Owner: Senior Citizen Humor URL:http://seniorcitizenhumor.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Sat, 20 Jan 2007 17:40:04 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: The Lighter Side of Getting Old. Funny photos, cartoons, jokes, videos, stories and much more. Young and old will appreciate. Site statistics:Click here
A little afternoon delight 2007-04-18 18:24:00 Germany's largest brothel is offering a 50% discount on sex to senior citizens. If you have to get old, Germany isn't a bad place to do so. As well as generous state pensions, German senior citizens enjoy a host of benefits during their twilight years. Now, in addition to discounted rail travel, cut-price cinema tickets and cheap museum entry, Germany's old folk have a new perk to take advantage of: a 50- percent discount at Germany's largest brothel. Between noon and 5:00 PM, the Cologne brothel "Pascha" is offering this half-off discount for sex to senior citizens 66 years of age and older. Some seniors would probably agree that this is far superior to the early bird special at the neighborhood restaurant or the senior citizen discount at the movies. Senior citizen patrons of the brothel are required to show proof of age. The 12-story Cologne brothel is trying to tap into the growing pensioner demographic in Germany. It test-marketed its half-off services by offering the early bi Read more:little
, delight
Almost pissed in my pants 2007-04-22 23:05:00 This is hilarious. You have to hear this old man laughing. I warn you it's highly contagious. You're gonna love the ending also. Read more:Almost
Pledge of Allegiance 2007-04-26 18:31:00 Before she died, an elderly woman from the United States wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport. "You must first take the loyalty oath," the passport clerk said. "Raise your right hand, please." The senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?" The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, "Well, I guess so, but . . . will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?" Read more:Pledge
Why old people shouldn't exercise 2007-04-26 02:28:00 1) Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years of age to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month. 2) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is. 3) The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 4) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound yet. Apparently you have to go there. 5) I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what the hell I'm doing. 6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me. 7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
The Little White Box (Before I die please) 2007-04-30 04:21:00 Amusing and very touching story about an elderly patient named Mrs. Mathers, and her caregiver, in a nursing home who keeps asking for a little white box before she dies. Hope you enjoy it as much as i did. Read more:White
The secret to longevity... 2007-05-03 19:10:00 A husband a wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity
. The wife replied that they had never been sick. The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden." And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 100's of times, and twice in a buggy."
Quick! Get me a woman! 2007-05-03 19:08:00 A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up and shouted: "Quick
! Get me a woman
! Fast!!" The grandson moaned: "Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, its three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're 82 years old, and third, that's MY dick you're holding... not yours."
Silent Movies 2007-05-09 18:57:00 For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.." Read more:Silent
Too old to squat! 2007-05-19 16:00:00 Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There ain't no justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant. Well, she said: "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!!!"
Do it every night 2007-05-22 12:06:00 Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly home, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many times can you do it?" "Oh, I do it almost every
night of the week!" "Almost every night!!?????" "Yup! Almost on Monday, Almost on Tuesday, Almost on Wednesday,.........."
Raisin bread 2007-06-04 20:21:00 A general store owner hired a young female clerk who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day, a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk, and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man said politely. The female clerk nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descended the ladder, he mused that he really should get two loaves, as he was having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requested his own loaf of raisin bread, so he could continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, th Read more:Raisin
So your available... 2007-06-12 11:55:00 A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I used to live here years ago." "So, where were you all these years?" "In prison," he says. "What did they put you in prison for?" He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife." "Oh!," says the woman. "So you're single..." Read more:available
Bless you 2007-06-21 12:38:00 The little girl atarted: "Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," "You are? Why?" the old man asks her. "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth." "Of course I have, dear," the old fellow says. "How else can I catch my teeth?" Read more:Bless
You gotta kill 'em while they're small 2007-06-21 12:23:00 An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills came to visit a childhood friend. Now he'd never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run. Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle... WOOOO--ooo---OOOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger. Predictably, the old boy is hit -- fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels off the tracks, get's off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle wooOOO.... Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper. His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely tea kettle?" The
Don't fart in bed 2007-06-19 16:39:00 This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpa
Having kids causes old age 2007-06-26 11:59:00 There's been a lot in the news lately about the scientific community's research on aging. If they can identify the factors that make people age, scientists say it will make a big step toward longer lives for all of us. At the risk of putting a lot of scientists out of work, there's really no big mystery. Having
kids causes
old age. I don't have a lot of studies, charts, and analytical data to support that. All I do is offer myself as "Exhibit A." Before I became a father, I was a young man. My stomach was flat, my skin was smooth, and my body parts did not creak. Then my first kid came out of the delivery room. I became an old man on the drive home from the hospital. My back went first. Their mother got the stretch marks, but I got the slipped disc from loading 700 pounds of port-a-potties into the trunk of the car every time we took a trip that lasted longer than half an hour. After 8,000 miles of horsey-back rides across the kitchen floor, I had blisters on my palms, calluses on
Long legs 2007-06-26 11:43:00 While watching TV with my grandson, we saw an attractive woman wearing an evening gown with leg openings going all the way up to her waist. "Why do they wear gowns like that grandpa?" he asked. "Maybe that style makes their legs look longer?" I speculated. "No," he said, "I think it makes the men look longer." Smart kid my grandson!
On getting old 2007-07-04 06:46:00 The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know. Old Age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my father/mother!), but I don’t agonize over those things for long. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I’ve aged, I’ve become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend.I don’t chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I
Grandma's don't know everything 2007-07-11 11:54:00 Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma
, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said,"Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"
I'm coming back to haunt you. 2007-07-23 13:00:00 An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt
you for the rest of your life! "Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave, and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down . . . "
Super Granny 2007-07-17 20:16:00 Is it the supernatural powers of Russian women?Or maybe it’s just a photoshoped image?No! This boulder is from pumice-stone, the lightweight mineral which is formed from volcano lava. So even the boulder of such size can be lifted easily. And not only by Russian women. Read more:Super
Got a good caption? 2007-07-26 06:36:00 Prince Charles of Wales or Royal Dirty Old Man. Got a good caption? Leave a comment.
Nice ass 2007-07-30 10:16:00 This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?" She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" "Your name never came up..." she replied.
Gravity and aging 2007-08-02 12:25:00 In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was "exciting." Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day... like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first. The audience laughed so hard they cried.
Elderly Pre-Nups 2007-08-07 12:26:00 An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married. She said, “I want to keep my house.” He said, “That's fine with me.”She said, “And I want to keep my Cadillac.” He said, “That's fine with me.” She said, “And I want to have sex 6 times a week.” He said, “That's fine with me. Put me down for Fridays.”
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