Owner: Hollywood Flakes URL:http://hollywoodflakes.blogspot.com Join Date: Sun, 17 Dec 2006 12:06:08 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Outrageous humor from an L.A. mom Site statistics:Click here
Fiberous Finds 1970-01-01 00:59:59 They are 2" by 2" in size. They are heavy enough to knock out Goliath. The ingredients: bran, water, white grape, whole wheat flour, apples, cranberries, sodium bicarbonate, cinnamon and salt. And these little gems contain 51% of our recommended dose of daily fiber.I bought "Apple Cranberry Fiber Cakes" at Trader Joe's a few days ago. I'm a fiber junkie and I was trembling with anticipation to taste these beauties. I feel sick eating anything with less than 10% of my daily fiber and am always looking for the heavy hitters. At 51%, this was a new record.At dinner muffins were the only thing on the menu. The dense little cakes looked like they had been sitting in the Arizona sun for months and my toddler was skeptical but I enthusastically announced that dinner was served. She took a bite. Then another, than another and stopped, looking up at me with big eyes. Her mouth started to slowly sag open and her small frame lurched with a silent gag. None of the muffin had made it do
Fruitcake Eaters 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Someone has been eating the fruitcake.A large platter of fruitcake was set out last night and by noon today, only two small pieces remained. I was shocked. "Who here likes fruitcake?" I demanded of my in-laws when I saw the telling remnants. There was an awkward silence and then my mother in law confessed, "actually I kind of like it..."It was a sobering moment. I had so many accusations, questions and pleas spinning in my head. My stare was fixed on the cake platter and I couldn't understand how something this terrible could happen on Christmas day. My sense of security with these people has vanished. After six years of marriage into the Flake family I suddenly discover them to be fruitcake eaters. How could I have known? The sick feeling in my stomach could only be compared to finding out that your spouse has contracted some devastating disease. Now what? Like so many before me, I realized that education was my only defense. Perhaps if I learned more about this disgusting Read more:Fruitcake
Six Years Later 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Tomorrow is my six-year wedding anniversary. To kick it off, I pow-wowed tonight with my married in-laws about what we've learned about relationships from our marriages. Some may ring true, and others may be dead wrong. As a disclaimer, I'm not responsible for anyone taking this advice and losing their spouse over it. Proceed with caution.Here are the gems we came up with. I've denoted which came from the girls and which are from the boys.General Relationshipg: It never hurts to underestimate your spouse.g: Learn to love the NBA, burping, X-Box and El Pollo Locog: If you want your spouse to tell you you're pretty, tell him to tell you you're pretty.g: Never ask how much your wife spent on shopping.b: Tell your wife she looks pretty regardless of reality.b: Make treaties so that you get the stuff that you want most out of your spouse.b: Marry somebody perfect and you don't have to worry at all.b: Just let most stuff slide.b: Your husband is not your girlfriend. Find some chicks a Read more:Years
Starting Over- It's Just Simply That 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm happy announce my first monthly blog-exchange. I was paired with the marvelous Vicky and we are cross posting for the day. Here is a great piece for the new year that she wrote. Her biography and website are at the end of the post. Enjoy! She's a fantastic writer :)___________________Starting Over- It's Just Simply ThatI walked in the front door and didn't turn on any lights. By the small light of the kitchen stove I made myself a Fluffer-nutter sandwich and sat atop the counter to eat it. My mother walked in and looked me over. I think she asked me how the night went and I replied, "I feel like I've just been through a war" Depleted, exhausted beyond any measure I had ever known, barely able to muster the energy to chew. Maybe it was more like the end of a very long marathon.Group. Therapy. I had just come from my first session of group therapy. No longer able to go to the store alone without panicking, pump my own gas, or sleep through the night without sta
Hot Blooded 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Man it's good to be home!Nothing beats coming home to southern California in January. We were in Utah for the past nine days enjoying the benefits of a "white" Christmas - all of which were forgotten the second the plane touched down on the California coast this morning and a sea of flip-flop clad, cosmetically engineered, bimbos welcomed us back to Paradise.Despite the delightful weather in L.A. today, I couldn't rid myself of the Northern cold that had permeated my joints. The first thing I did was to open up the sliding doors in our bedroom and take a long nap to the sound of my hummingbirds whirring outside at their feeders. Afterwards, I opened our front door and knelt reverently in a hot puddle of sunshine with my eyes closed, purring like a fat cat. To complete my re-warming process I took an extended soak in the tub to get the most stubborn of the chill out of my toes. Ten hours later I feel almost human again.I don't know how you extreme climatists do it. After only n
Just Don't 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I went into the office today to sign some papers and my boss took one look at me and said, "You look awful!"Okay, so I've been sick, haven't gotten more than 5 hours of sleep a night for the past few weeks and hadn't done my hair that morning. But really, "awful?""Yeah, I've been a little sick." I replied groggily."But I've never seen you look this bad!""Well I haven't been getting much sleep...""I guess not! Your face... you really look terrible!""Yeah... and I'm in my third trimester of pregnancy so don't expect me to be looking better any time soon.""Oh my!"Maybe it's just the hormones talking, but I was surprised at her enthusiastic response to my haggard appearance. Wouldn't something like, "poor dear, looks like you need a nap" suffice? Or maybe, "hmm... the big black circles under your eyes really take the focus away from your enormous pregnant belly." Something with just a hint of empathy. But no. Instead I just got a repulsed diatribe about my ghastliness.
Delightful Amnesia 1970-01-01 00:59:59 We were playing peek-a-boo. I would unfurl her pink fleece blanket over her entire body and then whip it off to make her shriek with delight. Our simple game had been going for about five minutes and my toddler had decomposed into a mess of giggles.Once again I flung the blanket over her tiny body. And then everything went blank. I heard myself asking, "where's Penelope," in a stranger's voice and thought, 'what an odd sounding name.' I looked puzzled down at the blanket with a squirming bulge underneath and couldn't for the life of me think of who might lie underneath. Off came the blanket. There, laughing up at me lay the most beautiful little girl imaginable. She had bright blue eyes full of glee and gave me a look of pure adoration. "Here I am, Mommy!" she yelled and to my surprise she flung her arms around my neck in an intense embrace.In an instant, it all came rushing back. She was mine. My mental black-out only lasted 2 seconds tops but it was enough time for me Read more:Delightful
, Amnesia
Whole Milk 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I drink whole milk. And I like it.I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. I feel guilty when I say crap and tip the untalented buskers every week at our Farmer's Market. But the allure of full fat, creamy delicious whole milk is more than I can resist. I'm under no illusions. I know that a cup of whole milk contains 8 grams of fat and 25% of my daily saturated fat. But I don't care. That's right, me and my full fat milk mustache just don't care.I grew up on powdered milk. It was the one dark spot of my otherwise idyllic childhood. We were happy there, in the woods of Connecticut. My eight siblings and I didn't want for much and had worked out our peace treaties with each other and the world. But every morning we would come downstairs and have to face the reality of a freakishly large family.Heaven forbid the powdered milk was prepared the night before - no, we always waited until our bowl of Cheerios had been poured to discover the emptiness of the blue gallon pitcher. Read more:Whole
The Grinch 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Sound bytes from cleaning up Christmas with a two year old:"Mommy - what are you doing to baby Jesus?"I'm putting him away.""No! I need Jesus! Please don't take him away! I love him so much - so much!""This isn't trash!" Her indignant response to finding our friends' family Christmas photo in the trash can in my room. She then went through the entire trash and removed all the Christmas cards and hid them in her room."It's time to take a nap, Penny.""But Mommy, it's Christmastime!" (her recent justification against doing anything besides playing)"No, Christmastime is over.""No it's not!" And she ran away singing Jingle Bells."Penny, do you want to help me put the tree away.""No. Not yet.""How about we put the tree in this nice box to take a nap and tape it closed so it can get some rest.""Well...okay.""Mommy, wake me up for presents." She then lays down on the floor and pulls up her blanket pretending to sleep."Penny, time to wake up for presents!""Oh boy!" she jumps up, Read more:Grinch
Childhood Fears 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Here's another piece I did for my writing group. The theme this month was "ChildhoodFears
." Enjoy!I can name a handful of silly fears that plague me. Many of them stem from misunderstandings or a lack of trust or power. But retaining these fears ensures I keep many of society's best-loved childlike traits. Fear keeps us from becoming calloused and unfeeling in our maturity and instead makes us humble, vulnerable and needy. Despite my age, I have carefully preserved many of my young fears: mirrors in dark rooms, bugs crawling into my ears, sleeping with the closet door open. And not because I still believe these are imminent threats in my life, but because subconsciously I crave the vulnerability. To combat the inevitable jading process of time, I fight to keep something raw inside myself. Something that can be pierced at a moment's notice. I want to remember what it feels like to be 8 years old. It's why people watch scary movies. We love feeling exposed and weak - unknowi
Absence Makes the Heart Grow Forgetful 1970-01-01 00:59:59 It's been almost three days now and still no sign of my husband.On Sunday he mentioned something about leaving for a job-related trip for the week but I can't remember all the boring details. All I know is that this is my third night going to be alone and I don't think I'm cut out for this single mom nonsense. I've done my best, but it's been 65 hours and I'm sure he would understand what I have to do.First things first. I'll go to the courthouse tomorrow and get my last name changed back to Benac. I can't be expected to keep his name as a constant reminder of past times when all I need right now is to move forward.As far as cleaning out his stuff, luckily that was done on day two of his absence. It never hurts to be overly thorough in cleaning and this time it paid off. I was itching to get rid of all his high school $10 t-shirts anyway.In order to ease the transition for my daughter, I'll just ask Penny if she wants an ice cream cone every time she asks about her Dadd Read more:Heart
, Forgetful
The Daily Schedule 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "So what's your schedule like on Thursday?" asked the contractor. We were trying to determine when he could come by and look at one of my apartment unit's broken heater."I'm definitely going to be available from 8 to 9 a.m. and from 11:00 to 1:00," I replied. "When can you you make it by?""I don't know. I'll give you a call."So here it is, Thursday, and still no call, he's not answering his cell phone, and I'm trying not to scream with rage. When the contractors I work with for my job (apartment manager) find out that I'm a stay-at-home mom their automatic response is usually, "great! So you're available all the time?" That's right, buddy. I just sit here on my throne at home with my feet propped up while the world caters to me. You just drop by any old time!What's with these guys? Do they feel obligated to ask me my availability out of an out-dated sense of courtesy? Really, we all know they are only asking so they can make sure to come during the two minute perio Read more:Daily
, Schedule
I Don't Get Boys 1970-01-01 00:59:59 My brother-in-law made this video of himself a few days ago. According to every other guy who has seen it, it's "freakin' awesome." Men, what am I missing? Is this your equal and opposite reaction to our shoe shopping?Troy, you know I love ya, baby! I just don't know why...- CAUTION -Things are getting pretty nasty in the comments section -Go easy on him, girls! I promise he's a great guy!
Last Will & Testament 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Troy, you're a tough act to follow. It reminds me of when I was little and stopped inviting friends over because they all just ended up ditching me to play with my older, cooler sister Annie. I would have been upset if I didn't worship her with the rest of them.But the show must go on. Here's my will:If I go missing for more than a month, this will comes into effect. Most likely, I've just folded my hand and gone off to rot in Costa Rica but don't bother looking for me as I promise I won't want to be found.In case of brain death, all my immediate family should be present and standing around pointing and laughing at me while a doctor pulls the plug. I can't stand cry babies.If I die under suspicious circumstances, go immediately to Springville, Utah and arrest my mother-in-law, Elaine. She's had it out for me ever since I married her son and made him eat wheat bread even though he prefers white. Don't be fooled by her sweet demeanor and scrumptious homemade dinner rolls. Read more:Testament
, Last Will
The Renters' Dirge 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm done. I've had it with beige walls, vertical blinds, outdated stoves and minuscule mailboxes. I want to do aerobics at 6 am without worrying about waking up the tenants below. I'm sick of guessing what the smells are that lurk in our kitchen cupboards from past occupants. And what exactly are those stains that won't come out of the bathroom tile? We didn't make them. I hate the guilt that accompanies each nail I drive into our walls that we are under contract not to violate. As much as I love our neighbors next door, I really don't need to hear their bedroom conversation every night as I drift off to sleep. I'm through mourning the premature death of every plant I bring home because of the lack of sunlight in my apartment. I have to walk down two flights of stairs, across a concrete courtyard and go through two sets of locked doors just to get to my car.My home is a rented storage unit that floats two stories above the street and will have no memory of us after we le
Nyquil Junkie 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm a recovering Nyquil addict. For the past two night have slept drug-free for the first time in three weeks. But things haven't been going as smoothly as I hoped. Last night I officially went to bed at 11pm and didn't fall asleep until at least 3:30. Tonight I was in bed at midnight but as you can see, no luck so far. I'm trying to keep my mind off of the darling little bottle of cherry Nyquil in the bathroom that has sleep written all over it. The cough is gone, I need to quit.Here was the battle plan for tonight -Plan A: I took a long soothing bath before bedtime to relax then eased under the blankets surrounded by my fortress of pillows. Soon I was feeling sleepy but then out of nowhere the Mighty Mouse theme song popped into my head and 45 minutes later I was still singing it in my head and tapping my feet to the beat. Curse those catchy 50's theme songs! Proceed to Plan B.Plan B: I started running through some of my self-hypnosis exercises to still my body and calm Read more:Junkie
Ultrasound Subterfuge 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Only two and a half months left to go and my husband still hasn't spilled the secret. As you may remember, Adam wanted to find out our baby's sex but I didn't so the technician wrote it in an envelope for his eyes alone. The card has been sitting propped on Adam's dresser for two months now.My refusal to look inside the card may seem to be yet another one of Sarah's random battles. After all, there really aren't any benefits to not knowing and a whole list of inconveniences it incurs. But there is a very important reason I can't look. It would mean he wins.When I went in for the ultrasound in November I made it clear to the technician that I did not want to know the sex. He gave me a surprised look and asked why. I didn't know how to reply to his curiosity. Sensing my weak position, the tech spent the rest of the examination trying to convince me to find out. Why did it matter to this stranger? Was this really such a rare request? Fueled by a growing dislike for the m Read more:Ultrasound
, Subterfuge
The Horror of Little Girls 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Is nothing sacred? I came into my toddler's room today to find her Grinch doll had been dressed up in a froo-froo dress looking like he was about to host Minnie Mouse for tea. Can the XX chromosomes be stopped from this senseless onslaught of cuteness? Pardon the disturbing graphic images that follow. I was just as shocked as you are. Penny, you are one sick little girl...
Read more:Girls
Freedom from Fitness 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I just canceled my YMCA membership. Yes, 2007 is off to a great start. The past 17 days have been riddled with guilt over my failure to attend and today I decided to eliminate the stress factor. No membership, no guilt. I just love a fresh start!I will miss all the colorful instructors. There was the lopsided Asian woman who frequently subbed with one arm as big as Arnold Schwarzenegger's and the other only half-formed and withered. I learned to love Jackie, the tough Mexican ex-con who taught Total Body who had quads as big as orcas. Nobody fell behind in that class - there were rumors of a shank under her sports bra. Cynthia was the flakey mom who bombastically lead an aerobic drumming class (imagine a bunch of stay-at-home moms with drumsticks and an outlet for their aggression - fantastico!) My favorite was Mary Anne who taught on Fridays. She was constantly worrying about offending us with crude lyrics in her workout mix but her regular song to get us going in the morning Read more:Freedom
Getting Past the Osmonds 1970-01-01 00:59:59 We Mormons are obsessed with our weak celebrity connections. There is always some rumor circulating at scripture study on Sunday nights about a Hollywood star seen talking to the missionaries, records of a baptism or whispers of a rock star's commitment to the Word of Wisdom. Not surprisingly, most of these rumors prove false. I remember hearing all kinds of gossip growing up. Big names like Harrison Ford, Tom Hanks and Steve Martin being secret members. My little heart clung to them. Anything to get us over the "Osmond" phenomena and rocket us to gritty stardom.And why not the Mormons? We are the fourth largest religion in the United States just behind the Catholics, Methodists and the Baptists. Although Mormons outnumber the Jewish population of America almost two to one, your average Joe could easily name 30 famous Jews and probably not a single one of us. It takes a Mark Hacking to get us any media attention at all. So we cling to our laughable tales of Alice Cooper's fat
Transcendental Slip 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Here we go guys. Most embarrassing moments. Just face it. Grit you teeth and face it. I'm hoping somehow that by putting mine up here it will stop jumping up to scare me while I'm doing dishes because it was almost 13 years ago.Mine was in 11th grade English class. Our teacher was the timid Mrs. Duckworth and we were studying the Transcendental
ists. Unfortunately, the class was right after lunch and on this particular day I was having trouble cutting the physical ties keeping me from rocketing off into transcendental bliss. I can't remember what I ate for lunch, but I can remember thinking I would never eat it again once the side effects began complaining halfway through class. Mrs. Duckworth had given the class ten minutes to write some of our thoughts about Emerson and we were hunched over our desks silently scribbling sophmoric phrases about things we had no business sticking our blemished noses into. The groans coming from my bowels could only mean one thing and I was t
The True Friend 1970-01-01 00:59:59 We had company last weekend. My darling cousin that I haven't seen in almost six years. I've always loved the girl and we had a great time catching up and looking at each other's photos. There are some people where no matter how much time goes by, you don't miss a beat when you pick up again. She's a great one.Our apartment only has one shower and it's in our bedroom. The bathroom is tucked away in the center of the apartment with no windows and very poor ventilation which makes for a moldy, black disaster. I've tried all kinds of cleaning methods but the mold just doesn't budge. If I really get vicious with my scrubbing, I can strip away some, but it's always back in full force the next week. It's the one real embarrassing thing about having house guests as I always give the full disclaimer before letting anyone take a shower and warn them of the health hazards. My cousin got the schpiel, accepted our terms and took the shortest shower of the century with an obligin
One Step Behind 1970-01-01 00:59:59 My kid almost died today. Once when she ran outside our apartment to the 8" wide railings overhanging the concrete patio, once when she galloped headfirst into the crashing ocean waves, once when she started gagging on her own phlegm in her carseat, once when I turned my back for a second and she slipped under the water in the tub, once when she went sprawling on the floor holding a freshly sharpened pencil... yet get the picture.None of this is out of the ordinary. One of the truly bizarre things about children is that they are scrambling for death every second of their lives and you either have to learn to accept it or have a panic attack the first time they eat the entire bottle of asprin and give them all up for adoption. Despite my instincts, I've chosen the former. I tell you, if it wasn't for the whole death thing, kids would be a hoot. Once I created a baby-proofed living environment and took the necessary precautions to ensure a reduced chance of spontaneous suicide, the on Read more:One Step
7 Weird Things about Me 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I've never actually done one of these "tag" things but both Shiloah and Janell tagged me for this so I better just suck it up and write. But just so you know, I'm too insecure in my relationships to tag anyone else so this dies with me.1. I'll frequently "go to the bathroom" while out with friends or at dinner and really just go hang out in the stall for a few minutes to have some alone time where I don't have to fake smile. It's my version of a cigarette break but not as bad for my health. Of course, then I have to flush the toilet, make some noise with the toilet paper and pretend to wash my hands when I come out of the stall just in case someone in the room thinks I actually did use the can.2. One of my greatest fears is online chat. I freak out when people suggest it. I'm misinterpreted enough in life, leave it to chat to make me look like a real idiot. Sometimes my husband will be IM-ing with his family and ask me to take over for a few minutes while he does somethin Read more:Weird
Negative Population Growth 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I was down at the mailbox yesterday and saw an oversized envelope sitting on top of my neighbor's box. It was from "NegativePopulationGrowth
" in Alexandria, Virginia. I've heard a lot about population control, even zero population growth, but negative growth? Does this group advocate murder? This is the neighbor who shares a bedroom wall with my two year old... should I be worried? I got online to investigate. I quickly found their website and spent the next half hour laughing at their moxie.The group claims that by emphasizing the two child limit and restricting immigration we can cut the U.S. population in half over the next two generations. I read through their entire proposal and will highlight some of their suggestions to accomplish this goal. As the sixth child in a family of eleven, I was highly amused:First, they believe we should cut back by 80% on immigration to the United States. The problem lies, they claim, in the fact that once we let in a worker, we then let i
So Not Stepford 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I read the novel The Stepford Wives a few years ago and it ranks up there as one of the most disturbing books I've ever had the pleasure to hold. My poor husband had to listen to my ranting for days before I got over my indignation of a man actually preferring to be married to a bimbo robot (even if he was only a fictional character) than a flawed human woman.(For those of you who haven't read the book, it's about a town where the men take over and turn all their wives into perfect, beautiful robots who cook, clean and compliment endlessly.)Finally, I thought I'd gotten it out of my system. But tonight I saw the movie on t.v. and with sick curiosity I watched it to relive the horror. Although the producers threw on a feel-good ending to make it palatable for Hollywood, the premise remained the same. After the movie was over I wasn't sure how to feel. On the one hand I wanted to burn all the dresses in my house. On the other hand, I felt a strange urge to bake something specta
Cheap Shot 1970-01-01 00:59:59 An interesting study forwarded to me by my mother:A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal she tends to be more attracted to a man with tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.No further studies are expected.
Read more:Cheap
Dr. Me 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I've had a happy turn in my pregnancy. After months of exhausting myself by trying to eat right, exercise and stay busy I've found a doctor who truly understands my needs. She took one look at me and ordered me to stay in bed until my side hurt. At that point I was to transfer to the bath until my feet were sore and pruney. Then I am to transfer back to the bed and repeat the process until bedtime.She validated my hesitation to buy maternity clothes. After all, if you have to dress like a whale, you probably shouldn't be traumatizing the public with your girth. So if nothing fits, you don't have to leave the house. She then handed me two pairs of sweat pants and a cheap cotton kimono as the standard uniform for the remainder of my pregnancy.My doctor ordered me to pull the blinds, take the phone off the hook and ignore the knocking at the front door. As an extra motivator to stay locked inside, she suggested I pull a mean scowl every time I walk by a mirror to remind myself
The Venus of Willendorf 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Against Dr. Me's specific instructions, I ventured out of my house today. I had a visit last night from some friends who I shared my plan of pregnancy isolation with. Like all good friends are supposed to, they blanketed me with assurances that I was in fact not hideous, I could benefit from social interaction, and I was a blessing in the lives of others. Silly me took this as an objective opinion even though they probably would have said I was Miss America if I had a family of moray eels dangling from my nose. What else are friends for? After they left I felt terrific about life, the universe and everything.When my husband suggested we actually leave the house I was receptive. My doctor never had to know. Fueled by the pep talk from the previous night, we planned a few errands. First a stop to Costco. Then a visit to a department store. Things had gone pretty well and even though I was feeling a little queasy, we decided to make one last pit stop at our favorite haunt, Jamba Read more:Venus
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