Owner: Senior Citizen Humor URL:http://seniorcitizenhumor.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Sat, 20 Jan 2007 17:40:04 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: The Lighter Side of Getting Old. Funny photos, cartoons, jokes, videos, stories and much more. Young and old will appreciate. Site statistics:Click here
What a difference a hundred years makes 2007-08-07 12:19:00 The year is 1907 - one hundred years ago. Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1907. The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. Only 14% of the homes had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00.There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births took place at home. 90% of all U.S. doctors had no college education. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and the government as “substandard.” Sugar co Read more:difference
, makes
Pet Therapy in Nursing Homes 2007-08-15 04:34:00 The New York Times, August 15, 2007 - Barbara Farling, therapeutic recreation consultant for the State Department of Health Services says "Elderly people checking into nursing homes around the state are finding more than a clean bed, a friendly nurse and companionship. Now there's a real trend toward pet-therapy programs for the elderly because it works. People need to be needed and animals need people.'' Editors Note - Ever since they adopted Bubba the boa, some of the other pets in the program seem to have disappeared. Read more:Therapy
, Nursing
, Homes
Texas Three Kick Rule 2007-08-12 11:09:00 A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas
. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.... As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three
-Kick-Rule." The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?." The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly t
Health News 2007-08-19 05:24:00 In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin. Read more:Health
How to feel good 2007-08-20 12:00:00 I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and last night I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos and the remainder of my old Prozac prescription. You have no idea how FREAKING GOOD I feel. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
Old Volunteer Firefighters 2007-08-20 11:53:00 One dark night outside a small town in Alberta, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and Il will give $50,000.00 to the fire department thatbrings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000.00 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Mundare Rural Township Volunteer
Fire Department, composed mainly of Ukrainian men over the age of 65 Read more:Firefighters
Special senior rates 2007-08-30 16:29:00 An elderly gentleman went to a ranch and asked for the rates. "Well," began the ranch director, "For people your age we charge an extra $50 a day." "50 dollars a day!" yelped the old timer, "You must be putting me on!" "No," said the director, "that would be an additional 20 dollars." Read more:Special
, senior
The Sex Therapist 2007-09-18 21:53:00 A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?” The old man said, “Oh, we’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married, so we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $ Read more:Therapist
Good Friends 2007-09-13 09:04:00 The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. Read more:Friends
Sad News 2007-09-10 19:19:00 With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
No Refills? 2007-09-06 20:09:00 A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'." Read more:Refills
The Living Will 2007-09-06 06:34:00 Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer. She's Such A Bitch..... Read more:Living
Jennifer Lopez Fantasy 2007-09-06 06:14:00 That old geezer should be so lucky. That's Jennifer Lopez
all right, butt at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. Read more:Jennifer Lopez
That's from grandma 2007-09-04 05:28:00 A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
NASCAR 2007-09-30 18:37:00 Watch grandma and grandpa as they burn some rubber. Read more:NASCAR
Pillsbury Doughboy Dead at 71 2007-09-27 11:40:00 It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was never considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even still he was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he had reached his expirati
Republican 2007-10-22 07:50:00 This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself.""What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated."Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?" "Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican
, he'd be screwing somebody!"
Golden Wedding Anniversary 2007-10-23 16:15:00 A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple" The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. The husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." "We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, a Read more:Golden
, Anniversary
Alzheimer's or AIDS? 2007-11-08 09:02:00 "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one Mr. Ward tested positive for Alzheimer
's and the other one was positive for AIDS
. We can't tell which is your husband's." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally, yes, but Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Keep The Old Motor Running 2007-11-06 16:18:00 The marriage of an 80-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running." The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?" The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running." A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, "Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?" The old Read more:Motor
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