Owner: Funny Jokes & Amusing Stories URL:http://dyoks.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2007 09:00:35 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Funny Jokes & Amusing Stories is a collection of funny jokes and amusing stories of everyday life, where you can find English jokes, Tagalog jokes, funny pictures and animation and other funny stuffs. Site statistics:Click here
Erap Joke: Dental Appointment 2007-12-04 08:49:00 The Estrada's were shown into the dentist's office, where Erap made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Erap turned to his wife Loi. "Show him your tooth, Honey."
Marriage Joke: Only Married Men 2007-12-04 03:12:00 In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous ... or what?""Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
Politics Joke: Cute Story 2007-12-03 22:27:00 This is a cute story. Today, legendary singer Neil Diamond revealed that the hit song "Sweet Caroline" was named for Caroline Kennedy.In a not-so-cute story, the English band The Prodigy revealed that their song "Smack My Bitch Up" was inspired by Hillary Clinton.- Alex Kaseberg
Amusing Stories: Land-mines 2007-12-02 17:00:00 Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality."No", the man replied. "Land-mines
." Read more:Stories
Sex Joke: Top 10 Reasons Why Studying is Better Than Sex 2007-12-02 16:58:00 10. You can usually find someone to do it with.9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off.8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.7. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has opened it.6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.5. If you don’t finish a chapter, you won’t gain a reputation as a "book teaser".4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.3. You don’t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.2. You don’t have to put your beer down to do it.and the number one reason is ...1. If you aren’t sure what you’re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help! Read more:Reasons
School Joke: Map Reading 2007-12-01 16:47:00 The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone." Read more:Reading
, School
Animal Joke: Idiot Hippopotamus 2007-12-01 03:49:00 Boy1: Why did you punched me?Boy2: You called me hippopotamus!Boy1: Are you nuts! That was last year.Boy2: I know. I just saw a picture of hippopotamus a minute ago, idiot! Read more:Animal
Marriage Joke: If Only You Are Good 2007-11-30 16:46:00 Husband: You know what dear, if you are only good in cooking, we don't need the maid. We can save P3,000.Wife: Sweetheart, if you are only good in bed, we don't need the driver. We can also save P5,000!
Sex Joke: Bed Talk 2007-11-30 16:41:00 Boy: "Is this your first time?"Girl: (angrily) "Yes! You guys are really weird, always asking me the samequestion!
Amusing Stories: Free Condom 2007-11-30 04:29:00 Last year, Nursing students distributed condoms to Ugoy residents in theMountain of Minglanilla for birth control. Yesterday, one resident wrote a letter to one of the Nursing students, saying, "Can I removed this condom now?" Read more:Condom
, Stories
Work Joke: How To Look Like You're Working Hard 2007-11-29 18:20:00 1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.2. Use computers to look busy.Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new softwa
Work Joke: Breaktime 2007-11-29 17:19:00 My secretary liked to yammer on the phone with friends. One day I was about to interrupt her chat to tell her to get back to work, when she looked up at the clock and put an end to the conversation. "Sorry, I have to hang up now," she said. "It's time for my break." -- James MaxwellSource: RD
Little Johnny Joke: Realistic Drawings 2007-11-28 17:05:00 Little Johnny
drew a fly on the class grade book.It looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler.The fly didn’t fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again the fly didn’t fly away.This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.With the class laughing, she realized what had happened.Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny’s father to school."You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said."That’s nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick." Read more:Little Johnny
, Realistic
Little Johnny Joke: I Think I Can 2007-11-28 06:00:00 A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils’ answer by reciting a short poem.The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby...if I can, and I think I can."The next on the list was Johnny
.htm">Little Johnny
, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don’t give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can....and I think can!"
Little Johnny Joke: Let Me Suck It 2007-11-27 22:55:00 One day, Johnny
.htm">Little Johnny
's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!" "Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered. "Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven. "Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said. Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!". The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?" Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."
Sex Joke: Super Slam 2007-11-26 17:20:00 One sunny day, Super
man was flying around Metropolis looking for something to do. He spotted Spiderman and flew down to him. "Hey Spiderman, what are you doing today?" Spiderman replied that he had a broken webslinger so he couldn't do anything. Superman continued flying around Metropolis and spotted Batman. Batman told Superman he couldn't do anything because he needed to fix the Batcar. Superman began flying around yet again and saw Wonder Woman lying on her back, naked on top of a Metropolis building. Superman thought to himself that if he was faster than a speeding train, he could fly down and screw Wonder Woman before she ever knew what happened. So Superman flew down, screwed her faster than a speeding bullet and flew away. Wonder Woman then said, "Hey, what just happened?" The Invisible Man rolled over and replied, "I don't know but my ass is killing me!"
Work Joke: Giving more than 100% 2007-11-25 16:38:00 Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here’s a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%?If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Zis represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.Then, H A R D W O R K8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%K N O W L E D G E11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%But,A T T I T U D E1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%And,B U L L S H I T2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.And look how far this will take you......A S S K I S S I N G1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%Think about it...and have a nice day at work. Read more:Giving
Marriage Joke: Waiting 2007-11-25 04:17:00 A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"The husband replies: "Autumn." Read more:Waiting
Computer Joke: MS Tech at Bootcamp 2007-11-24 19:26:00 One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!" Read more:Computer
Animal Joke: A Real Polar Bear 2007-11-24 19:24:00 A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear." Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear." Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm fucking freezing!" Read more:Polar
, Animal
Sex Joke: In the Prison 2007-11-24 02:38:00 Four convicts were eating in the chow hall one day.One says, "You guys mind if I fart?""No." "Pfffffffffffffff"A second guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?""No." "Pffffffffffffff"A third guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?""No." "Pffffffffffffff"The fourth guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?""No." "BRRRRRAAAAAPPP!!The other three guys look astonished. "Wow!! A virgin!!" Read more:Prison
Marriage Joke: Baby Talk 2007-11-23 16:32:00 This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet." The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."
Computer Joke: The World's Smartest Man? 2007-12-11 04:22:00 A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane."I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane."I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.""You don't have Read more:World
, Computer
Sex Joke: The Bull 2007-12-10 05:31:00 An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting this fact to a few of his friends down at the local grain silos. One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?" "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her." He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip-roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip-roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out loud,.... "Darling. Look at THIS!!!" "She rolls over, turns on the li
Priest Joke: Confession of a Sinner 2007-12-09 00:18:00 There once was a young woman who went to confession.Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."She said, "Last night my neighbor´s husband made passionate love to me seven times."The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."She asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"The Priest
said "No, but it will wipe that damn smile off of your face!
Elderly Joke: The Fishing Trip 2007-12-08 23:26:00 A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied, "NO!""Then you’re not old enough.", said the grandfather.A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again the grandson replied, "NO!""Well you’re not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather.About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home.On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn’t win anything, The grandson scratched his Read more:Fishing
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