Owner: Goldmind's Unwind URL:http://goldmindsunwind.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Mon, 29 Oct 2007 22:54:33 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Original, off-the-wall, humor, including spoofs, satire, pictures, and top 10 lists. Influenced by Monty Python, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Jim Gaffigan, and other wackiness. Don't expect anything serious on this site, it's totally nuts! Site statistics:Click here
Undomesticated Partners 2008-03-09 13:19:00 Letting my girlfriend move in with me was a mixed blessing...and a 100% straight up mistake. Girls are pigs! At least the kind I date. But that's totally by my choice, I can get hot chicks if I want to. eantI moved in with a supermodel once. She was beautiful, rich, refined...I didn't like it though.trt mean between her calling the police on me, pressing charges and the restraining order, I just had to tell her, “Sorry babe, you're just too high maintenance for me. Gonna have to cut you loose.” and that was it. After my sentencing, I never saw her again.Looking back at that relationship, I see now, that I made mistakes too. I guess I should have told her I was moving in with her...or at least met her first...and not broken in, waited behind the door in the dark until she came home...I Read more:Partners
Bush Gets Busted 2008-03-08 03:36:00 A White house security guard see’s a light on in the oval office late one night. He goes to check it out and catches George W. sitting behind the desk. SG. Oh! Mr. President, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were in here. I saw the lights on and I...GWB: Its okay, no cost for alarm, I was just makin’ some after-davids for my next turn of when I'm president...again. I got some really smart, um, things, about how to spend all the money this time. My dad said, this turn, I can make everybody do my ideas cause these are real good ideas for the world to do and I’m gonna have another turn to be president for REAL this time ...SG. Uh Mr. President, you’re not going to have another—GWB: Wait! wait waitwaitwaitwait WAIT! I wanna tell my ideas, okay? Now first, here’s a list of the count Read more:Busted
, Bush Gets
Driving No-No's 2008-03-07 08:09:00 Cresting The Hill Phenomenon:You're cruising along at 65 mph. The freeway is full but it's moving along nicely. You reach the top of a hill and suddenly, you can see hundreds of cars in front of you which you couldn't see before. Because you are now above the traffic, it looks like more cars, but really, its exactly the same amount as there were a second ago. So you slam on your brakes thinking, "Oh my god! Look at all those cars in front of me! I'll never get through all that. I'd better slow down." Thus you, and everyone else who thinks like you, have just created a traffic jam because of a false perception of a problem that was no different a minute ago, you just couldn't see it.Okay, don't even TALK to me. I can not believe how stupid you are.Rubber NeckingThe freeway is moving along j Read more:Driving
"Much ado" (about nothing at all)-Political Song 3 2008-03-05 09:59:00 Sung to "Making Love" (out of nothing at all)-Air Supply- (This song is dedicated to all you Ohio voters who boldly pulled down your pants and screwed the pooch last night! After all the talk of NAFTA, lost jobs in Ohio, poor state economy, and trade concerns, you went out and voted for one of the loudest mouthpieces FOR NAFTA! Great show! Way to rock the vote! So we here at Goldmind's Unwind want to salute you!)(Hillary sings)" I know just how to spin thisI know just how to lie.I know just how to use the newsto pull the wool over your eyes!I'll pretend that I hate NAFTAIt will be my latest schemeAnd if you refer to my voting recordthen I'll claim it's just a dream.And I know that you will buy itAnything that I tell youBecause as voters you're no smarterThen a pile of dog pooAnd I'll tell
Two Neanderthals That Time Remembered 2008-03-05 08:08:00 Ungo and Mogo, two Neanderthals from about 100,000 years ago were frozen in a glacier and by a rare fluke of nature, the conditions were perfect for cryogenic suspension. Well, with global warming and all, here it is 2008, and guess who just thawed out? You guessed it. Of course, if you heard them speak, you wouldn’t understand a word of it. So we’ve translated their dialog from Neanderthalese into modern day English. Lets listen in as they stumble upon civilization for the first time and encounter a freeway.Ungo: Shiny beasts with circular legs go fast. Strange how they stay on the dark dirt.Mogo: Loose herds make them easy prey, but how do you eat something like that?Ungo: I think you have to shell it to get the meat, like a beetle only slightly larger. I saw something with eyes insi Read more:Remembered
OFFICER KENNY: a true story 2008-03-04 07:25:00 Rarely does Goldmind's Unwind feature non-fiction material, but there's a first time for everything and this little tale was too precious to not share with our devoted readers. I, numbsain, will be your narrator, retelling the event exactly as it happened.During a visit to the beautiful city of San Francisco a few years back, my ten year old daughter, my lovely girlfriend and I found ourselves at a loss for bearings and decided to stop and ask for directions. Just moments later, I was pleased to see one of San Francisco's finest, positioned conveniently upon a grassy median directly in our path.This apparent "officer of the lawn" appeared to be uncharacteristically relaxed for a man in uniform, as he stood akimbo, staring at, what seemed to be, the 1/4 acre of air directly in front of him. Read more:story
I FALL TO PIECES 2008-03-03 09:50:00 Breaking up is never easy, but if you’re single,it can really hurt like a sumbitch. Last year Icame apart at the seams and let me tell you...It all started when bleh bleh blehFirst, my ears felt they needed more spacebetween them. Then my eyes started drifting apartand I was seeing somebody on the side. My nosewas always roamin' and my hair was becomingscarce. I just couldn’t get my head together.I felt I was being led around by my genitaliawhich is a part of myself I've always been very attached toand oh, the fun we had together. But I didn’t like thatit was always getting me into a lot of trouble.So I just had to break it off.My left hand never knew what my right hand wasdoing which really made applauding difficult at times.My feminine side sued my masculine side forsexual harassme
Vehicular Mans Laughter 2008-03-02 09:23:00 I went out for a walk this morning, perfectly innocent right? I saw my neighbor under his car. I should have just kept walking but I wanted to make an impression on him. so I said;“What’s goin’ on Ted?”“Aw, it’s these damn brakes.”“Brakes? I’ve changed my brakes before. Doin’ it yerself, eh?”“Yeah... When you changed yours, did you have to turn the rotors?”“Uh, well... no, I uh...I just left ‘em y’know, the first way.”“Yeah? Say, would you climb in the drivers seat and pump the brakes?”“Sure Ted.”I got in the car and for some reason I released the emergency brake. The car started rolling backwards and I heard;[Crunchsickle! “A-A-A-A-A-a-a-rgh-gur-gle-squish!”]“Oopsies. That did NOT sound good. Ted? Are you okay man?”I got out and took a loo
Mano Knew Cleo's Sis 2008-03-01 04:08:00 Disease the story of Mano and Terry who lived in a little town calledNew Monia. They would meet their friends Herb and John in themall area after school and pet the animals at Cleo's pet store.Mano knew Cleo's sis, who worked there, and she would let'im pet Tygo, one of the rheas. Cleo came in crying; "Oh, I coulddie! A rhea escaped from his pen!" "Was the pen secure?" asked John."John, dis is de best pen dey got, it's Terry's fault!" "Why're youdissin' Terry?" said John. "He gave Burke de key, I tol' 'im if jou give itto Burke, you'll owe sis a new pen. Burke always breaks de pens. Helet Prissy, the other rhea, escape last week. Just then Burke walked in."Sir, I owe sis a new pen, it's true." "What do rhea's eat?" Asked Herb"My grain is the only thing, but I'm all out" said Cleo. "will he
Fun with NAFTA 2008-02-29 13:44:00 We all know the side effects of NAFTA can be quite unpleasant. Job loss, complete lack of customer service when dealing with overseas hot lines, vacating industries, etc. But there’s no reason we can't put an enjoyable spin on this travesty, now is there?The following is a transcript of a "recorded for quality assurance" phone call.Customer Service Specialist: (in heavy Indian accent) "Thank you for calling America online, my name is Elvis, how can I help you?"Caller: (in thick Appalachian accent) "Yessir. Mah name is Bashir Ibn Fahad, and ah'm havin' nine kindsa hell gettin' connected to my deadblamed email over here."Elvis: "I am veddy sorry to be hearing this Mr.....Fahad was it? That is most extraordinary! I am having an uncle named Rami Fahad!"Bashir: "That's nuthin' Elvis! We done
SCHOOL DAYS with numbsain 2008-02-28 00:56:00 My first day at school was a definitely a learning experience. First thing I learned was that kindergarten didn't have a detention hall or a juvenile hall. I'm like; “Where are they gonna send me, to jail?" The kids were all total wimps. Even the bully was only passive aggressive. He wouldn't take your lunch money, he'd sit there and stare at it and say "Are you gonna spend all that on lunch?"I had already mastered milk & cookies and naptime was a total yawn...Actually, nap time was upskirts time! Checkin' out teachers kinder garters! I may have been only five, but I knew a hot mama when I saw one. I mean girlfriend had some tiggity ol' biggity's and a ba-dunk-a-dunk bootoogity to boot. They called me David Cop-a-feel cause I used slight-of-hand.Show and tell? Sheeit, I had that shit
The Poetry of Napoleon Christ- Literary Genius 2008-02-26 14:37:00 Napoleon Christ
is the recently discovered talent of Goldmind's Unwind. We've searched almost every mental institution in the country looking for literary talent unequaled in the field of published prose. What we found is that there is no deeper, more artistic, or drool filled writer on the planet than one Napoleon Christ. We offer one of his submissions here for your approval.DiarrhetoricI scream! I cry!I put horseradish on hair pie!I melt! I fry!I've tried the cream of sumyung gaiThe birds, they scream,the worms, they danceNow who the helljust shit my pants?The orderly is bald and fat,and when I play with poop,well, he hates that!The voices scream inside my head,My penis may as well be dead,for all the good it's doing me,just dangling there,even when I pee.I know that they're all watchin Read more:Poetry
, Napoleon
, Literary
Unknowable Trivia Quiz 2008-02-26 03:40:00 Here's a test to see if you know things you can't possibly know. Why? Because no one knows, besides the person who the question is about. But you never know.How does Stevie Wonder perceive the color blue?As a gentle rocking motion from side to side.As a cool wetness with a slightly minty freshness.As the feeling of being an old man whose dog done up and left town with another man and his woman done got hit by a truck too.As red.How powerful is Oprah?She is the most powerful entity in the universe, even more powerful than God but he still won’t be a guest on her show.She controls the FCC, all the networks and she owns a small country whose borders are defined by the outermost extremes of her butt.She can bend spoons with her mind and the hair on her cats back frizzes up when she stares at Read more:Trivia
A Quick Word About Stutterers 2008-02-24 03:59:00 Since Porky Pig first amused us with his inabilty to utter a simple phrase at the end of a cartoon, we’ve mocked, mimicked, made fun of, laughed at, ridiculed, hurried and generally harrassed people who stutter.Perhaps it’s because, technically, they haven’t told us not to yet. Or it could be how sad and pathetic they sound struggling to say the even simplest little thing. Like “J- J- J- JERK!” Even though many feel we should be patient and polite to the stutterer, who really suffers most, them or us?How do you say “fine thank you” to a person who takes a minute and a half to ask “how are you?” Do you look them straight in the eye and not blink as though, for that moment, time stood still for us as well? Do you finish their sentence for them since they’re obviously too Read more:Quick
How I Joined the Circus 2008-02-23 04:20:00 When I was a kid, my Uncle Lester, a practicing pedophile, took me to the circus. Wow! It left a big impression on me. Even more than what Uncle Lester did to me afterward, which wasn’t too bad since the Lord wasn’t exactly good to him.What I saw under the big top amazed me! I still to this day love the smell of elephant dung. After seeing the trapeze artists, I’d play on the swings and end up flying through the air with the greatest of ease! I just didn’t land with the greatest of ease. Once I landed on a retard. His mom probably would have believed it was an honest mistake if she hadn’t caught me doing to him what Uncle Lester taught me. And the Lord was quite good to me. Apparently he didn’t care much for that retard. But when I grew up and got out of juvy, I joined the circ Read more:Circus
Why you should Pickapetaperson? (Pick a PETA person) 2008-02-22 12:42:00 Lonely? Been single for a while? Tired of playing the bar hopping game? Well.....usually it's not the policy of Goldmind's unwind to offer dating advice, but since we've tried it first hand, guys, let us recommend that you.........pickapetaperson
!!!!! Here's why:1. Your personal PETA person (PPP) is always ready to protest at the drop of a bloody slaughterhouse axe! This means that whoosh! Off come the clothes and whoosh! Up go the "naked for fur" signs! Gentlemen! What more could you ask for? A ready made naked date! Talk about compliant!2. Your PPP is against EVERYTHING fur. That means she (or he if that's your flavor) will be shaved. "There". KnowwhatI"msayin?3. Remember those expensive dates where you had to spring for "the lobster" or "the fillet Mignon" just for a 30% chance of getti
Jiblitz & Gravy get “Jacked-Up” 2008-02-21 20:28:00 Howdy Lemon Squeezers, Welcome toJiblitz & Gravy get “JACKED-UP”Gravy: I'm Jiblitz!Jiblitz: And I'm Gravy!Gravy: Wanna squeeze the most outta yer lemon? We're the new ve-HICK-ular Auto-motivational Goo-roos so fergit about them Poop Boys and Aamco; you Aain'tco no more!Jiblitz: You ain't just slappin' yer mud flaps Grav', all them other car me-Can’t-ics don't know their tranny from their fanny! If you got a Bentley we'll unbend it. If ya ding yer fender we'll give it the finger and offend it. If yer motor ain't motor-vated we'll git ‘er purrin’ like chicken quicker’n you can say...Gravy: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jiblitz, did you just say "purrin like a chicken?"Jiblitz: I did.Gravy: Okay, just chicken.Jiblitz: Now, Here we got a 1999 Camaro. Thirst fling to do is to check the flui
FORTUNE COOKIES 2008-02-20 07:50:00 COMMON MYTHS ABOUT FORTUNE COOKIES DISPELLED:Myth: Fortune cookies are chosen very carefully by a psychic Chinese person in the attic of the restaurant who watches each customer and channels their thoughts. He then invokes the spirit of Buddha to choose the correct wisdom for that person. Then he writes and typesets the fortune on a little piece of paper and threads it into the cookie which is made from rice flour and spit and then the waiter brings it to you so that you can read it and add "in bed" to the end of it, making a total mockery of this time-honored tradition. This is why its so dangerous to trade fortune cookies.Fact: That's a bunch of bullshit, they just pull them out of a bag randomly.Myth: Confucius was a wise teacher of ancient Chinese philosophy who invented a religion ca
A random encounter somehwere deep in space.... 2008-02-19 15:02:00 (I wrote this sci-fi tale to answer a few questions that I've always had. For instance, why is humanity the only species depicted that has it's share of rednecks? And what will a woman's nagging in the car be like during intergalactic travel? And how many times can I make a reader say the word "poop" verbally or mentally. I think all questions have been adequately answered)A spaceship landed in the desert of the planet Martok, and such a sight created quite a stir among the scattered residents there."Dy'all see that?" Gar poop yelled, scaring off their pet slarg in the process."Don't panic! Let's just see what all this to-do is about!" Pa poop responded, waiving his tentacles in a calming gesture.There was a murmur of excited assent from the poop children as they all contemplated just
Manny & Girly... the Spam of Humans 2008-02-18 14:44:00 Manny is a pair of testicles with a guy dangling from it. He saves the hair from his nose and glues it to his chest. People tell him he smells bad but he says his nose works fine. When he’s full of excuses he asks to be excused. Nothing is his fault except the fact that he has no friends. He used to do drugs, he still does, but he used to also. He never met a woman he wasn’t attracted to. He has four lazy eyes. He's having a bad face day.Girly
is a pair of lopsided boobs with a flabby ass hanging off the back. She can get guys to do anything they want to do. She wants to be a supermodel, she could be three. She never understood men but she's never been put in a position where that mattered. The best thing about her face is her make-up. Deodorant is defenseless against her. She once O.D Read more:Manny
Live From Madison Square Garden 2008-02-17 09:38:00 And in this corner... fighting out of green trunks with yellow stripes... wearing a smug overconfident grin... from El Paso Texas... weighing in at 210 pounds... the challenger...PAN-CH-O-O-O“THE PIÑ-A-T-AAAAAA”PA-CHE-C-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OOooo!And in this corner... fighting out of blue trunks with pink stripes and fire trucks with little dalmations wearing fireman hats and holding ladders... wearing sensible shoes... from Bullpenis Iowa... weighing in at 218 pounds... the champion...BOY-E-E-ER“THE DE-STROY-E-E-ER”SAW-W-Y-Y-E-E-E-E-R-RRRRrrrrrrrRef: Now fighters you know the deal, I want a good, clean fight. Nothin’ dirty. No funny stuff, no silly stuff, no hitting below the belt, no belting below the hit, no biting below the ears, no clenching, no clutching, no hugging, no kis Read more:Madison
, Square
, Garden
, Madison Square
What's that disease old people get? 2008-02-16 02:14:00 “I’m finally all alone. The kids, the wife, the dog, the kids, the wife, did I mention the dog? They’ve all left for the weekend. Can't remember last time I had the whole place to myself for a whole week. Now I can do what I've been wanting to do for years. What was it I was gonna do? Well, I’ll think of it, I’ve got the whole summer all to myself. First I'll catch up on my reading.Lets see... 'The Appeal,' already read it... 'Duma Key,' read that... 'A Thousand Splendid Suns,' read that one too... 'The Appeal,' this one looks good. I’ll just get my reading glasses, Ah, here they are... Ooh! No one in my chair, that’s odd, wonder where everybody went? Hmm, a chance to read my mail. Uh-oh, a letter from my doctor! Let’s see, he says the blood tests came back and there’s tw Read more:disease
, people
Dr Seuss...NOT! 2008-03-13 21:52:00 Frog/Hog Blog DialogFrogs, Hogs.Frogs have blogs.Hogs have blogs.Frogs clog hog blogs.Hogs bog frog blogs.Hog blogs bog down from frog log ons.Frog blogs clog up from hog log ons.Hogs log on to frog-bogged hog blogs.Hogs get mad and want to flog frogs.Frogs log on to hog-clogged frog blogs.Frogs get mad and want to flog hogs.Frogs on hog blogs making frog soundsclogs blogs so hogs can’t make hog sounds.Hogs on frog blogs making hog soundsbogs blogs so frogs can’t make frog sounds.Frogs need frog sounds on their blogs.Hogs need hog sounds on their blogs.“Why can’t hogs stay off our blogs?”“Why can’t frogs stay off our blogs?”“Wait” says one frog, “cats have blogswith places where a dog can log on.”“Every blog a cat can log onhas a place to log a dog on.”“Each b Read more:Seuss
Self Help Techniques I've Tried 2008-03-15 19:27:00 by numbsainTranscend Dental MeditationI have a horrendous tooth ache and I can't stop thinking about it. The pain is not the problem, That's what I had a fifth Jack Daniels, 4 Vicidin, 25 excedrin, a dime bag of heroin, and 7 tubes of anbesol every 4 hours for.Let's see, at a street value of $117.59 six times a day for three days, if I had suffered and saved the money I could have had one and a half a root canals done and a cap put on. 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed recommend I shoot myself.If I could just put it out of my mind and ignore the pain, it wouldn't be so bad, but I keep thinking it's a warning of something else, some bigger problem, like a brain tumor.If I lost my teeth I could go on a liquid diet but if I lost my brain, I just couldn't imagine... I mean, it would be unthinkable.
No title 2008-03-17 09:33:00 The Himalaya Triangle[The 2008 Olympic Team Captain's Log Entry 1]We're on our way to Seoul and the flight crew hasn't told us a thing about arrival times, survival rates, etc. They seem to be having a cockpit party. Oh, an announcement...This is your captain speaking, we’re crossing the Himalayas. If you look out the left side of the cabin, you’ll see a stunning view of the second tallest peak... Uh, my mistake, the tallest peak in India... Uh, excuse me a minute...(hey, did you adjust our altitude for the tallest peak?...WHAT!?[SKRE-E-E-EEEEE-K-KRASH!]Okay, that's the last time I fly Air Seoul from Jordan. Wow, look at Vlad go! Quadruple, quintuple, sextuple, septuple, octuple...Wow, I've never seen an octuple salchow before!...Ooh! Messy dismount though. That brings us down to six
No title 2008-03-21 04:31:00 A Guide to Names Part 3If you haven't read the earlier posts “A Guide to Names parts 1 and 2” Just click on these links:A Guide to Names part 1A Guide to Names part 2And find out what it's all about. Or just read on.These Native Americans have reservationsNative American NamesWe’ve all heard of the legendary ‘Chief Sitting Bull’ or seen the movies ‘Dances with Wolves’ or ‘The man who loved Cat Dancing’ (no, that wasn’t about some freak who enjoyed humiliating felines for entertainment). Native Americans often name their children after the first thing they see when the child is born. This is a great method which yields very interesting and creative names, although ‘Two Dogs Fucking’ of the Snatchengrabbit Tribe may disagree. Here are some choices Gilding LilySleeps w
No title 2008-03-19 05:05:00 Camp Lemmedewit!Mr. Lenny: Howdy kidamarooskis and welcome to Camp Lemmedewit! The summer camp for kids of all ages! All together! Were gonna have a fun-diddely-umptious time! Little Scout-a-rooneys playing with Big Burly-Brawny Boys and Tiny-Tinker-Toy Girlys hangin’ with Big-Bouncy Teenage Babes!Now the only things we don’t wanna hear at Camp Lemmedewit are; “I can’t” and “Help I’m getting eaten by a bear!” So don’t say ‘em, and you can Stay-um! These woods around Camp Lemmedewit are real safe so you can play out there as much as you want! We’re gonna have a super-duper-ruper time! Alright-a-roni-o?!Kevvy: Hey where ya going, Trevor?Trevor: I gotta use the little boys room.Mr. Lenny: Well whyncha take a pee buddy with you? Any of you first graders need to go?Kevvy:
No title 2008-03-23 08:08:00 LIVE NUDE GIRLS! [not dead ones]My Girlfriend got a job at a strip club. She looked hot up there on stage wiping down the pole and mopping the floor before the show. She’s the janitor and also the cashier, but the manager told her she should dance. then he started shooting at her feet cause the register came up short, but she swears, she’s innocent. Of course, she stole the money, but compared to those shameless, little skanky-ass, crack-ho pussy-peddling, hoochies up on the stage, she's really innocent.What I like about her working there is, I get to go in and see the show. I have to pay twenty bucks just like everybody else, but at least they let me in now. So I go in there with my wad of cash. It’s a ‘Compton wad’ but you can’t tell it’s all ones when I whip it out. So I
No title 2008-03-26 06:02:00 Ask Numbsain...Advice for the Connoisseur*****************************************************Dear Numbsain, Some girls in my sorority and I get together every weekend and play poker. Last night I was winning when all of a sudden, Jenny stood up and pulled a gun on us. I tried to tell her it was only a game and she shouldn’t take it so seriously. Then she shot my lava lamp. What should I do?Sore WinnerDear Sore,I suggest playing stripped poker. It’s just like ordinary poker except you start out with no clothes on. That way it will be harder to conceal a weapon. Send me photos too. As far as the lava lamp is concerned, buy a new one only replace the lava with nitro methane (can be purchased at any drag racing outlet). That way if Jenny pops a cap in it, the whole place blows up and she
No title 2008-03-27 23:36:00 I'M AN ANIMAL!...not a human being!I get to LAX (never liked that name) and the cab pulls up to the terminal (never liked that word). I get out, walk in the door and I hear “Hold it right there!” (Never liked that phrase). Two airport security guards come running over with their guns drawn (never liked those things).“What? What did I do? Do I look like a terrorist? Am I carrying a bomb? Do I have a concealed weapon? Do I have 40 sticks of dynamite wrapped around my torso and a detonator in my hand?” I ask politely. Okay maybe I was a little defensive. I hear one of them say to the other,“False alarm on the burning fuse, my bad.” Then he says to me,“There’s no smoking in the airport, sir.”“Well that’s good, that means the place probably isn’t on fire.” I qu
Recommend Site To A Friend
