Owner: The CDP URL:http://www.thecdp.net Join Date: Tue, 06 Nov 2007 12:56:34 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: The funniest non-clown-porn blog on the internet! Live from Madison, WI since 2004. Site statistics:Click here
You Have No Idea What 'Having No Idea' Means. 2008-03-20 00:01:00 When I was an criminally underweight Freshman in high school, there was this girl that I spent a large amount of time with, we'll call her 'Margaret.' My friendship with Margaret was solid and rare; we cheated off of each others' tests, we exchanged idiotic notes throughout the school day and advised each other through short-term relationships, crushes and obsessions. It was a pretty decent and worthwhile arrangement; one of those situations where everyone naturally assumed that we were a couple, and we would just nod and play along, certain that our platonic agreement was cooler and stronger.Now that I'm older, I know for a fact that platonic relationships are impossible. You cannot be friends with someone of the opposite or desired gender without wanting to sleep with them in some capaci Read more:Having
, Means
It's Business Time. 2008-03-19 10:47:00 I'll have a new post up tomorrow.But today...today is Business
Time.
The Freedom Of Press Will Make You Tap Out. 2008-03-25 00:04:00 You know you've made it when the nutcases start bothering you for no good reason.Two years ago, I published 'The Worst Album Covers Of All Time,' a classic CDP pop culture piece and still one of the most popular humor essays I've ever written. In said hilarious essay, I spotlight an album by Level 14 Master Ninja, Reverend Mike Crain, titled 'Karatist Preacher' or 'God's Power,' depending on how you chose to read it.This particular album cover came in at #8 on the countdown; a fair showing considering the soul-crushing terror I experienced upon viewing the bulk of these records. The accompanying witty commentary for this cover was as follows:"Mike Crain is a triple threat. Not only is he a singer as well as a man of the cloth, he's also a black belt! That's more than I can claim, so I can' Read more:Freedom
, Press
Twenties On Top, Fifties On Bottom. 2008-03-24 00:18:00 ("Looking for Lost Monday? Well, suck it!")Due to Easter and other extenuating circumstances, this week's Lost Monday will arrive...never. I have a book to start writing, I'm looking at houses with my real estate agent damn near every night and I'm needed at public gatherings on Wednesday and Thursday. Real life beckons for the time being, and it just isn't going to work out this time around.Please use the comments section as a way to discuss last week's episode, along with the second half of Season 4. I'll get you started with some topics of interest:Rousseau and Karl got capped, Widmore and Benjamin are both trying to keep the island a secret for different reasons, Tom is gayer than Canadian money and Michael sucks so much at life that he can't even end it properly. Satisfied?In NCAA Tou Read more:Bottom
I'm So Glad That You Exist. 2008-03-27 00:03:00 Tonight, I see the almighty Weakerthans for the very first time. The Weakerthans are on an extremely short list of bands that I have yet to see live. After Polysics came to Wisconsin and destroyed everything in their path last year, they were pretty much the only band left that I really felt I needed to check out in a live setting. In fact, out of all the current, active musical acts on the planet right now, I can only think of about five of them that I truly still need to check out before I check out. 1. Mew (Ridiculously unbelievably amazingly sexily awesome)2. Lifetime (They're sort of back together; it changes on a moment's notice)3. Paul McCartney (In any functional performing capacity, really)4. They Might Be Giants (I have no excuse for this; they play Madison all the time)5. The B
Yeah, I'm Only Three Inches...From The Ground! 2008-04-01 00:08:00 I typically don't like to rant and complain about things that don't amount to an entertaining punchline, but I just can't resist sharing my recent home buying experiences with you. I'm flabbergasted, terrified and have no better recourse than to laugh and hold on tight. Pay attention, however, because you are probably indirectly responsible for my optimism.Here's how much it's costing me and the Missus to move into our new house.1. Down payment for mortgage - $8600.2. Earnest money - $400.3. Home inspection fee - $250.4. Home buyer clause buy-out fee - $965.5. Stray closing costs - $100.6. Moving fees - $500.Bear in mind that this is all expected to be paid by the end of April, a scant 29 days from now.It also doesn't include condo fees, additional taxes, repairs and anything that has anyt Read more:Three
I Bought A Freaking House. 2008-03-31 00:02:00 My original plan for the month of April was to begin work on my second book.Instead, me and the Missus went ahead and purchased our first condominium.Needless to say, any serious work on the next book has been pushed to Summer.Sound off in the comments section, give us some good advice and enjoy your day.
Read more:Freaking
, House
Around The House. (Or 'Four Floors Of Fail.') 2008-04-03 00:01:00 STORY #1 - "You Should Probably Get That Fixed."Being a Home Inspector seems like a pretty sweet gig. You get to spend the bulk of the inspection explaining to the homeowner all of the things that you're not allowed by law to monkey, tinker or fiddle with, and if you see anything that appears to be broken, you just look at the owner and say "You should probably get that fixed." Don't get me wrong, our guy was great and took strides to help us out, but I now feel confident that I could do similar work with no less than 20 years worth of training. It's a money bin, damn it, and I'm diving in.I honestly wasn't prepared for how nerve-wracking the inspection process of our new place was going to be. You don't want to find out that you purchased a lemon made entirely out of tin foil, hair and ca Read more:House
, Floors
Hump Day Dance Party. 2008-04-02 08:25:00 The group is Justice, and the track is 'DVNO.' I've been enjoying the hell out of this video recently, as I'm an old nerd with a penchant for 70's and 80's television production company bumpers. Hope you enjoy it, too.Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.TOMORROW: "Will It Make The House Explode?"
Read more:Dance
, Party
, Hump Day
1,000 Words On Last Week's SNL. 2008-04-08 00:03:00 (Because I could rant about the history of SNL for 9 straight days if people found it entertaining.)Christopher Walken's most recent hosting stint on SNL was legendary; one of the best episodes I've seen in years. Nearly every sketch delivered, and had they booked a respectable musical guest (instead of the unfortunate Panic At The Disco), this might have been the best Walken SNL ever. Sketches like 'Walken Reunion,' 'Surprise Party,' and 'Gardening Tips From A Man Who's Very Afraid Of Plants' were significantly funnier than their titles would suggest.This was Walken's first hosting stint in over five years, which I had to actually look up on Wikipedia to confirm for myself. It seems as if he hosts every year (he's hosted 7 times, and according to Lorne Michaels, can host whenever his sche Read more:Words
Disintegration (Is The Best Album Ever). 2008-04-07 00:01:00 For the last few nights, I've been able to sleep with the windows open.After five straight months of snow (over 100 inches worth; a Madison record), I cannot fully explain to you how good that feels. The beginning of April brings Spring, warm rain, moonlit walks and other assorted dashes of emo symbolism that represent a collective rebirth here in the midwest.The end of April will also bring new responsibilities and freedoms for yours truly. I remember that there used to be a commercial on television here that advertised homes, and they always showed a young couple dancing barefoot in the living room of their first house. It might be the rain (or the whiskey) talking, but I'm totally going to do that the first chance I get.It's been a rough Winter, but we're all still alive and gracious.Mo Read more:Album
We Can't Start It Again For Thirty-Seven Hours. 2008-04-11 00:02:00 Today, 65 Poor Life Decisions became available at many retailers nationwide, including Barnes & Noble, Target and Amazon (click the links for proof, yo). As I will not be breaking ground on my next book until June at the earliest, it's good to know that I'm still getting fresh mileage out of my debut.Friday, April 11, 2008, will hereby be remembered as the day that award-winning blogger, author and humorist Ryan J. Zeinert became a millionaire. I'd like to thank all the little people; midgets in particular. The first thing I'm going to do with my newfound free time is to go to every Target in Wisconsin, ask them to order 10 books for me, and never come back to claim them. That way, whenever I go to a Target with friends and relatives, it'll look like 65 Poor Life Decisions is flying of Read more:Start
, Again
, Thirty
, Seven
, Hours
I'd Like To Five-Star You In Performance Mode. 2008-04-10 00:07:00 Any fantasies of me becoming a Nerdcore artist vanished completely a few days ago, when I laid my eyes upon the above (fan-created) video for 'Nrrrd Grrrl' by MC Chris, who manages to say everything that I've ever wanted to say in a rap song in just under three minutes. Watch, listen, allow yourself to be amazed and find yourself humming it constantly on your way to work. It's my new favorite song, and I've already listened to it 10 times since Tuesday.When I went to Geek Kon 2007 last year, I kept my eye out for a girl like this. A girl like the incomparable Jean Binnel on Friday Night Lights. I wanted to see if my interpretation of the Perfect Geek Woman was actually attainable without compromise, fibbing or cosplay.I learned something that day, and it's a similarity that both the girl i Read more:Performance
Gabelstapler Fahrer. 2008-04-14 00:01:00 Look, you know me.You know that I wouldn't put a nine-minute clip on here unless I knew without a shred of uncertainty that it would be nine of the most well-spent moments of your week.Four words: Instructional. German. Forklift. Safety.You think you know what you're getting into. You think you understand. You do not. Unless you've already seen it (it's quite popular), you have absolutely no idea what you're in for.Be patient. Don't cop out or fast-forward. Allow yourself these nine minutes to remind you exactly why the Internet exists. I can almost guarantee that you'll be thanking me later.Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.
This Day In History - April 15. 2008-04-15 00:04:00 1865 - Abraham Lincoln dies after being shot the previous evening by John Wilkes Booth.1912 - The RMS Titanic sinks in the North Atlantic.1947 - Jackie Robinson debuts for the Brooklyn Dodgers.2008 - British actress Emma Watson, best known for her role as 'Hermione Granger' in the Harry Potter film series, turns 18.We shall never forget. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.
Read more:History
, April
5 Easy Fashion Tips For The Lazy Bastard. 2008-04-16 09:56:00 (I like to wear a blazer around the house so the cats don't judge me.)Like most guys out there, I don't like to try very hard when it comes to the clothes I wear, but I also prefer to make an effort to not look like I'm missing a chromosome. Here are a handful of easy tips that I follow when it comes to keeping it classy.1. Never underestimate a clean, white collar shirt with a narrow tie and jeans. It works for almost every occasion, and people will notice that you look slightly less homeless than usual. A simple go-to outfit when you're unsure of the manner of dress for a dinner or night out. Make sure your jeans are long enough to cover the laces on your shoes, but not long enough to trip over. If you can't tie a tie, go here or ask your Significant Other for assistance. Don't wear a bl Read more:Fashion
Record Store Day. 2008-04-18 00:08:00 Today is National RecordStore
Day! This is a day to support and take pride in your local independent record store. Stop in and buy something, anything, as a way to say thanks and keep local business alive and awesome.In Madison (home of the CDP), my favorite establishment is B-Side Records. As it stands, every time there's something I just can't seem to find anywhere else, they'll have it at B-Side. Why I don't just start looking there in the first place remains to be seen, which I'll admit is a little ridiculous of me. I'll use tomorrow as a way to apologize and right this injustice.(B-Side Records - Madison.) Like most of us, I'm addicted to iTunes. I'm addicted to their ease of use, their cheap prices and instant satisfaction. However, there's nothing cooler and more rewarding than dis
Lead My Skeptic Sight. 2008-04-21 00:11:00 Lost Monday arrives on April 28.Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your week.
Read more:Skeptic
, Sight
Lost Monday - "The Shape Of Things To Come." 2008-04-28 00:09:00 Season 4 - Episode 9: "The Shape
Of Things To Come."After a short hiatus, Lost, Lost Monday
and the CDP itself has returned for glory and gentle kisses. We have much to discuss; it's good to be back.I decided to take last week off for a number of reasons, the most honest being that I was getting sick of hearing myself talk. The egotistical nature of Bloggers (well, the good ones, at least) dictates that they always have to be their own biggest fan, and that just wasn't happening, what with my busy schedule outside of the CDP and short posts and whatnot. That, coupled with my freelance work and an upcoming home purchase, made it clear that I needed to take a few days for myself. I don't remember if I've ever done that before, and it felt pretty decent. Maybe I'll do it again in five years.S
A Ziploc Bag Full Of Chocolate Chip Cookies. 2008-04-30 00:01:00 Yesterday, as I was packing my lunch for work, I threw in a Ziploc bag full of chocolate chip cookies. I had purchased a tub of the soft, silver dollar-sized cookies from the market last week, and thought they would bridge the Hunger Gap between lunch and when I leave for the day. This gap is normally bridged by either a Twix or vending machine egg salad, both of which usually lead to me spending the better part of the afternoon on the toilet.I have a tender tummy.I'm typically a creature of habit when it comes to my meals, but I've been taking strides to not eat out for lunch so much, as it's bankrupting me and making me heart attack-y and chubby (I'm this close to having to buy Medium-sized shirts). I needed to find a way to spice up my lunchtime routine, and the Ziploc bag full of choco Read more:Chocolate
, Cookies
, Chocolate Chip Cookies
I Read Canned Heat's Entire Wikipedia Page. 2008-05-02 00:05:00 In an attempt to find out what the longest recorded song in popular music history was, I inadvertently read the entire Wikipedia
biography of Canned
Heat; one of my least-favorite and most-hated bands of all-time.I had heard that Canned Heat recorded a 40 minute version of one of their songs on the B-side to a double live album; surely a top contender in the realm of lengthily-recorded modern music. Approximately 30 to 45 minutes later, I had accidentally learned more about these backwoods oafs than I ever wanted to know. In fact, I'm terrified to know what vital knowledge was squeezed out of my brain to make room for this new and unwanted trivial information.You win this round, Canned Heat. But the battle shall rage on. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend.
Lost Monday - Lost Tuesday Edition. 2008-05-05 00:01:00 Lost Monday
will arrive tomorrow. I've spent the bulk of the weekend moving into my new place, painting alcoves and trying my hand at various other things I've never done before, nor am I particularly good at. This will result in some decent stories I can share with you in the near future, but as far as having a few hours this previous weekend to hammer out another awesome Lost Monday, it just wasn't the case.I can tell you that so far, the moving process has been going well. Me and the Missus have moved four times in the last six years, so we've become somewhat of a well-oiled machine on the matter. Sure, we're hemorrhaging money and throwing our backs out with every vanload of unnecessary purchases, but that is to be expected. Besides, it will all be worth it in a few weeks.Until then, I Read more:Tuesday
, Edition
Lost Monday - "Something Nice Back Home." 2008-05-06 00:01:00 Season 4 - Episode 10: "Something Nice Back Home."Another Lost Monday
is upon us (albeit a day late). We have much to discuss.After the relative hesitance and foot-shuffling of Season 3, Season 4 of Lost has been nothing less than a bullet train of awesome, fueled on nothing but cocaine, death and Red Bull. I point to this as one of a few good things that came out of the Writer's Strike (American Gladiators being the other).In fact, I'd say that the last two back-to-back episodes of Lost have been the best in the history of the show. Rife with mythology, character development, death and panties, Season 4 has delivered in a huge way; almost enough to make me prematurely forgive the writers for the upcoming Season 5 snoozefest that's sure to result.There has been bloodshed. There has been ro
The Great American Milk Chug. 2008-05-08 00:01:00 Today, I'm outsourcing my material to longtime CDP Alumni (and frequent drunk-dialer to CDP World Headquarters), Spork Nation's JT.If you follow JT's blog, you'll know that he's been taking requests over the last few months for stunts that he can record and post onto the YouTubes. Last week, he tested the long-standing theory that it was impossible to drink a gallon of milk in under an hour. Sounds easy, right?Here now, the scientific findings.This clip has everything I normally look for in a great YouTube clip. Friends daring each other to do something seemingly impossible, anticipation, intrigue, a task that's logically doomed to fail, dry humor, and a little bit of vomit. It's an instant classic, and worthy of recognition.If you like what you see, don't forget to head on over to Spork N Read more:Great
, American
The CDP's Top 15 NES Games Of All-Time. 2008-05-12 00:01:00 If you're reading this on Monday and not in the distant future, my Internet connection is currently shut down, and my computer is sitting in a shipping crate on the way to the all-new CDP Headquarters (location unknown). The moving process has been slow and trudging, and I didn't have enough time to write a Lost Monday that I was anything close to proud of.Another way to say it is that Lost Monday Read more:Games
Survivors Will Be Shot Again. 2008-05-16 00:01:00 Just a reminder that Lost Monday returns next week.You know, for as much as people say that I've been slacking this year, I need to point out that I've only missed two Lost Mondays this season (Episodes 8 & 11). The latter was due to my move into the new CDP Headquarters, and the first absence was...you know what? I don't remember why I went deadbeat that week; perhaps I just wanted to get som Read more:Survivors
, Again
Lost Monday - "There's No Place Like Home." 2008-05-19 00:01:00 Season 4 - Episode 12: "There's No Place
Like Home (Part 1)."Another Lost Monday
is upon us, we have much to discuss.Season 4 has been like no other in the history of Lost. Strike-shortened, they were forced to cram 16 episodes of material in 13 hours, and they delivered in a commendable way, setting a pace that we had never seen in their typically plodding and deliberate storyline. So it seems fi
Sell My Old Clothes, I'm Off To Heaven. 2008-05-21 00:01:00 Before we moved into our current home, me and the Missus decided to do a fair amount of Spring cleaning, particularly with our old clothing. It had been about six years since I rooted through my old clothes, and we felt it was necessary to do so before the move, as a way to trim the fat and give Goodwill a hefty donation (and subsequent hefty tax deduction for ourselves).I learned a few things abo Read more:Clothes
, Heaven
You're A Money Bin, Baby, And I'm Scrooge McDuck. 2008-05-23 00:01:00 More information to follow shortly. The theme and sign-up info will arrive on June 6. Be ready.Next week will be entirely devoted to the Lost season finale, as we wind down Season 4 and prepare for the final Lost Monday...ever.Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your extended weekend. The CDP will return on Tuesday.Tuesday - Lost Monday: Season 4 Caption Edition (Part 1).Wednesday - Lost M Read more:Money
, Scrooge
Lost Tuesday - Season 4 Caption Edition (Part 1). 2008-05-27 00:01:00 To this day, I can't get over how funny this picture of Desmond is. Nor can I deny how much he looks like Barry Gibb. "I'm not gonna take any crap from anybody!"Anyways, this week will be completely devoted to the Season
4 finale of Lost, and what better way to kick things off than with a smattering of some of the best Lost Monday captions of this season?...Okay. Arguably, there are many better wa Read more:Tuesday
, Caption
, Edition
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