Owner: Funny Jokes & Amusing Stories URL:http://dyoks.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2007 09:00:35 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Funny Jokes & Amusing Stories is a collection of funny jokes and amusing stories of everyday life, where you can find English jokes, Tagalog jokes, funny pictures and animation and other funny stuffs. Site statistics:Click here
Random Joke: Rules of the Road 2007-12-16 07:29:00 - The female passenger will have to pee every 50 miles, no matter how fast you drive.- The millisecond you throw a beer bottle from your car, a state trooper will appear.- The exact change toll lane moves slower than the lane that has to make change.- The minute you pass a "Last exit for 50 miles" sign, someone will have to pee.- If you approach an empty intersection at 3:00 AM, the light will turn red and stick for two or three cycles.- The minute you decide to run the red light at 3:00 AM, a state trooper will appear.- Car trouble never happens until you have an important meeting, are already running late, or are at least 100 miles from any type of help. Read more:Random
, Rules
Family Joke: Limousine Parking 2007-12-15 18:49:00 There was a little girl in the shower with her mummy. The little girl asked, "Whats that mummy"? The mum replied, "thats a garage never let a limousine park in there. There was a little boy in the shower with his daddy. The boy asked, "Whats that daddy"? He replied, "Thats a limo you can park them in a garage. The next day the little boy and girl were hanging out and the parents ran to the bathroom for hearing a scream and there was blood in the tub and the girl said, "Mummy he tried to park his limo in my garage so i ripped off his wheels." Read more:Parking
, Family
Animal Joke: Never Talk to the Parrot 2007-12-15 16:32:00 Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!" Read more:Animal
, Parrot
Pinoy Joke: Ganito Magbigay nng Masamang Balita 2007-12-14 15:41:00 Kumirirng ang telepono nang madaling araw…"Hello Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, yung katiwala nyo sa bakasyunan nyo.""O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala, Ano't napatawag ka? May problema ba?"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga nyong parrot.""Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? Yung nanalo sa bird show?""Opo Master Carlos, yun na nga po.""Putris…sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong yon. Hay, buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay nya?""E kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne…""Bulok na karne? At sino naming salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng bulok na karne?""Wala po, nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo.""Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr. Arnaldo?""E, yun pong mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir, namatay po kasi sila lahat sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig.""Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anonng kariton ng tubbbiiiiigggg?""Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog.""Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman yang pinagsasabi mo?"Yun pong Read more:Pinoy
Random Joke: On The Roof 2007-12-14 08:56:00 Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked "How's my cat?". Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died. "What?! You shouldn't have broke the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me he was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get him down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died," explained Lenny. Bobby apologized and went about his day. About a week later, Lenny called again and asked "How's my Granny?". There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. "Well, she's on the roof." Read more:Random
Amusing Stories: Man Who Had Sex with Bike 2007-12-13 14:44:00 A man named Robert Stewart, who have been caught having sex with his bike, has been placed on the sex offenders' register. He admitted to sexual breach of the peace in Ayr Sheriff Court, where depute fiscal Gail Davidson described how he had been found by the hostel workers.Two cleaners discovered him on the act in his room at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland, in October last year.She said: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply."They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down."The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."Source: Telegraph.co.uk via The XO Directory Read more:Stories
Bar Joke: David Jones 2007-12-25 16:55:00 (David
Jones is an exclusive Aussie Department store)This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender says, "Where´d you get the great shirt mate?"The man replies, "David Jones."This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and thebartender says "Where´d you get the great pants mate?"The man replies, " David Jones."This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and socks on. The bartender says, "Where´d you get the great shoes and socks mate?"The man replies, "David Jones."Then this 4th guy runs in stark naked and the bartender goes, "Hey! Wait a minute! Who the hell do you think you are, mate?"The naked guy sneers and says, "Who the hell do you think? - I´m David Jones!"
Animal Joke: The Snake and The Rabbit 2007-12-25 06:16:00 A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he Read more:Rabbit
, Animal
, Snake
Animal Joke: The Chicken and the Road 2007-12-23 20:54:00 Why did the chicken cross the road?:CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chi Read more:Chicken
, Animal
Drunk Joke: In a Bar 2007-12-23 02:36:00 One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy,- "Hey you look just like me!"The other man agrees and asks,- "Where are you from?"The first guy answers,- "Chicago."- "Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?"- "Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy.- "Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. "What's your address?"- "951"- "Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?"- "John and Cathy," says the first guy.- "Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we're related!?"Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new."No," says the first bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again."
Medical Joke: Mixed Up Test Results 2007-12-22 23:11:00 Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples fromanother Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other was positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop yourwife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her." Read more:Mixed
, Test Results
Profession Joke: The Engineer and the Programmer 2007-12-22 08:52:00 A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!" This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn Read more:Programmer
Turn Around 2008-02-29 16:50:49 A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball. Turner Brown" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball. And my name is Turner Brown."The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said 'Turn around.'" Read more:Turn Around
More Funny Jokes at Free Funny Jokes Collections 2008-02-17 02:25:14 For those of you who wanna overload yourself with funny jokes check out the free funny jokes collections. It's got hundred of funny jokes collection in many different jokes categories and more to come in the future.Check it out here. Read more:Funny
, Jokes
9 Facts About Man and Woman 2008-02-15 07:18:06 1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 8
Explain Further 2008-02-03 01:51:36 There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I’ll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids." Read more:Further
Two Nuns: Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical 2008-01-31 08:42:47 There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical
(SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical
(SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us bo
Tenjewberrymuds 2008-01-29 06:14:31 You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."RS: "Ow July den?"G: "What??"RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"G: "Crisp will be fine."RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"G: "What?"RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"G: "I don't think so."RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
Fork Please 2008-01-28 06:58:36 A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." the chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." the chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork." the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-- the stomach, the sides, the chest Read more:Fork
, Please
An Arab in the USA 2008-01-27 03:16:09 Achmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East. He was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said"Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."Achmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.Coming back to the doctor he said- "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"The doctor said- "You were homesick."
Ten Blonde Science Fair Projects 2008-01-24 09:28:40 1) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?2) Is lighter fluid flammable?3) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?4) Are knives sharp?5) Can sharks hurt a human?6) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?7) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?8) Can I eat broken glass and live?9) Can dogs talk?10) Are blondes really dumb? Read more:Blonde
, Science
, Projects
Nudist Colony 2008-01-14 16:31:25 A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6 foot blond walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.Blond: "Sir, did you call for me?"New Man: "No, I just got here." Blond: "You must be new here, it's a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me."The blond lays down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him.Huge Man: "Sir, did you call for me?"New Man: "No, I just got here."Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, it implies you called for me."The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist...New Man: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500."Receptionist: "But Sir, you only saw 1% of our Read more:Nudist
, Colony
Have you Ever Wonder Why? 2008-01-12 09:02:06 ...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? ...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? ...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? ...why "abbreviated" is such a long word? ...why doctors call what they do "practice"? ...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows? ...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? ...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? ...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? ...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor? ...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? ...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? ...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ? ...why shee
A Moral Story 2008-01-10 05:13:09 I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon Iwas to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome Read more:Moral
Woman's Life Cycle 2008-01-07 17:37:35 What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78? At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you??? Read more:Cycle
, Life Cycle
Things we know because of TV 2008-01-04 16:58:13 - If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade...at any time of the year.- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.- The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a pretty nurse cleans his wounds.- When paying for a taxi, never look at your m
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women 2008-01-02 16:52:49 ...and what they actually mean.10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's). 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better Read more:Lines
, Given
, Women
Erap Jokes: Motto 2008-01-01 04:51:36 For the Army : "No pain, no gain."For the Air Force : "No guts, no glory."For the Marines : "No fight, no surrender."For the Abu Sayaf's : "No ransom, no release."For Erap : "No read, no write." Read more:Jokes
, Motto
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