Owner: Hollywood Flakes URL:http://hollywoodflakes.blogspot.com Join Date: Sun, 17 Dec 2006 12:06:08 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Outrageous humor from an L.A. mom Site statistics:Click here
The Day that Didn't Stink 2007-04-05 21:51:00 Today had the potential to leave me crying in the dirt. It truly did. But somehow I find myself in a fantastic mood as I sit to write this post.Here's how it went:A 90 minute wait at the OB/Gyn for a 30 second check up to hear my baby's heartbeat.My midwife telling me that my HMO had no records of my medical care or pregnancy before January 2007.Because of this computer error, my due date of March 31st as determined by a November ultrasound they no longer have record of was irrelevant. She insisted I still have two weeks left of this pregnancy before induction is necessary.The induction is scheduled for Friday the 13th.On the drive home, a four car pile-up created a ten mile stretch of stop-and-go traffic which I winced through while having heavy contractions.But here's the part where all the pain went away:I had barely passed the accident and was primed to kill when the song came on the radio. "Going the Distance" by Cake. As an Easter miracle, all the frustration I was feelin Read more:Stink
Alarmist Ravings of a Paranoid Mom 2007-04-04 19:00:00 Adam and I went to dinner last night at Red Lobster. There was a fifteen minute wait to be seated so I cozied in next to the lobster tank and observed the final, boring moments of their damp lives. In this mild melancholy, I looked up at the entrance of a small family. There was a mother, father and a young son. The boy looked about seven and brandished a small plastic pistol. He jumped around his parents legs and aimed at them mischievously while making those amazing gun noises that only little boys are able to make. His dad played along and grabbed the pistol and holstered it, Clint Eastwood style in his jeans pocket. Then he flipped it out to point at his son. The boy squealed with delight. The mother stood to the side and smiled affectionately at her boys.I was surprised at how affected I was at their harmless play. Adam leaned over to me and commented that we would never let our kids have toy guns. Of course not, I agreed. But we have a girl. What do we know about raising men? Do Read more:Alarmist
Talking Politics 2007-04-06 10:00:00 You guys want to talk politics? Fine. Let's talk politics.Let's talk about the endless phone calls I get from political campaigns during election season trying to make me promise to give them my vote after a 10 second schpiel about how well their candidate brushes his teeth.Let's talk about how my government pays farmers to grow crops that will rot in the fields but has no qualms whatsoever about making me dish out $4.50 for a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream.Let's talk about how I still can't get over the similar spelling of "Obama" and "Osama" and somehow it makes me like the poor guy from Illinois less.Let's talk about the protesters who've been convening on the corner across from my local soda fountain every week since American entered Iraq with signs to "Honk for Peace." I haven't had an ice cream sundae in peace ever since. Who's honking for me?Let's talk about how I can't help imagining I've been cast in a B horror movie where Arnold Schwarzenegger is governor of my Read more:Talking
The Staten Island Fairy 2007-04-08 09:43:00 We didn’t believe in the Easter Bunny growing up. Never even considered it. Santa Claus was an impossible myth for my parents to perpetuate with all of our older, wiser friends. But the tooth fairy? She was practically a member of the family.My mother had created an entire background story and personality for our dear fairy. Her name was Maxine and she lived on StatenIsland
. Since we lived in Connecticut, Maxine took the Staten Island Ferry to reach our house which explained why she always arrived so late at night. Those of us lucky enough to loose a tooth would sometimes hear her in the hall outside our bedroom, pleading with my mother to not have to come in. Maxine was shy and didn’t want to bother us poor children. We’d hear her obnoxious New York accent and my mom’s polished English going back and forth until finally my mother would relent and sneak into our rooms to retrieve the tooth for her.I adored Maxine's emotional visits. We hardly ever got “real” New Yorkers i
An Eloquent Suggestion 2007-04-10 02:56:00 Being nine day past my due date, I find myself besieged daily with the incredulous comment from friends, "no baby yet?" The answer is obvious. No. I'm still pregnant. I often wish those asking would take counsel from our friend Cyrano de Bergerac before falling prey to such an uninspired question.Cyrano, a jovial literary figure, was forever plagued by the public with asinine comments about the obscene length of his nose. I have, therefore, taken the liberty of grafting my own retorts into playwright Edmond Rostand's famous monologue which Cyrano gave in response to a Viscount's stale insult that his nose was "big." My revisions are in blue."No baby yet?"Me: Ah no! young blade! That was a trifle short!You might have said at least a hundred thingsBy varying the tone. . .like this, suppose,. . .Aggressive: Do I need to dig it out of you myself?Friendly: Would it help if I put my foot here and pushed?Descriptive: Your uterus...it's so...womby...Curious: What's it like having Read more:Suggestion
Facing Reality 2007-04-11 14:23:00 When I was a teenager I decided to try an experiment. I would never cry out in pain again. I don't remember what lead to this decision, but I do remember weeks of conscience attempts at pressing my lips together at stubbed toes and rolled ankles when I would have otherwise given a healthy yell. The habit stuck.Ever since I've officially been a Pain Denier. I don't take Aspirin for aches as I'm too busy pretending they don't exist to simply reach for the pill bottle and put myself out of my misery. It frustrates my husband to no end when he sees me grimacing on the couch and he asks for the millionth time, "have you taken Tylenol" and the inevitable, stupid answer. Any sudden brute trauma I experience is usually met with narrowed eyes and a deep breath. I gave up acknowledging pain. It's kid stuff.The first time I gave birth I took my obsession to a new level. I decided to learn self-hypnosis so that I could fully overcome any pains my body felt without having to succumb to the tr Read more:Facing
Yo Ho Ho! 2007-04-13 06:03:00 Alice, Charlotte, Lovey, Whatever Flake has officially slid her wiggly way into the world. I know I'm going to get yelled at for blogging less than a day after she was born so I'll make this short.Vitals: 9lb, 3 oz, thick Latina baby hair except blond frosty highlights, 21 inches, one crinkly ear and beautiful long fingernails.Named: Alice, briefly Lovey (until everyone here shot that down), then Charlotte, but we can't stop calling her Penny and usually I just call her "Little Bear" since she's such a delightful chub. Middle name "Benac" (my maiden name cause I'm snobby like that) and just to make Adam happy we kept the last name Flake. For those of you totally confused, her name is Charlotte.Best Quality: The one inch deep layer of fat on her forehead. You can stick your finger on it and roll it around to make her face look like an ancient Japanese warrior.Birth Story: I went in at 9:30 am with mild yet constant contractions. I gave my midwife the secret wink we had worke
I Hate Penguins 2007-04-14 10:41:00 I spent all day staring adoringly at my newborn instead of napping and now Charlotte is awake for the night although I'm ready to crash. After trying to get her to sleep with me in the bedroom for three hours with no luck, I threw my pillow at the wall in frustration and came out to the living room to sulk. I'm not thrilled about the wait for her to get her days and nights sorted out. Charlotte went happily into her bouncy chair and I flopped on the couch and turned on the t.v. Here's what greeted me:"It's the last meal in their bellies but the father penguins have saved it for their young. It's been four months since they last fed and they will soon die of starvation if they do not eat in the next few days. But this precious, last meal is disgorged and fed carefully to the newborn chicks."March of the Self Righteous, Long Suffering, Holier-Than-Thou Penguins
. Fantastic.
Otherwise Engaged 2007-04-17 00:49:00 As you can see, I'm on break for a few days while I get used to baby #2, but in case you wanted something Flakey to look at, check out my Mom's blog for Charlotte updates or my recent post over at Mormon Mommy Wars (watch out, it's "touchy-feely"). Hopefully my sense of humor will return in a week or so once I start sleeping more and I'll again be able to fuel the meaningless dribble machine that is Hollywood Flakes....fade to elevator music...
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Reynold's Slow Cooker Liners versus Stupid 2007-04-19 22:40:00 How could I pass up a chance to review the greatest invention of the 21st century? The ultimate testament to mankind's intellect? The one product in the marketplace that will change the way we develop as a society?Crockpot Liners
. Inventing isn't as mysterious as it's cracked up to be. A friend of ours came up with the time-saving banana slicer. I also chanced upon this handy twirling spagehti fork. In this country, all you need to invent a best seller is a sense of the true laziness of our citizens. Thus we have Reynold's marketing Slow Cooker
Liners so that you won't have to scrub your slow cooker after dinner. Simply pull out the liner after the meal, throw it in the trash and stick the pot back in the cabinet. No scrubbing. I took it one step further. Not only would I use the liners, but I'd have someone else make the meal. It don't get more American than that.My first week back from the hospital after giving birth has been glorious. Both my husband and mother have bee Read more:versus
, Stupid
It's not funny, and yet... 2007-04-21 07:21:00 I dreamed I was pan-frying my newborn last night. She was mildly annoyed as I flipped her with a fork and I even more so because she refused to cook.I've lactated through my entire wardrobe in three days.Two of my biggest emotional crutches abandoned me on Wednesday. My mother returned home and Sanjaya was voted off American Idol. Who do I have left?My toddler seems to love her new little sister but shows signs of emotional trauma. She no longer allows her favorite stuffed animal in her crib and throws him away in disgust when I try and reconcile them.My brother in law, a pharmaceutical representative, is eagerly anticipating my onset of post-partum depression so I can go on his featured anti-depressant drug, Lexapro. Sorry, Cannon, I'm not shaking babies yet.I got food poisoning from a meal a friend brought over and was unable to stand up straight for 24 hours.I'm hopelessly off balance after going from being bottom-heavy to top-heavy in under 4 days and find myself veering in
Legal Valentines 2007-04-27 23:22:00 I love my husband as much as the next life-sucking-stay-at-home mom, but I've got to ask, why have prenuptial agreements gotten such a bad name? One attorney refers to them as "legal valentines," assuring couples that it's only through a prenup that a couple can have true wedded bliss. What am I missing out on?Prenups aren't as grim as they've been made out to be. It turns out you can liven them up a bit by adding in "lifestyle clauses." Does your finance watch too much football? One couple agreed the husband would only watch one football game per Sunday. Does your wife have a midnight snacking habit? Don Johnson convinced Melanie Griffith to agree to give up her property worth $100,000 if she ever went over 120 pounds. This is just the tip of the iceberg. With prenups quickly gaining popularity couples are finding no vice too trivial to address in the prenuptial agreement.Some of my favorite are the "in-law" clauses. One husband agreed that if he swore in front of his in Read more:Valentines
Omphalophobia 2007-04-25 00:00:00 The birth of a belly button is a hallowed event. Six to twelve days after a baby is born the withered umbilical stump falls off and sweetie's darling new button is revealed to the world. Up until this moment there is no guessing what it will look like. Genes seem to have no factor in whether the button is in innie, an outtie, oval or circle, craggy or smooth.We carefully tended my newborn's umbilical stump with alcohol swabs, cleaning it thoroughly to ensure the prettiest button possible. My first child's stump fell off on day twelve so I was happily surprised when I found Charlotte's stump in the blanket on only the ninth day. My joy was shortlived. I pulled back her shirt and saw it. At first I wasn't quite sure what it was. I finally understand those who suffer from omphalophobia, or a fear of belly buttons. They must have seen something like this.On an otherwise flawless being, Charlotte's belly button is a blood stained nightmare. It protrudes at least half an inch fr
Public Domain 2007-05-05 00:08:00 I'm edible. Get over it.I understand that by choosing to have a baby I've made myself into L.A.'s latest zoological curiosity. The assumption when speaking to a new mom is that that no question is too personal, no comment unjustified. I'm just supposed to don my maternal grace and answer all queries as to my body, health, and emotional state with a smile. But despite my best efforts to preserve my Queen Elizabeth sneer in the face of imbeciles, I've been thrown.I left a voice mail for one of my tenants the other day regarding a matter of apartment business. He's an older, single man who I've only seen three or four times and our relationship is strictly professional. When he returned my call he opened with the usual pleasantries."So you've had your baby? I hear that labor can be up to fourteen hours!" he began."Yes, it can even be much longer than that, but mine wasn't so bad this time.""Did you know that some people actually videotape the birth?""That's crazy." I rep Read more:Public
In the Face of Chaos 2007-05-09 19:21:00 The plagues of heaven have descended upon us. Not only is my city in flames, but I arrived home yesterday evening to find my apartment infested with bees. I'm talking hundreds of bees in both the bedrooms. I screamed, slammed the bedroom doors and called our maintenance man.Then I put on a pot of water to boil.He arrived and said they'd have to smoke out the apartment. There was probably a hive in my attic and the hot day forced the bees out of my light fixtures and into our apartment. They'd probably been up there months waiting for the perfect moment for their hostile takeover of my home.I whipped up a tasty bacon and sun dried tomato ceasar salad. The salad packs had been on sale 2 for $6 at my grocery store that day and I can never resit bacon in salad. Such decadence!There was only so much my maintenance guy could do so he called in the official Pest control people. Ten minutes later the exterminator arrived carrying armloads of gear and a gas mask. The apartment manage Read more:Chaos
Lightning Strikes Again 2007-05-07 21:59:00 Why I can't blog these days:My mom spent my entire pregnancy telling me that "lightning doesn't strike twice." My first baby was as colicky as they get and I was paralyzed with fear during this pregnancy that colic would strike again. It has. Moms are sneaky liars.It turns out that only people who sleep can blog. I can't for the life of me put together a single creative thought. Trust me, I've tried. My blogger account is full of posts I've tried to write during the past four weeks, each one more bland than the last. I don't know what to do other than plagiarize other people's blogs and call their witty, cohesive posts my own. Here's a contest over at Modern Mom I'd like to enter though. I've been stewing it over in my addled brain for a while and can't even start to have an idea of a clever entry. Unless it turns out that Fruity Cherrios cure colic, I probably won't win. But it's a $500 prize - you guys should take a stab at it!
Read more:Strikes
, Again
, Lightning Strikes
Stockholm Syndrome 2007-05-11 07:52:00 Penny, as a two year old, you can be a real hassle. I thought when I shipped you off to Texas last week to stay with your grandparents I'd enjoy the break from your mischievous antics. I'd have chance to nap, shop, drool, or whatever else I thought I'd been missing out on. But much to my shock I spent a good amount of the time thinking of you. Your grandpa is bringing you back home tomorrow and it's a good thing too because I've been nostalgic the past few days. I find myself missing the weirdest things... I miss chasing you across the park as you make a break for the sleeping homeless man because you want to "snuggle" with him.I miss correcting you when you yell, "DANGIT" every time you drop something.I miss coming in after your nap and finding that instead of sleeping, you have taken the afternoon to paint your entire body with poop.I miss soiling all my towels to mop up the flooded bathroom after you have overfilled the bathroom sink yet again.I miss you yelling from my room, Read more:Stockholm
, Syndrome
Accessorizing with Ears 2007-05-15 02:02:00 My kid has an extra tragus. I didn't know until last weekend when we got her checked out by the free dermatology clinic set up on Santa Monica pier. We had just always thought the bump in front of her ear was caused by some awful meal I ate during a formative day of pregnancy. My husband was bugged by it for the first few days of her life, but soon the strange lump was quietly assimilated into our family. Last weekend the dermatologist at the pier assured us this was no random lump.It has a name. Accessory Tragus. It's a big name for such a small bump. It's a more believable name for a death metal band than an afterthought of cartilage. The tragus is that hard lump in front of your ear. People pierce them and use them to block out noise. It's not the most exciting body part but we find ourselves giddy over the news that the Flake family is in possession of a spare.The doctor said that the appearance of an "accessory tragus" isn't uncommon. The spare tragus can appear anyw
Neurotic Mom put up the funniest post I've seen in... 2007-05-19 07:05:00 Neurotic Mom put up the funniest post I've seen in a while. Go. Read. Laugh. Trust me, these are hilarious. I can't write a post today when there is something else so much better that you should be reading. Now Shoo!
Fruity, Not Fun 2007-05-18 08:34:00 Remember that contest I wanted to enter over at ModernMom.com? You are supposed to create a video or photo that captures how Fruity Cheerios contribute to family fun. I'm trying to justify spending a couple hundred dollars on a new double stroller so I wanted to win the $500 prize. I pulled out the camera yesterday and took half an hour worth of film trying to get Penny to do all kinds of fun things with the Cheerios. But all she would do for the entire half hour was sit around and eat the darn things. I tried to get her to decorate the baby with cereal, create a picture by gluing them down, make up a poem, but nothing.Rather than call it a loss, I made this video as a tribute to my failed efforts. I'm sure it's the last thing Cheerios would want tied to their product, but I've got to be honest, the things are only good for eating. Family fun? Not a chance. So much for the stroller.
My Little Monkey 2006-06-09 05:45:00 Due to her grandmother's unceasing requests for more visuals of Penelope, I'm forced to exhibit incriminating photos proving that every other baby in the world is dreadfully plain. I hate to do this to everyone, but my mom won't leave it alone. Click here for the damning proof that the cutest kid in the cosmos lives in South Pasadena.I've been trying for almost 24 hours to get a video upload that had synchronized sound with image but can't seem to get it. But I'll give you the video anyway. Here is Penny jumping on the bed in April.Here is Penny running through some of her signs this morning, but the image is ahead of the sound so it might be a bit confusing. Anyone know how I can fix this??At 17 months old, she can make about 100 different signs and says about 6 words so the signing is really important right now for our communication.
The Appropriate Response 2007-05-24 15:22:00 Freedom! The Juniors and Seniors were allowed "open campus" privileges and I was seeking escape from the stench of the high school cafeteria. I found myself, instead, sitting at a local park with my dog at my side, finishing up an algebra assignment and snacking on carrots.I didn't notice his presence in the empty park."You speak Spanish?"I looked up, startled. A thick-set, middle aged man wearing a faded blue garage suit and a smile stood next to my bench."Only un pocito." I replied with an apologetic shrug. I wasn't looking for company and he didn't need to know I was in my fifth year of Spanish studies. I looked back down at my homework hoping he'd move on. But he didn't.After an awkward pause he asked in halting English, "Do you want to do?""Excuse me?""Do you want to do.""Do I want to do?""Si.""Do I want to do what?" I asked, completely confused."Do you want to do the love?"I'm not sure which emotion my face reflected, amusement or shock. He asked just as casually as Read more:Response
Diagnosis Please? 2007-05-22 23:11:00 Post Disclaimer: If you're one of those doggedly cheerful people who thinks weakness isn't an option, go ahead and skip this one. I know, I know, 'motherhood is a blessing.' Now go draw some pretty pictures of ponies to mail to orphans while I rave.There are some things women aren't supposed to be honest about, but I'm a terrible liar and have to get this out. Something is wrong with me. I've been looking online for the symptoms of postpartum depression but haven't been able to find anything to describe my feelings over the past six weeks. Maybe one of you internet shrinks out there can diagnose with me something other than "failure as a mother." That one is a no-brainer. Here are a few of the common symptoms of PPD and the reasons they don't apply to my situation: Sad mood, frequent cryingSad? What a tepid adjective. How about "Blood Thirsty"? And I'd have to replace "frequent crying" with "hears frequent crying." Sleep disturbanceAnd Godzilla was "big boned." Read more:Please
My Nightmare 2007-05-26 08:40:00 Yesterday morning we packed up the car and drove our family up to Utah for a few days of relaxation with Adam's family. Our six week old baby is in hot demand and we were excited to show her off to the Flake clan. Unfortunately, this requires a 10+ hour road trip each way. I was prepared for the worst as we pulled out of our garage and headed towards the freeway. I'd frantically thrown most of our belongings in white trash bags that morning trying to anticipate every emergency situation we'd encounter on the road. I'd be ready.The girls were mildly fussy for the first few hours, but nothing I couldn't handle without too much snapping. We stopped for lunch in Baker, California. The town sported a shady restaurant called The Mad Greek, another dingy shack purporting to sell Fresh Alien Jerky and a healthy line of overpriced gas stations. When my husband suggested we eat at the local Arby's I didn't have much choice. Somehow in our six years of marriage I've avoided eatin Read more:Nightmare
A Magazine for the Working Mother 2007-05-30 22:28:00 A few days ago I saw a copy of "Working Mother" magazine. The cover photo was of a woman wearing a snappy business suit with perfect make up and a cute hair style. She was smiling demurely and had her arm around a cherubic toddler in a J. Crew outfit. The room they were in was straight out of Pottery Barn.Some of the teasers on the cover were:Playground Chic: A sneak peek at play spaces of the futureShow Some Skin: Fast fixes for a smoother, sexier youHow one mom dared to find her inner Patsy Cline, andFind Your Power: How to own it, use it, share itAs an apartment manager, I consider myself a "working mom." However, I found nothing about this magazine that I could relate to. Who reads this nonsense? I can only hope that the editors and writers of this magazine are all men and there isn't really a coalition of women out there who just sit around daydreaming about playgrounds of the future.I should really start my own magazine for the real "working" mother (my diatribe about how e Read more:Magazine
Four-wheeling 101 2007-05-29 01:11:00 So you've never four-wheeled before? No biggie. Here are a few tips to get you started:When your brother-in-law asks if you want to try four-wheeling, give a token sigh of resistance before jumping onboard to try it out.There are four things to focus on: the gear-shift, the gas, the breaks, and impressing your in-laws.This is your maiden voyage. Don't spoil it by having someone ride on back who knows how the four-wheeler operates.As soon as you hit open road, gun it. Go as far and as fast as you can. Throw in a few cowboy yips and yehaws if that's your sort of thing.Out of road? No problem. Look for alternate routes. With any luck, you'll find a steep hill to drive down.Don't bother checking what's at the bottom of the hill.You may find a shed appears of out nowhere inches from your vehicle. At this point, punch the gas while fantasizing about brakes.Crash. Don't worry about trying to see your life flash before your eyes. A simpler route is to think of your favorite e
I Saw You 2007-06-01 20:12:00 When Charlotte turned 6 weeks old last Wednesday, I decided it was time to get serious about losing the baby weight. My husband has a bag of mini candy bars on his dresser that I've been living off of for the past two months but for 8 days now, I've been clean.It hasn't been easy. I wasn't quite sure how to express my attachment to these sweet treats but luckily, I found a medium to create my ode. Here's my video: No, I didn't make the entire video myself. You just have to upload your photos into a template at Greetingflix.com (my fun internet find of the week) and they do the rest. Their website doesn't have many templates and the ones they do have are really cheesy, but it's fun, free and very easy to find ways to make fun of their sappiness. A word to the wise: don't bother upgrading to the Pro account - the website appears to be just getting started and there aren't many templates yet. It's a great idea though.But I do miss my sweets. Last night I bought 60 dol
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