Owner: Hollywood Flakes URL:http://hollywoodflakes.blogspot.com Join Date: Sun, 17 Dec 2006 12:06:08 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Outrageous humor from an L.A. mom Site statistics:Click here
Saturday 2006-12-16 17:27:00 Ah, Saturday
! A day to recover from a week of stress, appointments and housecleaning. A day to lie in bed lazily counting the hummingbirds as they come to feed outside my window. An entire 24 hours to enjoy my husband's company on his day off. A day to curl up with my new library book and transport my senses to exotic settings for hours on end. A day to eat every meal out, starting with the breakfast menu at McDonalds and ending with a romantic candlelight dinner at our favorite Italian place in Old Town Pasadena. A day off for my overworked wrinkle lines. A day for me.
Oh wait - I have a kid. Maybe tomorrow then...
Spin Doctor 2006-12-15 06:02:00 It's been two years now since I morphed into a mother and finally became my own boss. It's not that I've had universally bad employers, but the idea of having to kowtow to someone else always got under my skin. Maybe if they had a nicer name for the position like "suggester" it wouldn't have been so repulsive to be employed. Maybe. But the point is, I'm the big boss-man now and I'm finding the view from the top quite enlightening.
After years and years of seeing old bosses twist reality so that all the blame lies anywhere but their laps, I've learned a few tricks. There's nothing this mama can't spin to appease the doubtful masses.
If I let my kid watch t.v. all day it's because I'm relaxed.
Those days when I can't let her take one step without me clutching her hand it's because I'm doting.
When I spend an entire day ignoring her to clean my apartment I cite my industrious nature.
On days when I don't lift a finger to maintain my place I'm putting family first.
I Read more:Doctor
I Heart Anonymous Commenters! 2006-12-14 16:14:00 Really, I do. I allow anonymous comments to run rampant on this blog because of my sick fascination with what humanity justifies under the protective blanket of darkness. Unless there is some kind of blazing profanity or uncouth anatomical references, let the people speak! Plus, it gives me a better idea of who my readers are. For instance, I'm happy to report that I've been discovered by the junior high demographic as evidenced by a candid comment I received yesterday in response to this post. Our obscured commenter weighed in with:
"Let me get this straight, your blogging about a situation you cant control. Hows that any different from peoples normal everyday life! Better yet your calling your baby physco? What are you thinking? Its all part of life you buffoan!!!"
Charming, simply charming. As a girl with a Sociology degree, I love hearing what the American masses are really thinking. Keep 'em coming, folks! This is reality blogging at its best. Read more:Heart
Impostor Jesus 2006-12-13 21:50:00 It appears we have an impostor.
My favorite thing about the Christmas season is the nativities. We have six different sets and I adore them all. This being Penny's first Christmas as a rational human being, she was curious about the little Jewish family groups colonizing our shelves. I explained the birth of Jesus
, the angel, the shepherds, and the sheer excellence of the whole story. She accepted my explanation and went about examining them all. She was particularly fond of the baby Jesus in each set. Until she came to the final nativity. "Baby Rex" She pronounced, and removed the baby and his manger from the set. "No honey, that's Jesus," I corrected her and showed her how to arrange the baby so that he received the maximum amount of praise from the other figurines. "No. Baby Rex," she insisted and removed him again.
I took her to each of the other nativities and had her correctly identify baby Jesus in each one. Then we came back to the aforementioned nativity an Read more:Impostor
L.A.'s Best -Kept Secret 2006-12-13 06:48:00
Despite my massive financial investment in the system, I've never had a hair cut I liked. I've tried swanky salons, ghetto black market barbers and fluorescent mall mills but none can meet my rigid standards of hair artistry. I even tried cutting it myself but got violently upset while cutting and ended up with 1/2 inch long hair as a result.
After that disaster grew out I went back to the "professionals." When my hair got lanky I would agonize over whether to hit up Supercuts for a cheap, bad haircut, or shell out the money for an expensive bad haircut at a salon. After a few years of this, my husband got fed up with my whining and demanded that I let him cut my hair since he would happily give me a terrible hair cut for free. Out of frustration with the system, I accepted. This south-paw lawyer from rural Montana who probably hadn't used scissors since elementary school was welcome to take a stab at my hair. Everyone else had.
I was totally shocked when Adam's first a
10 Ideas for Blog Posts 2006-12-12 06:02:00 I'm sick of your excuses. Here's some fuel to get started on your blog post when you claim to be out of ideas. These ten ideas are ideally suited towards the personal blogger but I hope some apply across the blogger-spectrum. Although I do not hold myself out as the expert, I've found these kinds of posts elicit the most reader feedback and bring added traffic to a website. With all that being said, here they are...
Rant Letters to Companies/Celebrities
Do you just abhor Whoppie Goldberg's dreadlocks? Did you have a particularly bad experience with your cream hair removal product? Write them a letter and vent, vent, vent! I've seen tons of these and they are categorically hilarious! You can just write the letter to get it off your chest with no intention of actually sending it or better yet, actually send the letter and post any feedback you receive on your blog. Your honesty is refreshing and many people will connect with your experience. It's cathartic for everyone and can
The Greaser's Daughter 2006-12-09 17:35:00 My husband and I went to the L.A. Auto Show this weekend. For a girl who knows next to nothing about cars, I was surprised at how strong of a reaction I had to these metal monsters. Although I couldn't tell you the difference between a carburetor and a transmission, I can tell you that I love power. I love speed. I love muscle. I'm into hot colors - oranges, yellows, reds. I'm all about a compact interior so you can lean over and plant a huge kiss on whoever is sitting next to you (preferably someone you like, but when you're doing over 90 mph anyone will do).The Ford Mustang GT Coupe Concept was the glorious union of all these ideals (see picture). It's sheer brilliance. Even though it's a concept, I couldn't stop the drool from oozing out of the corner of my mouth. I had the strange, wild urge to lick the darn thing but was frustrated by the railing surrounding it. The car is lust embodied. Adam eventually had to grab me by the arm and drag me away before I made a scene. Read more:Daughter
A Perfect Card for the Occasion! 2006-12-08 20:20:00 Trust me on this one, go to uncookedland and check out these hysterical cards. It's everything you always wanted to write but couldn't because it would be too creepy in your own handwriting.
One of the "Sorry" cards reads:
I'd Rather Jam Dried Fruit in my Eye Sockets Than Have You Stay Mad at Me
A "Miss You card" reads:
Some mornings when I really miss you I cry into a bowl of cereal and eat my tears.
Thanks to the reader who sent me this link! Read more:Perfect
The Doll Hospital 2006-12-08 06:43:00 I found myself looking through an American Girl cataloge today. I was mildly amused by the overabundance of accessories at outrageous prices but hey, let the kids have their fun. Then I came to a page advertising the "Doll Hospital." The Before and After picture I've posted here is strangely similar to cosmetic surgery ads I see around Los Angeles. The blurb accompanying the ad read:
Life happens.
That's why there's the American Girl Doll Hospital, where you can send your doll for everything from a general cleaning to a "major surgery." Our doll doctors will make her as good as new and send her back ready to be loved for a lifetime. (Or until next time...)
"Or until next time you find yourself in an irrepressible rage and tear Little Betty's arms off because she refused to tell you her favorite color?"
"Or until next time you "accidentally" stuff her down the toilet to hide her from your little brother?"
It's a tad ominous.
You can send your special friend to the Doll
The True Test of Love 2006-12-06 21:27:00 Put your affection up to auction. I've been doing some Christmas shopping online and have had some epic battles between my head and my heart. Here's a sample scenario:
You find the perfect present for your sweet little brother on eBay, a signed first edition of his favorite childhood book you used to read to him. Nobody has bid on it yet and the opening bid is at $4.99. Of course, you aren't buying this book because it's inexpensive, but simply because this truly is the most thoughtful gift you could possibly give. Putting in the opening bid is simple and your heart swells with the sweet fruits of selflessness.
Like most eBay auctions, this one lasts for seven days and two days later you are still the only bidder on the item. By this time, you've already imagined all the cozy nights your brother will spend reading this book to his own children and the fond remembrances of you it will elicit as he fingers your charming inscription on the title page. You have a real knack
Why A Mormon Should NEVER Be President 2006-12-05 17:52:00
I've been getting a MSN poll emailed to me lately from friends asking whether or not I would vote for a Mormon
presidential candidate. As you can see from the poll results, this link seems to be a favorite goodie floating around the Mormon email circuit and it looks like all 11 million of us have chimed in with our resounding "yes." But do we really know what we're asking for? I think not.
Lets look at some of the potential fallout of actually electing Mitt Romney, a Mormon man, as the President
of the United States:
First and foremost, he would immediately delegate all the major responsibility to his wife, Ann. It's not that she wouldn't be totally competent to do the job, but she's not asking for this. Besides, she's already swamped making hygiene kits for every citizen in Darfur.
Secondly, this country simply cannot run on "Mormon Standard Time.""Mr. President, the Secretary of Defense has been in your office for 3 hours waiting for orders...""Shoot! Tell him I'll be
Top 10 Reasons To Blog: 2006-12-03 19:30:00
1. It's an irresistable chance to taste your foot in the back of your mouth every single day. Post it, gag on it, repeat. You get used to the taste of old sock after a few weeks then begin craving it.
2. Never have a real person to person interaction again! You can interact with both family and friends exclusively through your website and spare yourself all that cumbersome public interaction. Save a bundle on babysitters, movies, dining out, deodorant, toothpaste, underwear and other so-called "essential" commodities.
3. Attract a top-of-the-line stalker. They aren't just reserved for the rich and famous anymore - Molly Mommy from Minnesota can have her very own creepy guy following her in the grocery store parking lot begging her fingernail shavings. What are you waiting for?
4. It's a chance to gussy up your boring life so badly that you actually appear interesting. It's not lying so much as rather creative re-wording. "I went to McDonald's last night" becomes "I ate foi gras Read more:Reasons
Unexpected Realities 2006-12-03 08:20:00
We've been prepping Penny all week to see the real-deal Santa Claus at our church Christmas party tonight and she was a jumble of excitement. Penny put on her special Christmas dress and practiced what she was going to say to the jolly old elf in order to make the best impression possible.
Santa showed up just before dinner and settled himself in an armchair outside the main dining room. He was an older gentleman from our church with good bone structure for the job and looked great in his thick red suit and full beard. We were the first ones in line. "Do you want to sit on Santa's lap, honey?" Penny gave me that big blue-eyed stare and gaped at him, horrified. Santa was enormous and ready to stuff her into his bag and pack her back to the North Pole the second I released her hand - nothing at all like the cute little 2" Santa toy she played with at home. It was all I could do to get her to sit in his lap and you can see from the picture how excited she was about that.
We beat a Read more:Unexpected
Kick-off to the Holiday Season! 2006-11-30 20:01:00
Merry Christmas, cruel world! Some punks broke into our apartment complex garage last night and messed up my car. Stupid me left my car unlocked and they stole my gate opener, a CD player, and were kind enough to jam up my ignition so badly that I can't start my car now and need to get it towed to a repair place (no, insurance won't cover a red cent of this).
The damage is bad enough that I can't drive my car. But since I'm apartment manger I also have to deal with reprogramming everyone's gate openers, getting the broken security gate repaired, and allaying any fears tenants may have about the safety of our apartment complex (sorry folks, you live in L.A. Deal with it.) I'm thinking of instituting a lookout program where I assign each tenant to a few hours to camp out in the garage with a shot gun and a Doberman. Or we could put live traps in the garage and catch the thieves like raccoons using Snow Patrol CDs as bait. Or perhaps have vats of boiling oil over the gates that a Read more:Holiday
, Season
Random Battles 2006-11-30 06:42:00 I wanted to collaborate with Adam tonight on a post idea. Here's how it went down:
Me: Honey, can you give me some ideas for a post I'm writing?
Adam: Sure.
Me: What random battles do you fight?
Adam: The battle of the bulge.
Me: That's not random.
Adam: What do you mean?
Me: There's a purpose to want to lose weight.
Adam: Well, I wrestle with my own self loathing.
Me: No, no, no. I'm talking about things that you do that don't make any sense. Like me not wanting to find out the sex of our baby. Or not eating veal but eating any other animal. Or never letting anyone at the grocery store help me load my car.
Adam: Uh, I don't fight battles that don't make sense.
Me: Oh.
Suddenly I feel very alone.
Read more:Random
, Battles
Weird Airport Encounter 2006-11-28 20:57:00 Yet another celebrity encounter to report. You'd think with a town as big as L.A., I wouldn't see as many as I do, but alas, they seem to follow me everywhere.
I was flying back from Dallas to L.A. last night and had over an hour to kill in the terminal. As usual, I was unprepared to entertain my toddler so I just let her wander around to play. It took less than five minutes for her to find another little girl with a box full of toys. She ran over, I followed, and found myself standing over Weird
Al Yankovic and his wife and daughter. I'm happy to report that his hair is even bigger and weirder in person since he apparently doesn't use all that gooey hair product when he travels.
I never know what to do in these situations. Do I play it cool and pretend that I'm so far out of the pop culture bubble not to know about him? Do I gracefully acknowledge that he's a comedic genius and then move on to other topics? Do I scream, make him autograph my pregnant belly with his ear wax an Read more:Encounter
The Takeover 2006-11-27 14:42:00 Whether or not I was ready, the world has begun its insidious takeover of my child's education. Somehow my one year old has discovered the joys of Santa Claus and can't stop talking about him. We were in a store the other day and I made her put back a stuffed animal when it was time to go home. She was very cheerful about it and said "Santa Claus present?" "Uh, yeah," I mumbled. Where did she get that from? I've been deciding whether or not to fully immerse her in the myth of Santa but it looks like it's already been done. There is a 4 foot tall Santa Clause outside the neighbor's door and she has to go over there multiple times a day to hug him and stroke his bag of toys.
And she thinks Jesus says, "Ho Ho Ho."
I just don't have the appropriate arsenal to fight this. Read more:Takeover
Ominous Find 2006-11-27 06:53:00 Okay, I slacked today, there are 10 minutes left until midnight, and I've got to stick up something to keep me in the NaBloPoMo thing. I promise this is the last post about the stuff I've found digging in my boxes. My parents' will. My mom stuck it in there back in 1997 with pages and pages listing what of their possessions go to which kid. It's funny to read through and see what they consider of enough worth to have to assign out to the kids and what slipped through the cracks for general grabbing after they are gone. Things I never even knew existed have been carefully designated out and other items that I am very attached to don't appear in the will at all.
I've seen so many cases of families really getting into trouble with this division of property thing after a parent dies. I'm hoping of course that my family is immune from this but you just never know what your emotions will make you do after someone you love that much dies. And then factor in greed that you didn't know
Unanswered Pleas 2006-11-25 21:59:00 All I wanted growing up was pierced ears. In all other aspects, I was a pure tomboy, but this one little girlish vanity trilled to me from a young age. But I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. My mom was luxuriating in her granola phase and thought that any kind of body piercing was unnatural and unnecessary. As the 5th girl in the family I was well aware of the obstacles to obtaining my goal. My mother doggedly repeated we could only get our ears pierced once we went to college.But did that stop me from trying?In going through my boxes of childhood memorabilia this week, I came across a series of notes I had left on my parents' dresser. I can only imagine my parents' saved them for me out of some sick sense of delight at being able to crush my darling youthful desire. Just one of the small kick-backs of parenting.Here's one:Dear Mom & Dad,I love you both. You are both so kind. Mom I love your beautiful curly brown hair. Dad you are so handsome with your nice dark eyes.From
No Snack for You! 2006-12-18 06:55:00
"I'm not worried about you getting fat. I'm just worried about your self-loathing."
These were my husband's last words to me before he headed off to bed tonight. Now that I'm over six months pregnant, there is no ignoring my bulbous new silhouette. I had a hard time losing the pregnancy weight after my first baby and am paranoid this time around about packing on the pounds. My poor husband has to sit by and watch as I stuff my face with Christmas goodies and junk food knowing that there is no diet in sight for months to come. But through it all, he's been overwhelmingly supportive and frequently tells me how beautiful he thinks I am. And I believed it. Until the other night.
On Friday evening we went to bed around 10:00. I've had trouble sleeping lately and made some comment about being hungry as I lay down. Adam grunted, stuck in his earplugs and promptly fell asleep. After a few minutes I rolled out of bed and toddled off into the kitchen for a light snack (does Read more:Snack
The Big Pink 1970-01-01 00:59:59 **WARNING**CHICK POST**I went to my first Mary Kay party last night and yes, my checkbook fell victim. I was egged on by all the comments you guys left on my make-up post a few months ago to actually spend more than $5 on cosmetics. If I get leprosy from this goop, you guys owe me some big bucks. Keep an eye open for a Paypal Tip Jar on my blog if my skin has all fallen off by Christmas.The Mary Kay party was not at all what I expected. The rep spent the first hour indoctrinating us about how working for MK was the dream career. I discovered later that if a rep recruits me she gets some of my commission so it's just as important for her to sell products as it is to recruit fresh blood. She had only been working for MK for 6 weeks but seemed totally convinced that it was the pink path to exaltation. She threw some interesting tidbits at us - like that Mary Kay is the most profitable direct sales make-up company in the world. That they have a huge market in Asia and Russia. That the sal
Church Choir 1970-01-01 00:59:59 There is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
, and then there is the rest of us. For regular Sunday church meetings, we Mormons don't rely on any fancy-schmanzy professional choir to transport our spirits to ethereal heights. There are no professional choristers or organists to accompany us in our plain chapels. And we never practice a song with the whole group before performing.And these are some of the many reasons why my church choir stinks.Let me preface this by saying that I dearly love my church choir and wouldn't change a thing about it. That being said, we do have certain eccentricities that outsiders may scorn. For example, anyone who accidentally stumbles through the door to our practice room is guilt-tripped into participating in our rag-tag choir. As far as I know, no Mormon has ever been denied a spot in choir, although I've had serious doubts as to the integrity of this method during performances I've winced through in the past. But hey, it's not about talent, it's ab Read more:Church
Last Words 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Confessions of a Hypochondriac:So one minute you are perfectly happy, just popping online to check your email - the next minute you discover that you have some obscure, untreatable disease and one week to live. This, my friends, is the beauty of our modern times. Every time my knee aches or my jaw pops, I'll promptly turn to the internet to investigate which delightful new diagnosis I qualify for. Through a simple Google search, you too can have the disease of your liking in five minutes or less!In the past two years alone, I've discovered that I am Obsessive Compulsive, have Raynauds's Syndrome, Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy (say that 10 times fast), Restless Leg Syndrome, Tinnitus and Agoraphobia - to name a few of the more charming ones. And to augment in times of health, it's always helpful to freak out about possibly having skin cancer every time I get a zit. It's really pretty fun actually. Just type in any random combination of symptoms in a search en Read more:Words
I'm Famous! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Many thanks to our dear Mr. Joe Blog for asking me to do an interview for his fantastic site. My head has officially exploded. Read more:Famous
How Much Can You Take? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Ah, the holidays. A time when rest and relaxation never seemed so far away. My one year old and I were flying by ourselves from Los Angeles to Dallas for a week long trip to the grandparents' house over Thanksgiving. My daughter Penny had been sick all the previous night and neither of us had gotten much rest. At 6 a.m. the next morning we groaned out of bed and headed to the airport. Being Thanksgiving weekend, it was a full flight and Penny was my moronically designated "lap-child" When you are five months pregnant like I am, "lap children" are a laughable fantasy. In preparation for the long flight with my lap-monkey, I didn't drink anything during the 12 hours before the flight so that at least my bladder would be comfortable. Additionally, in remembrance of past airplane traumas, I purchased children's Benadryl for Penny to take on the airplane at the first signs of insanity.We got on the plane. I was stuck with a cramped window seat and after only ten minutes of p
An Unlikely Ethical Dilema 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Alright guys, my world is generally pretty black and white. I live in a small, safe community and travel the same reliable routine paths daily. There isn't much intrigue or morally perplexing issues that I confront with any regularity to keep the ethics lobe of my brain as sharply tuned as it needs to be. Which is why when I ran into a particularly messy situation today, I was at a loss for how to proceed.My toddler Penny and I were swimming in our apartment complex pool. It was a beautiful day and my various neighbors were starting to arrive home from work. A charming girl who had recently moved in came out to the pool to take a dip in the late afternoon heat. I was glad to have a chance to get to know her a little better and we chatted pleasantly for 10 minutes or so. Penny, as usual, toddled around the edges of the pool playing with dead bugs, throwing rocks and eating the neighbors marigolds. I kept a casual eye on her but was focused mainly on establishing a relationship with my Read more:Dilema
How a Lexus saved my soul 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I adore real mail. There was only one item in my mailbox today but it was addressed to me in the unmistakable handwriting of my dear old pop so I was happy. I plopped down in a patio chair and opened it up. There was a short note inside as well as a check written by my dad for $1,090.33 with the memo field made out to "Sarah's encounter with Lexus
." The note read, "In cleaning out my files for the impending move, I came across this reminder of past times. With your payment of this amount as a young driver, you purchased integrity and character. Congratulations!"Let me explain. I'm a Benac (my maiden name) and as such, am hell on wheels. I speed, I swerve, I yell at cops when they pull me over. The very first time I was allowed to drive with a passenger was with my boyfriend to a Senior dance. The night was gloomy, wet, and I was thinking about how great I looked in my dress rather than paying attention to the road. Long story short, I made a very minor ding on the bumper of a Lexus Read more:saved
The True Meaning of Christmas 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Okay guys, I've had it with this materialist nonsense. Let's talk service. The rule is you have to leave an anonymous comment saying either some service you've done for somebody this month or service you've received. I'm not kidding about the anonymous part - no links to your webpage, no "Rhymes with Beara Hake," no spelling your name in the bionic code. Anonymous. I'll delete your comment if I can figure out who you are.Let's hear it:
Read more:Christmas
, Meaning
Recommend Site To A Friend
