Owner: Funny Jokes & Amusing Stories URL:http://dyoks.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2007 09:00:35 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Funny Jokes & Amusing Stories is a collection of funny jokes and amusing stories of everyday life, where you can find English jokes, Tagalog jokes, funny pictures and animation and other funny stuffs. Site statistics:Click here
Bar Joke: Your Mama 2007-12-31 04:56:38 Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town." Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..." Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home, Dad - you're drunk!" :drinking:
Men's Dictionary 2007-12-28 09:23:36 1. I am hungry = I am hungry2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy3. I am tired = I am tired4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!5. I love you = Let’s have sex now6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you11. I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay Read more:Dictionary
Women's Dictionary 2007-12-28 09:22:27 1. Yes = No2. No = Yes3. Maybe = No4. We need = I want5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble7. Sure, go ahead = You better not8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!10. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Read more:Women
, Dictionary
Relationship Joke: Get Weighed 2007-12-27 07:58:33 John took his blind date to a carnival."What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale and it read 117 and she won a prize.Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed." she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next."I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate Laura, asked her about her blind date Read more:Relationship
Nationality Joke: Canadian Tourist 2007-12-26 03:55:30 Bob, a middle-aged Canadian
tourist, visits the red light district of Oklahoma City and enters a large brothel. It’s only his second time in Oklahoma. The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady over to entertain the prospective client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!Seeing this, the Madam sends over a more experienced lady over to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" and walks quickly away!The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do!Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn’t done already and absolutely Read more:Nationality
Bar Joke: David Jones 2007-12-25 16:56:06 (David
Jones is an exclusive Aussie Department store)This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender says, "Where´d you get the great shirt mate?"The man replies, "David Jones."This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and thebartender says "Where´d you get the great pants mate?"The man replies, " David Jones."This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and socks on. The bartender says, "Where´d you get the great shoes and socks mate?"The man replies, "David Jones."Then this 4th guy runs in stark naked and the bartender goes, "Hey! Wait a minute! Who the hell do you think you are, mate?"The naked guy sneers and says, "Who the hell do you think? - I´m David Jones!"
Animal Joke: The Snake and The Rabbit 2007-12-25 06:19:06 A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the r Read more:Animal
, Snake
, Rabbit
Animal Joke: The Chicken and the Road 2007-12-23 20:56:46 Why did the chicken cross the road?:CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told Read more:Animal
, Chicken
Device for Testing Aircraft Windshields 2008-03-31 06:34:10 It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they were developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck t Read more:Device
, Testing
Funny Signs in Places 2008-04-17 09:35:51 Advertised on the side of a city bus: "Thinking about committing suicide? Perhaps we can help."Written above the toilet roll dispenser in a male cubicle at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia was: "Arts Degrees - please take one."In downtown Pittsburgh, PA at Christmas time there was a sign on a big Catholic Church that said: "Closed for the Holidays".At a Pub in Australia: Sexual harassment will not be prosecuted. However, it will be graded. Sign on state detention center visible from traffic crawling along a Boston Interstate: "If you had broken the law, you'd already be home!" Sign in front of an auto junkyard on Malta: "We Have Japanese Body Parts!"In a pub toilet in Llanelli, west Wales: "Yesterday, the bottom fell out of my world, so I drank 8 pints of Felinfoel Ale and this mo Read more:Funny
, Places
Women are Complex Creatures 2008-04-20 00:08:17 - If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman- If you don't, you are not a man- If you praise her, she thinks you are lying- If you don't, you are good for nothing- If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp- If you don't, you are not understanding- If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring- If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing- If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy- If you don't, you are a dull boy- If you are jealous, she says it's bad- If you don't, she thinks you do not love her- If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her- If you don't, she thinks you do not like her- If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait- If she is late, she says that's a girl's way- If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"- If sh Read more:Women
, Complex
Learn Chinese for Free 2008-04-24 04:24:05 - Are you harboring a fugitive? = Hu Yu Hai Ding?- See me A.S.A.P. = Kum Hia Nao- Stupid = ManDum Gai- Small Horse = Tai Ni Po Ni- Your price is too high! = No Bai Dam Ting!!- Did you go to the beach? = Wai Yu So Tan?- I bumped into a coffee table = Ai Bang Mai Ni- I think you need a facelift = Chin Tu Fat- It's very dark in here = Wai So Dim?- Has your flight been delayed? = Hao Long Wei Ting?- That was an unauthorized execution. = Lin Ching- I thought you were on a diet = Wai Yu Mun Ching?- This is a tow away zone = No Pah King- Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? = Wai Yu Sing Dum=20- You are not very bright = Yu So Dum- I got this for free = Ai No Pei- I am not guilty = Wai Hang Mi?- Please, stay a while longer. = Wai Go Nao?- Our meeting was scheduled for next week = Wai Yu Kum Read more:Chinese
Nudist Colony Photo 2008-04-30 18:30:22 A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....it makes your nose look too short!" Read more:Nudist
, Colony
, Photo
What all Men Needs 2008-05-04 17:43:44 A travelling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises."I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he had ever received in his life.Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read: 'Manicures - 25 cents.'"Why not!" the salesman said to himself. He paid the Read more:Needs
79 Ways to make Passionate Love 2008-05-09 17:49:34 A man from Bangladesh named Futh was bragging that in his country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.A gent form Florida listened incredulously. "Why that's amazing. Where I come from there's only one way.""Just one?", Futh asked. "And which way is that?""Well," the Florida gent began, "there's a man and there's a woman--""Praise Allah!!", exclaims Futh, "Number 80!"
Oriental Massage 2008-05-15 07:02:57 Mike was on a business trip and was staying in this fancy hotel. When he went up to his room there was a sign near the bed that said "Try our OrientalMassage
".So he rang down to the reception and told the clerk that he'd wanted to try one of the massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady came up and started giving him a massage.He was on his stomach and got pretty horny resulting in a h
Is Sex Work or Play? 2008-05-27 18:00:33 A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"He goes to minister... a married man, experienced for the a
Strip Club Enthusiasm 2008-05-30 20:56:01 A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!" The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatc Read more:Strip
, Enthusiasm
To My Dearest Wife 2008-06-02 21:03:01 During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:1) We will wake the kids - 54 times2) It's too late - 15 times3) I'm too tired - 42 times4) It's too early - 12 times5) It's too hot - 18 times6) Pretending to be asleep - 31 times7) The neighbors
Fat Man at the Health Club 2008-06-06 12:58:45 A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club. A second man said, "Gee, you're fat!" The fat man said, "Yeah."The second man asked, "How long's it been since you've seen your dick?"The fat man answered, "Long time."The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?"The fat man asks, "Why? What color is it now?" Read more:Health
Circus Trainer 2008-06-09 00:10:01 Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper.Only two applicants showed up: a male called Futh and a female called Chums. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.At first glance it appeared that Chums was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, wit Read more:Circus
, Trainer
Pussy and Bitch 2008-06-13 17:40:39 A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand.She asks him what they are. He says "well, pussy and bitch".She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop Read more:Bitch
Pussycats 2008-06-21 07:38:32 Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers."Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?" "Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?" The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he saidpolitely before returning to his reading. Undaunted,
Airport Security 2008-08-01 14:30:26 Airport Security : What's your Name?Passenger : Batman!!Airport Security : Your real name please?Passenger : My name is Bat-Man!Airport Security : Are you trying to be funny ? What is your family name?Passenger : Superman!Airport Security handcuffs him & puts him into a locked security room. Then they checked his Passport... Read more:Airport Security
Buying a Farm Proposal 2008-07-30 06:13:34 A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road."The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone.The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung Read more:Buying
, Proposal
Big Lips 2008-08-07 20:10:11 A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not t
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