Owner: instant Humour URL:http://www.instanthumour.com Join Date: Sat, 08 Dec 2007 03:08:39 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: A humour blog with the funniest jokes, photos, videos, stories and anecdotes. Clean humor for everyone and safe for all places. Site statistics:Click here
Crazy English language 2007-12-14 05:16:45 Â This is not the first time I’m writing about the inconsistencies in the language
, First it was English
Proverbs and then about how dangerous English was. Well, now one more. I’m wondering whether I should start writing in some other language:-)
Let’s face it, English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese — one moose, two meese? And one index, Read more:Crazy
Incredible story about an elephant 2007-12-11 09:35:16 A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen — thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and w Read more:story
, Incredible
Pocket Taser 2007-12-11 03:34:46 A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Taser
for their anniversary submitted this.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??
AWESOME!!!?
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.??
Okay Read more:Pocket
Dear dog 2007-12-10 10:38:17 Dear Dog,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by Schumacher and is not a racetrack Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
Actual leave notes!! 2007-12-23 11:46:31 These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country, amazingly funny:
1) My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He
Wisdom of age-3 2007-12-18 08:54:38 An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,"$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my Read more:Wisdom
Advanced urine test 2008-03-07 04:48:31 One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your [...]
Presence of mind 2008-03-03 02:09:30 John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do.
John walked into the back room and said, “There’s a [...] Read more:Presence
The blonde painter 2008-02-29 06:23:06 A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde [...]
How God balances things!! 2008-02-29 05:54:25 1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money [...] Read more:things
10 things you don’t like to hear during surgery 2008-02-25 04:38:19 I’ve just recently had a surgery for my right hand and I know how scary it feels just thinking about going under the knife. I had a good laugh reading this joke today. But seriously - these are 10 things
that I surely don’t want to hear my doctor say…
* Has anyone seen my watch?
* [...]
Football demystified 2008-02-25 04:28:52 A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right at the fifty yard line. It was exciting too, a real nail biter. After the game, he asked her if she had a good time.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tightpants and all the big muscles, [...] Read more:Football
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