and then vent my
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