Owner: The CDP URL:http://www.thecdp.net Join Date: Tue, 06 Nov 2007 12:56:34 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: The funniest non-clown-porn blog on the internet! Live from Madison, WI since 2004. Site statistics:Click here
"Do You Know Who You Are?" 2008-03-07 00:01:00 So, here it is. The big secret. The reason that I've been downtrodden, ill, douchebaggy and unreasonable all week. I'm letting it spill because there's really nothing left to lose.I interviewed for a major promotional position at my office on Tuesday.This position has been weighing heavily on me for a couple of weeks now, turning me into an unfocused, emotional zombie around the house and causing the CDP to slightly dip in quality (either that, or I've fallen in love; the symptoms are about the same). What better way to shake off the funk than to completely air out my problems through the very public forum I've created for the sole purpose of leaving my actual problems behind?The advancement between what I do now for a living and what I will potentially be doing for a living is massive. So
Max Headroom, Captain Midnight & Vrillon. 2008-03-06 00:05:00 Today's theme is 'Broadcast Signal Intrusion.' Up top, you'll see the infamous 'Max Headroom Incident.'Here's 'Captain
Midnight,' one of my personal favorites.And finally, here's the bizarre 'Vrillon Transmission' from 1977.Enjoy, big things arrive tomorrow.
The Dream Master Of Cheeseburger Ceremonies. 2008-03-05 00:26:00 I'm smack in the middle of a terrible week, so I can't say that I have anything original for you today. However, please enjoy the above clip that I've mined from the YouTube vault; an advertisement for the Freddy Krueger 1-900 number. Watch it....if you dare!But hey, if being frightened isn't your thing, you can always kick it old-skool and give MC Hammer a ring. I'm sure he could use the company.After all of that chatting with MC Hammer and Freddy Krueger, it might be a good time to head on over to the Golden Arches for a late-night snack with our old friend, Mac Tonight.My YouTube Channel is awesome, and I plan on sharing more of these with you in the future when I'm too apathetic and emo to write new jokes. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.
Read more:Cheeseburger
, Master
, Dream
CDP Mix-Tape Exchange #2 Wrap Party. (Part 4) 2008-03-04 00:03:00 For the last couple weeks on the CDP, I've been extending my thanks to everyone who participated in the CDP Mix-Tape Exchange
#2; especially all those who took the time to send a personal mix out to yours truly. I'm currently in the process of listening to over 17 different mixes from CDP fans across the nation, and it's been quite fantastic. The theme of Exchange #2 was 'Love,' and you guys didn't fail to deliver.The last time we did this trade, I had enough time (and not enough submissions) to review each and every track of each and every mix. While I simply don't have the time to do that again, I still promised that I would spotlight (albeit briefly) everyone who sent a mix my way. Today, I shall continue said spotlighting, by pulling some mixes at random and giving them a run-down. I'l Read more:Party
Lost Monday - "The Constant." 2008-03-03 00:01:00 Season 4 - Episode 5: "The Constant
."Another Lost Monday
is upon us. We have much to discuss; I'm jumping the shark this week!A bizarre and meandering episode begets a bizarre meandering review, so I apologize in advance for this week's Lost Monday not staying incredibly true to form. Also, I'm more than a little hung over. There's no such thing as poor professionalism when you're writing for free.I, my friends, had a wonderful weekend. Madison hit 45 degrees on Sunday, allowing a lot of snow to melt and make way for a fresh batch early this week. We're making minimally positive progress into Spring, but it's just enough to keep me from deep-throating a shotgun. I'll take it as a small victory. I also quite enjoy the obliterated back roads and nine-foot deep sinkholes that accompany them a
CDP Pop Crunch Lost Review #2. 2008-02-28 07:19:00 Before you sit down with tonight's new episode of Lost, take a moment to reflect on the week that was, with another CDP-flavored edition of the Pop Crunch
Show. Longtime CDP fans will certainly be happy with some of the jokes I managed to slip in there this week.Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.(I know that Kevin Palmer was listed as Head Writer. It's okay.)
1989 CDP Evaluation. 2008-02-27 00:05:00 I found this First Grade teacher evaluation amongst a pile of papers my mother sent me late last year. You're going to want to click on the images to make them larger. It's worth it.The handwriting on the bottom reads: "The boys think he's really smart, but they're getting tired of his cockiness." She also takes the time to underline 'impulsive' and mention that I have an authority problem, along with the X's painting a picture of me that's nothing short of unstoppable evil.There's so much more. Keep reading.Again, she takes the time to mention that I'm 'passively' uncooperative, and circles some of the most life-scarring and potentially damaging adjectives a person can say about a child. 'Tics?' 'Bizarre?' Goddamn. I'm quite certain that they no longer use this evaluation form at Winnecon Read more:Evaluation
Lost Monday - "Eggtown." 2008-02-25 00:05:00 Season 4 - Episode 4: "Eggtown." After a week off, Lost Monday
makes its triumphant return to glory. We have much to discuss.Last weekend, I finally got around to watching The King Of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. It's a brilliantly engaging documentary that follows one common man's journey to set a world record score for the arcade game Donkey Kong, while trying to avoid some of the controversial roadblocks and petty nerds that attempt to protect their tyrannical leader and current record holder, Billy Mitchell. I thought it was fantastic (although slightly misleading), and it inspired me to look at some of the classic arcade games in my collection with more of a competitive spirit.In a move that can be described as both 'career damaging' and 'unbelievably retarded on all counts,' I have p
Everything Is Going To Be Okay. 2008-02-22 00:04:00 Hey, 2008 Ryan! Can you hear me?It's me; 1987 Ryan! How's it going, man?Look, I heard that you've been taking things kind of hard lately, so I thought I'd pay you a visit and see if I can't set you straight.I know this Winter has sucked. I know that your job isn't the most desired way to spend your day. I know that you have those moments where you just wish you could be so much more than you really are. Work a little harder. Be a little more creative. Be a better husband. Take better care of yourself.Some days are going to be harder than others. You may find that you're not living up to the projections you've assigned yourself. You may find yourself negatively affecting the lives of those you love the most due to sheer frustration. You may find yourself confused as to why you can't just ge Read more:Going
, Everything
CDP Mix-Tape Exchange #2 Wrap Party. (Part 3) 2008-02-21 00:33:00 For this entire week on the CDP, I'm extending my thanks to everyone who participated in the CDP Mix-Tape Exchange
#2; especially all those who took the time to send a personal mix out to yours truly. I'm currently in the process of listening to over 16 different mixes from CDP fans across the nation, and it's been quite fantastic. The theme of Exchange #2 was 'Love,' and you guys didn't fail to deliver.For those already wondering, Mix-Tape Exchange #3 will arrive in late May. Also, if you're still interested in sending a Love-Themed Mix my way, throw it in an envelope and send it to:theCDPPO Box 865Sun Prairie, WI53590Thank you in advance. Feel free to include any extra money or no-limit credit cards you might have lying around the house, too.The last time we did this trade, I had enough Read more:Party
Lost Wednesday - Pop Crunch Edition. 2008-02-20 09:12:00 Well, here you go. My first foray into 'Soup'-esque television writing. I'll get a lot better at this in the future, I promise. Time will tell if the fine folks at Pop Crunch
want more from me or not.Last Sunday, I was approached by Pointless Banter's Kevin Palmer to write a Pop Crunch Show script focusing on Lost. Kevin has been Head Writer on the show for awhile, and was a fan of Lost Monday, so was kind enough to lobby and get me in for a trial run. I had less than no time to get it written, so I was forced to scrap my typical Lost Monday this week to focus on it (that won't happen again, regardless of what happens).It turned out nice enough, but yeah, I'm capable of limitless awesome possibilities in this medium now that I know what to expect. So if you like to see the CDP make money a Read more:Edition
, Wednesday
CDP Mix-Tape Exchange #2 Wrap Party. (Part 2) 2008-02-19 00:06:00 For this entire week on the CDP, I'm extending my thanks to everyone who participated in the CDP Mix-Tape Exchange
#2; especially all those who took the time to send a personal mix out to yours truly. I'm currently in the process of listening to over 15 different mixes from CDP fans across the nation, and it's been quite fantastic. The theme of Exchange #2 was 'Love,' and you guys didn't fail to deliver.For those already wondering, Mix-Tape Exchange #3 will arrive in late May. Also, if you're still interested in sending a Love-Themed Mix my way, throw it in an envelope and send it to:theCDPPO Box 865Sun Prairie, WI53590Thank you in advance.The last time we did this trade, I had enough time (and not enough submissions) to review each and every track of each and every mix. While I simply don Read more:Party
CDP Mix-Tape Exchange #2 Wrap Party. (Part 1) 2008-02-18 00:09:00 I want to start today's post out by immediately mentioning the obvious: Where the hell is Lost Monday?Well, the truth is that I did write a Lost essay this week, just not in the typical capacity we've all grown used to. All I can really tell you right now is that I'm still writing Lost stuff, I just took a slight risk this week to see if there were ways I could expand the audience and get my Lost recaps to as large of an audience as possible. I promise that you'll get the full details as soon as I know exactly what's going on. Know that I only do things for the benefit of my writing, my blog and my fans, and I didn't simply go deadbeat on everyone for no reason. Good? Good.What's more important today is that for the entire week on the CDP, I'm extending my thanks to everyone who participat Read more:Party
, Exchange
Eat Me, Cake. 2008-02-15 22:53:00 A couple of weeks ago, I picked up Cake's 'B-Sides & Rarities' disk. Cake has been one of my favorite bands for over a decade now, and I wasn't about to let a collection of cover songs and throwaways slip my grasp, regardless of their previous mediocre album. One trip to Best Buy and $10 later, it was mine.When I got home, I began tearing the CD out of the plastic as the Missus began to prepare dinner directly behind me in the kitchen. As I opened the jewel case, I was instantly hit with an almost indescribably putrid stench. It was as if a tractor tire decided to have sex with a jar of grape jam while a rouge turd worked them both over with a blowtorch and fine oils. It was hellish.Not thinking for a second that this scent had wafted out of a compact disk case, I quickly turned around
Heart Is On The Floor; Why Don't You Step On It? 2008-02-14 00:04:00 I have four quick things for you this Valentine's Day. Please enjoy, and remember to think of me, if only for a second, when you're making sweet love tonight. I appreciate it.1. JT over at Spork Nation has compiled a handy list of Valentine's Day tips for the man on-the-go. It's not too late to make things special! Head over there and take notes!2. Have you seen Juno yet? Well, even if you haven't, you'll still get a kick out of the following clip, which features Arrested Development geniuses Jason Bateman & Michael Cera discussing the birds and the bees.3. Valentine's Day is also the perfect time for me to share with you one of my favorite 'newer' music videos. The band is The Killers, the song is 'Bones,' and it's notable for not only being an awesome tune about getting it on, but al Read more:Floor
, Heart
One Thousand, Four-Hundred & Sixty-Two Days. 2008-02-13 00:01:00 "Hey, you. This is my inaugural post to my brand new blog. It would be really nice of you to check back frequently for more updates and general banter. Feel free to then make an educated decision to continue to return here or not. Thanks."With that, my introduction to the Blogosphere began on February 12, 2004. Unemployed, depressed, underweight and longing for a creative outlet, I decided to hop aboard a fad that I thought was already on its way out of popular culture. I had just turned 22 and had graduated from college, was in the midst of planning a wedding, scrapping for cash and quite certain that every decision I made was a huge mistake, along with every other decision I had made since graduating from high school.Hey, what a perfect time to start a humor blog. I know; I'm just as sur Read more:Two Days
, One Thousand
, Sixty
, Hundred
, Thousand
Lost Monday - "Confirmed Dead." 2008-02-11 00:09:00 Season 4 - Episode 2: "Confirmed
Dead."Another Lost Monday
is upon us. We have much to discuss."Confirmed Dead" was an unassuming episode from a surface perspective, but considering the presumed sprawling and relentless layout of Season 4, it had serious integral implications in planting the developmental seeds of what is to be expected of the immediate future of the television series.Er...Can you tell that I've been working on resumes and job applications all week? I've found that the main trick with filling out job applications is to basically open a thesaurus to literally any page you want, and just start plugging those five-syllable words in, Mad Lib-style, with the intent to confuse your potential employer to the point of exhaustion. Once weakened and more than a little annoyed, you c
I Got Dumped By A Fictional Character. 2008-02-08 00:08:00 Just a quick reminder that all those participating in the CDP Nationwide Mix-Tape Trade should have their mixed mailed out by Monday, February 11. Make someone's Valentine's Day all the more awesome! Any questions, comments or concerns should be sent my way immediately.Let's move on.Friday Night Lights, despite its slightly outlandish and borderline-sellout second season, is still one of the best shows on network television (second only to Lost, if you axe me). This is one of those rare television shows about High School and small-town life that really resonates and feels genuine, and part of its success is the outstanding cast and semi-realistic character development.Recently completing a three-episode arc on the show was the character of Jean Binnel, played adobably perfect by breakout a Read more:Character
, Dumped
The CDP vs. PETA. 2008-02-06 00:03:00 You probably already know this about me, but I'm a vegetarian. I've been meatless for many years now, for a plethora of different reasons pertaining to moral values, health and the advocating of animal rights. I'm proud of the decision I made, and I personally believe it's the right one.The distinction I like to make, however, is that I'm not one of those vegetarians. I won't get in your face if you choose to eat meat, I won't preach if you choose to hunt, and I won't destroy your carnivorous arguments, regardless of how narrow your mindset happens to be. It's not in my nature, and furthermore, it doesn't win friends or convert people. I've known this for a long time now. Bitch to a meat-eater about eating meat, and they'll just want to eat more meat to shut you up. You'll probably deserve
Lost Monday - "The Beginning Of The End." 2008-02-04 00:08:00 Season 4 - Episode 1: "The Beginning Of The End." The first Lost Monday
of Season 4 is upon us. We have much to discuss."The Beginning Of The End," in my opinion, was as good of a season premiere as you can ask for. No need to jump into all sorts of insane action right away; better to re-establish the characters and previous story lines, introduce a few more mysteries and set the stage for the first half of Season 4. Believe me, things are going to get crazy very soon, so a 'welcome back' season premiere is fine by me. It allows us to seamlessly get back into the swing of things while simultaneously being shown the layout for the rest of the year. You can't ask for too much when it comes to the first episode of a season, and when it comes to Lost, they've already established themselves as
Twenty-Six Things That Suck About Turning 26. 2008-02-01 00:07:00 (Two black eyes and a broken nose in 1987. To this day, my nose is slightly crooked.)Today is my twenty-sixth birthday. In all of my life, I've never celebrated such a mundane, uneventful, apathetic and craptastic occasion. Nobody cares about 26; not even I care about 26.So, instead of singing the praises of not stepping in front of a cement mixer or drinking ammonia for another year, I decided to be honest with myself and determine exactly why the age of 26 is the worst yet for everyone that experiences it. You can take this as either words of wisdom, or the bitter ranting of someone who's at least 33% dead. Tally-ho!1. There's nothing left to look forward to concerning laws that pertain to age. When you turn 25, you can legally rent a car, but that's pretty much the end of it. All I have
I Wrote Five Different Things For You To Read. 2008-01-31 00:04:00 1. If you're someone familiar with Madison culture (or just like to rig ballots), it would be lovely for you to vote the CDP as 'Madison's Best Blog' for the 2008 Best Of Madison Awards. You'll have to vote for at least half (53) of the 106 categories, but make sure you list Ryan Zeinert and theCDP.net as Madison's Best Blogger! This is a very spur-of-the-moment, never-gunna-happen thing (the deadline is tomorrow), but who knows; we just might shock the city. Thanks in advance.2. An Open Message To The Creators Of Stride Gum:Listen. I enjoy your gum, but the whole concept is really starting to creep me out.I mean, I didn't initially buy into your 'ridiculously long-lasting' ad campaign, but after I received a few packs of your product in my Christmas stocking last month, I gave it a whirl.
The CDP's Lost Season 4 Preview. 2008-01-30 00:06:00 Season 4 beginsWhere Season 3 had left off;Baffled confusion.Welcome to the CDP's Lost Season 4 Preview
. We have much to discuss.You know, sometimes it seems like the cast, crew and production staff of Lost are genuinely cursed. They've fought through timeslot changes, accusations of not knowing where the storyline was going, on again-off again episodes and repeats, and now a writers strike that will cut Season 4 in half. They really should have just listened to the natives; don't take Hawaiian lava rocks back to the mainland with you! It's bad luck!Hardcore fans, however, tough through all that crap. We know that Season 4 is a new beginning for Lost. Season 1 was as groundbreaking as television gets. Season 2 was so overloaded with action and mythology that I couldn't believe it was on ma Read more:Season
CDP Nationwide Mix-Tape Exchange #2 Drawing. 2008-01-28 00:05:00 It's go time, kids!After extensive laboring, uploading e-mail addresses and building one of those spinny-wheels with the Bingo balls in them, I have come up with the 24 pairings for the CDP Nationwide
Mix-Tape Exchange
#2. Everyone that signed up has someone that they will create a mix-tape for, and in tune, they have someone who will make one for them.The pairings are as follows. The drawing was random; a co-worker picked a number, and I eliminated the names, 'MASH'-style. Because there were more guys than girls, there are a few situations where a married guy will be making a love-themed mix for another married guy. Don't fret, it's not going to turn you gay or anything, I promise. Here we go.1. The Missus will be making a mix for Bruce Dierbeck.2. Emily Mills will be making a mix for Blu
The CDP's Lost Season 3 Recap. 2008-01-25 00:05:00 Damn, are you ready like I'm ready? The greatest drama in television history is back, baby!The 4th season of Lost begins next Thursday, January 31 at 8pm Central. Eight of the 16 episodes will run back-to-back, with an indefinite break between the first and second halves of the season (due to the WGA strike). People will be shot with fiery things, flash-forwards will confuse even the most intelligent, and a Zombie Mr. Eko will return from the dead to eat everyone at some point. Next Wednesday, the CDP Lost Season
4 Preview will spoil you silly, but until then, let's take a look back at the season that was, with a little Lost Friday Season 3 Recap
. Enjoy the only thing on my site that I consider the 'best' of anything currently on the web; the funniest, most smart-ass and in-depth Lost rev
50 Random Things (Or, 'Let's Talk About Me!'). 2008-03-12 00:05:00 (Rocking the Coolest Drumset Ever in the early 1980's.)Thanks to Facebook, e-mail and generally annoying human beings, I'm constantly inundated with various surveys, questionnaires and tell-all quizzes designed to allow folks to talk about themselves at length, with little or no provokation. In my opinion, these surveys exist for lonely people to share information about themselves that nobody cared to know by actually asking them.Look, I'm a personal blogger. I write about myself every day. If you don't already know something about me, chances are that I don't plan on sharing it anytime soon. At the very least, I'm saving the jucier tales for my next book and charging $19.95. I'm a storyteller, businessman and purveyor of fine barbecue sauces, not some open-book attention whore.I completed Read more:Random
Lost Monday - "The Other Woman." 2008-03-10 00:02:00 Season 4 - Episode 6: "The Other Woman."Another Lost Monday
us upon us. We have much to discuss; it's good to be back.For obsessive CDP readers, you'll know that the last week or two has been an...off one for yours truly. External circumstances got the best of me, took a carnival-style Clown Hammer to my weenal area and left me for dead. I fought through that crap, however, and I'm ready to lay out my creative groundwork for the remainder of the year. It starts today; you picked a good time to show up.Wow, just throw a headset my way and I'd be Tony Robbins.I needed a re-birth this weekend to shake the frustrations of Winter off of me, so I did the next-best thing by drinking myself into oblivion and starting from scratch. Sometimes, all you need to make a fresh start is a bottle of Jameso
I'm Not Leaving You; You're Leaving Me! 2008-03-14 11:40:00 Here's a little CDP-flavored Pop Crunch to lead you into the weekend. Minty!Me and the Missus are headed north for a funeral today, returning Saturday night. Sound off in the comments section, play nice and enjoy your day.
Read more:Leaving
We Built This City On Centerfield. 2008-03-13 00:06:00 What was supposed to be a relaxing and carefree dinner at Chili's last night turned ugly when me and the Missus got into a heated argument.What was it about? Money? Children? The correct way to divide up an Awesome Blossom? Nope.It was about what the worst song of all-time is.This is an argument that me and the Missus revisit on a quarterly basis. I stand firm, but she continues to push me. Insults are hurled, words are exchanged and the drive home is painfully quiet.Determining what the worst song of all-time is needs a few parameters. It needs to be a popular song; preferably a song that was a Billboard #1 at one point or another. It can't be a cover song, nor can it be a novelty track.For me the choice is simple, and it's the same choice I've held tight to for the last 20 years:'We Buil Read more:Built
Lost Monday - "Ji Yeon." 2008-03-17 00:04:00 Season 4 - Episode 7: "Ji Yeon."Another Lost Monday
is upon us. We have much to discuss; this relationship is suffocating me!After a busy and relatively somber weekend, it feels good to be back home and settling into a rhythm. The NCAA tournament is shaping up to be one of the best in recent memory (and Florida/Illinois-free), there's only one more episode of Lost before a four-week hiatus allows us all to catch our breath, and I begin pre-production on my second book in 15 days.As I've stated before in interviews and the like, I have at least 25 brand-new essays that I already have begun outlining for the follow-up to the wildly successful cult classic, 65 Poor Life Decisions. My goal is to have it all wrapped up on my end (some funny jokes and a decent font selection, mostly) by the end
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