Owner: instant Humour URL:http://www.instanthumour.com Join Date: Sat, 08 Dec 2007 03:08:39 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: A humour blog with the funniest jokes, photos, videos, stories and anecdotes. Clean humor for everyone and safe for all places. Site statistics:Click here
The Perfect Shot 2008-03-27 08:20:36 A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed… driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, “What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the [...] Read more:Perfect
Watermelons 2008-03-27 00:20:34 A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!”
He smiled smugly as he [...]
Logic about condom packs 2008-03-28 20:55:15 A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are.
The dad replies, “Well son, those are condoms and they’re for protection when you’re having sex.”
The son then picks up one of the packs
and asks why it has three in it.
The [...] Read more:Logic
Going To A Lecture 2008-03-28 07:55:09 The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. “What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” said the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture.” The man said.
“And who is going to give a lecture [...] Read more:Going
The Preacher’s Horse Racing exploits 2008-04-01 03:07:29 A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since [...] Read more:Horse
, Racing
, exploits
, Horse Racing
Height of Suspicion 2008-03-31 16:54:33 Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It [...] Read more:Height
, Suspicion
Little Johnny’s wife 2008-03-31 06:54:31 At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny
seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”
Little Johnny
responded, “I [...]
Ten Dollars Is Ten Dollars 2008-04-02 09:35:13 Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
One year Fred and Edna went to the [...]
Portrait 2008-04-13 23:38:27 Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist.
She told the artist, “Paint me with 3- carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant.”
“But ma’am, you are not wearing any of those things.”
“I know,” said Mrs. Johnson. “My health is not good [...] Read more:Portrait
No fear 2008-04-18 01:41:57 A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
“You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear.”
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the [...]
Tennis Balls 2008-07-04 04:14:27 Whilst jogging in the park a man finds a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slips it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stops at the pedestrian crossing. While waiting for the lights to change, a girl standing next to him eyes [...] Read more:Tennis
, Balls
Manic depression 2008-07-04 04:03:48 The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.
Speaking specifically about manic depression
, the instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair [...] Read more:Manic
Irate customer 2008-07-03 07:20:40 For all of you out there who’ve had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It’s a classic! In tribute to those ’special’ customers we all love!
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a [...]
Professional gambler 2008-07-03 07:17:31 During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”
The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”
The guy [...] Read more:gambler
War prisoner 2008-07-02 05:31:34 During WW II a British fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis.
He was hurt pretty bad, so he the German doctor amputated his arm.
He requested that they drop his arm over his base in England.
So the Germans did.
The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked [...]
Theory of existence 2008-07-01 05:45:07 An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this [...] Read more:Theory
Signalman interview 2008-07-01 05:28:50 Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector puts this question to him: “What would you do if you realized that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?”
Gary says, “I would switch the points for one of [...] Read more:interview
The Parrot’s prayer 2008-06-27 20:12:49 A lady approaches her priest and tells him “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a [. Read more:Parrot
Juggling knives 2008-06-26 22:24:40 A Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car?” asked the officer.
“I juggle them in my act.”
“Oh yeah?” says the cop. “Let’s see you do it.”
So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad [...]
How Many Kids? 2008-06-26 04:26:46 Some newly married friends were visiting them when the topic of children came up.
The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, [...]
Fruit picking 2008-06-25 01:22:30 Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of any fruit. So all three men went separate [...] Read more:Fruit
Selling insurance 2008-07-08 02:01:14 A man walks into an insurance
office and asks for a job.
“Sorry, we don’t need anyone…” they replied.
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!”
“Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job.”
He was gone [...]
Difference between a Teacher and an Educator 2008-08-04 05:40:03 (You’ve got to love this Headmistress)
According to a news report, a certain private school was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the [...] Read more:Teacher
, Educator
A sweet revenge 2008-09-17 02:34:06 Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they both wanted to go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy [...]
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