Owner: Funny Jokes & Amusing Stories URL:http://dyoks.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2007 09:00:35 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Funny Jokes & Amusing Stories is a collection of funny jokes and amusing stories of everyday life, where you can find English jokes, Tagalog jokes, funny pictures and animation and other funny stuffs. Site statistics:Click here
Elderly Joke: McDonalds 2007-12-07 16:24:00 A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes l Read more:McDonalds
Woman Joke: Tears of Joy 2007-12-07 16:14:00 Daddy: Why are you crying, my dear?Daughter: Because I passed the test. Huhuhu!Daddy: Oh, that must be tears of joy. What subject?Daughter: Pregnancy test! Read more:Tears
Marriage Joke: Doggie Style 2007-12-06 22:29:00 Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" . "Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead." Read more:Style
, Doggie
Celebrity Joke: Dumbest People in Hollywood 2007-12-06 22:28:00 The New York Daily News has released its "50 Dumbest People in Hollywood
" list with Lindsay Lohan topping the list.Paris Hilton would have been on the list but she totally messed-up her application.- Alex Kaseberg Read more:Celebrity
Woman Joke: Hold My Monkey 2007-12-05 17:02:00 A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong."The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.""You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.""That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Family Joke: You have got a Male 2007-12-05 06:41:00 A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:"You have got a Male." Read more:Family
Marriage Joke: Monster Fart 2007-12-05 03:14:00 Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She’ll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he "putt-putted". He "putted", down one hill and "putted up" the next. By the time he arrived hom Read more:Monster
Woman Joke: I'm A Wife 2007-12-04 22:40:00 Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional." The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids." They then asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Pinoy Joke: Isang Tanong, Isang Sagot 2007-12-21 17:57:00 1) Keyboard ka ba? Type kita e.2) Ice ka ba? Crush kita, okay lang?3) Para kang SM, you've got it all!4) Para kang plema! Di ka kasi maalis sa dibdib ko!5) May MMDA ba rito? Kasi nagkabanggaan puso natin!6) Pwede ba kita maging sidecar? Single kasi ako eh…7) Uy malala na yung sakit ko sa puso, dalawa na lang options ko para gumaling, either ICU or U C me!8 ) Are you a PS game? Because i hope you're not TEKKEN!9) Alien ka ba? Kasi you're out of this world!10) Yosi vendor ka ba? Kasi you give me HOPE and MORE! Read more:Pinoy
Random Joke: Ferrari Formula One Team 2007-12-21 03:15:00 The Ferrari
formula one team recently fired their whole pit team to employ a few young hoodlums. This sudden reaction was due to a documentary about how some young street punks could take off a cars tires within 6 seconds, without the proper equipment.Ferrari soon realised their flaw.The young men did not only change the tires in 6 seconds but 12 seconds later the car was resprayed and sold to the MacClaren team! Read more:Random
, Formula
Marriage Joke: Sad Man 2007-12-20 06:34:00 A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?" The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." The bartender said, "That should make you happy." The man sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the month is up today!"
Medical Joke: No Milk 2007-12-20 02:21:00 A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?""Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman."Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says -"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't.""I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"
Random Joke: Cowboy and His Horse 2007-12-19 22:26:00 A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with Clint. The Ind Read more:Random
, Horse
, Cowboy
Sex Joke: Slippers 2007-12-19 17:02:00 A man was at his wealthy friends house when his friend asked him to go upstairs and get his slippers. The man agreed, and proceeded upstairs where he saw his friends two gorgeous 18 and 19 year old daughters having a pillow fight. The man told the two girls that their father had sent him upstairs to have sex with them. The girls replied that their father would never say such a thing. The man assured them that it was true, and to prove it he yelled down to their father "Both of Them?" Read more:Slippers
Blonde Joke: State Capitals 2007-12-19 09:17:00 There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes she'd hear at the office. So one evening she went home and memorized all of the state capitals.Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb Blonde
joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,- "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals!"One of the guys said,- "I don't believe you."She said,- "It's true. Just test me!"- "Okay. What is the capital of Alaska?" he ssked.- "A" she answered, smugly. Read more:State
Family Joke: Indian Names 2007-12-19 05:04:00 An Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we the people of the prairies always have long names, while the white men have shorter names, like Bill, Tex, Sam, or LeeLee ?"His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture--not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything-- we survive."For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake."Then there's your big brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people."It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Read more:Names
, Family
Work Joke: Meeting Rules for Managers 2007-12-18 22:24:00 1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for. Read more:Rules
, Managers
Computer Joke: Mouse Problems 2007-12-18 16:53:00 Secretary: "Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mouse."Pastor: "What?!?" (thinking: we've got mice in there!?)Secretary: "Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls."Pastor (incredulously...): "Th..th...they did what??? How in the world did they do that???"Secretary: "They must have used a screwdriver or something."Pastor: "We've got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn't even realize mice had balls...!"Secretary: "Yeah, they roll around on 'em all the time!"Pastor: "What???" (still thinking of the little fury real animals) "Well...what can we do?"Secretary: "I guess we'll have to put 'em back on..."Pastor: "WHAT?!?"Secretary: "Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same thing.....?!" Read more:Mouse
, Computer
Sex Joke: Sex Branding 2007-12-18 01:28:00 Sex is... like NOKIA (connecting people) like NIKE (just do it) like PEPSI (ask for more) like SAMSUNG (everyone is invited) and like ME (too good to be true)... Read more:Branding
Politics Joke: The Chicken and the Road 2007-12-17 22:12:00 Why did the chicken cross the road?:CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chi Read more:Chicken
Marriage Joke: Busted 2007-12-17 17:30:00 A woman is at home alone, when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"She slams the door in disgust.The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina".She slams the door again.Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with this".She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and Read more:Busted
Pinoy Joke: Pinoy Contractor 2007-12-17 06:05:00 Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and the third an American.They go with a White House official to examine the fence.The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does somemeasuring, then works some figures with a pencil."Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 formaterials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,"I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit forme."The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to theWhite House official and whispers: "$2,700."The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like theother guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do youexpect me to consider your service with that bid?""Easy," the Pinoy
explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hirethe guy from Mexico ".The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexic Read more:Contractor
Religion Joke: The Cab Driver and the Nun 2007-12-17 03:04:00 A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cabdriver won't stop staring at her.She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question toask you but I don't want to offend you."She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as oldas I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance tosee and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothingyou could say or ask that I would find offensive.""Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, youhave to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'mCatholic too!"The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nunfulfills his fantasy.But when they get back on the road, the cab driver startscrying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?""Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'mmarried and a I'm a Read more:Driver
, Religion
Lawyer Joke: Murder Trial 2007-12-16 22:24:00 A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty."But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had s Read more:Trial
, Lawyer
Marriage Joke: Everything Happens for a Reason 2007-12-16 16:22:00 Dear Wife:I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for itThese last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw.Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight to sleep after watching all your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want to have sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore.Whatever the case is, I am gone.Your EX - HusbandP.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!Dear Ex-Husband:Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It is true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good ma Read more:Everything
, Reason
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