Owner: Imaginary Binky URL:http://www.imaginarybinky.com Join Date: Fri, 30 Nov 2007 14:54:26 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: I'm a mom, a cynic, a sassy wife, and lots of other things. I write the first thoughts that spew from my head, so forgive me of my trespasses.
My blogs tend to focus on funny little moments shared with my husband The Stand-Up Comedian and our new Site statistics:Click here
Snapshot of a comedy club Christmas party 2007-12-03 23:04:00 Holy cow. I think I really understand why, in years past, I would see the parental types leaving early from the comedy club Christmas
party. It becomes a madhouse of drunks, kids running around screaming, and just mayhem everywhere.There was fun to be had, of course. We ran into many of our favorite people who you may or may not have heard of. I'll refrain from the name dropping, as it probably makes me seem like, well, a name dropper. Needless to say, talented and off-kilter people were there.Here are some of the frightening and entertaining moments from our evening:Said about a million times by everyone: "IT'S THE BABY!!!"Said by just about everyone: "Is this Phil Porter's baby? So you're Phil Porter's wife?"Said by many: "Hello, Phil's Porter's wife. IT'S THE BABY!!"And so on.There were a couple of insane little girls at the party, just running amok. They would zero in on me whenever I was trying to do something with Amos. I tried to change his diaper, and they w
Oh, give me a home... 2007-12-03 15:55:00 Oh, give me a home... where the incredibly old roam. Where the baby and a cranky cat play.Phil and I are feeling the effects of old age. Yesterday, we walked to a house-warming party which, according to Mapquest, is only 1.26 miles from our dwelling. There were several things that caused us distress, for which we are paying for dearly today.Picture, if you will, two parents. Phil had Amos strapped to his chest and bundled up as much as one baby can be bundled. I was carrying the diaper bag containing enough diapers and baby supplies to survive a nuclear holocaust.We talked a neighbor into walking with us. Mari Beth has incredibly long legs that can cross one city block with two strides. I am not of long leg. I am Lothar, of the short people. Top that with Mari Beth's need to power walk, and I suffered mightily as we tried to keep up with her. We tried to explain that we are a bit slower than a marathoner because we were toting Amos. It didn't sink in with her until I yelle
Memes of days gone by 2007-12-01 16:16:00 I'm going through old bloggies that I posted in the last two years, give or take, on my Myspace blog. When I find something that amuses me, I will post it again here for you. This is a meme I did back in September that I find mildly amusing. Enjoy.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++I'm doing this because Lotus told me to do it. And when one is instructed to do something by Lotus, by God, you do it.This is a collection of 10 random, cruel and/or unusual facts about me. I'm sure all of you could write 10,000 more unusual facts about me after reading my nonsense.I'm supposed to tag 10 people to do this as well after I have completed it. Unfortunately, Lotus stole many of the people I would have tagged, because those are the people I know would have done it. So, I am forced to force 10 other people to complete this, despite the fact that I know they will not want to do it. I lack the energy to pick 10 people, so pick yourself if you find this interesting. By the power Read more:Memes
Lookie here 2007-11-30 13:43:00 Just wanted to throw a shout out to my homie Lotus. She is giving away some fantastic shirts on her blog that perhaps a weary soul would like to win. Also, you can go over and ogle her beautiful rack as she models the shirt for you.I can't stop going over to ogle her cans, so I might as well share them with you.
Love in the time of badgering 2007-11-29 14:33:00 Hey, kids. I'm going to try turn my frown upside down and just focus on the things that make me happy. However, I just can't do that today. Maybe tomorrow will be partly sunny and cheery. Whenever I try to type something in this ding dang blog box, it becomes a pity party, table for one. I hear you playing your tiny violins.So, how about YOU tell me what great things happened to you over Thanksgiving, eh? Tell me your lovely tales of turkey and gravy. I need some cheer.Also, I have failed to qualify for the NaBloPoMo $5 gift certificate to Chuckie Cheese and 10% off at Jerry's World of Mattresses. If only I had blogged every day!
A mile high never felt so good 2007-11-29 00:30:00 Home. Sweet, sweet home. Crosslegged on the couch, typity typing away while a crappy band plays on an old Jay Leno show. Wilbur the Cat can't contain her joy over finally seeing us again, and Amos is sucking down nutrition after his long day of traveling.Did I mention how great it is to be home?Amos is the best travelin' hobo ever. People on the plane barely knew he was on board. He was the only baby on the flight, and even though we had some stares of disdain from a few jerks on the plane, Amos proved to be the best traveler. At least he didn't snore loudly with his mouth open like the shuck n' jive business man sitting next to us. Nope. My son has better manners than that. Sure, he'll lean over to stare at you between the seats if you are sitting behind us, but who wouldn't be enchanted by a grinning baby peeping through the seats?Phil had to nudge the guy next to us a few times to get him to stop snoring, and I'll admit that I flopped heavily in our seats to make him
In the dumpster 2007-11-26 21:06:00 So. Uh. I suck.I'm my time of spending 10 minutes here, 10 minutes there on borrowed computers, I complained without really reflecting on the good. When you become a mother and you grew up with a horrible mother, it is difficult to take any words of ANYTHING from someone who accomplished motherhood in a good way. I'm the worst at taking any advice. This didn't come off well, and I basically suck.So, life is not so bad, folks. It isn't. That's all I can say. Very sorry for the way I've misrepresented things.
Sometimes they breed 2007-11-25 20:48:00 Hey! What? Another blog today? What is this?!Yes, dear people of the cyber world, I have decided to have TWO blogs today because I love you that much. After all, the previous blog is all about how I had to run from Zebulon as I attempted to send you messages of desperation. This blog is full of hope and promise and cheese and roses.What a whirlwind of crazy Pennsylvania good old-fashioned homespun times we've had! Friday was spent in the home of my bro-in-law, who has more KISS memorabilia than you can ever imagine. He is the Willy Wonka of KISS things. It's mind-boggling and pretty darn cool to write a blog while staring at a full-sized Gene Simmons in full makeup and silver boots. What do you look at while typing your blog? Huh?We posed the children for pictures, which blew Amos' mind as he was surrounded by kids and parents yelling CHEESE! He has been quite the lil' trooper as he meets his kinfolk.After leaving Matt's house, we managed to find a "state store" that sells all the Read more:Sometimes
Blaming it on the Amish 2007-11-25 20:35:00 Okay. I know. I come to you with hat in hand, asking for mercy. I missed my blog yesterday. But, do you know how hard it is to rig up an Internet connection in an Amish
barn that only has a rotary phone? I'm not McGyver, you know.Today, I am in the lovely hamlet (township? village?) of Perkasie, Pennsylvania. I had a blog in mind yesterday, which is basically this one that is complaining about being stuck in an Amish barn, desperately trying to get the Internet to dial up on a 50-year-old rotary phone (because sometimes the Amish will allow electricity in the barn but certainly NOT in the house), while being eyed up as a juicy "English" prize for a young buck named Zebulon... but I guess typing all of that in one long sentence pretty much gets the idea across. You're welcome.I suppose if the NaBloPoMo powers-that-be want to disqualify me for being at the mercy of cheese and furniture makers yesterday, well, then so be it. However, please keep in mind that I did think of THIS Read more:Blaming
Fulfilling my duties 2007-11-23 18:31:00 In a room filled with KISS memorabilia (why do I want to say paraphenalia?), I am fulfilling my NaBloPoMo duties
of blogging every day of November. I write to you from a town named Pennsburg (I think) somewhere in the wilderness of Pennsylvania. My bro-in-law was kind enough to lend his computing device.Our trip was a whirlwind of waiting in airports, changing diapers, flying with the Russian Three Stooges, and whatnot. Amos barely slept a wink on the flight, so of course he was wired once we arrived at Phil's folks' house. Unfortunately, he cried like someone chopped his arm off once anyone other than his parents tried to hold him. I had to apologize, even if they understood. It's just that Amos isn't normally like that, you know? I guess this is the start of my lifelong duty of telling people, "Well, he likes to stare," or "Maybe he cries because he hates you." (haha.)Oh. I guess I should explain the Russian Three Stooges. There were three young fellas speaking very LOUD Russian Read more:Fulfilling
Thank 2007-11-22 03:26:00 Many thanks to you, my friends. I have a lot to be thankful for. Forgive me for this short post, as I am traveling today. We're excited to see family. Amos is taking his first airplane trip!Look for my next post to be sent via tin cans on a string. I'll be borrowing computing devices in the next centon.Happy holidays, folks. Read more:Thank
Month 5 2007-11-21 22:38:00 Dear Amos,Today, you are five-months-old. It's really hard to believe that you have been here this long, yet sometimes it feels like you have been in our charge for years. I think I've known your smile as long as I can remember my own, or maybe I've lost so much memory from lack of sleep that I barely remember my own life.You've made HUGE strides this past month! Instead of sitting calmly for your bath, now you splash like a madman. I come away from your bath completely soaked. Your father and I tend to wrestle over who gets to give you the "spa treatment" after your bath - a baby massage with chamomile hydrosol and organic lotion. You kick and smile and coo during your spa time. Your happiness makes us love you more and more, as if there could actually be room for more love in our hearts. Your personality is showing more every day. You need to learn a bit about cause and effect, as you talk and complain to your binky because it is in your hand instead of your mouth. If y Read more:Month
Colors, colors... I am a nightmare walking, psychopath talking... 2007-11-20 20:23:00 Yeah. I just quoted the rap song "Colors" from the movie Colors starring Sean Penn. Wanna make something of it?!Instead of talking about gang signs (which, by the way, is one of the google keywords that leads people to my blog, of all things), I'm going to talk tough about follicles. Curly follicles. Follicles that sometimes cooperate, sometimes not.I've been in a hair situation for some time now. For a few years, I dyed my hair various tones of red with henna. It was beautiful to behold, my shiny red head.However, while I was pregnant, I didn't want to deal with the goop of henna anymore. I wanted my old head back. Something a bit more like this, but without the angry stare.Maybe this one is a little less frightening to behold?So, I've resorted to using home hair dye kits. It works out very nicely in the end, but the effort to do it feels like I am polluting our house and killing all living things within a two mile radius.Today, it was about 34 degrees outside. This mean
Would you write me? I'd write me so hard... 2007-11-19 21:31:00 This is a meme that Lotus got me involved in awhile ago. I am short on time and patience, so here you go. I tag whoever wants to do it, because I am lazy.I'm supposed to get my freak on with ten literary characters. To point a finger and laugh at the people who have participated in this love-in, please see this and this here situation, and perhaps this thingy right here.So, without further pomp and circumstance, here are ten literary characters I would like to get nasty with.1) The Gorilla. Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn.Somehow, the idea of a telepathic gorilla in a cage telling me all about the history of mankind while encouraging me to save the world is entirely hot. Takers and leavers, indeed.And, I hear that beastiality is making a big comeback.2) Dean Moriarty. On the Road, by Jack Kerouac. Anyone who says the following is someone I would very much like to have gazing upon my dirty pillows:"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, ma
I suck you 2007-11-18 22:44:00 The Porter Three went shopping yesterday for the lil' man. We traveled to baby consignment shops to find clothing that Amos will wear for approximately two days until he grows out of the britches. It's shocking how fast little kids grow. One day, Amos is wearing pants that fit him and reach past his ankles. The next day, the pants have become capris. Or, as my friend Judy called them, manpris. Amos is so smashing in his manpris.The most surprising thing to come out of our shopping experience: Phil went nuts over finding clothes for Amos. It is like Amos is Phil's little doll so that he can play dress-up. Someone should have given Phil a doll to play with when he was a boy of yay-high. I giggled and giggled as Phil would find a little outfit for Amos and then coo over "how cute" it is. Egad, people. I married a teenage girl.I admit that I find dressing Amos to be equally endearing. Quite often, both of us will hover over his crib and declare him to be the most adorable
Sauced up and sassy 2007-11-17 18:59:00 Woo! This will be a short one, as I'm about to head out for my very first ladies' night out since, well... forever it seems! Me n' m'lady Judy are going to watch wacky improv and do whatever else the heck we want. I guarantee there will be booze, sass, and perhaps a cackle and a gaggle o' chuckles. Viva la ladies' night!What to wear... what to wear...Gotta make myself purty...Oh, and thanks for all of the comments on yesterday's epic-long meme blog. You kids rock.
Stow and go 2007-11-15 19:14:00 Phil and I will soon need to transport our infant on an airplane across the country. This stresses me a bit. It's stressful enough to arrange one's person and belongings through the juggernaut of check-in, body cavity search(es), and loss of feeling in one's legs after hours of being in cramped quarters. The idea of putting Amos through the same is making me a little queasy.So, the question is, do we check him or do we put Amos in the overhead bin? Should we stuff him under the seat in a hard-sided carrier or a soft-side?Seriously though, does anyone have advice about traveling with a 4-month-old? He's a great traveler and has an excellent disposition, so I'm not worried about that. I think I worry about situations such as sick passengers spraying their sputum on my child, ears popping, keeping other passengers from glaring at me because I'm quite evil for bringing a baby on board, whether we should present his birth certificate, and so on.We'll be checking his car seat, s
Most inappropriate 2007-11-14 17:40:00 I was challenged today by Jon Deal to write a post about a time when I said or did something very inappropriate. This is indeed a challenge, my friends. Not because I am low in examples, but because I am notorious for doing such things. However, lucky for all of us, I was able to narrow it down to one incident many years ago...Phil and I are great friends with a comedian fellow who lives nearby, and we were starting to get to know his lovely wife. We were staying home for Christmas and had no one nearby to share our festivities, so we invited Comedian and Wife to our home for Christmas dinner.Now, up to that point, we enjoyed a very silly, jokey relationship with Comedian. He was known in our circle as a practical joker, and I was known to throw a great deal of sass his way whenever we would interact. Comedian is also very generous with his time and volunteers to help out his friends whenever they need it. For instance, in October of that year, Comedian showed up to help me at a
Germ warfare 2007-11-13 13:44:00 Dear Thingy on My Lower Lip,Hello. I suppose we should start with a proper introduction. I am the person you have decided to invade. Your home, where my chin skin meets my lower lip skin, belongs to me. I am, in a sense, your landlord.You started as a wee, hard lump, barely detectable by any means other than by feel. I suspected that you were a clogged pore. Then I began to notice you more, like a young girl who suddenly has blossomed. It wasn't that you had grown or become more of a nuisance, it was just that I knew that you were there. Therefore, I had to pick at you.It started two days ago, this insatiable need to touch you. I suspect it is somewhat like the comfort Phil feels when he strokes his beard. He says it helps him to think. Thingy, for a day or so, you helped me think. I couldn't stop touching you, though, so I must have done a great deal of pondering. After absentmindedly poking and rolling you between my fingers, a new thought emerged.You annoy me, Thingy
I'm walkin', yes indeed... 2007-11-12 14:01:00 I had a few requests for pics of the lil' man attempting to use his Walking Wings. They were sent to me by the lovely Lotus and are guaranteed to save my poor back when Amos really is ready to get a move on. I realize that Amos is a bit young for the wings o' walking, but he loves to be bounced and moved around at his ripe old age of 4 months. I have an occasional bad back situation, and the thought of being hunched over while letting Amos hold my fingers and stumble around is just frightening. Ha. So, I present to you the alternative:(Apologies for showing Phil's feet over and over - not that they're awful feet, but uh, you know, they're feet.)Amos and Daddy try out the Walking Wings. Steady... steady...Amos demonstrates "the sway" and "lean back" maneuvers so popular with the rappers.Amos doesn't walk so much as just lean and then pull us forward so that we must bounce him to his destination."Please, Daddy. Be a sport and bounce me over yonder to the cat. She has fur I
Actual conversations, Part Two 2007-11-11 02:02:00 "Hard to believe that Jon Bon Jovi has only screwed someone named Dorothea all these years.""Are you sure?""Well, let's consult Metal Sludge."Moments later..."Says here, 'Back in the day Jon was a huge slut but he's chilled out a little. Jon has an average size cock and like a lot of guys prefers to receive oral than give it. He has good rhythm though and will even wear 2 condoms if you ask him to.'""That's bullshit.""What do you mean?""Everyone knows that if you wear two condoms that friction works against you, and they are more likely to break.""What?""You heard me.""Um. No. Where did you get this fact?""On the street.""Which street and what decade?""I don't know. It's just a fact.""Before you knew me?""It's just a fact. It's physics. Ask Stephen Hawking.""Um. Okay."In Stephen Hawking computer voice: "It is a fact that two condoms create enough friction to break the condoms.""Well, then." Read more:Part Two
Can't. Talk. Too. Emotional. 2007-11-10 23:55:00 Okay. Deep breath. Everyone warned me about this. Really, they did. Actually, they told me to do it while I was pregnant, but I didn't listen. I'm glad I didn't. If I had, my head would have exploded.What the hell am I talking about?!We just watched Knocked Up.Oh. My. God.I'm a friggin' mess. If I was ever an easy lay, this is the night. I just want Phil to look at Amos with that loving father look, put Amos to bed, and then do things to me.Naughty things.That movie will be the death of me.Have you SEEN it? HAVE YOU?! I can't imagine how any woman who has been been pregnant, wants to be pregnant, is pregnant, or uh... whatever... could possibly get through this movie without laughing insanely and then crying like she's lost her marbles. I just can't. Also, I challenge that woman to do it after drinking a glass or two (or three) of delicious wine.Okay. I'm starting to gain composure. I need to go. Phil needs to get, um, "fatherly." Read more:Emotional
Ain't nobody here but us chickens 2007-11-09 19:04:00 Tonight, it's just us chickens. Phil has run away to Nebraska with a tall black man. I knew he'd leave someday, but leave me for a tall black man and the plains of Nebraska? I'm not sure anyone could have predicted that.Truthfully, Phil is doing his comedy stuff with the always entertaining J Marc, who may or may not be the father of my child. I'll never tell (click on the lil' speaker thingy). They are destined to entertain the Velcro-loving masses of Lexington, Nebraska. Why do they love Velcro so much? Because it was invented there. They even have a museum(*) dedicated to Velcro. Do you understand now why I am so disappointed that I didn't go on this trip? I could have toured a museum dedicated to sticky things with Phil and my Baby Daddy.So, us being the only chickens around, Amos and I strutted about the hen house and then broke free of the pen and pecked around the neighborhood. He cooed at the ridiculous trees while I huffed and puffed with his body strapped to
Pygmy flash cards 2007-12-12 14:38:00 The previous blog referred to another blog that I wrote a long time ago (back in the dark ages). So, for reference and hilarity, here it is.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++July 14, 2006As is my way, whenever I come across something amusing, I like to share it with you. Today I received a SPAM from Flora Martinez. I didn't open it, although I was very tempted to do so. The title of Flora's e-mail: pygmy flash card Phil and I have been chuckling over this, discussing how much we would love to have a set of pygmy flash cards to help us identify and keep up with the various pygmy people. "Here. Who is this?" *holds up card of naked pygmy woman with saggy tits* "Uh. Juujumame. From the African tribe of BaBenzele?" "Correct!" Just another day in the Porter household...
The longest and funniest zombie discussion ever 2007-12-12 14:29:00 I'm reaching back into the archives again. Here is a crazy conversation that occurred Aug. 8, 2006 between my husband Phil Porter (comedian extraordinaire) and my goofy bosom chum, Amanda. Keep reading, as it just becomes one hilarious punchline after another. They are far too entertaining. They are, indeed, too sexy for IM.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Sarah: I'm going to take a shower. Here's Phil if you need him. Phil: Um, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable chatting with Amanda's corpse. Amanda: Oh, it's okay. Just ignore my tongue hanging out of the side of my mouth and the foam coming from it. Phil: Wait, are you the living dead? Phil: Because I'm not going to let you eat my brain. Amanda: The post-death flatulence stage has already passed, now I'm just convulsing. Amanda: I don't eat smart brains. I prey on stupid people from MySpace. Why do you think I'm seeking out my old high school classmates? Phil: I didn't realize zombies were so picky
Long and longer 2007-12-09 13:34:00 This is the first time I am participating in PhotoHunt because I couldn't resist the "long" theme. Lotus posted a pic of herself from high school, and ding dang!, if we didn't look similar with all that hair and such. I mainly just wanted to show one more reason why Lotus and I were apparently twins born in separate years. So, I give you my "long" hair pic when I was but a nubile 18-year-old with dreams of sugarplums dancing in my head. This was senior year, 1992, in a small town in Texas.Ah, to be young again (except without all the high school angst).
Foxy lady 2007-12-07 16:25:00 A TOTAL fox was in my backyard today! She was sleek and sassy and had all the right curves. I asked for her number, but she climbed the fence.Yeah. You heard me. A red fox is roaming my 'hood. I'm guessing female, although both males and vixens roam for food. (After typing that, I realize that all kinds of hair metal enthusiasts will now wander onto my blog via google searches for "Vixen.")We're a bit concerned. Okay. A LOT concerned. Foxes have been accused of mutilating cats around Denver, and when Phil spotted this fox in our yard, it was hanging out just below where my kitty Wilbur was perched. ACK! I don't know whether to believe the cat story or not, but this fox is getting too close for comfort. I've already had to deal with Manimal soiling my roof and perhaps himself. Must I now worry that my cat will have her innards strewn about the yard?We have decided to keep Wilbur inside until we are sure the foxy situation has disappeared. We are going to stop composti
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