Tickets
2007-11-20 01:50:00
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window."Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
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Batman
2007-11-20 01:48:00
I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his new girlfriend, Dorothy.While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. Dorothy said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation.I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a real place. She laughed and said "It is, too. It's where Batman
lives".I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was serious. I then tried to explain. "Batman does not exist. Why do you think there have been four of them: Bale, Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?"She looked me straight in the eye and said, "That's because he doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."
Life Changing Thoughts
2007-11-19 01:45:00
* Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.* If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos.....then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.* Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.* Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.* Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
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Disappointed salesman of Coca Cola
2007-11-18 12:54:00
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola
returns from his Middle Eastassignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I wasvery confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola isvirtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speakArabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters…First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand… totallyexhausted and panting.Desert manSecond, the man is drinking our Cola andThird, our man is now totally refreshed.Drinking Coca colaThen these posters were pasted all over the place""That should have worked," said the friend.The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I alsodidn't realize that Arabs read from right to left…"
Funny fruits (Fruit Art)
2007-11-18 08:09:00
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, Fruit
Some Halloween witch jokes
2007-11-18 07:53:00
Q: Why don't angry witches ride their brooms?A: They're afraid of flying off the handle!Q: What do witches put on their hair?A: Scare spray.Q: How does the witch know what time it is?A: She looks at her witch-watch.Q: What is a witch's favorite subject in school?A: Spelling!Q: What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?A: She witch-hiked!Q: What does a witch kid want for Christmas?A: A haunted dollhouse.Q: Why do witches wear name tags?A: So they would know which witch is which!Q: How do witches tell time?A: With a witch watch.Q: What do you call two witches living together?A: Broom-mates.Q: What does a witch ask for when she is in a hotel?A: Broom service.Q: What did one witch say to other when she asked for a lift?A: "There's always broom for one more."Q: When do witches cook their victims?A: On Fry Day.Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?A: A sand-witch.Q: What do you call a motorbike that belongs to a witch?A: A brrrooooommmm stick.Q: Who was the most famo
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Realizations
2007-11-18 07:40:00
Knitted statues
2007-11-18 06:58:00
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THIS PUTS THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE
2007-11-18 06:37:00
Before You Meet With God
2007-11-18 05:37:00
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!""I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," came the reply.
The Old Witness
2007-11-17 05:10:00
An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”“Yes,” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam, listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?”Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”
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Church Emmaus is shifted
2007-11-16 07:10:00
For parishioners of church Emmaus (Emmaus-Kirche), constructed 750 years ago and located in German village Hojersdorf (Heuersdorf), now it is necessary to search for other place for a pray. Building it will be powerful 660 tons entirely it is transported on a special platform in Born's nearby city (Borna) which is located in 12 km from the previous site. Such decision was accepted in connection with a coal deposit which is under a building of church. Presumable date of final crossing — on October, 31st. Cost of transportation will make about 3 million euro.
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Thoughts To Change You Outlook
2007-11-16 02:16:00
* A person who smiles in the face of adversity.....probably has a scapegoat. * Plagiarism saves time. * If at first you don't succeed, try management. * Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. * TEAMWORK.....means never having to take all the blame yourself. * Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. * INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
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, Outlook
Job Benefits
2007-11-16 02:15:00
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay. She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five year's salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums." "I can't help but ask why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied. The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."
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A wealthy lawyer
2007-11-16 02:13:00
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate."Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man."We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied."Oh, come along with me then.""But sir, I have a wife with two children!""Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man."But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered."Bring them as well!"They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
Funny Pictures
2007-11-25 06:12:00
To think they took a rocket to get there ... it would have been so much easier by rail!If you cross this line ... you will be sorry!OK girls, just follow me ... I won't let anything happen to youThat was the funniest joke I ever heard ...Look me in the eye & believe me when I say, I did not eat that mouse ...Who us? We've been in the bed of the truck the whole time ..Okay, now on three, say acorn ...
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, Pictures
Beautiful pictures
2007-11-25 05:58:00
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Planets Weirdest Animals
2007-11-25 02:39:00
Emperor TamarinThe Emperor Tamarin (Saguinus imperator) is a tamarin allegedly named for its similarity with the German emperor Wilhelm II. The name was first intended as a joke, but has become the official scientific name.This tamarin lives in the southwest Amazon Basin , in east Peru , north Bolivia and in the west Brazilian states of Acre and Amazonas.The fur of the Emperor Tamarin is predominantly grey colored, with yellowish speckles on its chest. The hands and feet are black and the tail is brown. Outstanding is its long, white mustache, which extends to both sides beyond the shoulders. The animal reaches a length of 24 to 26 cm, plus a 35 cm long tail. It weighs approximately 300 to 400 g.This primate inhabits tropical rain forests, living deep in the forest and also in open tree-covered areas. It is a diurnal animal, spending the majority of its days in the trees with quick, safe movements and broad jumps among the limbs.Sun BearThe Sun Bear (Helarctos malayanus) is a bear foun
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, Animals
Hiding an airplane factory
2007-11-24 09:01:00
During World War II the Army Corps of Engineers needed to hide the Lockheed Burbank Aircraft Plant to protect it from a Japanese air attack.They covered it with camouflage netting and trompe l'oeil to make it look like a rural subdivision from the air. BeforeAfter
Funny car parade.
2007-11-24 08:57:00
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Cool Computer cases
2007-11-24 08:50:00
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, cases
Illusion
2007-11-24 05:33:00
1) Are they Ships or pillars2) Audience or buildings3) Can you count the number of horses? should find seven4) How many people are there in the picture ?5.Impossible ring6.live carpet7.water fall or human fall???8.In the forest there are five hidden deers....... .Can you find all of them???????? ?9. How many pillers are there ,three or two ???????????10.DO YOU SEE FOUR PEOPLE?11.Who is the tallest?12.A face? ... Or, the word 'liar' ?13.NEXT:What do you see here?Do you see the word "LIFT"?Or, a bunch of black splotches ?15.NEXT? FIND THE FACES:16.THE LAST ONE:
Generation to Generation
2007-11-24 04:49:00
"Mummy, Mummy!" called Little Johnny one day. "Do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation?""Yes", said his mother. "What about it?""Well the last generation just dropped it."
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Creative ways to deal with telemarketers
2007-11-23 06:36:00
nswer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.- Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.- Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.- Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.- Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.- Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.- Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon,
Management Pot-Pourri! - Awesome One!!
2007-11-23 04:26:00
Click on the image to enlarge
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Could Noah build his ark today?
2007-11-22 01:36:00
If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?""Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems."First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building code
A Texas millionaire
2007-11-22 01:32:00
A Texas
millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired. A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you." "Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that the physician left. The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire. "Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"
Underwater Hotel under construction in Dubai
2007-11-21 07:04:00
Currently under construction in Dubai
, Hydropolis is the world's first underwater luxury hotel. It will include three elements: the land station, where guests will be welcomed, the connecting tunnel, which will transport people by train to the main area of the hotel, and the 220 suites within the submarine leisure complex. It is one of the largest contemporary construction projects in the world, covering an area of 260 hectares, about the size of London 's Hyde Park .This will be a hotel where those who do not dive - or do not even swim - can experience the tranquillity and inspiration of the underwater world.In order to enter this surreal space, visitors will begin at the land station. This 120m woven, semicircular cylinder will arch over a multi-storey building.The upper storeys of the land station house a variety of facilities, including a cosmetic surgical clinic, a marine biological research laboratory and conference facilities.The world of science fiction becoming reality.The
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How to deal with telemarketers
2007-11-21 01:31:00
- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. - If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." - If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. - Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. - Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhy
35 Years
2007-11-21 01:30:00
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
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